Getting into the boys club

A while ago I bemoaned the loss of my climbing partner and mentioned I was going climbing with someone new. Well, that one didn’t pan out (she’s an OB/BYN resident, so free time is a fantasy she maintains). But my former climbing partner, the extraordinary Lizard, suggested I try She Climbs once more and see whom I could connect with. I was introduced (OTRgirl and Dutchgirl here’s a common email. You both want to climb outside. Go!) to a great woman from the Netherlands. In the months she’s been here, she’s connected with a group of climbers from a local gym. The past two weeks we’ve met them on Thursdays after work to climb outside. I LOVE it. Real rock is much more challenging and creative than the gym. There’s no tape on the wall to say, “Go this way and if you can’t, ha-ha, fool!” A climb can be as hard or as easy as I want to make it.

Yesterday we drove together an hour north. The climbing group consisted of one of the guys who wrote the local climbing guide (!), two buddies who shared their rope set up with us, a muscled guy, an older professor, me and Dutchgirl, and two ‘girlfriends’. I guess if you date a climber, you’re semi-obligated to go with them, even if you’re terrified.

Our group started on the 5.6. In the climb ratings 5.0 is a vertical wall where a rope is advisable but possible to navigate without one. 5.6-5.7 is considered beginner territory. 5.8-5.10 is medium, 5.11 is challenging, and 5.12 and up are the people in the climbing magazines. One of the girlfriends whined her way up the climb. (Hey, that was I when I started. Climbing and backpacking have—very gradually—taught me to suck it up. Though, if you ask Jrex, I’ve yet to totally grasp the concept.) The picture at the top is me on that climb.

The two buddies were working a corner climb that was in the 5.9-5.10 scale (depending which way you went around the outcrop). They struggled a bit but were doing well. After they tired they invited us to try the rope. A couple of our guys jumped in. Then I decided to try it. There were a few sections that got iffy, but I love scrunchy corners so it was the kind of climb I do fairly well even if I’m out of shape. Before the climb Dutchgirl had mentioned to the guys that we would love to do outdoor climbing more often. They were saying sure, but weren’t enthusiastic. After I got down the offers became sincere and repeated. They would love to go out whenever we want to, would love to show us how to set up anchors, let’s get each other’s email, etc.

It got me thinking. Let me know if this is true or not, but I suspect it’s rare for guys to have ‘charity friendships’. Women often have friends who aren’t on equal footing in various arenas. But for guys, they bond with people they can respect. Women’s motivations can be more complex. Sometimes we connect because someone needs us, or because our life circumstances are parallel, or because we’re nearby. For women in a man’s world, you have to prove yourself. Respect is earned, never offered. After I climbed with relative ease where most of the guys struggled, I elevated out of the girlfriend realm (the one arena for ‘charity friendships’) and into the peer realm. That’s me doing the climb on the left.

Is that fair or true? I’m thinking of women in engineering, construction, the army, the police, or science. Places that are still dominated by men. Is that the way it works? Once you pass the unspoken hazing ritual, you become one of the guys. But then, being too feminine can jeopardize that standing. Put you back into dismissive girlfriend territory? I’m just curious if I’m way out in la-la speculation land or if that resonates at all.