Muttola Monologue

OK, Mamacita, it’s time. I’ve tried being passive aggressive, clearly not effective. I saw the red suitcase of impending loneliness this morning. I saw the car loaded. I figured if I stuck close enough to make you trip over me there was no way for you to forget me. I even tried the pitiful Bambi look. Did it work? No. Didn’t you learn from jury duty that a bored CAP (I like to think of myself as a Canine American Princess) is a dangerous CAP?

I started small, a few serving utensils, it only escalates from here, lady. While I’m speaking of utensils, gotta say ‘thanks’ for being a lazy dishwasher. The things you leave in the sink, especially ones used to sauté Korean beef? Excellent choices, Mamacita. Speaking of Korean food reminds me: you have a horrible sense of humor. When I get excited about Korean food, it’s clearly VERY wrong to joke that I’m lucky not to be a Korean dog! How could you make a bad comment about my Man, my comrades and his People? Rude and in poor taste, Mamacita.

Unlike you, my Man clearly loves me. One day when you were gone, he left me some Korean fish in a packet. For future reference though, just putting it in the food bowl would have been fine. I know you like to keep me busy. Give me things to think about, yada yada yada. But, really, I had to surf the counter, plus that packet took me a while to open. I don’t think I should have to work that hard just for a snack.

Oh, by the way, he’s MY Man. I don’t know why you keep acting possessive around him. You should know that anytime you get too close to him, I’ll be there. Any time. Any where. Even if you won’t let me onto the bed with you (and that’s a whole ‘nother conversation!), I’ll be there. Staring and whining high pitched enough to break glass.

So remember, you leave me home alone, you pay. I scoff at the magazines you line up on the couch to keep me off. I haven’t done it yet, but there are shoes I can access, there’s a bed to sleep on, and I could happily release the feathers from their confinement in your bed cover. You’ve been warned.