My mother-in-law (MIL) is coming Sunday-Tuesday for Mother’s day. Which is great. The thing is, I’ve been avoiding her for the last month or so. I haven’t called her or returned her calls. I’ve encouraged Jrex to call, but I haven’t chatted with her and I’m not sure why.
I know part of it is that I’m missing my mother. When that’s happened before, I just haven’t wanted to deal with a ‘mother figure’ no matter who that might be. Jrex’s mom has been wonderful to me. She treats me as a daughter, thinks of me as one, buys me gifts, and dresses me. She compliments me often, which I hear is rare for Korean mothers. “You look so good, you look so pretty, you look so wealthy” was one of my favorites. I suspect my avoidance is more about my stuff than her.
One close friend suggested I have my walls up cause I don’t want her to think I’m the perfect daughter-in-law—with the subsequent likelihood of her (and my father-in-law) wanting to live with us. That’s very possible. (Well, not that I would be the perfect DIL, but that I want to make sure she knows I'm not great to live with...)
The bigger factor, I think, is that the last time we visited, she and I prayed together. We did it Korean style, out loud at the same time (in two languages). Then we took turns praying for each other (her in Korean, me in English) I know we both felt very connected through that experience. I suspect the avoidance has more to do with that. We got too close to intimacy. She got too close to being like a Mom, but still not being MY mom. My amazing Mom, who also complimented me, but who didn’t have hidden expectations or controlling behaviors (well, she did have them, but she told me what they were. No guessing games). Maybe I don’t want to let my MIL in far enough that she tries to control me? So far all the ‘fights’ have been filtered through Jrex. He’s taken the brunt and sifted through the emotional chaos. Perhaps I don’t want to step into the communication front line.
It must be hard for her to figure out why I’m stepping forward and then stepping way back. I know I’m being rude and selfish, but it’s been hard to make myself step past this mystery wall. I’m not sure how the weekend will go.
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On a totally petty note, we’ve yet to eat most of the food she made the last time! There’s no room in the freezer for another cooking frenzy. I told Jrex to tell her to bring NO food. But I don’t know if he did, or even if he did, if she will listen. The irony here is that the lack of gorging out is not the fault of the white girl, the non-Korean, the I-don’t-eat-red-meat-but-I’ll-change-to-make-life-easier-for-your-mother girl. There have been nights when I’ve suggested thawing the karbi or the buhgolghi and he’s said no. It’s just too much rich food. But she spent so much time making it the last time. Our heathen non-Korean lifestyle is about to be exposed!
2 comments:
You have Korean food in your freezer? I'm coming over. ;)
This must be a sad time for you. I can see why it would be tough to be around your MIL right now.
I know what you mean about not wanting to deal with the hidden expecations and guessing games. Sometimes the more I let MIL in, the worse things get. It's easier just to back away. (But I feel guilty about that too.)
I admire the relationship you have with you mother-in-law. Even when my MIL gives me compliments, I never quite belive them. I'm always looking for a hidden agenda with her. I'm very close to my own mother and sometimes feel like my MIL is trying to take her place, which makes me feel resentful. And I also hate the way she can claw her way in-between me and GH sometimes.
So it's very impressive to me how close you are to your MIL and how hard you work on that relationship, even if it's painful and difficult.
I do love all the Korean food my MIL gives us. We usually get heaps of mandu. Delicious.
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