Coworking and Retainers, Oh My!

I'm realizing how emotionally shut down I was during the job offer from Industrial Company. I played Spider obsessively, didn't have anything to say on the blog, didn't want to talk on the phone. I kept imagining the commute and the environment in their building and was trying to make it work, but also felt surrounded by low-level dread.

Today, my first day of freedom, is beautiful!

Of course, my current company didn't really let me quit. We have a couple of ongoing projects and my ECD made me keep the computer until mine comes in next week. It's nice to have some guaranteed income, but made my exit interview a bit anti-climactic.

You'd think that working remotely for 2-years would feel the same as freelancing, but it feels totally different. When I'd go to networking lunches, I felt like I was cheating my employer by not being at my desk. Now it feels like part of building my business.

So much is happening!

This morning I visited two co-working spaces. One is downtown, the other is in a hipster neighborhood on the east side of town. I'd assumed I would prefer the hipster version, but wanted to check them both out.

Co-working space is a new phenomenon sweeping the world of small business. Instead of being holed up alone in your garage, you can gather in a shared space with all the other garage dwellers. It's an outgrowth of the economic downturn. As so many people tried to figure out creative ways to earn a living, they were working from home. After a couple years they, like me, figured out how much they needed community.

The space downtown does strategic community building. Once a week they do "Wine Down" time. Everyone turns off their devices, gathers together with a glass of wine and talks through what they are working on. They do a 1x week Social Media Sync where you can learn strategic approaches to LinkedIn/Facebook/Twitter/etc. TED+Beer: watch a TED talk and discuss. The first week there you get vetted. You get a card and have to get it signed by three other members after you grab coffee or lunch together. Builds community AND screens for Crazy Person. Very smart.

The real selling points for me though are the space: brick walls, clean desks, access to an outdoor deck, and loose tea leaves in addition to "slow coffee". See those desks in the way, way back (as Brex would say), those are the dedicated desks.

THEN I came home and had a phone call. My co-conspirator from our old mother ship landed at Cool Company. They have roots in the agency world with elements of experiential marketing and digital motion graphics. They proposed keeping me on a 20-hour/week retainer with the option for more hours. Which means, pending the dollar/hour amount, that 20-hours could equal my old salary!

I have a call with Go Go Woman's company this afternoon to start doing projects for them. A call with Chicago woman next week to see how to plug me into a few things she's cooking up. AND a meeting tomorrow with Local Agency to see how they might use me going forward. Plus ongoing projects with Mother Ship. Do the math and I already need help!

So, I need to find some freelancers who can handle some of this.
Yikes. I need to figure out a company name and get an S-corp set up ASAP. Fortunately the co-working space has a certified financial planner!

Let the Empire Building begin!

Roller Coaster!

Well, the job saga is now both over and just beginning.

I ended up finding out I was the final candidate for the family-run business. Long story short, I did an all day personality test for them that left me feeling yucky, pissed off and like I didn't want to work there AT ALL. There were two interviews and the women who ran them were aggravating. I'm sure that was the intent, but it worked. So I came home not wanting the job at all. They called me back in for a third interview. We worked through our mutual red flags. Last week they gave me an offer. Creat1ve Director title at my current salary. Great. Not ecstatic, but willing to give it a try.

Then in an email, my potential supervisor mentioned that office hours were 8-5:30. We'd planned for me to drop off Brex, but his daycare opens at 7:30 and it's a 40 minute drive. Ignoring the part where getting him THERE by 7:30 would be miraculous, I still couldn't get in by 8 AM. I sent a casual email asking if that was going to be an issue. I offered to eat at my desk or make up the hours in the evening. Four days later (Monday) they emailed back to say there is NO flex in the work hours. Apparently my potential supervisor had been wrestling with HR that whole time!

I wrote back and apologized that I'd assumed 'office hours' meant 9AM-5:30 or 6PM. In a good faith effort (to make them the bad guys not me!), I said it seemed tragic if this was going to fall apart over 15-30 minutes. Well, it fell apart! Basically, the entire experience reinforced every red flag we'd felt on both sides and in the end, it was a gracious, kind parting of ways.

I am ecstatic! My final day at my current job is today and I am so happy.

The net effect of all of this is that I'm launching out of the nest and doing freelance. It should allow me, and us, much more flexibility.

After a flurry of phone calls and letting people know I'm available, it's feeling like there's blood in the water! My co-conspirator's company is calling Thursday morning with a job offer (I'm planning to politely ask if we can revisit the conversation in 6-months). Freelance work for them sounds great, but I really want to give it a try for a while. I've got three potential freelance projects lined up including one with Chicago Woman.

That's not even counting any ongoing projects with my current company.

I already called a local co-working space and they just had two people drop out so they have space available. My computer and monitor belong to current company and Jrex has used his educational d1scount to order replacements.

What was the point of the long detour with Family-Run? I think it forced Jrex and I to really talk things through and prioritize decisions. It's brought us both on board the freelance concept. I don't know that I would have ever really pulled the trigger to do freelance, but now that it's been 'forced' upon me, I couldn't be happier.

Of course, the fact that I've had trouble sleeping the last two nights shows me I'm anxious underneath the euphoria, but that seems like a normal side effect of jumping off a cliff! Yee-hah!

Crazier and Crazier

The work drama! Holy camoly.

Snippets:

• Had second interview yesterday with a family-run company. Very salt of the earth, with an interesting chance to help them build their brand for a new generation. Should hear back end of day or tomorrow. Right now my prayer is that if it's NOT what I should be doing, that the door would close. I'm kind of scared they might make me an offer! It's just so different than everything I've been doing that I'm scared it might take me off the career path. That said, would that be a bad thing?
  
• Just spoke with our Global Head of Creat1ve about shifting from full-time to contract. He basically told me he'd love to steal me and sign me up for a one-year contract. I'm supposed to get him the numbers and make a proposal. I asked about titles and he said I could call myself whatever I want, but right now, he's looking for an Assoc1ate Creat1ve Director (which essentially means someone who's still willing to touch a keyboard). So, I could potentially double my salary, but the work he has for me is all in New Business Development and MarCom. Do I want that?
  
• My co-conspirator is going to tell them today that he doesn't want to stay. They don't know that yet, but I do. He has an offer in-hand from another company and he's in conversation with the company headquartered here in Dallas. The same one that Go Go Woman has been talking with me about. He told me to call them because the San Fran branch might be willing to have me working for out of the Dallas office. So that might turn into a full-time offer. The issue there might messing up the slow train with Go Go and Chicago. However, that train is so slow that I've really stopped waiting for it! My buddy would LOVE to have us move together and keep working together.
  
• I want to freelance so I get in the door with local agencies. It sounds like I could stay so busy that it would never happen! That's a fantastic problem to have, but doesn't help with getting connected with people on a local level.
   

So, total change to a new career path?

Same company, different role, lots more money, same stress?

New company, same functions, same stress? 

Sheesh. I'm off to do some math... Please chime in with any thoughts. I suspect that no one is particularly interested in all this except my Dad, but if any of you are still checking in, I need the sounding board!

Jumping off the cliff!

In the last week, I've had two interviews. Both for full-time. Both not quite the 'right' job, but certainly interesting and doable. Both went well overall, though I've yet to hear about next steps. As I drove home from one of them, I realized that I will have a life regret if I don't freelance and get to know the design scene in Dallas.

Now, one of my policies is to try to avoid 'what ifs' and regrets. Go far enough down a road that interests me until I realize I don't need to explore it anymore. Fine Art? I'm good, but not compelled enough to fill blank canvas without a deadline. Foster care? I would love to do it, but my life partner is worn down enough by life/work that it's not fair to impose on him. Graphic Design? I'm very good and love it, but I'm ready to move into management/client-facing elements of it. Work from home? Great fantasy, but doesn't fit my personality.

Ironically, doing freelance actually ties in well with trying to do the big jump that Go Go Woman is encouraging. It allows me to go to a competitor without violating the 'no poaching' agreement. Yet, in the meantime, let's me figure out where I fit into the Dallas design scene.

Three weeks ago, I fasted and prayed about the job/future and that day, a woman emailed me from a big Dallas agency to see if I'm ready to freelance. I told her she'd be my first call. Yesterday I fasted and prayed again. And drama ensued back at the office!!!

One of my co-workers, Tigger, came to my company specifically to work with me. He asked me point blank in December if I'm looking for work. When I said yes, he kicked into over-drive looking for work. He's about to get an offer letter. Our company global Creat1ve D1rector is in the office this week and he pulled Tigger into the office for a heart to heart. Tigger was honest. Yesterday, our local CD called Tigger and they had a super honest meeting. Looks like our company will now do a counter-offer. Part of the issue is not having the money to hire the people Tigger needs to do his job. Yet they are looking to hire a new Exec CD for new business without hiring more people to implement the big ideas. That would mean there would be FOUR CDs and two 2D designers. One of them remote.

Not good.

Two of the current CDs have no idea what to do with me. They don't pick up the phone, don't do WebEx, write cryptic non-informational emails and expect me to deliver. When I don't, they assume I'm a bad designer or I don't get it. I have no desire to continue working with either of them, but I'd be happy to work with a few other groups in my company. If I freelance, I think everyone is happy.

So, this thought that's been growing came to a tipping point this morning after talking with Tigger and hearing about yesterday's drama. I just sent an email to the global head of creative to ask if he'd call me to discuss freelance vs full-time.

Gulp.

Autocratic vs Democratic Leadership

During our date night Saturday, Jrex helped me clarify my thinking in terms of how I see myself as a leader and what my vision is for running a creative department.

We were discussing my recent job interview with Christian Agency. It went fine, but he asked me a few questions that were getting at what my vision is for running a department. I felt like I didn't have one! All my answers were tactical vs big picture (a tendency I have anyway. Too pragmatic...).

As I told Jrex, "I feel like I'm more reactive than proactive in terms of vision. On FB, it's rare that I initiate a hilarious post, but I can be funny in reaction to someone else's post. With clients, I don't come in ready to tell them how it should look, rather I trust that as we talk, we'll find that vision together and then I'll help mold it into a viable solution. For a team, I want us to do the thinking together and then I'm happy to be the one who sells it to the client and comes back to interpret for the team.

Jrex then put it this way, "You do have a vision. However, it's not an autocrat who comes in to dictate the way it should be. Rather you envision a democratic process where the group is involved and then you make the final decision. You don't want to be the one with the vision who then has a crew of robots cranking it out. You are comfortable being surrounded by a strong team and helping to channel their energy and creativity in strategic directions."

I keep selling myself short by thinking that I'm not the big idea person therefore I'm not really a Creative Director. Someone I respect at my current job told me I was full of it, and Jrex agreed. I keep thinking that in order to be a CD, I need to have the big picture (which seems to mean being an Autocrat in my head) and I'm completely uncomfortable with that idea.

Perhaps it's a piece of the old and new overlapping. Old school advertising and marketing was/is driven by a male model for the BIG sell/pushiness whereas I think my generation and younger are more driven by consensus, involvement and authenticity. The current leadership in most agencies is still somewhat informed by the old model, which doesn't fit who I am or how I lead a group.

I'm also thinking that I need to accept the gift I'm being given to regroup, rethink and re-envision what I want to be doing professionally. I've just been trying to get a new job without really considering where I want to end up in 5-10 years. So, it's back to my Dad's question, "If you were guaranteed $100,000/year the rest of your life, what would you do?"

The status

I had a strong sense that I should take a break from the job hunt between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was good to focus on my family. Between December 21 and January 6th, I think I only had to turn on the computer twice. It was AWESOME.

Since starting work again, I've been immersed in a branding exercise for one of our big clients. It's mostly over at this point (phew!), so I'm starting to apply again for jobs. Let's just say things are hopping!

• I aced a phone interview yesterday and heard back the same day that they want me to come in for a face-to-face interview. This is for a Christian agency. I'm nervous about stepping off the career trajectory, but it's a really interesting opportunity to build a department from the ground up in a supportive environment. The X-factor is if it would stay interesting enough once we finish the brand refresh and get the team built. As much as I complain about work, I'm an adrenaline junky and enjoy a fast pace.
• I met with a woman at a placement agency who works with a massive tech company here in Dallas. They do all their own branding, events, and video work in-house and could use someone with my skill set. She emailed today that they asked her to send my info over.
• I emailed Chicago woman that I'm interviewing. She wrote back right away to ask if I could wait for next week. She has meetings set up to find out if she can grow her team or not. I said that seemed fine.
• In February Go Go Woman is coming to town for meetings (unrelated to me). We've made plans to go out for breakfast. It's more of a friends hanging out event vs a job talk. Depending how things go with the Christian company, she'd actually be a good person to weigh in on the career vs life balance choice.
• I also submitted an application for a local company that wants an Art Director. I doubt they'll call me, but I hope they will (I'm overqualified/expensive). Their call for applications was hysterical and fits my personality.

I'm excited that things are moving again!

Of course, there are other life events happening, but they are mostly of the Ordinary Splendor variety:

• Brex often stands in front of me and commands, "Make a lap!" I have him say please and then sit cross-legged on the floor. He cuddles in with whatever the book du jour is and we read and then devolve into tickling games.
• I visited the neighborhood elementary school when they did an Open House. They have an amazing program that includes dance, orchestra, drama, etc. However, it does look like the kids are doing the same thing at the same time. If we've learned one thing about Brex, he is both intelligent and methodical. If he gets absorbed in something, you can't rush him. We're thinking Montessori would be a better fit so that he can go fast or slow as needed. It's a ways off, but I like to think about it.
• Looks like Mom K is going to be moving to Big D!!! We thought she would just go to LA, but Jrex's sister asked if we'd think about her spending half the year here (in an apartment, NOT in our house). I'm actually getting excited about the idea. I have this picture of her living within walking distance of Brex's school and picking him up and being his after school care. Not sure if that will really happen, but I like the picture of them getting time to really know each other. We'd likely be her health home base (i.e. one of us would go to her doctor's appointments with her) since SIL is juggling a husband on disability who can't drive and a daughter in private school who needs a ride to/from school.

 I can't promise to be better about blogging, but I'll try! (also, I need new blog buddies. It feels like all the ordinary people just use FB instead of blogging and the only blogs are semi-professional. Is that just in my head?)

My lame reason for not posting

Most days I log into Firefox using my web domain Google ID. That allows me to easily apply for jobs and communicate using my official email address. At the same time, I use Safari for my 'friends' Gmail account. On Safari I have my work FB account. On Firefox I have my 'friends' FB account.

Confused? It doesn't matter. The point is that I have to log out and log in under my OTRgirl identity before I can do a blog post. And I don't bother most of the time...

How long does that take? A massive 5 seconds or so.

[hangs head] I have no excuse.

More waiting, but I'm fine with it (for once!)

Just got a call from Go Go Engine who'd just chatted with Chicago Woman. Go Go told me she'd been concerned that Chicago Woman might be looking for a mouse jockey vs a big idea/client facing person. She knows I fit the latter, but not the former (I'm not a 3D booth designer).

Chicago Woman needs a big idea person. Go Go told her she thinks I'd be perfect for the role then. She's going to do an email introduction today and then Chicago Woman and I will chat on the phone in the next couple weeks. If we hit it off, then the next time she comes to corporate headquarters, we'd meet in person (likely after the first of the year). IF all that goes smoothly, the challenge will be to find the funding for a position that doesn't yet exist. The job challenge after we manage all those hurdles would be that people think of this company as a general contractor vs an agency. In some ways, I'd be further down the creative mindshare food chain, but that just enhances the challenge!

Another irony in all of this is that Chicago Woman is now being supervised by my previous Creat1ve Director! She's having a hard time getting a read on him, so that should be interesting fuel for our chat.

I feel really peaceful about all this. Even before this possibility, I'd had a feeling that I should cool it on the job hunt through the end of the year. I feel like the interviews I've had have helped give me a sample of the options in Dallas. I'd like to explore further, but if this works out, it seems like a great opportunity. I'd be working from an office again, but answering to a Chicagoan, so hopefully wouldn't have to fuss too much with toning myself down.

I love the idea of having the client contact, helping to do the big picture thinking and then working with a team to make it happen. I'm also really happy that we get to stick with our vacation plans and escape to our cabin in Taos for Christmas!

Letting Brex set the pace

This morning, I took Brex to the zoo so that Appa could write in peace.

Jrex is working on a review paper. He's a week behind schedule with future deadlines for talks and papers looming ahead of him. I don't know how to help him choose to set aside time to relax. The only helpful thing I know to do is make room for him to get his work done and not add to his stress. The downside is that Brex doesn't expect Appa to be a part of his usual weekend experience. "Appa at work" is one of his most common phrases. As Brex would put it, "So sad... Sad face..."

At the zoo, we didn't have a set agenda, yet it was somehow hard for me to just relax and let Brex do what he wanted to do. For example, we only rode the $2 kiddie train one time. It went around a little asphalt track, there were no animals in sight and it was over in less than 4 minutes. If he'd had his way, we'd have been on it for at least 3 more rounds. I couldn't take the bang for the buck ratio—or lack thereof, so I was mean mommy and made him go look at the reptile house instead.

 

The other factor in feeling rushed was needing to hit the bathroom before and after each stop along the way. Brex is officially potty trained, but it's rare he makes it through the day in the same pants. By now, we've got the routine down in public restrooms: I put the seat up, stand him on the rim of the toilet, pull his pants and underwear down, let him do his thing, pull his clothes back on, put him down, put the seat down, take my turn and we're done. EXCEPT then we have to survive his hand washing drama--let's just say it's full of "Brex do it!" and involves countless variations on faucets, soap dispensers and paper towels contraptions. In other words, in a four hour excursion, probably one hour of that time was spent in a bathroom.

At the end of the trip, when we were finally heading home—only one hour past his usual nap time—he saw an elephant fountain. There were five smallish bronze elephants surrounded by a moat of water. The water surface was lined with floating bubbles and fallen leaves. Brex zoomed over to it with a huge grin. As I was about to hustle him along, I paused. Everyone keeps reminding me how fleeting this time is and to enjoy it.

So, instead of insisting, "Time to go home!", I sat down 10-feet away and just watched. He didn't seem to care where I was. Rather, he lay down on the ground with his arms over the water and popped
bubbles. After two dabs, he sat up, pulled his sleeves up over his elbows and lay back down. Next he started grabbing leaves out of the water and shaking them. Then he stood up and started doing full-body throws to fling the leaves into the water. He'd then kneel down and reach to grab the leaf back and then start the jack-knife throw again. Various groups gathered at the fountain to take family pictures in their journey into or out of the zoo. My son neither noticed nor cared as he stood, flung, knelt, grabbed and stood again in joy.

At one point a slightly older girl in an all-pink outfit sat down on the bench right next to him. He was excited to show off for her. In delight, he placed a BIG wet leaf right on her lap. She flung it off and looked at him in disgust as she moved further down the bench. He was crestfallen and started to look around. That's when he finally looked for me. When he spotted me, he called out, "Mommy, get up! Get up!"

I smiled and joined him at the pond. He wanted my full participation and directed it. He gave me a leaf, told me, "Throw it, Mommy, throw it!" I did. "Get it, Mommy, get it!" I'd interject, "Say please, buddy"

"Mommy, please get it!"

When I tried to sit facing away from the fountain, Mr. Imperious demanded, "Turn around, Mommy!" I had to enjoy it the exact same way he had. We finally wrapped it up with a few rounds of, "Say bye bye to the elephants. Bye bye leaves. Bye bye water."

He was a crabby mess by the time I finally got him down for his nap at 2:30 (2-hours late). Yet later that day, while chatting on speaker phone with Aunt OTRsis, when she asked what he did at the zoo, he answered, "Saw elephants! Throw leaves!"

I need to remember to allow for leaf throwing time. To let our days unfold without imposing an unnecessary agenda. To sink into a moment and let it become a world. To feel the joy that's available anytime I stop long enough to let it in. Why is something so simple so difficult for me to remember?

When is the last time you threw leaves?

May we all find room this week for something small that becomes a door to the infinite. Thanks, Buddy, for the reminder.

Staying open to what might come. Subtitle: never burn a bridge

When hired in 2007, I was the designer for Tech Client. The lead Tech Client account person in our office was an amazing exec producer we'll call Go Go Engine. She taught me how to craft a team, how to run a meeting, how to pitch to clients. Then Tech Client was bought by the Evil Emp1re and Go Go Engine just wasn't thrilled by our other options at the time. She's moved on to three other agencies in the last four years.

Over the years we've stayed in touch via LinkedIn and occasional email exchanges. She reached out to me a couple days ago and we  chatted on the phone this morning. A few weeks ago she started a new job for one of our competitors. In discussions about the new direction they've hired her to initiate, my name came up. They aren't hiring for a specific position, but wanted to check about my availability/willingness to jump ship. The immediate felt need is a woman in Chicago who needs a fellow exper1ence des1gner to help create big picture solutions for major corporate clients. It would involve coming up with ideas, working with 3D designers to flesh out the ideas, pitching the concepts, then ushering them through to completion. The bonus is that the company's national headquarters are down the road from Brex's daycare. I could work out of that office for a boss in Chicago with Go Go Engine as a 2-level up advocate.

I may not be what Chicago Woman needs, but Go Go Engine at least wants me to talk with her and see if I'm a good fit for a position that's still a bit TBD. How's that for completely vague, yet deeply gratifying?

After feeling like my current boss sees me as a mediocre designer who's good for PPT, it's really, really affirming to have someone who knows and values me as a thinker.
============

In other news, I've been buried alive in generating graphics for an event in 2-weeks. Jrex got all his grants submitted and now has two papers and a big talk to prep. I think we're both seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Brex continues to crack us up. He's now entered the "Brex do it" phase, which mostly means everything takes 3x as long. He feeds the dog every night, carefully balancing the cup of food and walking around the island to drop it in her dish without spilling any. He's learned to unzip his onesie pajamas "All la way to the foot". He's mostly potty trained, so that adds one more layer of logistics to every outing. Just pulling his pants and underwear down and back up is a production, never mind what goes into the potty. Sigh. Hand washing is agonizingly slow.

Yet, no matter what happens on the day to day with him, I have such a profound baseline of gratitude. Watching a dear friend struggle with infertility, another dear friend wrestle with singleness and childlessness, a third friend who had to have a hysterectomy in her early thirties, having a kid of our own was never guaranteed and I'm so, so grateful.

The challenge is to slow down enough to FEEL the gratitude and joy. It's too easy to slip into an agenda driven day and be focused on how LONG it all takes and how hard it is to not just be able to Walk. Out. The. Door. Already. Yet I know these will be wistful, fleeting, happy memories in a very short time.

So here I am, busily, gratefully, excitedly checking in.

Curiouser and curiouser

While getting ready for yesterday's job interview, I had an odd sense of calm. The 'little voice' (God's quiet nudges) kept telling me to not stay up too late, not stress too much. For the most part, I listened.

Even while getting ready, I just didn't have much 'juice'. I kept thinking, well, if I get this one, it'll be like the story of Gideon where God kept taking away all the props that would have let him say he won the battle on his own. My go-to outfit needed hemming, my backup outfit didn't seem right for the company. I got that sorted and arrived with about 7 minutes to spare before my appointment.

I'd been told there would be two people in the interview; there was just one woman a couple years older than me. She started right away with this, "I hope you don't mind that I went ahead with the interview. The position you applied for is already filled, but honestly, that wouldn't have been a good fit for you. I wanted to meet you and talk through your work. I thought about calling to let you know, but I didn't want you to opt out! Is that ok?"

What do you say to that?! I was gracious, but kind of bummed.

She wanted me to walk through my portfolio. I have it all set up on 'my' iPad (I plan on returning it within the 30-day window...cause I just don't want to own one.) For last week's interview and this one, I tried to figure out the five key stories they need to hear. Last week was all about the big, sexy, fun ideas. This week was more about my capabilities for corporate clients. It's nuts that I have to spend a few hours prepping a new document for each interview. (OK, OK, 'it's' not nuts, I am!)

Here are some of the snippets from our conversation:

"Your work and thinking are very strong. You know you're not really an art director, right?"

She'd worked in California, too, so I could ask her about that, "Yeah, I'm starting to get the sense that in Dallas an art director is just a glorified graphic designer?"

"Exactly. When I hire someone from design school, they are a junior art director. You're working at the level of at least an Associate Creative Director, but really, you could be a Creative Director without a problem. If I were you, I'd consider freelancing in town for a while. Speaking from experience, if you go straight from a California company to a Dallas company, you're in for a lot of culture shock. It's better to get a sense of the players before you commit to one place. I think you could stay very busy as a freelancer. Would you mind if I tell people about you if I hear that someone is looking?"

Of course! I asked her about the need to 'tone it down' as a woman leader in Dallas culture. She nodded emphatically, "You have no idea! Not only have I worked in LA, I'm from Chicago!" I cracked up as she continued, "They had no idea what hit them. Eventually they realized my assertiveness was all on behalf of the client, so they stopped taking it personally and got used to me, but it was an adjustment for all of us. It helps that only 10 percent of our company are Dallas natives."

In the end, it was a great talk, she wants me to keep in touch, seems like someone worth meeting for lunch every month or two, and I'm really bummed I don't get to work with her (yet)!

I'm also bummed that I need to rework the website and redo my business cards. My Dad wants me to pause and rethink everything. What would I do if I had $100,000/year for the rest of my life. If money were no object, what would you do? I need to think about it more, but I think I'd still do design; perhaps teach it in underserved schools (after buying computers for the class) or do design for non-profits, etc.

In the meantime, given that it's nice to be paid for my expertise, I'll likely spend more time thinking about how to retool my 'brand'.
What do you think about the presumption factor? I can easily claim the title of Art Director on a business card, but calling myself a Creative Director is a bit of a leap. Do I put my current title: "2D Exper1ence Designer" and explain that it involves art direction and creative direction and that I'm seeking a job as a CD?

This definitely helps explain why it's been hard to find a good fit, or even get interviews. I'm overqualified for the job title here. It's amazing to get such a strong vote of confidence, but I'm intimidated!

Keeping the balls in the air!

Tuesday
Thought I aced the job interview. I'd set up my portfolio as a Choose Your Own Adventure with the five key stories that applied to the company. All went well. Left on a total high. Loved the job and the group.

Hosted book club to discuss Breakfast at Tiffany's. Had a great talk, lots of fun.

Pulled an all nighter to catch up with all the work I'd neglected while prepping for the job interview. Had very little interest in my current work. Was practicing my resignation speeches/emails in my head.

Wednesday
Met for "Lunch L@b" with a group of folk trying to get protected pedestrian/bike baths put in throughout downtown. We meet once a week and are putting together a pitch document with the goal of meeting with foundations and donors in January. In Big D, you get the money first, then you loop in the politicians and the city. Money talks and it's a proven test of concept here. Got the outline put together and agreed to put it into a Keynote/PDF format.

Ate lunch with a grad student who's helping on the project. Did some mentoring/career advice.

Got home to an email that they'd selected an internal candidate. Total Depression. UGH.

Dragged myself out to pick up Brex, took him to Jrex's office for a networking dinner. They went home together while I dragged myself to a networking event for the area Big Design Association 'meet the board' night. Had some great chats and loved being around people. Left feeling less depressed.

Thursday
Tried to get my head back into my current projects.

Got a call from another agency to come in for an interview next week. They're in the same building as the Tuesday group! 

Met someone for a networking lunch. Thought it would be more personal connection, less professional. Turns out she knows everybody and gave me ten people to contact. She'll be feeding me their emails. She worked with one of the people I interviewed with on Tuesday and told me to say hi. Even more helpful, I could ask her about the weird vibe I've been getting here that I'm 'strong meat'. I feel like I come across too forcefully. Stuff that's totally normal in the Bay Area (she lived and worked in San Francisco) is pushy here. There's enough Southern in the culture that I need to pull back, soften the approach and let there be a velvet glove over the steel. Also, contract negotiations take multiple steps, so I need to be less 'all cards on the table'. I HATE playing games, but if there's a game to play (and there seems to be), it helps to know the rules.

Now I have to do Thank You cards for the job I didn't get. Sigh. However, it's a small community here and everyone knows everyone, so it pays to do things well and honorably.

Small group tonight.

Oh, and I also have to finish revising my 'real' work deliverable by tomorrow morning.

Grooming Behaviors

I've always been a kid magnet. Without trying, in many social situations, I end up with children climbing all over me. So other people being friendly or enjoying playing with children never seemed like an issue until I worked in a residential treatment center for behaviorally disturbed kids. In English: they'd all been physically and/or sexually abused and had behaviors that resulted from the abuse.

One of the 10-year olds started dressing like one of the 9-year olds. She started making gifts for the other girl. One of the staff said, "We need to make sure those two are never alone together; those are grooming behaviors."

"What do you mean? Isn't she just being nice?"

I got a Look, "Girl, lissen up. If someone wants to abuse a kid, or anyone, sexually, they usually set them up. They get them to want to spend time with them: gifts, fun events, fun yard, stuff like that. That girl is setting up her friend to try something."

So much for innocence. Mine.

At church, Brex and I often share a pew with an older couple. At first I thought they were irritated by his antics, but they slowly warmed up. One Sunday they had a friend with them. He and Brex made faces at each other and did other cute interactions. I assumed he was just good with kids.

The next Sunday, the older woman gave me a new toy truck. "Our friend Big T wanted to give this to your son. He really had fun playing with him the other week. He just loved your kid and wanted to make him happy." I said thank you, and Brex loved his new truck.

A gift after one interaction sent up a warning flag. I usually wait for another data point before concluding anything, but I knew I'd never leave my kid alone with Big T.

Another data point came the next Sunday. During worship the older woman signalled she had something for me. I nodded. I took Brex back for Sunday school and then came back and sat in the back. After the service, the older woman gave the card intended for me to the pastor's daughter who was working in Sunday School. When the older woman saw me and told me she'd made a mistake and gave it to the wrong person.

"It's ok. I'll get it. Don't worry about it.

When I got the the Sunday school room, the pastor's daughter looked stricken, "I'm SO sorry, she gave me this and I opened and read it cause I thought it was for me. Are you ok?"

I was confused by her concern. The card was from Big T. In it he wrote that he's sorry he hasn't been able to come by church, but he's a missionary and travels alot. He's been praying for us and wants me to know that everything will be ok (I often cry during worship. Usually cause I'm just so struck by something about who God is that feels so big or amazing). He gave me his phone number and told me to call any time. Apparently my facial expressions reflected the same emotions the pastor's daughter had experienced.

 

I quickly explained the situation. I laughed ruefully, "Since Jrex doesn't come to church, he must think I'm a single mom. I thought Brex was the target, but it looks like it's me!" Of course, the terrifying truth is that there are men who target women with children in order to get to the children. How sad that if I were single and feeling unlovely and unloved, and if I didn't know about grooming behaviors, I might be drawn to someone who seems like a very nice guy.

Now, I don't KNOW that's he's an abuser, but two data points confirms my first conclusion: he will never be alone with my son. It also means I need to write him a note to thank him for the gift and let him know that I'm happily married, fine with interacting with him when he visits church, but not looking for anything else.

What truly struck me was coming home from church and telling a friend about it. "You mean people like that go to church? Surely not!"

Did she miss the whole thing with the Catholic church? Never hear about youth group leaders abusing kids? Many pedophiles and sexual abusers are charismatic,  compelling, friendly people who are great with kids. As much as part of me is sad that I need to be on guard, I'm grateful that I know some of the warning signs and know when to proceed with caution.

Real life incidents that I look back on and see red flags:

• The nice policeman with the pool who was great with neighborhood kids and would take groups of them to his house for the afternoon. My brother and sister went. He abused one of their friends, or at least did inappropriate touching.
• The discomfort I felt when our pastor treated me like a beautiful woman when I was a shy, awkward young girl. I thought he was being kind and I just didn't know how to respond. I found out later he was inappropriate with adult women in church; I suspect I was picking up an 'off' vibe.

Given that it was news to me in my 20's and was just news to my friend in her 30's, consider this my public service announcement for the day.

Reasons, shcmeasons

Why so little blogging?

As I've driven around town for various networking events or for the (rare) job interview, I've considered the issue. Most of my blog posts percolated during my daily commute. Since moving here, the only driving I do is to drive Brex to school or pick him up. That means half of the drive is filled with, "Ex-ca-va-tor! Mom!! Ex-ca-va-tor!"

"Yes, Brex, you see an excavator. Isn't that exciting?"

"I see it. Ex-ca-va-tor."

"Mom! No train on bridge. So sad. Un-da-neat!"

"That's right, buddy, we're going underneath the train track. No train, so sad!"

Let's just say, while fun, those drives aren't conducive to meandering thought.

The other factor, as I told a friend from the Bay Area recently is that each day is so filled with the little busyness of life that I just don't have much of an interior life. Sure, there are emotional issues I don't have time to delve. However, I'm not going out of my way to avoid them. Rather, I just don't have time to cry or journal or make art in order to process the emotion. There's nothing so overwhelming that it NEEDS attention, just some of my/our ongoing themes.

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In terms of the one area that I'm working hard to change, lots of motion without much forward movement.

I've only had one job interview so far and I blew it. I was so intent on going through the portfolio I'd labored to set up that I didn't realize her main issue was understanding why I might be interested in working at her firm. Apparently my online portfolio is impressive and the fact that I'm coming from CA means most people are assuming I need an astronomical wage. I'm used to having to prove myself in a job interview, apparently now I need to convince a boutique agency that yes, I'd actually love to step away from the big career track and get back into a normal life.

In the midst of all that, I got a call yesterday from a recruiter. She works for a big market1ng agency downtown. On Thursday, I'd done an online application for an Art D1rector role and expected nothing from it.

I have an interview there in a week.

This job would not be a step away from a career, rather it would be a big step into a more responsible, creative, big picture role. I'd be the conceptual art d1rector running the team and the entire portfolio for Big Name Chip Company. This could involve helping do concepts for Super Bow1 Ads among other things. It's intimidating! From their website, and from a fun team video they'd just done, it looks like a team filled with skinny Dallas Millennial women and bearded, hipster Millennial men. That's also an interesting factor. Sure, I'd like to move into management, but it's a big leap to run a team of 25 people!

I think I need a new outfit...and an iPad. The last interview, I borrowed my MIL's iPad since she was visiting, but it would be nice to have one all set up in case there are multiple rounds at this same place.

Last night Jrex and I were both awake in the middle of the night. Me anxiously reviewing what I need to do for the interview, him thinking through what he needs to do to prepare for a Big Government Grant application. We prayed together for a while.

It's a good reminder that there is a place for me here in town and the right thing will open up at the right time.

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I'm sorry for the long silence! I can't promise to be better, but at least I have a couple thoughts percolating in my head. Here's hoping I make time to write them down soon!

I'm still here!

Wow. It's been a busy few weeks. I started this blog post two weeks ago...
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We had a wonderful week away though we've agreed that we need to build in two days of 'nothingness' on either side of vacations.

For this trip, we bought Brex a plane ticket. He's too restless to sit peacefully on our laps, but is used to being in his car seat for road trips. Apparently they no longer have families with small children pre-board the plane! Poor Jrex had to haul the car seat over head to the back of the plane. To add insult to injury, the one that had the anchors we needed for the car seat trolley has a leopard print seat cover. Jrex is the kind of guy who only wears blue, black, gray or tan colors and here he was flaunting an animal print.
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In conclusion: vacation was fun. Brex had a great time and was able to roll with all the new faces and places fairly well. My back started killing me mid-trip since he wanted me to hold him every time we encountered new people.

Camping went really well. I thought he'd be unable to sleep until dark, but once he reached his manic phase (his indicator that he's beyond exhausted), we took him in the tent and did the bedtime routine. He was fine. We bundled him up in tons of layers and piled blankets on top of him and he seemed to sleep well despite the drop to 50-degrees at night.

He LOVED his cousins. They gleefully tromped around the campground, played stomp rocket and didn't have any fights or issues. It helps that my sister's kids are really cool, kind and generous. My 5-year old nephew seemed to delight in his mentoring/teaching role. "OK, Brex. Hold my hand now so I can show you how to walk on this path." I'd expected that from my niece but was happily surprised to see my nephew do that, too.

Once home, I got buried alive by work and am finally coming up for air.

During the momentary lull, I'm working on my logo/identity/website. Jrex and I are in total agreement that it's time for me to look for work locally. One of the reasons that graphic design works better for me than fine art is that I LOVE people contact. I like meeting with the clients and the internal teams to figure out the best solutions. I miss that. I don't like who I'm becoming in isolation and my design is getting stale. I'm not having fun as a designer anymore.

Of course the biggest factor (that I won't say in public) is that the new Creatv Directr is chaos on wheels. He doesn't manage well though he is good at the big picture thinking. Once he has a team in place, I think that department is going to be doing some wonderful work, but he's terrible for me to work for. He doesn't do verbal encouragement, and honestly, I don't think he likes my design style. I don't think I'd do my best work for him.

We're both excited to see what comes next, but first I have to get a LOT done. In addition to the website/business cards/resume, I'll need to buy or borrow an iPad for showcasing my portfolio in interviews. Plus buy some interview outfits. It's not cheap to look for work!

There's no place like home

Last week was insanely busy. On Friday we presented a creative proposal for a us3r c0nference, we treated the standup presentat1on as a mini-confer3nce. It's a great idea, but meant designing a website, email blast, give-away bag and water bottle in addition to the regular standup presentat1on deck. Unfortunately, at the moment we don't have a robust pool of freelancers to pull into the office, so the only other design resource I had in hand was more of a production artist. That meant I couldn't just give her design and let her own it, so I had to do it all. On top of all that, we got hit with deliverables for a new client.

Needless to say, I barely saw anyone. I made time to see friends on Wednesday night, but otherwise I was buried in the office. I did get everything finished Thursday in time to catch the last 2/3rds of Much Ado About Nothing. It's a modernization, but Joss Whedon did a smart thing and filmed in black and white. It gives just enough of an 'old' feel that the language doesn't feel contrived in the modern context. That said, a plot that revolves around whether or not a woman in her early 20's is still a 'maid' feels far fetched, but they made it work.

Beatrice hiding to listen in on Hero telling the maid
about Benedick's hidden passion for Beatrice.

Once back home, we spent a mellow Saturday just hanging out as a family. Long naps for all three of us that afternoon. Then Jrex and I went out to see Superman. The casting was amazing, the acting was really good, the Messianic moments cracked me up, and the ending was over the top, but overall we enjoyed it.

Jrex turned 45 while I was in California. I'd left two gifts hidden for him. I wrote in the card, "Here's hoping you don't have any lingering Korean superstitions. If you do, I'm going with the 'two wrongs make a right' theory."

I gave him two clocks.

In Korean culture, if one gives a clock, it's a death wish for the recipient. As in, time is ticking toward your demise. Nice, right? Obviously, NOT what I want for him. He'd been wanting one next to his bed as well as an atomic clock in the bathroom. For the bedside clock, look what I found!

It's a water powered digital clock. You fill it with tap water and the ions in the water are enough to power the clock for up to five months.

Sunday night I'd invited a couple to join us for Korean food. They brought a homemade cake and a box full of gin and whisky. After dinner, the wife and I chatted and played with their 5-year old son while the guys did a 'tasting'. Let's just say Jrex was quite relaxed and happy when they left!

It's great to be home. The fun continues tomorrow when Jrex's mom and niece arrive from California. They'll be with us through Sunday. We're really looking forward to seeing Asian niece and watching her and Brex fall in love. She's 8-years old so I expect she'll really enjoy Brex and his antics.

And back again.

I'm off to Cally in the morning. Another work trip. This one was planned in advance. Our other 2D designer is gallevanting around Europe with his family and I'm going in to cover one of the weeks that he's gone.

This trip feels harder in terms of leaving Brex. He's learning so much each day, also testing limits and trying our patience, but then giggling and cuddling to make up for it. Each day the tricks I use to motivate him seem to evolve. It's like he's a super adaptable virus and I can barely keep ahead of him to suppress the outbreaks. The current 'go to' tricks include tons of reverse psychology. "Oh, you don't want to go to bed. That's ok. You stay downstairs, I'm going up." He usually comes running. This technique often involves conversations with Muttola, "Mmmm...this snack of banana and peanut butter is SO good. Too bad Brex didn't want any." At that point I'm usually interrupted by a little voice next to me proclaiming, "Chair!" (he wants up into his chair so he can partake)

For transitions we say 'bye bye'. As in, trying to get him to leave the water table at the Science Museum, "OK, buddy, it's time to say bye bye to the water. Bye Bye boats. Bye Bye cup." He cries in protest and then tearfully begins to join in the Bye Byes as we make our exit.

To get him to let me change his pajamas into his day clothes, we say 'bye bye' to whatever is on the pj's and hello to whatever is on the clothes. "Ready to say hello doggy and bye bye dinosaur?"

Jrex has also been really busy trying to get another round of grants submitted. Each time he gets subsumed by work, Brex begins to prefer me to an extreme measure and even seem to get nervous around his Dad. All it takes are a couple play sessions and Brex is fine, but it makes it that much harder to leave. On the other hand, I'm sure it's nice for Jrex to get some time to figure things out on his own.

I've prepped Brex that I'm leaving. I made a paper chain with five rings so he can tear one off each day. I "charged up" his stuffed rhino with hugs so he can hug it any time he misses me.

In the end, it'll be a nice break to recharge a bit, but the last couple days will be tough. Flying home Friday night helps. It makes if feel less like I'm missing out.

I've only scheduled one social visit while I'm there. I anticipate a heavy work load this week and suspect I'll need the down time. I'm hoping I can get away from work early enough to catch a couple movies. I'd like to see Before Midnight, Much Ado About Nothing and possibly, This is the End. Anyone have opinions on any of those (or other suggestions?)

I'll keep you posted!

The Manifesto

I just saw a job posting for something local that is written for me. Problem? I have no website, no online portfolio, and no resume. I did buy the domain for  [My].[Name].com last year, so I have that in my favor. I'm trying to whip all this together so I can apply for it. I love my job (believe it or not), but local might be a nice change.

Either way, I should have a website up. To that end, I sat down to write out my design manifesto. What do you think:

I believe...

we are all creative
strong leadership doesn't have to be abrasive
your input is valid
working fast ≠ working sloppy
the person matters more than the task
in sophisticated boldness
in simple elegance
in tickling children and wrestling dogs
organization is beautiful
family dinners matter
it's more important to be resilient than safe
Design Divas waste all of our time
everyone has a story
strong opinions streamline the process
I'm an awesome Mom and a so-so wife
in mystery, silence and beauty
in laughter, tears and good wine
in the power of white space
mood boards matter
listening first never hurt anyone


Anything I should add? Delete? Rephrase? (see point #1)

Kindness when I needed it

Sunday morning. Sitting in the creaky wooden pew with Brex on my lap. He's playing peek-a-boo with a boy in the next pew. They're giggling as the music covers any sounds they make. I'm trying to enter into the music, the sense of God's presence, but I'm having a hard time.

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing more stomach churning anxiety than I have my whole life. There have been times in the past when I feel things that are happening to someone else and it's a clue for me to pray. Once I kept thinking about driving my car off the road on purpose. It happened over and over and was definitely not 'me'. When I prayed, I kept thinking of one friend in particular. I asked if she were feeling suicidal. She was. The only thing that's changed in my life of late is my new Creat1ve Director. So, I've been praying for him. While I'm at it, I've prayed for my husband. Now, that all makes me sound 1) psyco/psychic or 2) holy. Neither is true! Mostly I pray just enough to get my stomach to calm down.

As I tried to pray during the worship time at church, I just felt so bad that my real motivator in life is my own comfort. I'll do just enough to get comfy again. I'm not really pursuing God, not really doing much to strengthen my marriage. Yes, working hard as a Mom, and as a designer, but letting most of the rest fall by the wayside. I paused and prayed, "What do You have to say?"

In the pause after I asked, this popped into my head, "O little fretful one, you're judging yourself much more harshly than I am. Just look to me and the selfishness will fall away." That sounds so small when I write it down, but there was a sense of being smiled at and enjoyed behind the words.

There's a verse that says, "It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance." I cried in gratitude as the songs continued. He sees me and he loves me anyway.

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This is off topic, but Brex is at the point where anything works as a "hat". He wanted this on his head and was quite proud of it for the two minutes he wore it.  His stroller is also "chair!" and he loves to just sit in it and watch us cooking in the kitchen. A prince indeed.

Checking In

When I get overwhelmed at work I lose my capacity to handle other people. Until yesterday I was juggling frantically and not wanting to call anyone, read blogs, write a blog entry or check Facebook. My social needs are based on boredom? Or more aptly, capacity I suppose.

Yesterday I woke up at 6 AM with my stomach churning and my to-do list prodding me out of bed. I did the math and realized I didn't have enough hours in my week to finish everything in front of me. I sent an email to our GenMgr and my new ExecCreativDirector. Without whining, I outlined the new jobs that had hit my inbox since Friday and estimated design hours against those jobs.

On top of that, I was spearheading an RFP response. That particular RFP was shaping up to be a trainwreck unless I intervened like Super Woman holding up the track so the RFP could be safely delivered. We had a bunch of Chiefs who weren't actually doing any thing. It felt like everyone on the team was letting me handle it. Our ECD was justifiably overwhelmed. They've been flying him around the country to let him meet the other offices. As a result, he kept not being in Creative Bra1nstorms that he was supposed to lead! Then I'd have to lead it, while not knowing what He would have done. Then talk to him on the phone to give him a recap. Total chaos, though not his fault. 

To his credit, after the Hail Mary email, he pulled in resources and now I find myself not doing much! We brought in an amazing freelancer to cover the RFP so I'm out of that. Phew! I'm waiting for access to client files on one job and waiting for approvals on another.

In good news, we've been selected as The Agency by the last three RFPs that I helped generate. I guess now we need to find people to interview and hire!

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In Brex news, each day he surprises me by something new that he's absorbed. His word for any letter is "E"? Since there's usually an E, it makes him sound brilliant when he points to something and says, "E!"

He loves to point, well, poke, body parts while naming them. It's cute when it's "Mou", "Chee" and "Haih", but not so good when he wants to move my glasses to poke, "Eye".

I've learned that I can't assume he's wrong when he's saying a word. Yesterday as he sat in his car seat looking at his favorite book:

I kept hearing him say, "Cheep"...."Cheep". I was going to say, "There's no chicken!", but turned to check (at a stop light), and saw he was looking at a Jeep. So, instead, "That's right, buddy! A Jeep."

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Overall, life is good. Busy, happy, content, overwhelming and tiring all at once.