August 1, 2007

Doing the Mosh Pit

(sorry, this one is a little long...)

I know you’re all clamoring for a Harry Potter review, or at least, my Dad is, but that’s not what’s on my mind.

I’ve been thrashing around emotionally tonight. As usual, poor Jrex has bourn the brunt. Are there issues in our relationship that are relevant and worth thrashing about? Sure. Yet after exploding all over him, I sat and thought about what was really happening inside me. Is it merely that I’m at a boiling point due to deep-seated concerns about our life? Perhaps. But it’s also just a general frustration with my life.

It’s weird. Last night I was ready to post about how amazing it is that I’ve felt surrounded by community after less than a year here. I went to my small group last night, an unofficial group of women loosely affiliated with my church. In honor of my birthday two different people brought cakes and we went out to a little café called Vino Locale that specializes in local wines and foods. We brought the cakes, did some candles, talked and shared life. I’ve never had a birthday that lasted for two weeks. This is ridiculous.

Yet all of a sudden tonight I feel like I hate my life. And it’s not PMS!

I think it’s mostly a reflection of disappointment. Since getting married much of my life has been about making the best of changing circumstances as Jrex’s career takes us around the country. On the whole, I’ve done an OK job at finding the good wherever we’ve ended up; I’ve found wonderful people and collected a degree and some cool jobs. Yet I always come back to a sense that I’m in the wrong life. I know I’m in the right marriage, but we’ve ended up living a DINK (Double-Income, No Kids.) life I never envisioned. It’s VERY hard for me to make it fit.

So then I get my first “career” job. Maybe THIS will be fulfilling and give me something to really dive into. But, no. The job has a lot of potential, but the current reality is a department in transition and full of toxic people. Which means I get to be the cheerful, non-complaining, non-cussing, non-backbiting, relatively calm freak in the midst of chaos. The mental disconnect is that I had a really peaceful feeling about the job beforehand. Jrex and his Mom also had peace. It feels like I was directed to this job only to get there and find out it would involve much more character building than it would fulfillment.

Sigh. I’m very tired of character. I’m tired of being the conflict-resolution facilitator. I’m tired of having to be strong. Tired of listening to everyone without always feeling heard in return. I’m just bummed that the dream job feels a bit like a set-up. I’ll rally and regroup and pray for my co-workers and love them where they are. We’ll see the department turn around and become a wonderful place to be. I’ll be part of that. It’s just that tonight, I’m tired.

So I took it out on Jrex. As usual.

I suspect that whenever my life feels disappointing, I want him to step up and be my super-hero, which is an unfair burden on anyone. When the rest of my life feels small, I thrash around in the safe place of this relationship. A place that has become so close to my ideal that the gaps between reality and my dreams drive me crazy.

I’m sorry, babe. I still think the questions I asked you are valid, but the torrent of emotion around the questions was driven by a different stream.


Beloved said...

I'm guilty of those torrents too--I have valid complaints or issues, but later regret my choice of delivery.

It stinks about your work situation; I know it's exhausting to be the cheerleader.

Rachel said...

I'm sorry the job isn't what I thought it would be. I hope things improve.

I know what you mean about not having the life you envisioned. It's hard to be at the mercy of someone else's career.

Aunt Country Singer said...

I agree! This is not where I want to be. This is not what I want to do. I did not sign up for this, but I would not change what has come before. Your mom also griped about life being "SOOOO HARD!" and not what she sign up for. But she loved you and your dad and would not change that. Can you imagine what your mom would tell you? Grandma would say "This too will pass." I miss them. You can gripe at us anytime. Love you.

Snickollet said...

"I’m very tired of character. I’m tired of being the conflict-resolution facilitator. I’m tired of having to be strong. Tired of listening to everyone without always feeling heard in return."

Amen, sister. I am right there with you.

I'm sorry your job it not what you had hoped, at least for now.

And as for the paths that life takes, it's hard to spend so long feeling like you don't have control or reconciling expectations with reality. I struggle with this a lot, too.

Sending you lots of strength. I'm sorry you're in a rough place right now.

(But your b-day event at Vino Locale sounds like lots of fun!)

scarp said...

I think Snick hit the nail on the head with the phrase, "reconciling expectations with reality". Isn't that what almost all of our discontent boils down to? Sometimes I wish I could stop having any expectations at all, so I wouldn't end up disaapointed when they don't come to be. But then that feels too much like becoming a pessimist, and as you know, I love to be an optimist. I keep trying to find the balance between having hope for the future without boxing it in with a bunch of expectations.

I'll be praying for you (both)...

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Snick and Scarp have said...I hear you on this, how you're feeling and how you react to it, I'm there more often than I'd like to admit.

I hope the job turns the corner quicker than you're in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I just wanted to hold you and comfort you.

It's good that you have women in your blog circle who under-
stand. Because what you want and need in the midst of your turmoil is listening hearts and understanding. And my impulse
is to turn to problem solving.

I wrote a lengthy problem-solving essay.
And then I deleted it.

But, before deleting, I
saved it. When you're
ready for it, I'll have it.

Know that you are loved.

Inkling said...

Do you ever have one of those "aha" moments where you feel like "Yes, this person is a kindred spirit!"? Well, this post did that for me. Words aren't adequate to express this, but I hear you completely on this. And I'm glad you have a JRex who is faithful and commited, even in times like this.