Happy Birthday to Me!

Last year, my friend Lovey and I started an adventure birthday tradition. In terms of love languages, we both value quality activities. Both of our spouses enjoy quality time, but for Jrex, that can look like making a nice dinner and talking at home. For Lovey and me, it involves leaving the house.

Last year she arranged a day that included a horseback ride (the first one ever for Jrex and Lovey’s husband Dovey), lunch in Saratoga and a cruise around Monterey Bay. Then for her birthday, I packed a gourmet picnic (three cheeses, heirloom tomatoes, crackers, pancetta, wine). We drove up to San Francisco, rented bikes and rode over to the beach near the Presidio. With the setting sun lighting up the Golden Gate bridge, we feasted, laughed and then booked it back to the bike rental shop before nightfall.

This year, I took it to a whole different level. As I mentioned before, after our Yosemite trip, I realized I miss climbing. I’ve been scrounging up partners from Craigs List and from church, but I really wanted the option of my husband as a climbing companion. He doesn’t like climbing in the gym and we’ve speculated it might be better for him outside. For my birthday, I told him I wanted to climb with him. We considered which of our friends might join us and I thought we might be able to persuade Lovey and Dovey (they made up the names themselves!).

I asked if she thought they’d be up for it. She gave me a maybe, so I researched hiring a guide; it turned out to be expensive. I emailed and told her the price and said we could go kayaking in the Bay instead, if that sounded better. After careful consideration and conversations about Dovey’s fear of death by climbing, they said yes.

We went out this morning.

Our guide seemed very stern and impatient at the beginning. As we picked out shoes, he kept glancing at his watch. Once up at Cathedral Rock, he took us through belay basics and safety checks to make sure we were all up to speed. He’d hung up one rope and said he’d do another, depending how we did on the first one.


As we started climbing, cheering and harassing each other, the guide warmed up and began to laugh with us. Turns out he has a masters in counseling and was a dean at a local community college, but took a year off to go for it as a climber and now as a guide.

Without going into great detail, let’s just say that the day involved the following quotes:

“Hmm…my pants just split! Well, I’m wearing black underwear, enjoy.”
(Lovey let me borrow her spare pants)

“Nice butt mantle!”
(Dovey established a new signature move)

“Um…there are a lot of spidery things here! I don’t think I like going first . . . Hey, there’s a rock over my head, what do I do now?”
(Lovey managed to scramble up the chimney like a pro)

“Where’s the triumph?!”
“I have to compose myself first.”
[three second pause. Arm fling. Click!]
(Lovey and Dovey showed us a whole different level of adventure photography)

“I like outdoor climbing ten times better than the gym. It’s great to have more than one way to get to the top.”
(OTRgirl gains a potential climbing husband!)

“We’re going to lunch at a biker bar? I was not properly informed of the details of this trip!” (we all enjoyed Alice’s restaurant, where, in addition to many bikers, there were also horseback riders and a Tesla driver)



All in all, especially if Jrex and I start going outside, one of my best birthdays yet! (And I still have a week to go before my real birthday. I love spreading out the fun!)

Yawn!

My Dad will fall out of his chair when he reads this, but I watched the All Star game last night. Jrex is a big Yankee fan and it was the last All Star game for the old Yankee stadium. He got home early to watch the game and then planned to do some work from home. I played 'good wife' and made nachos for dinner (piled with avacado, peppers, chili, jalepenos, onions, chili and cheese).

The truth is, I sat there and read James Herriot's, Dog Stories, but I did look up whenever Jrex gasped or yelled. It's a good thing there are replays!

He fell asleep in the middle of the 13th inning (at 10:30 PM our time). Then I felt obligated to watch so I could shake him awake for anything exciting. I woke him up for bases loaded, bottom of the 15th, one out. He caught the excitement of the final run. I enjoyed the crowd shots showing kids sitting loyally next to their parents as their eyes drooped and their heads bobbed lower and lower toward sleep. The game ended at 11 pm our time, which means it was 2 am in NYC. Crazy!

One definite perk of being on the West Coast: not having to stay up through the night during baseball season.

Napa, Part I

OK, so the short, non-photographic version is that Napa was lovely. Not our scene, but lovely. On one level, it was just great to have a weekend together. Mr. Scientist Man doesn't get to take two days off in a row very often. I think I'll just book us in fancy hotels every four months or so just to make him take a break.

I've mentioned before that we both enjoy getting maximum bang for the buck. Napa isn't. Jrex's sister bought us two nights in a hotel room for his birthday present (last Friday, he turned 40!!). It turned out to be $198/night for a basic room with one smallish bed, a kitchenette and a small shower. The hotel had mineral pools and spa services (for more money), but was relatively middle-class and not that elegant. For $89 a night, I would have felt like we were in the ballpark, but not for $200! Of course, "free" was great bang for the buck...

The hotel was in Calistoga which is at the very northern end of Napa Valley. I'll post pics and reviews of vineyards and restaurants tomorrow. Jrex did great research and found family-run vineyards that produced leaner style wines. Many Napa wines have a big, bold fruity taste, but they're one-note strong. We tend to like wines that linger and shift as you drink them. Interesting + unusual=fun.

The good news is that at 40, Jrex isn't planning to leave me for a young, hot nurse or blow our nest egg on a sports car. He says he's been having his "what should I do with my life?" crisis for the last 15 years and doesn't need to have one now. He is ready to wrap up training and start whatever is next (not that it means 'wrap up' will happen for a year and a half or so...but that's 'soon' on a Jrex scale...). The other good news is that we still really enjoy being together.

I feel privileged to have this man as a life companion. I love his wit, his endurance and his desire for off-the-beaten-path adventures.

Happy Birthday, love!

Emerging

I had a great weekend.

I did stay home on Friday. Jrex ended up trapped in lab until 11 pm or so, which was perfect for my need to have a day of nothingness. I stayed in bed reading most of the morning then migrated a great distance and lay around on the couch for a while. 

After so many changes of scenery, I was ready for errands on Saturday. Then, after dinner, we went to see Ironman. We are acknowledged geeks (sci-fi, fantasy, comics--all good), and we loved it. By Sunday, I was emerging from the cocoon and ready for outside people.

Church in the morning was really good. For the first time, Mother's Day wasn't painful at all. Not only is that because I'm at peace with my lack of a live Mom or of being a Mom, but it was cause of how Highway handled it. Rather than passing out flowers, they announced that the money they would have spent on flowers for all the moms in church was being donated to New Creation Home. It's a residential home for teen Moms where they are taught financial planning, job skills, anger management, parenting, etc. I loved that they were honoring Moms, but doing it in a practical, non-exclusionary way.

After church, Smart Girl picked me up and we took a picnic to the beach. Thirty minutes up and over the mountains, ten minutes in traffic, and we were at a free beach near Half-Moon Bay. Apparently it's a beach that is used for horse tours. Watch your step and pretend you like the smell! After lunch, we tried in vain to launch a kite. The photo of Smart Girl shows the highest we ever got the kite. As we walked down the beach trying to coax it aloft, I felt like I was walking a little neon dog. Jump! Jump! Alas, no go.

Saturday night, Jrex and I had a conversation about the island of plastic floating in the Pacific. When Smart Girl proposed a picnic at the beach, I knew I'd end up having to clean up plastic. Sure enough, someone had partied two-hundred feet behind where we sat. They'd even been thoughtful enough to leave the industrial strength garbage bag in which they'd toted drinks. Smart Girl was a little bewildered at my need to clean the beach, "Aren't there people who are paid to do that?" I shrugged, "Probably, but I see it and I need to respond."

Saturday evening was Supper Club. The interactions at Supper Club have gone up a notch. Not because of anything the women have changed, but our husbands are in a book club together. Let's just say, they call it a book club. They even read books to prep for it. However, those books are just a jumping off point for talking and sampling food and brew. Depending which of them you ask, I've also heard it called Drink Club or the Man Club. Last night, Hedonistic Outdoorsman mentioned how much he wants to grow rhodedendrons, Civil Engineer snorted, "I think you might be out of the man club now..." I laughed, "But, you can get back in if you go boar hunting!" The other wives exclaimed, "What?!" Inside my head, I winced, oops, maybe only the boys were supposed to know about that. Jrex tells me about the club discussions, but I don't think the other husbands discuss it much with their wives. . . Turns out Civil Engineer sent out an email asking the Man Club if anyone had an interest in boar hunting. Jrex doesn't, but was amused by the entire concept.

Later in the conversation, Only Child mentioned how happy she was that her husband, Hedonistic Outdoorsman, was learning sound board. She does some singer/songwriter stuff and has always been attracted to drummers or sound men. I nodded and mentioned, "I've always had a thing for bass players. Jazz, rock, folk, I like the bass." Only Child wrinkled her nose in confusion, "But the bass players are usually the geeks in the band." Jrex and I had just had a conversation the night before about how geeks are the overlooked dating treasure: under-appreciated and full of love to give. I smiled at Only Child and silently swung my hand in Jrex's direction--case in point. Everyone else at the table burst into laughter. Only Child looked confused, "Does Jrex play the bass?" I laughed and said, "No, but clearly, I like geeks!"

I think we may have made a strategic error...

The tall blond guy next to me grins as he asks, "So, how did you get roped into this?"

We're standing in the bright California sun, our hair blown by a nippy breeze. I hold a bag with four items and we both watch Jrex as he extracts two boxes from the trunk of our car. I quip something back to the blond guy and we're laughing as Jrex approaches with a huge grin on his face. Jrex shakes his head at us, "I don't know if I like that laughter!" Blond Guy and I laugh even harder as we cross the alley to a cinderblock building, painted brown, no windows.

Inside the air is cool and dark. Jrex asks the guy, "So, is that it then or do I need to come back your way?"

The guy smiles and points to the big sign that reads, "Don't forget your license". Jrex grins and nods, "Yeah, that might be a good thing to have."

Blond Guy leaves and Jrex walks down a narrow aisle. Wooden doors stamped with numbers tower over our heads. In the other direction is a pushable ladder-platform. Jrex sweeps open a wooden door with a smile, "Here we go!" He inters his boxes carefully and adds my four items. We collect his license and as we're driving away, I smile at him, "We were laughing because Blond Guy asked me how I got roped into this, I told him, 'well, my husband is pretty excited about his wine locker, so I thought I should be here to appreciate it'. I don't think he's heard anyone use that phrase before!" Jrex laughed, too, "Probably not. Still it's definitely a lot cheaper than buying a wine refrigerator that we don't have room for anyway."

The chemist has been let loose! The explorer for hidden treasure has found untold gems in the Santa Cruz mountains south of us. Napa...Sonoma? Nah. We'd rather discover little family-run vineyards that are still experimenting. And now we have somewhere to store the treasure.

I don't know if moving to Northern California was a good idea...

Sign o' the times

On Wednesday night, Jrex called me. I was home, but working.

"How are you holding up?" he asked in a concerned tone.

"I'm good! I just needed some food, but I've got my second breath."

Pause. Me, racking my brain cause I know that's not right, but cannot find the right word anywhere in the dense fog inside my head.

"You know what I mean, the thing. What's that thing called?"

Jrex, laughing, "Do you mean 'second wind'? Cause I don't think you have it!"

------

We just uploaded the last of the show banners. I've got more to do next week, but the deadlines all feel manageable now.

Phew!

This weekend, second breath for sure!

Finally!

Both last weekend and this one I was rested and refreshed by the time Monday rolled around. Each time I vowed to have a good attitude in the midst of the hellaciousness at work. Last week it all lasted until 2 am Monday night when I finished my first day. This week it might actually last through most of the week.

We brought up a guy from our LA office to be my dedicated production artist. It's been awkward using my fellow designers as production people; they are used to owning projects and being creative. So they redesign stuff and it takes two or three rounds to just do it like I told them. This guy specifically said today, "I just want to be your wrist. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." Phew!! He looks like a deer in the headlights if I say, "Lay out the logos in alphabetical order" but if I say, "here are these mockups at 10 percent, make them work for printing and upload them to Detroit", he looks happy.

This morning, I actually sent an apology letter to my client, "Dear ____, I owe you an apology. I ended up working over 70 hours last week and by Tuesday/Wednesday, I was overtired and therefore oversensitive and reactive. I'm sorry if you experienced any of the fallout from that." Was I really sorry? No. However, she's a game-player and since I called her on her bullshit, she became very unresponsive to my questions or files that needed approval. Since the apology? She's giving me what I need. Stupid head games!

Wait, positive attitude...My client loves me and I love her. We're coming toward the finish line and it will ALL work out. Of course it will be SO ugly, but hey, what's the loss of three weeks of my marriage in comparison with producing a show we can all be ashamed of? Don't worry, I'll post some pictures when it's up so you can appreciate the wonderfulness of it all.

--------
I called Mom K on Sunday afternoon. She was SO happy to hear from me. Through the language barrier, I gave her a very simplified version of the last few weeks. I told her that all of a sudden, I understand why Jrex used to act the way he would on his days off. As a resident, his weeks were capped at 80 hours of work, and that was considered humane! On his days off, I was ready for us to go out and have adventures, and he just wanted to lie around the house and watch TV. It drove me crazy. Well, these last few weeks I just want to lie around and read a book.

She laughed at me, "Maybe God knew you just need to understand Jrex more?! I understand. In Korea, used to be the husband worked six days a week. All week the wife think on the weekend she go out and not have to cook. Have fun. The husband think all week about being home and having good, home-cook food. Now you same!"

So, there you have it, I'm going through all this so I understand my husband better!

I think I need the next month off...

It was SO good to get away and see my family. I got back to work by 12:30 today and the insanity started right away. I'm already exhausted again. And frustrated. And mildly depressed.

Remember how one of the other designers in the department was doing a parallel show? How I was nervous about that dynamic? Well, no longer! They're pulling her off of it and hiring the woman I replaced to pick up the slack. Yeah, Design Guru used to work for my company and left to do freelance work. She is now going to work full-time on this silly one-day conference. However, she can't start for a few days. So, in the lull before the rest of the hurricane that is the show I'm working on, I have to fix everything that our other designer did wrong (in the eyes of this persnickity client).

Does that sound convoluted? It's still not as twisted as all this feels in real life. I feel like I'm trapped in version of Survivor or Big Brother. Like I'm in all these weird alliances where I can't tell the others what's really going on. Everyone tells me their confidential stuff and I dump it all on Jrex, but have to play weird games at work. It's SO lame.

I still liked Jrex's response to my client's insanity: "Hmmm...might I suggest a nice pair of shoes? Something in fresh cement? I hear the view at the bottom of the Bay is really nice this time of year..."

Some good news for poor Jrex

He gave lab meeting today. Based on the preliminary results of this experiment, it looks like he might have something worth publishing. Finally!! The light at the end of the tunnel isn't big enough to run through yet, but at least it's visible.

Of course, Jrex has had a virus for the past week. Miserable. I chatted with my MIL on Saturday. Anything I tell her she prays about. I told her that Jrex was sick and was worried about his mice. Since he was running an experiment on mice genetically modified to not have immune systems, he was worried they might catch his virus. (I think I mentioned this recently...) Anyway, she started laughing really hard. Through her giggles she said, "I have never prayed for mice before! I pray for mice now?" More laughter. I told that story to Aunt Bird on Sunday. She laughed as well, "Hmm..." she said, "Since mice are some of my least favorite critters, I'll just pray for his experiments to go well."

Looks like the prayers have worked. Thanks!

Giant Sequoias: More than you ever wanted to know*

On the first day in the Sierras, we drove down to the "Grove of the Giants" in Sequoia National Forest; we collected tidbits we've been inflicting on people since our return:

Sequoias have chemicals in their bark that have made them immune to dying of old age. They aren't succeptible to fungus or bacteria. The only thing that really kills them is fire, or being blown over (usually due to fire damage). Even then, the wood doesn't rot.
Their pine cone seeds are only released through heat; sequoia stumps show fire scars every 13 years or so for the past 2,500 years.
We'd read in the book that we were going to see the largest tree by volume in the world. Honestly, from a distance, it's underwhelming. Redwoods grow tall, Sequoias grow stumpy. At some point, it looks like someone hacked off the top of the tree. They look like a big club with random green stuff clumped at the top. But when you get close, they are definitely huge!
This tree was used as a cabin and saloon in the 1800's.

I took a wonderful shot of Jrex facing the camera while looking up at this 'skylight'. In yet another example of why I love him, he then said, "Do you want me to turn around so you can put this on the blog?"
Aside from signs that said, "Take photo of General Grant Tree here", the other thing that annoyed me was that almost every tree had a masculine name. "The Chief", "The President", "General Lee". Two groves were called "The Senate" and "The House". When I look up at a big, old tree, brooding over the forest and sacrificing itself for the sake of it's seeds, it seems matriarchal. Ah well, I guess that's what we get when a bunch of crazy bachelors are the ones who arrive somewhere first and throw labels on grandeur.

*In true geek fashion, I love random factoids.

Tidbits

On Thursday, SmartGirl picked me up at 1:30 and we drove off for the weekend. On our way to a four-day retreat in beautiful "Cow-Town" California (aka Vacaville), we stopped off at the Jelly Belly factory for a tour.
As we put on our paper hats and joined a shuffling line gazing at video screens and looking down at acres of jelly beans, I did wonder if we were going to be trapped in a Willy Wonka movie. My big regret is not buying the pepper or sausage jelly beans that I tried. They actually tasted 'right' while still being jelly beans! They've produced a Harry Potter series of jelly beans, including dirt and bugar flavors. I did NOT try those.

Sunday we wandered home with stops at the Outlet Mall and Walnut Creek, CA. The retreat was good, but I don't have a lot of words for it. As with the silent retreat, there are things I need to mull over a bit. My biggest take-away is that I'm on the right track, which is always comforting.

I arrived home at 4:15 pm to find Jrex toiling in the kitchen. We've joined a new Supper Club with three other couples. At 6:30 we were due at their house for an Italian food dinner. Jrex assembled an anti-pasti plate as well as ricotta eggplant rolls covered in homemade red sauce for our appetizer course. He bought some pre-dinner Italian wine (Prosecco? No idea). When we arrived with the food, people kept looking at me as they asked what things were. I shrugged and pointed to Jrex, "Ask the chef. I have no idea!"

Next month we've decided to do a 'favorite Christmas dish' theme. It's not my family's recipe, but I've got a great garlic mashed potato recipe and I'll do hot mulled cider and apple crisp in honor of Mom (Dad's only 'real' recipe is corned beef and hash--I'm not a fan).

Candlelight seems to foster these kinds of conversations

I am constantly amazed at the impact seemingly small choices can have in shifting relational direction.

Two nights ago, Jrex and I chatted over yet another amazing dinner he’d crafted. As I shared some of what I’d done during the day, I was surprised to find myself feeling emotional. I often try to figure out those feelings out loud, but unfortunately, say it too strongly or from a sideways angle. “Unfortunate” because so much of my life is filled by and surrounded by Jrex’s impact and presence. Not unfortunate to have him, but unfortunate since while I’m feeling sad and trying to figure out why, it can easily seem like he’s the problem, when really, I’m just trying to dig down into the surprise emotional rush and figure out what’s really going on. At times, he feels attacked and gets defensive. Soon we’re trying to figure out where the landmine was and figure out how to piece us back together, my initial emotion tucked away.

I’ve tried to tell him that I need him to ask questions in those moments. No problem, right? In the midst of a fight or flight moment, choose research! Not surprisingly, it’s been difficult for us to figure out how to navigate our way through such moments.

As I got weepy, I hesitated, unsure if it would be safe to continue. He gently asked, “Is there anything I could be doing differently to help in those situations?” It turned out the issue wasn’t at all about him, or at least only tangentially. He kept asking questions. Kept listening.

When we married, for my part, it was because we were truly best friends. In life’s busy-ness and pain it’s been easy to turn to other relationships to try to process my emotions. As I told him after his gentle listening, I’ve missed him as a friend and was really grateful that he asked questions instead of getting upset.

He smiled quietly, “It was a choice.” Which made it an even more profound gift.

Was it hard to marry cross-culturally?

Yes. Though my Dad has always pointed out that every marriage is cross-cultural.

It wasn't as hard for me as for my husband. My parents didn't care about race. His parents wanted their son to marry a Korean. Every time he went home to visit they set him up on a blind date, "You'll like her, she's studying medicine at Yale." They hadn't met me at that point so I didn't take it personally.

I dragged him home within four months of us starting to date. My parents were two of my best friends, so if they didn't like him, I knew it wasn't going to work. Of course they loved him (everyone who gets to know him loves him). During that visit my 92 year old grandfather was also visiting. I completely horrified Jrex as I verbally sparred with Grandpa. In Korean culture you treat the elderly with complete deference and here I was treating him as a peer. Of course, Grandpa loved it. I had that kind of relationship with both my grandfather, my Dad and now with my husband. Ironically, how I treated Jrex totally threatened my Dad at first. See, Dad married an amazing woman who did NOT understand sarcasm. At. all. So, despite the fact that I quipped right back at Dad, he couldn't handle me quipping at my husband. A wife doesn't DO that! He's since adjusted.

One of the many tragic aspects of my mom dying 6 months into our wedding was that she LOVED Jrex. She was his biggest fan. She never let me complain about him. Sure she could whine about my Dad to me, but if I even tried to do the same she'd jump all over me in Jrex's defense. The building is burning, who do you save? I think she would have grabbed him first! ;-)

We dated two years before I finally met his parents. His parents came up to Rochester for a weekend. We met them at the hotel. The whole drive there I nervously practiced "On yong ha sey yo" over and over. At dinner his mother gave me some lovely porcelin vases. I gave them nothing. Because. No. One. Told. Me. About. Koreans. and. Gifts. No one apologized profusely as he drove me home. He'd forgotten about gift giving! I learned then that I'd study Korean culture on my own since I couldn't assume I had a cultural guide at my side...

As much as we both communicate well and analyze everything, there were aspects of how he was that I thought were just him. It wasn't until we attended a 2nd generation Korean church in Baltimore that I realized how many things were elements of Korean culture. I receive love most effectively through verbal affirmation (thus the addiction to comments on the blog...). He never thought to compliment me. I found out, that's just Korean. In fact, if he were being culturally correct, he would insult me whenever someone else complimented me. Maybe that's just a parent's job, not a spouse's, but all my Korean friends have examples of how their parents "kept them humble".

For the most part, our core values are very similar. We value family and quality time. We believe in saving money but also buying good tools ("tools" being a tent, or a cool new waterproof messenger bag made of recycled bike tires). As Jrex told his parents before they met me, "You're idealizing a Korean woman and have horrible assumptions about American women. She's more Korean than most of the second generation Korean women I know."

The biggest asset we've had, aside from our friendship and mutual respect, has been two sets of parents who (in the end) were willing to bend toward each other's culture and try to understand and accomodate the other side.

How did you meet your husband?

Part 2 of The Introduction Cards Project

I was a first-year student and he was a senior at a college down the road. My school had no Christian fellowship, so I went to the one at his school. Spring semester I ended up in a Bible study that he led. It was just him, me and a sophomore woman, but it was a great group. I'd grown up in a Christian family so I knew the 'right' answers; Jrex took us to places and concepts in the Bible I'd never wrestled with before. He would say, "Let's talk about what it means to have faith" and then two hours later my brain would feel like it was going to explode.

We were just friends with zero romantic interest in each other until I'd graduated from college. He'd left for University of Rochester after his college graduation and came back east for a retreat. During those few days, one night we chatted from 10 pm to 4 am. At the end of that conversation we both started thinking, "hmmm..." At the time I was getting fairly burned out and cynical (at the OLD, OLD age of 21). Except for one guy (husband of frequent commenter "k"--a guy who truly was my little brother. Love him), most of my guy friends had ended up wanting to date me. After I said 'no', I ended up losing them as friends. I just wanted to take a vow of singleness and get on with my life without all the emotional trauma of dating. After that conversation with Jrex, I thought, "huh. maybe it IS possible to find the package deal." I still wasn't thinking it might be him specifically, but I thought, "I respect him, he's funny, he's smart, he's attractive, we can talk about anything and we share a similar way of thinking about God."

He came back three weeks later for a wedding and I stalked him. Or at least, did subtle manipulative things to be around him. Chatted with him outside the church until it was time to go in, thus ensuring I could sit next to him. Ditto at the reception. At the end of the weekend he asked if we could talk. Inside I gulped, "Uh oh, he's going to tell me to stop following him around!" Instead he wanted to check if I was interested in thinking about a relationship.

We talked and prayed for 6 months before starting to date. He knew that his parents would have a hard time with a non-Korean woman. They did. (more on that Monday).

In that first conversation about possibly dating, Jrex made me the core promise of our relationship, "I have no idea what life has in store for me, or for a woman who is involved with me. The one thing I know for sure is that it will never be boring."

Only in San Francisco

We picked up Gentle Man at 7:40 at his home in Bernal Heights, San Francisco. Bernal Heights is surging toward full gentrification after a seedy past. As we drove through I tried to give Jrex character sketches of my coworkers, “Gentle Man is in his forties, I think. He’s one of the sweetest men I’ve ever met. Not that it matters, but I’m 90 percent sure that Gentle Man is gay. Like you, dear, he’s very soft-spoken, so I’ll sit in the back so you can hear as he navigates you to the restaurant.”

We drove up to the Mission to meet two of our current and two previous co-workers at a Senegalese restaurant. Eeyore had NOT been invited. Gentle Man had suggested that was not the kindest thing to do, but had also quietly confessed he wasn’t sure he was up for an evening with her. Most of us had our significant others along for the fun.

As we shared pitchers of tamarind margarita, mango cocktail, and sampled each others delicious meals, someone mentioned the Folsom Street Festival and asked who was going. Gentle Man laughed and said, “Definitely.” British Designer also nodded and said he and his girlfriend were going. People started talking about what they’d seen at the fest in years past. My third co-worker, Fireball started laughing at the look on Jrex’s face. He told me later that he’d overheard British Designer say, “I have a leather mask, should I wear it to the festival?” and someone answered, “I wouldn’t get dressed up unless you’re willing to be an active participant. People take the fest very seriously.”



After dinner as we drove Gentle Man home, we somehow started chatting about Halloween on Castro Street and all the drag queens that come out to party. I laughed as I said, “One of my friends in college was horrible. When he dressed in drag he was more gorgeous than any of the women. Well, he was gorgeous either way.”

Gentle Man smiled and softly said, “Well, most of the people in the office know about this anyway, but I do that occasionally. Mostly for Halloween on Castro Street.”

I asked, “Does it feel mostly like dress up, or does she become an alter ego?”

He nodded and said emphatically, “Definitely an alter ego. We rent a hotel room right by Castro so we can just have fun and not worry about driving home or anything. But last year there was a shooting there. It’s just not safe anymore. Too many people just watching and not enough people there to participate. The street doesn’t even want to have it anymore and the city is actively discouraging the event. It’s very sad.”

After we dropped him off, I looked at Jrex, “OK, so make that 100 percent.” He grinned and nodded.

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The next day I reflected on the fact that only in San Francisco would a dinner with co-workers have involved a discussion of teaching in bi-lingual schools, a recent honeymoon to Vietnam, drag queens and S&M.

Then I thought about the fact that when he was in Israel, Jesus horrified the establishment by the people he chose to be around. He was often accused of partying with sinners. I was struck by the notion that if he were here physically, he’d be hanging out with the drag queens and loving them. It made me glad to know him.

When Geeks Mate

We had newlywed dinner guests a couple weeks ago. The husband is a Silicon Valley guy--he bikes to work, loves to read and is up on all the latest tech devices. The wife is from Orange County (a very wealthy subculture of LA). She's from three generations of fashion design and wealth. As they sat in our living room the husband exclaimed, "See, honey! A wall of books. That's what I would like to have." She looked at our bookshelves where we have every square inch filled with books. "Hmm...I could see that looking ok. If you had three books vertically and then three horizontally with a little pot or something on top of the horizontal books."

I looked at her in horror, "Jrex would KILL me if I tried to do that with the books." (I was minimizing the fact that I would hate it as well--poor Jrex, scapegoated again! He couldn't even defend himself since he was cooking at the time.)

"Why?" she asked in bewilderment. Her husband was staring at her in consternation at her confusion.

"Well, our books are meant to be read not just to be looked at and any pots would get in the way of functionality." Her husband nodded vigorously.

------

Last night we ate a dinner of crackers and sliced cheese as we read in bed. I kept thinking of this other couple, where books and reading were not viewed as sacred by the wife. I felt so happy that we could just spend an evening reading together in mutual contentment. I guess it turns out that in our core values our marriage isn't so cross-cultural after all.

Remembering the Dead

On Saturday the 18th, Snickollet had the memorial for her husband John (aka “Goose Husband”). She invited people who wanted to be virtually present to light a candle at 6:30 EST. At 3:15 my time, I started assembling objects. I knew I wanted to light a candle for John and one for my Mom. We never lit one in Seattle for the 10th anniversary of her death. It seemed right to remember Mom and pray for Snick and her family all at the same time.

As usual, the assemblage took on a life of it’s own. I wasn’t sure why I was placing things until I’d finished and realized the symbolism:

• Two incomplete circles of stones. Two life-lines cut short by cancer.


• Two candles. Two lights that burned in the darkness and warmed those around them.
• My Mom’s circle had more stones, closer to a life ‘full of years’. John’s was tragically short.
• At the beginning of Mom’s circle, seashells. For her these symbolized baptism, new beginnings, fresh life. She often used shells when she spoke on starting life with God. She would pass them out to participants as a meditation aid and a tangible reminder of a retreat.
• At the beginning of John’s circle, a black egg. For beginnings and for a Goose.


• In my Mom’s circle, a march of quirky figurines. The nail figures were sculptures that graced our library shelves growing up (I ‘appropriated’ them when I left for college). Mom loved little sculptures and she loved to worship YHWH.
• I didn’t really know John, so I didn’t want to presume about his life. I did put a little metal stone with “Believe” near the end of his circle.

• At the end of Mom’s life, a metal stone that reads “Sabbath”. She was trying to learn about rest and about simplicity in her last couple years of life.


• For both of them, the upward twist of driftwood: beauty emerging from the scouring and buffeting of life.

After I’d finished setting up, I heard the door open behind me. I thought it was the dog and turned to shoo her out of the room. It was Jrex. He’d come to join me. Instantly I wanted to sob. He was here and her husband isn’t. He’d known this was important to me and came to just be with me. Jrex knows the power of presence. No words, just standing there meant a lot to me. I also realized I wanted to be alone with my little ceremony. It felt very private (even though I took pictures to share with the ‘net…don’t ask for logic). I lit the candles and we were quiet together for a bit. Then, quietly he walked out of the room and shut the door gently behind him.

I watched the two flames for a long time.

The Good, the Bad and The Sleepy

Bottom line: Jrex has horrible timing. Three months ago he bought my birthday present. It arrived on Saturday. Unfortunately, on Sunday we had to travel up to Sonoma to visit some vineyards. I endured the suffering as we met one of my best friends and her new husband, sampled wines, laughed and talked all day. Finally that night, I was able to crack open the gift. Of course, the next day I had to start a new job. Tired.

The stupid gift took me until Thursday night to finish. I kept staying awake trying to just ‘get ‘er done’ and couldn’t do it. This would have been fine if I had a brain dead job. Monday through Wednesday I was supposed to just be doing training to get started at work. However the design department has been understaffed since February. Any time I wasn’t in training, they had me starting projects. I’ll be handling all the events and tradeshows for S*n M1crosyst3ms. They have three coming up in September so I was thrown off the deep end figuring out their brand and modifying designs. Of course, I couldn’t complain about my exhaustion because the phrase, “I stayed up late reading the last Harry Potter book” certainly wasn’t going to enhance my professional image.

Seven reasons it’s worth $666 for Jrex to come to the funeral next weekend

1. Since no airline offers bereavement rates anymore, our plane tickets to Kansas cost $666.60 per person! Fortunately, Dad is covering the cost of one of the tickets. I joked with my Dad that the ticket price was a sign we shouldn’t go. He agreed, “It’s clear the devil owns the airlines.”
2. Jrex left Friday for a conference in LA. He won't be back until Wednesday. With the death of Snickollet’s husband, it’s set up a weird ‘what-if’ weekend. I don’t like it.
   
3. Mom has been dead for almost 10 years. I know the boundaries of the hole and have healed around it. I know it’s there, but it no longer impacts me emotionally. Most of the time. Yet, a weekend full of her sisters will be a weekend of a new awareness of the hole. I like not being emotional anymore about not having a Mom. I don’t want to have to feel all this all over again.
   
4. Yesterday my sister commented that she was glad Jrex was coming cause he could deflect or deter some of the ‘When are you having a baby?’ comments. I hadn’t even considered that scenario! Many of my aunts read the blog so they know not to ask, but we’re going to be among hundreds of relatives who have no idea. With my sister, her daughter and Numero Dos in the oven. It just begs the question, doesn’t it?
5. My cousin D is coming, with his Japanese wife and mixed kids. I’m excited to have a cousin who also married Asian. I’m also glad for her sake, and their kids, that in the middle of Kansas, there will be at least one more Asian face.
   
6. He’ll get to add Kansas and Missouri to the states he’s visited. I’ve been to 38 states now, he needs to catch up! Plus he'll get to see that Kansas really isn't flat. It does have rolling hills...
   
7. I like him.

Going gently into that good night.

Only a few days left. I remember those last few days.

We brought her home for the end. After days of visitors, worship, joy, laughter, tears, poems and goodbyes, Mom faded into a husk, unmoving on the bed except for sudden, startling breaths. Each one a shock. Each pause after a breath, a waiting. Was that it? The last one? I couldn't breathe until I heard her shuddering intake.

My husband arrived after she'd lost consciousness. One of the kindest things he's ever done for me or for my family was sitting that final vigil. Those last couple days it was too hard to be in the same room with Mom. He remained. Often alone in the room, with her. Waiting. Patient. Quiet. Unafraid.

After two long days of this, my Mom's mom came with a few of the sisters. Saturday, September 27, 2007. When her mom came in the room and spoke, my Mom stirred on the bed for the first time in days. It was just a stirring. Her eyes never opened, she didn't speak. But her mother's voice reached her on that final journey.

Eventually we all gathered downstairs while Jrex and Aunt Bird sat vigil in my parents' room. They chatted quietly about all sorts of things. Aunt Bird was talking while Jrex counted. After three-minutes had passed he quietly interrupted to say, "She's gone."