The hard thing about grief is entering unexplored emotional regions. You have no landmarks, you don’t even know where you are, or why, or how to make it stop. My previous post speculated reasons for this emotional wall I’ve had toward my MIL. I was wrong on all counts. I’m actually in the midst of grief for something that has never happened. This summer I will turn 35. I never expected to be 35, married, and childless. If I were single I would likely be doing adoption or foster care. I can’t go into all the reasons here but they are valid and at the moment seem immovable. Which means all I can do is let myself feel the anger, sadness, and confusion. Not that feeling all that will solve anything. But not feeling it means I’ve been sleeping A LOT and that’s getting old.
I didn’t realize what was going on until Sunday morning when I didn’t leave my house until 20 minutes AFTER church had started. I didn’t want to go. I had no idea why, but I finally forced myself to leave the house. As I drove in, I heard something about Mother’s Day on the radio. And I just started crying. It hit me that I don’t want to be in church when they honor the Moms. I don’t want my in-laws to come and ask me when we’re going to have kids. I don’t want to pray about it. I don’t want to deal with it.
During the service a friend of mine was upset by something. I went out in the hall to comfort her. After we finished I came back in and stood in the back. As they sang a couple songs to finish I just started crying. As I stood feeling very alone and frustrated, I felt arms come around me and realized it was my friend S.
S. has struggled with back pain for 10 years. Eight months ago she had a daughter. During the pregnancy she could barely eat because her teeth hurt. She only gained 20 pounds during the pregnancy. Yet her baby was born VERY “healthy” (a euphemism for – “wow, your baby is so chubby she can’t even bend her legs!”) Baby A sported an amazing set of cheeks from the first day. Cheeks so thick and so round that her smile is just a separation of her lips. She can’t conquer gravity enough to curve up through the solid orbs hanging on either side of her face.
When I finished crying S. and I started to talk. She knows what it is to be tired of waiting and to be frustrated with God. If she cooks too long, her back hurts. If she holds her baby too long, walks too much, does too much or bends the wrong way then she’s in pain. She’s learning to accept that she may just be in pain for most of her life and in the midst of that, she’s finding a new life with joy and peace. Yet she envies me for all the things I get to do, the many people that I help. She wants to do all that and have a career, but she’s home alone with her baby. While I’m wanting what she has. We laughed together about the irony. Obviously there are no words to help, but it’s nice to feel less alone.
Oh yeah, in case you’re wondering? I made it just in time for them to call the Moms up to pray for them and give them gifts. Sigh.
12 comments:
Unfortunately I can relate more than I ever would have wanted. Mother's day gets harder every year and I am not even married. But being childless at almost 42 is not a place I ever thought I would be. I am so tired of that condescending look from some 22 year old mother that I have no idea how to be one since I have never birthed my own. I have helped raise a lot of kids through sisters and friends and I see what works and what doesn't. And society is really crappy with this one, most people maybe unconsciously, do make you feel like less of a person because you are not a parent. I hated being at church yesterday when they honored all the mothers. It just plain sucked. I am sorry you had to feel that too.
I'm obviously in a different place and time than you, but for what it's worth, I feel your pain. Lately, more than before, I am very sensitive to (read easily aggravated and hurt by) comments from people who have kids but wish they had more time to themselves or less kids or kids that don't need them so much, etc etc. I've been working especially hard at not carrying anger or hurt towards a woman who has 2 small children and found herself unexpectedly pregnant with a 3rd - and keeps 'whining' about it. I have to get back to work, but to the extent I can, I understand...
Oh, but one thing that was nice yesterday at church was that they made a point of honoring all women, as all of us play a role as a spiritual mom in the church body. Every woman got a rose from an elder of the church. For me, that helped.
So sorry it was a painful day for you, and with reason. Hope the visit with the MIL isn't aggravating the situation, but that maybe it can help (?).
That made me cry.
I'm sorry. I hope you find peace.
Your Mothers' Day blog was very sad. Very. I wish I could comfort you. The Lord has given me two leadings lately. I'll e-mail them tonight.
How is it going with MIL? What reactions from her and from FIL about the prospective move?
Oh man! I can totally relate!
You nailed it as grief work. Unfortunately there is not shortcut or painless answer to this burden.
I will never get over this, but with God's help, I am hoping that I am getting on with it.
I admire your courage and honesty to share your struggle.
I'm sorry you are facing that right now. I recently walked with my friend E as she wrestled with a very similar situation. From that, I learned: offer no platitudes, no matter how well meaning. Just be there. Well, I can't exactly "be there", considering I found you through your comment on my own blog. But know that you have virtual hugs coming your way.
On another note, I've really enjoyed reading your postings that I've had time to puruse thus far. And it's totally refreshing to find out there's someone else who likes the same authors. As if I'm not alone in a sea of people who are solely lovers of pop-fiction.
P.S. I will add one thing.....after dealing with a broken engagement in 2001 and thinking I'd never get to be married or be a mom, I came upon Isaiah 54. My eyes caught something about being "storm tossed and not comforted". That was me at that moment. Anyway, that passage might offer something. I don't know. Just wanted to pass it on. No platitudes, I promise.
I'm sorry it was such a tough day. This post and your earlier post made me so sad. I can't say I'm in that situation now but I can only imagine the emptiness you must feel around days like this. I'm glad you had a friend to comfort you in your time of sadness.
I think of you on days like this, K and D, too. When I read this blog this AM, there were no comments...now there's 10! That's so cool that you have this many people invested in you! Inkling's comments spurred me on to write you. Here are my quotes for you: "He who touches you touches the apple of my eye" (Zech.2:8) and "The Lord your God...will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph.3:17) and esp. for Mom's Day that our Lord wanted to gather us all to Him like a mother hen. Your mom would call it "the gift of tears". "Yuck," I'd say, "I hate crying esp. in front of people." "It's a gift we don't all have," she'd say.
That was the hardest thing for me, especially when I was a child, going to church and having all the moms stand up and be honored and then their children stand up with them. I had no mom, wasn't a mom so I sat. It was the hardest thing, that and wearing those stupid flowers that tell if your mom is dead or alive. Your friend with the back pain. I so know how she feels. I was hit by a drunk driver and have severe back pain to the point where I even considered the morphine pump. I can't do that because morphine makes me so sick, so I live on narcotic pain pills. I can only stand for a few minutes at a time without just wanting to die the pain is so severe. Imagine me in class doing presentations! I am high as a kite and lean on the podium. Anyway, thanks for dropping by over at my place and do come back. I would add you to my roll but don't know how to do a roll, thus, I have all my favs saved in my favs and my computer is broken and while I am waiting on a mother board, I am using the Good Son's pc, but I will add you to my favs when mine is up and running.
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