Doing the Mosh Pit

(sorry, this one is a little long...)

I know you’re all clamoring for a Harry Potter review, or at least, my Dad is, but that’s not what’s on my mind.

I’ve been thrashing around emotionally tonight. As usual, poor Jrex has bourn the brunt. Are there issues in our relationship that are relevant and worth thrashing about? Sure. Yet after exploding all over him, I sat and thought about what was really happening inside me. Is it merely that I’m at a boiling point due to deep-seated concerns about our life? Perhaps. But it’s also just a general frustration with my life.

It’s weird. Last night I was ready to post about how amazing it is that I’ve felt surrounded by community after less than a year here. I went to my small group last night, an unofficial group of women loosely affiliated with my church. In honor of my birthday two different people brought cakes and we went out to a little café called Vino Locale that specializes in local wines and foods. We brought the cakes, did some candles, talked and shared life. I’ve never had a birthday that lasted for two weeks. This is ridiculous.

Yet all of a sudden tonight I feel like I hate my life. And it’s not PMS!

I think it’s mostly a reflection of disappointment. Since getting married much of my life has been about making the best of changing circumstances as Jrex’s career takes us around the country. On the whole, I’ve done an OK job at finding the good wherever we’ve ended up; I’ve found wonderful people and collected a degree and some cool jobs. Yet I always come back to a sense that I’m in the wrong life. I know I’m in the right marriage, but we’ve ended up living a DINK (Double-Income, No Kids.) life I never envisioned. It’s VERY hard for me to make it fit.

So then I get my first “career” job. Maybe THIS will be fulfilling and give me something to really dive into. But, no. The job has a lot of potential, but the current reality is a department in transition and full of toxic people. Which means I get to be the cheerful, non-complaining, non-cussing, non-backbiting, relatively calm freak in the midst of chaos. The mental disconnect is that I had a really peaceful feeling about the job beforehand. Jrex and his Mom also had peace. It feels like I was directed to this job only to get there and find out it would involve much more character building than it would fulfillment.

Sigh. I’m very tired of character. I’m tired of being the conflict-resolution facilitator. I’m tired of having to be strong. Tired of listening to everyone without always feeling heard in return. I’m just bummed that the dream job feels a bit like a set-up. I’ll rally and regroup and pray for my co-workers and love them where they are. We’ll see the department turn around and become a wonderful place to be. I’ll be part of that. It’s just that tonight, I’m tired.

So I took it out on Jrex. As usual.

I suspect that whenever my life feels disappointing, I want him to step up and be my super-hero, which is an unfair burden on anyone. When the rest of my life feels small, I thrash around in the safe place of this relationship. A place that has become so close to my ideal that the gaps between reality and my dreams drive me crazy.

I’m sorry, babe. I still think the questions I asked you are valid, but the torrent of emotion around the questions was driven by a different stream.