June 17, 2013

Kindness when I needed it

Sunday morning. Sitting in the creaky wooden pew with Brex on my lap. He's playing peek-a-boo with a boy in the next pew. They're giggling as the music covers any sounds they make. I'm trying to enter into the music, the sense of God's presence, but I'm having a hard time.

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing more stomach churning anxiety than I have my whole life. There have been times in the past when I feel things that are happening to someone else and it's a clue for me to pray. Once I kept thinking about driving my car off the road on purpose. It happened over and over and was definitely not 'me'. When I prayed, I kept thinking of one friend in particular. I asked if she were feeling suicidal. She was. The only thing that's changed in my life of late is my new Creat1ve Director. So, I've been praying for him. While I'm at it, I've prayed for my husband. Now, that all makes me sound 1) psyco/psychic or 2) holy. Neither is true! Mostly I pray just enough to get my stomach to calm down.

As I tried to pray during the worship time at church, I just felt so bad that my real motivator in life is my own comfort. I'll do just enough to get comfy again. I'm not really pursuing God, not really doing much to strengthen my marriage. Yes, working hard as a Mom, and as a designer, but letting most of the rest fall by the wayside. I paused and prayed, "What do You have to say?"

In the pause after I asked, this popped into my head, "O little fretful one, you're judging yourself much more harshly than I am. Just look to me and the selfishness will fall away." That sounds so small when I write it down, but there was a sense of being smiled at and enjoyed behind the words.

There's a verse that says, "It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance." I cried in gratitude as the songs continued. He sees me and he loves me anyway.


This is off topic, but Brex is at the point where anything works as a "hat". He wanted this on his head and was quite proud of it for the two minutes he wore it.  His stroller is also "chair!" and he loves to just sit in it and watch us cooking in the kitchen. A prince indeed.


Rachel said...

A demanding job + parenting a toddler = a lot of stress. I think it's normal for other things to fall by the wayside. I hope you are feeling better. Sending good thoughts/ prayers your way.

scarp said...

I have yet to figure out how working moms do it all since I can't figure out how to keep up while staying home! So feeling like your on top of anything sounds good to me. That said, I don't know how many times I've heard that the marriage relationship should always come before the kids. Not saying I always have things in that order, just encouraging you to check your priorities... It'll probably help everything fall into place if first things come first.

I always love when you share glimpses of your relationship with God. I can always relate on some level, and you just express it all so well. Thanks for your vulnerabillity.