Letting Brex set the pace

This morning, I took Brex to the zoo so that Appa could write in peace.

Jrex is working on a review paper. He's a week behind schedule with future deadlines for talks and papers looming ahead of him. I don't know how to help him choose to set aside time to relax. The only helpful thing I know to do is make room for him to get his work done and not add to his stress. The downside is that Brex doesn't expect Appa to be a part of his usual weekend experience. "Appa at work" is one of his most common phrases. As Brex would put it, "So sad... Sad face..."

At the zoo, we didn't have a set agenda, yet it was somehow hard for me to just relax and let Brex do what he wanted to do. For example, we only rode the $2 kiddie train one time. It went around a little asphalt track, there were no animals in sight and it was over in less than 4 minutes. If he'd had his way, we'd have been on it for at least 3 more rounds. I couldn't take the bang for the buck ratio—or lack thereof, so I was mean mommy and made him go look at the reptile house instead.

 

The other factor in feeling rushed was needing to hit the bathroom before and after each stop along the way. Brex is officially potty trained, but it's rare he makes it through the day in the same pants. By now, we've got the routine down in public restrooms: I put the seat up, stand him on the rim of the toilet, pull his pants and underwear down, let him do his thing, pull his clothes back on, put him down, put the seat down, take my turn and we're done. EXCEPT then we have to survive his hand washing drama--let's just say it's full of "Brex do it!" and involves countless variations on faucets, soap dispensers and paper towels contraptions. In other words, in a four hour excursion, probably one hour of that time was spent in a bathroom.

At the end of the trip, when we were finally heading home—only one hour past his usual nap time—he saw an elephant fountain. There were five smallish bronze elephants surrounded by a moat of water. The water surface was lined with floating bubbles and fallen leaves. Brex zoomed over to it with a huge grin. As I was about to hustle him along, I paused. Everyone keeps reminding me how fleeting this time is and to enjoy it.

So, instead of insisting, "Time to go home!", I sat down 10-feet away and just watched. He didn't seem to care where I was. Rather, he lay down on the ground with his arms over the water and popped
bubbles. After two dabs, he sat up, pulled his sleeves up over his elbows and lay back down. Next he started grabbing leaves out of the water and shaking them. Then he stood up and started doing full-body throws to fling the leaves into the water. He'd then kneel down and reach to grab the leaf back and then start the jack-knife throw again. Various groups gathered at the fountain to take family pictures in their journey into or out of the zoo. My son neither noticed nor cared as he stood, flung, knelt, grabbed and stood again in joy.

At one point a slightly older girl in an all-pink outfit sat down on the bench right next to him. He was excited to show off for her. In delight, he placed a BIG wet leaf right on her lap. She flung it off and looked at him in disgust as she moved further down the bench. He was crestfallen and started to look around. That's when he finally looked for me. When he spotted me, he called out, "Mommy, get up! Get up!"

I smiled and joined him at the pond. He wanted my full participation and directed it. He gave me a leaf, told me, "Throw it, Mommy, throw it!" I did. "Get it, Mommy, get it!" I'd interject, "Say please, buddy"

"Mommy, please get it!"

When I tried to sit facing away from the fountain, Mr. Imperious demanded, "Turn around, Mommy!" I had to enjoy it the exact same way he had. We finally wrapped it up with a few rounds of, "Say bye bye to the elephants. Bye bye leaves. Bye bye water."

He was a crabby mess by the time I finally got him down for his nap at 2:30 (2-hours late). Yet later that day, while chatting on speaker phone with Aunt OTRsis, when she asked what he did at the zoo, he answered, "Saw elephants! Throw leaves!"

I need to remember to allow for leaf throwing time. To let our days unfold without imposing an unnecessary agenda. To sink into a moment and let it become a world. To feel the joy that's available anytime I stop long enough to let it in. Why is something so simple so difficult for me to remember?

When is the last time you threw leaves?

May we all find room this week for something small that becomes a door to the infinite. Thanks, Buddy, for the reminder.

Kindness when I needed it

Sunday morning. Sitting in the creaky wooden pew with Brex on my lap. He's playing peek-a-boo with a boy in the next pew. They're giggling as the music covers any sounds they make. I'm trying to enter into the music, the sense of God's presence, but I'm having a hard time.

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing more stomach churning anxiety than I have my whole life. There have been times in the past when I feel things that are happening to someone else and it's a clue for me to pray. Once I kept thinking about driving my car off the road on purpose. It happened over and over and was definitely not 'me'. When I prayed, I kept thinking of one friend in particular. I asked if she were feeling suicidal. She was. The only thing that's changed in my life of late is my new Creat1ve Director. So, I've been praying for him. While I'm at it, I've prayed for my husband. Now, that all makes me sound 1) psyco/psychic or 2) holy. Neither is true! Mostly I pray just enough to get my stomach to calm down.

As I tried to pray during the worship time at church, I just felt so bad that my real motivator in life is my own comfort. I'll do just enough to get comfy again. I'm not really pursuing God, not really doing much to strengthen my marriage. Yes, working hard as a Mom, and as a designer, but letting most of the rest fall by the wayside. I paused and prayed, "What do You have to say?"

In the pause after I asked, this popped into my head, "O little fretful one, you're judging yourself much more harshly than I am. Just look to me and the selfishness will fall away." That sounds so small when I write it down, but there was a sense of being smiled at and enjoyed behind the words.

There's a verse that says, "It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance." I cried in gratitude as the songs continued. He sees me and he loves me anyway.

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This is off topic, but Brex is at the point where anything works as a "hat". He wanted this on his head and was quite proud of it for the two minutes he wore it.  His stroller is also "chair!" and he loves to just sit in it and watch us cooking in the kitchen. A prince indeed.

Checking In

When I get overwhelmed at work I lose my capacity to handle other people. Until yesterday I was juggling frantically and not wanting to call anyone, read blogs, write a blog entry or check Facebook. My social needs are based on boredom? Or more aptly, capacity I suppose.

Yesterday I woke up at 6 AM with my stomach churning and my to-do list prodding me out of bed. I did the math and realized I didn't have enough hours in my week to finish everything in front of me. I sent an email to our GenMgr and my new ExecCreativDirector. Without whining, I outlined the new jobs that had hit my inbox since Friday and estimated design hours against those jobs.

On top of that, I was spearheading an RFP response. That particular RFP was shaping up to be a trainwreck unless I intervened like Super Woman holding up the track so the RFP could be safely delivered. We had a bunch of Chiefs who weren't actually doing any thing. It felt like everyone on the team was letting me handle it. Our ECD was justifiably overwhelmed. They've been flying him around the country to let him meet the other offices. As a result, he kept not being in Creative Bra1nstorms that he was supposed to lead! Then I'd have to lead it, while not knowing what He would have done. Then talk to him on the phone to give him a recap. Total chaos, though not his fault. 

To his credit, after the Hail Mary email, he pulled in resources and now I find myself not doing much! We brought in an amazing freelancer to cover the RFP so I'm out of that. Phew! I'm waiting for access to client files on one job and waiting for approvals on another.

In good news, we've been selected as The Agency by the last three RFPs that I helped generate. I guess now we need to find people to interview and hire!

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In Brex news, each day he surprises me by something new that he's absorbed. His word for any letter is "E"? Since there's usually an E, it makes him sound brilliant when he points to something and says, "E!"

He loves to point, well, poke, body parts while naming them. It's cute when it's "Mou", "Chee" and "Haih", but not so good when he wants to move my glasses to poke, "Eye".

I've learned that I can't assume he's wrong when he's saying a word. Yesterday as he sat in his car seat looking at his favorite book:

I kept hearing him say, "Cheep"...."Cheep". I was going to say, "There's no chicken!", but turned to check (at a stop light), and saw he was looking at a Jeep. So, instead, "That's right, buddy! A Jeep."

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Overall, life is good. Busy, happy, content, overwhelming and tiring all at once.

Water in the desert

I thrive on 'words of affirmation'. (From The Five Love Languages)

One of the challenges we've faced as a couple is that each time we move Jrex is my only 'real' friend for a while. Usually once I dive into a church, I get surrounded by people who affirm who I am, my gifts, my friendship, etc. Poor Jrex fights an uphill battle since compliments are not his style. This move has been doubly challenging because we've added a kid to the mix. Therefore, it's taken more time to find a church, and despite having found one, it's taking a while to get connected. Having a kid in tow provides quick connections, but lengthens the time required to achieve depth. As a result, I've not been getting many affirmations. If I ask him to 'tell me something nice', he always responds in a wonderful way. It's good, but somehow, just not as 'real' as if he spontaneously tells me I'm the best wife ever (a girl can dream, right?).

Sadly, the love desert works the other way, too. Jrex's primary way of showing (and therefore of receiving) love is through serving others. Well, that's the one that's hardest for me to do. I'm already doing most of our laundry, much of the childcare, most of the house straightening, and in my oh-so-abundant (not!) leftover energy, various house projects. Therefore, he does most of the cooking, yet in Korean culture, food=love. Sigh. We're both starving each other despite our best efforts.

One of my best friends sent me an email today that was a HUGE help:

What's so great about you?

1.  You are so fun to watch / hear as a mom.  I love your heart for your little boy and how much fun motherhood is for you.
2.  You have modeled perseverance and love in your marriage, in a way I've not seen in anyone else. 
3.  You love life, and you are able to connect with anyone and anything.  :)
4.  You are honest and caring in your communication.  I know you will always tell me the truth—even if I don't think I want to hear it.
5.  You are careful with your friends... I feel safe with you and always have.
6.  You see beyond the exterior of people and into their lives.
7.  You are a constant that I'm so thankful to have in my life.
8.  You have ideas beyond what a normal brain can hold. 
9.  You don't give up - you figure out a way to make things happen, in relationships, in your job, and even with small details.
10. You recognize God's hand in and on your life, and you are mindful of His blessings.
11. You are a great communicator—I have learned so much about communicating what's in my heart because you have been open and patient with me over the years.

Obviously the list could go on, and I could elaborate on each of these things as well. But basically, I just want to let you know that you are
beautiful and loved and appreciated!  I truly don't know what my life would be without you. Thanks for showing up, and for staying through all the stuff we've walked through over the years.  You are more of a blessing to me than you may ever know. 

Part of the point in this fraught and fragile life is to be truly known and truly loved. I think there are points in a marriage where each person feels truly known and truly tolerated. Jrex and I are working on rebuilding our emotional adoring core (we're still enjoying our 'in home' date nights), but while we're working on that, it was wonderful to hear from someone else who truly knows me and has the words that help me feel loved.

Yikes! Where did I go?

I just scrolled through my last few posts and realized there's nothing personal in them. Sorry about that! Here are the latest tid-bits.

I'm getting my THIRD round of hernia surgery on Friday. Yes, the sucker came back again. I'm going to a different surgeon (cause, "fool me twice, shame on me"). The new guy's going to go in with a camera first and make sure all systems are normal.

Mom K is arriving at 10 PM the night before the surgery. We'll have Friday morning for Brex to get used to her, then they'll drop me off for surgery, take Brex to daycare and come back to sit in the hospital until I come out. Maybe we'll see if Mom wants to go to daycare with Brex instead? I won't be able to pick him up for two weeks and I'm a little worried he will be very testy about a Mom substitute when he hasn't had a chance to adjust to her first.

In preparation for not being able to pick him up, I bought him a toddler bed off of Craigslist. This way, neither Mom K with her severe osteoporosis or me with my sutured stomach will have to pick him up to put him in a crib. Brex is DELIGHTED to be able to tumble into and out of his OWN bed. I put the step stool next to the bed and he's quite adept at using it as a launching pad. I can change his diaper on the floor. He's happy to climb and descend the steps under his own steam. Mom will be here for a week, Jrex will have to do drop off and pick up since I can't drive. We'll make it work. It's just, sigh... I'm SO over this whole process.

Sunday we invited another couple over for brunch. They have many eerie similarities to us: he's Asian (Chinese), she's Caucasian. They moved here when she was 7 months pregnant. She's in the arts (Museum Registrar), he's one of Jrex's peers at work (another Physician/Scientist). They have a perfect child. He does most of the cooking (says it's an extension of the experimentation he does in lab). We had a great time despite the fact that I'm becoming the Crazy Lady who works from home and talks WAY too much any time there's a breathing human in the same room. Over share with the poor cashier at the grocery store? Check. Accost my poor neighbors? Yup. Interrupt our gentle, quiet guest? Sigh.

Still working on the office decor project. We found out Friday that the Exec (who is over the two people we've been working with) vetoed the overall direction we were heading in. Not only do we have to revamp, we have to have a new deck ready to show our general manager on Thursday to then send to the Exec on Friday. The four of us went off to look for inspiration last Friday and did Show and Tell today. There were common elements we'd all found, so we're using those as the main motifs moving forward. I started the phone call by announcing that I'd jumped into Eeyore's camp and was totally demoralized. By the end, it felt like we were back on the same team and I felt excited again.

Jrex and I continue to do our weekly 'in home' date nights. We migrated away from take out and Jrex did an amazing meal for our most recent one. I realized that as much as I LOVE his food, part of what makes it feel like a 'date' is not having to spend the evening cleaning, cooking and cleaning. So we'll go back to the take out concept. We just need to find places open on a Monday night...

In the next month it looks like we'll be having a constant flow of overnight guests as well as out of town friends stopping by for dinner or brunch. It's surprising how many of our far flung friends swing through Dallas to visit family or for work. Having a house that can accommodate the influx has restored my enjoyment of hospitality.

So c'mon down, y'all!

Raising one of the beautiful people

It will, I'm sure, shock you to your core to find out that neither Jrex nor I were ever 'beautiful people'. I was friends with some of the people in the popular crowd, but mostly hung out with the stoners and alternative crowd. Jrex was a music/science geek. We're both attractive enough, but have never had people come up and compliment our looks before they get to know us. We win people over because of our personalities more than our looks.

In the long run, I'm profoundly grateful for that. I don't fear getting old because it's never been about how I look, it's always been about who I am on the inside. I'm hoping to be a vivacious, adventurous 70-something whitewater rafting down the river. As long as they're laugh wrinkles, right?

On Saturday I put Brex in the stroller and walked over to the Bishop Arts District. Stopped in to the kid's store to look for slippers for Brex, bought a milkshake at Hunky's (no joke), stopped in at a consignment store to grab stuff off the sales rack for me and then headed home.

In the kid's store the person working the register saw him and exclaimed, "Isn't that Brex!? I recognize him from our contest a while ago. He is adorable." (Brex won for cutest kid in his age/gender group).

At Hunky's, after we finished eating, while I was cleaning up after the food, I let Brex wander the café a bit. He walked over to a booth where there was a family with two young girls. He stared at them a bit in fascination. Then waddled to the next booth where there were two older women. They smiled at him, he grinned back. I gathered him up and put him in the stroller. One of the women made a point to come over and tell me, "Your boy is so handsome! He has such a wonderful smile and he is just so adorable."

At the clothing store, the woman working the register asked how old Brex is. We chatted and she said, "He is such a good looking baby. He looks so big. What a cutie."

None of these comments were unusual. The scary thing is that part of me is starting to expect them. What really freaked me out was a lunch stop with Brex a few weeks ago; we stopped at Wendy's after running some errands. Brex ate a bit of his food, put his hands in the air (at home, Appa often says, "Yeah!" when Brex does that), then looked around the restaurant. He waited, turning, looking. No one was looking at him or clapping and he seemed a bit disappointed.

I don't want a kid who assumes the world will cater to him because he happened to win a genetic jackpot. It's no credit to him that he's cute; being thoughtful or honest or standing up for someone being bullied--those matter more. My Mom kept a journal the first year or so of my life. In it she said that people kept commenting what a beautiful baby I was and she'd answer, "She's beautiful inside and out." I love the response, but it feels too contrived for me (though it wasn't at all contrived from my ultra-sincere Mother). On the other hand, I grew out of being a beautiful baby, so this whole issue may disappear!

In case it doesn't, do any of you have advice for us for how to help him value inner character over outward appearance?

15.8 years and we're still learning

Since moving here we've had trouble figuring out how to do date nights. Sure, the kiddo is a factor, but it's also been rough for Jrex to figure out how to relax in the middle of his job pressure. As much as he's thriving and enjoying his job, it also consists of the worst of being an entrepreneur, a CEO, CFO, CTO and non-profit fundraiser.

We tried doing a Sabbath from Friday night to Saturday night. After two weeks, it devolved into just Friday night. Two weeks of that and Jrex (and I) were too brain dead to talk on a Friday. We ended up watching movies, but it didn't solve the issue of when and how to connect. A friend mentioned that she and her husband take a bath together every night: wine, music, touch, conversation. Jrex thought that sounded too contrived (particularly since he's not a bath guy).

We never figured out a solution. Instead I started saving up topics to discuss during our vacation. Driving. Lounging in a cabin with no TV or computer. Hiking. All wonderful times to talk and connect, right?

In the middle of our vacation as we sat looking at the moon rising in the midst of an embarrassment of stars, I brought up Brex and the issue of discipline. What model are we thinking to follow? Time outs only or any spankings? After a pause, Jrex said, "When I'm looking at the sky, it's like I go into right-brained mode and language is hard for me. The same thing happens when I drive." I already knew that he doesn't talk while hiking so all of a sudden it felt like our marriage was utterly empty and without hope for the future. (Why, yes, I have been accused of being melodramatic, why do you ask?) We've learned the hard way that it's better if I pre-process my emotions and then, usually, write out a response and give it to Jrex so he has time to work through the issues without feeling attacked. So, here we are in a 2-room cabin in the wilderness. The baby is in the bedroom, it's freezing cold outside. Where do I go to cry and wrestle?

Long story short, I cried and journaled in the living room, then went outside to throw rocks in the ravine. The next day I brought the iPod and my earphones for the car ride. You don't want to talk. FINE. We talked about logistics. A bit about the scenery.

We clarified things that night. For him, being in nature, or looking at it, is like being in an art gallery. I'd be annoyed if he started talking about calling the plumber while we were looking at Cezanne paintings. Fair enough. The big issue still remained: if we weren't going to do a Sabbath, or Friday nights, or deep talks while driving, WHEN were we going to connect?

We both thought of Mondays. Since it's expensive and a hassle to go out, we decided to do date night in. He picks up take out on the way home then we take the food and some wine and go upstairs to our sitting room. After lighting the candles in the fireplace, we snuggle on the love seat and just talk about whatever.

Thus far we've had two of these, but it feels 'right' for both of us. We're away from the easy temptation to just watch TV, we're away from any clutter in the kitchen or any visual 'to do' items, and it's non-fussy and comfortable. Somehow we're not as brain dead on Mondays, it even extends the weekend emotionally. It's reminded both of us of our dating days. Hanging out with no agenda except each other.

Phew! Yet another hurdle navigated. We keep hoping we're done with the major hurdles, and then we stumble over one and fumble around kicking each other until we figure out a way over without damaging each other or our marriage.

Hard work, yes. Worth it? Definitely.

And you were there...and you...and you

I'm back in the office. In California. For a week. Alone.

The baby, the mutt, the husband are all trying to survive each other at home. I flew here yesterday afternoon. This morning, I received the following email from Jrex telling me how the evening and morning went:

Hi Hon,

Hope you had a good night's sleep. Unfortunately, Brex didn't. Woke up at 2 and 4:30a. Then completely at 5:30a, gave him some milk - had about 2-3 oz but then was falling asleep while drinking the milk. Went back to sleep at 6a and woke up 7:30a, completely lost his mind. Interesting to change him while he's completely thrashing around. Finally settled down when I gave him some date-pecan bread in the kitchen and our happy boy returned. Yeesh. I think I lost a year of my life this morning. Also, as I left him at daycare, his big ol' eyes started to tear up.

I'm sure he'll be fine in the long run but it's going to be fun. Clearly, he's missing you.

I hate that Brex is sad without me there. It especially stinks that he's suffering without understanding why. Jrex and I chatted after I saw his email and agreed that Skype might make it worse for Brex: seeing me, but not understanding why I can't pick him up.

The strange thing on this end is that being back at the office, it feels like I never left. Which means that my time in Texas feels like a strange dream. And yet in that dream I have a child.

I've been running around the office saying hello to various people. There are so many co-workers that I really enjoy as people, yet have no business reason to call. We've all been happy to see each other and do a little catch up. Then for lunch today, it felt amazing to think about what food I wanted to try: Japanese? Indian? Turkish? Afghani? Thai? Peruvian? All within a 10-minute drive.

I love being back. I (selfishly) love being alone. I totally miss my kiddo and husband (and the mutt). All mixed up in a big pile of disorientation. Which version is the dream? Will I wake up in Oz or Kansas?

I'm enjoying this dream while I'm in it, but I'll be happy to go home again.

The Rest of the Story

In answer to my Dad's question about the previous post: Brex was great in the car. It helped that Muttola was with us so he could throw his food at her and giggle hysterically watching her eating it. People ask if he's talking yet. We answer no, but as we were reminded during the car ride, he talks ALL the time, we just have no idea what he's saying.

His consistent list of words thus far:
"No.No.No."
"Yeah"
"[Dog's Name]!"
"Wow"
"Ap-Pa!" (figured it out during the trip. Evolved from Da-da, to Ba-ba, to Appa)
"...llo?" (Hello)


Enough of words, here are the promised photos:

First hike: The Window. Many of the trails in Big Bend were built courtesy of the WPA during FDR's presidency. This one had lovely sets of stone stairs along the wash.

Brex at the bottom of the wash (after lunch). The women at daycare keep commenting how much he loves being outside. This trip just confirmed it.

Why yes, yes. That's attitude. Already. (He saw an 11-year old trying to rock climb and launched himself at every cliff the rest of the trip. That's my boy!)

The end of hike 1. Don't you just want to eat those cheeks?!

After moving to California (and now Texas) and being exposed to desert flora, I discovered that Dr. Seuss was a realist.

Hike 2: Lost Mine Trail. The view from the top.

Do NOT try to tell him he's a baby. If you ask him, whatever we can do, he can do better. No need to bring a bottle on the hikes, he loved drinking our water.

Along the trail.

Our home sweet home. A mere 45-minute drive from the main road.

The crazy coot who built the original cabin blasted dynamite in the valley to create a pond. See the green? In the summer, when it rains, there's water here.

Perhaps not the best toy for a kid, but he loved our trekking poles.

Two of the huge windows on all three sides of the living area.

Desert dog having her day.

Click to enlarge. The land across the river in this photo is Mexico (the Rio Grande, shallow enough here to walk across). See the tracks on the other side? Not wild animals.

Well, the other prints were human, but here on the USA side we found a nice fresh mountain lion print.

Evidence of geekdom. We commented that Peter Jackson wouldn't have needed CGI if he'd filmed Mordor in Big Bend instead of Texas. Look, the Gates of Mordor straight ahead! (Locally known by the profoundly evocative name of Mule Ear Peak)

If I can't get a husband to be a climbing partner, I'll just have to raise one from scratch.

Not so impressive if you think it's a sunset. Is it better if I tell you that's the moon?

Here comes the sun. 

Big Bend? Definitely worth the trip.

Home again!

I know I need to upload pics, but thought I'd give an overview without them. Hopefully I'll add pictures in the next couple of days.

Big Bend was beautiful.

Restful. Lovely. Fun. Quiet. (NO lizards. No scorpions. No snakes. Thank goodness for winter! In fact, outside our cabin, we heard no sounds AT. ALL.) I'd found the cabin on line before there were any reviews. Overall, we loved the cabin itself. It was isolated, yet cozy. If Brex cried in the middle of the night, there was no one to hear. He loved to totter around outside the cabin and find the biggest possible rock he could heft.

At night we could put him down in his portable bed in the shared bedroom, shut the door and then sit in the living room next to a gas fire. We'd turn out the lights and eat dinner looking out floor-to-ceiling windows with views of the rising moon. As we watched Orion trail the moon higher in the sky, we'd talk or just look. We let the peace outside saturate us inside.

The first night, Brex woke up scared at 4 AM. I finally got him back to sleep and then went outside to look at the stars. The moon had set so the whole sky blazed with more stars than I've ever seen; I could barely make out the Milky Way because all of them were so bright. Poor Jrex, the moon set later and later each night, so he never got to see the sky without the moon.

The only real downside to that cabin was it took an hour and a half just to get to a trail in Big Bend. On the other hand, it was a lovely drive so we didn't mind too much. The last 20 minutes to the cabin were dirt and gravel roads, so it felt like an adventure each time. If we go again, we'll likely try to leave the dog in a kennel and stay in the lodge (or a cabin) inside the national park.

The two hikes we did were each five miles or less. One was through grassy meadows and down a canyon to a view called "The Window" where you could look down and out across the valley. The second day we did "Lost Mine" which climbed up 1000 feet of switchbacks to a rocky outcropping with beautiful views in all directions.

The third day (Christmas), Brex and I rested and played in the cabin while Jrex did a solo hike for a few hours. Then I made dinner and Jrex gave me a lovely card. That was it for our big Christmas celebration, but for us, it felt just right.

Marfa was a disaster.

Perhaps it was the rave reviews that set us up for disappointment. Perhaps it was the fact that many of the restaurants closed for the holidays. We suspect, however, that it's not a place to be with a toddler. Perhaps when Brex is eight or older it would be worth trying again.

In reality, the only things to do in Marfa are go look at Donald Judd art/installations/architecture, or go out to eat. Yet the only place we ate that had even one high chair was a bar. The only place with a changing table was the gas station (we mostly changed him in the back of the car). Brex woke at 6 AM both mornings we were there. The earliest place we'd found for breakfast said it was open at 8:30. We walked the three blocks in 32-degree weather and got there at 8:30. By 8:45 we gave up and went back to Squeeze (where we'd eaten the day before. So-so food. We'd had no desire to go back). No high chairs. Crowded. Full of people who don't smile at children.

Lunch at the famous Food Shark food truck. Yes, it was the best falafel I've ever had. Yes, the shrimp gumbo was delicious. Waiting in 40-degree weather for 45-minutes AFTER placing the order? Not so much. We tried to go to the famous hipster bookstore while we waited. It looked like they had an amazing selection, but once inside, we could smell what we'd been too numb to notice. No changing table meant we had to walk back to our car to change him, and by then the food was almost ready.

We'd thought to redeem the afternoon by visiting the modern art installations at The Chinati Foundation. Unfortunately the building labeled "Chinati Foundation" in town turned out to be different than the one outside of town which WAS open from 2-4 pm. Sigh. We gave up and tried to get Brex to take a nap. No go. We did to pizza take out from The Pizza Foundation (we had to order the pizza two hours ahead). It's a small town, there aren't that many people that can mob you, could you people figure out some better operation models so that these stupid hoops don't exist!!!??

Our last hope for foodie heaven was a local restaurant that was supposed to open at 8 AM for breakfast. This time we called ahead at 8 AM only to find they opened at 9. Fuggedabatit. We grabbed burritos at the gas station and shook the dust off our feet.

As we drove home, we passed Ft. Davis. It looked much less pretentious, but had an historic fort to tour, a walkable 'downtown' area and was a close drive to a mountain top observatory. Our experience in Marfa reconfirmed that as much as we enjoy good food, in the end we like to feel we got a great deal, and nothing in Marfa was cheap, or easy. Next time? Big Bend Lodge with a day or two in Ft. Davis on the way in.

Temper, temper

I think I've mentioned that when Brex hit the one-year mark, he also hit a key developmental milestone: wanting his own way. I keep thinking of the G.K. Chesterton quote from Orthodoxy, "Certain new theologians dispute original sin, which is the only part of Christian theology which can really be proved." It's the idea that we each come out wanting our own way above all others and have to learn that life doesn't work that way.

Well, Brex is learning. I've figured out a few consequences that seem to work very effectively for his current behaviors. For each of these I give him a "When/then" statement as I see the willful moment approaching.

"When you touch that, then..."

"If you keep pulling those out, then..."

1. Move him
When he sits there staring at and scooting closer....and closer...and closer to whatever I've told him not to touch, I just say, "If you touch it, you get moved out of the room." He looks up at me and then back down. Slowly his fat little finger oozes toward the object of desire. As he touches it, I swoop down, grab him and move him out of the room. Not in any mean way, but not in a cuddly way either. He wails and gnashes his eight teeth as I leave him there to go back and finish whatever started the conflict. Then I come out and say, "I'll pick you up when you stop crying." He whimpers up at me with tears in his big brown eyes. Sniffs. Gets quiet. I pick him up and he grins and all is well.

2. Let him go
His other favorite reaction is to arch his back away from me if I say he can't touch something. (Example: we're in a store and he wants to touch the display items. God FORBID he can't touch them. What do you MEAN, 'it's not for you'?! The outrage! The horror! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!)

I have zero tolerance for that kind of tantrum, so I just put him on the floor as he's arching. (I do it gently enough that he doesn't bang his head, but quickly enough that he knows he started the motion) I leave him there to wail and again say, "When you stop crying, I'll pick you up." He usually stops fairly quickly. Yes. I've done this in a store. No, it's not fun. I figure the fits will only get worse, so it's worth it to do now when he can't yet walk away.

3. Walk away
He's just recently started shrieking if he's not getting something he wants (usually me).  I refuse to pick him up and reward the shriek. So I repeat, "When you stop crying, I'll pick you up" and then walk out of the room. The volume increases exponentially of course! When it winds down to a low whimper, I go in and get him. As soon as I pick him up, he grins like none of it ever happened. For some reason that's when I think, "Little punk!"

I figure all of this will have to be adjusted again once he can walk with confidence (since he will get up and run after me). That day is coming soon! Yesterday he had multiple times where he took 10 little robot steps (mostly towards the dog. Must. touch. her. Must. not. get. licked. in. face. Must. stand.)

So, as in most parenting thus far, as soon as we figure out a working system, we are due to enter newly uncharted waters.

For Halloween, I dressed him appropiately as a 'curmudgeon'. The shirt says "This is my costume".

Hypochondriac in the making?

How soon can a kid get himself to throw up? Last week, Brex genuinely had a stomach flu. This week?

Hmm...

Daycare called me yesterday to come pick him up since he had a 101-degree fever. I brought him home and let him sleep. When he woke up, I fed him (we're still using formula thanks to all these illnesses!! Sigh), then took him over to the park to go on the swings.

The trick with our little punk is that he's totally cheerful in-between his barfing episodes. He wants to explore, climb around, come to 'home base' (me) for a quick snuggle, then head off on his own again. It's hard to keep him occupied in the house. On the other hand, he's also really, really into me holding him ALL. THE. TIME. If we're outside, or he's in the stroller, he's fine, but inside the house, he wants to be touching me most of the time. Makes working a bit challenging if he's awake. I'm totally into him being independent, but after a few weeks now of various illnesses, he's turned into a velcro baby.

This afternoon I started to get my hopes up that he might be fine to go to daycare tomorrow. It's totally embarrassing to have it be my turn on the conference call and have him interject! Last week was horrible. During our studio meeting, it was my turn to fill in the team about my current projects. I'd told them Brex was home sick when we started talking. As I talked, I held Brex who then started to barf all over me! I cursed into the phone and told them I had to go (A bit later, I sent an email explaining what happened).

Another staff meeting today, another incident.  He woke up and started crying while it was my turn—so not that terrible, but still feels unprofessional. One of my coworkers calls these my "bunny slipper moments"—when the other person is reminded that I work from home (supposedly in my pajamas, right?).

Thus far in a year of virus after virus, Jrex has only had to be home from work one day. I have no idea how I'd handle this if I wasn't working from home, but it's really wearing on me (thus the hope that I could take him to daycare tomorrow). 

At dinner, he hurled all over the table. While I do my best to be very calm and soothing on the outside, "It's ok, buddy, get it all out. It's ok. Yeah, I know that hurts..." on the inside I'm screaming, "NOOOO!!!!!"

Got him all cleaned up (at least he loves baths), diapered, into his pajamas, read him his book, and he did it again! Bath number three for the day...

I love my kid and love spending time with him, but it's 10:45 pm and I just finished my work for the day. Since he's so attached to me these days, it's tempting to develop a conspiracy theory that he's getting sick on purpose so he can be with me.

(I offer this whiny post as an explanation for why I've posted nothing deep today!)

The worst week as parents so far

You'd think the worst week would have been early on due to the lack of sleep. Or the week of uncontrollable crying before we found out about his dairy sensitivity. Or the two weeks after he started teething his molars when we'd find him in bed every morning with an exploded diaper.

Each of those was interesting, to be sure. Yet it's this past week that's been the worst. We thought Brex was reacting to too much dairy on Friday morning when he threw up (we'd run out of formula and substituted Lactaid milk). Well, he then threw up three more times at day care and they called me to come get him. We went dairy free and he seemed fine. Until that night...

I'm not going to give details here, it's a disgusting topic, but let's just say that over the past five days Jrex has had to get his car shampooed, we've washed the car seat cover, the stroller, the high chair, every bedsheet Brex owns, our bedsheets and more clothes than I can count. What makes it easier is that Brex is happy once he's done. The problem has been we keep thinking he's over it, and then he proves that He. Is. Definitely. NOT.

The other bonus is that he was generous to share the joy with me.

My father arrived for a 10-day visit Saturday afternoon. I'd begun to feel nauseous that afternoon, so Jrex left me and the baby sleeping at home while he picked up Dad at the airport. Dad arrived, I woke up. I went into his room to say hi and was about to greet him with, "Welcome to the house of plague and cold" (our first floor heater has been broken since Thursday and the highs over the weekend were in the 50's. Nothing like being stuck in a freezing house!!). However, I had to sit down abruptly on the bed. It was all I could do to keep from throwing up right then. He sat quietly next to me. After a little while he said with concern, "What's going on? Are you ok?"

I shook my head and murmured, "I have to throw up!" I barely made it to the bathroom. Nine-months of pregnancy with nausea but no vomit, and I'm felled by a stomach bug.

Yesterday Jrex had to take the day off so I could do my job. I had non-stop work, no time for lunch, and crazy phone calls all day. After dealing alone with every one of Brex's many sick days since day care began in January, it was wonderful to have Jrex and Dad help out.

Right now Dad is walking around the neighborhood with Brex and I'm trying to get work done. You can tell how well that's going!

What makes this the worst week? Just the sheer grossness of it all combined with having a house guest. I want to be able to do fun things with my Dad, but we're spending most of it cooped up in a cold house. The cool thing about Dad is that he's able to roll with it and doesn't seem at all put out. It's also the fact that just when I think it's safe to resume 'normal' activities (going out for dinner, letting him drink his bottle in our bed), he proves to me why that was a silly idea. Yeah, yeah, 'this too shall pass', I get it. I just don't like it!

Belated Happy Birthday

Within a day or two of Brex's birthday, I put up a photo essay on Facebook. Since then, I keep meaning to do a blog post about it, but didn't have the urgency. I suspect that FB has taken the 'need' out of many blogger's posts.

In any case, we had a fun birthday for the boy. I thought he'd be shy when everyone looked at him; instead he beamed and waved each time he was the focus of attention.

The other revelation after planning an event for two weeks with Mom K is that most of my problems with her are that we are too similar. We both like to have things a certain way, we both want to know the agenda, make lists, plan ahead, have everything ready and make it look good. The whole visit she was also on the phone with members of her church, counseling them, chatting, laughing, and in general, staying connected with a wide network of people. The core problem is that given our similarities, she's better at everything than I am! She's a better cook, more relentless cleaner, more tireless in playing with Brex, more cheerful in serving. She sets a standard that I'll never be able to match so it makes me feel insecure and uber-critical of whatever ways I can find her being 'less than'.

When I mentioned this revelation to Jrex, he didn't disagree with my premise. In fact, he agreed that his Mom and I are both perfectionists (I retorted with known irony, "I'm not a perfectionist! I just want things done the right way...."). He did add though that I'm much better with a power drill than is his Mother. It was actually comforting.

So, here are a couple photos for those of you who aren't my FB friends (or who missed seeing them there).

In the Korean 'dol' ceremony, we put out objects that supposedly predict his future. The money symbolizes wealth & power/ thread is long life / bowl of rice means abundance / tin whistle (non-traditional) meant the arts / pen for a scholar. When I told some of my non-Korean friends about the meanings of the objects, they exclaimed, "What? None of the futures is for anything bad?" Sheesh!

Here's the boy's face when seeing one of his buddies from his old day care. Yes. It's hero worship.

In other kiddo news, he's not quite walking, but I think we have an official first word. What we're going to claim as his first word is the dog's name. He produces a mangled version of her name every time he sees her. However, what he says quite clearly, quite distinctly, quite meaningfully, emphatically and gleefully . . .

. . . is "No".

Sigh. The week after he turned one we had to have two 'obedience sessions'. He'd become increasingly defiant and so instead of moving him or distracting him, I decided to go head-to-head. He crawled over to touch the TV screen. I warned him not to touch it, he looked at me, looked at the TV and then firmly smacked it. I exclaimed, "NO!!!" very loudly (the way I'd say it to the dog). He burst into tears for 20 seconds. Then turned off the faucet, babbled at me, shook his head. Then touched the TV again.

Repeat. five. times.

While he stood holding the table without touching the TV, I praised him in a very happy voice for not touching the TV and listening to me. Then when he touched it, the loud, scary, "No!" He finally stopped trying and crawled over to play happily with a toy.

The day after, we did the same pattern with the dog's food dishes.

Since then, he's been much better about listening to us, but he's also quite excited to use a word that has such power. What have I done!?

I wasn't taking this seriously enough!

As you may or may not realize, Brex turns one on Saturday. (What, you didn't highlight September 29th on your calendar! Your WHOLE world doesn't revolve around my baby? For shame!)

In Korean culture, this is a Big. Deal. I knew it in theory, but last night, I actually googled, "dol" which is the name for the ceremony.

Oops.

Now I'm totally intimidated. Not so much because I have a thousand Korean peers I need to impress, but Mom K does and she is SO proud of this little baby. He's not going to remember it, we don't really care, but it is a tangible, significant way we can honor her (and give her photos to flaunt to her friends).

Just scroll through this page and you'll see what I mean: http://www.kokoliving.com/korean_baby_dol_first_bir/

I'm profoundly grateful that I have a Korean friend in the neighborhood. B-boy's dol was September 8th and she was relatively casual about it, but she did go nuts with handcrafts. She hot-glued two bean towers (you'll see them in the pictures on the link), one says Congratulations Birthday and the other has a bunny on it (2011: year of the rabbit), so both are reusable. Because of her I have paper chains, hanging stars and paper flowers to use for decor. She also did "happy birthday" so we can hang that behind the table. I'm making plant hangers from rafia. I've got some spider plant babies that I'm going to put in decorative glasses with water and hang those along the front of the deck. I've borrowed tunnels, a tyke mobile and a swing/slide for the back yard segment of the event.

Mom and I are heading back to H-mart (Korean mega grocery store) on Friday to get fruit, flowers and favors for the party. Then poor Jrex has to rush over there Saturday morning to get the 'dol cake'.

At 2 pm Saturday we're due to have 20+ adults and 7 kids arrive to see the Korean ceremony. Then we'll serve up Korean food and hang out in the backyard enjoying the new deck. A little bit high brow for Mom, a lot casual for us.

Our new addition: a 17 x 13 foot deck finished just in time for the party.

In other life ironies...

I hate pink. For girls, for decor, in general. It's a silly color and represents girls being told they need to fit a certain box. Studies show that a blue room is calming and a pink room is over-stimulating.  I'm sorry if you like the color, I just have strong feelings and I'm willing to take it outside if that's necessary (one of the phrases I love from my childhood, "What? You got something to say? You want to take it outside, fool?!").

So, Mom K went to Korea this spring and brought back two Korean outfits for Brex. Apparently androgyny is trendy in Korea... so, yes. My son gets to wear either a navy top with pink pants or a pink top with light blue pants. Either way, the little pope hat he wears is pink. Mom's known me now for how many years? I guess it just emphasizes that the part of the birthday ceremony that will happen in the dining room is all hers. Then we toss him in comfy clothes and let him crawl in the dirt with all the other toddlers.

High Pain Threshold strikes again

So much for two weeks of lazing around. I feel better already!

The surgery was at 7:30 on Friday morning. Jrex and I snuck out of the house before the baby was awake, leaving Mom home in case he woke up. Jrex stayed with me through the check in process. Once they carted me off to surgery, he went home to get ready for work. Then he took the baby into day care (thus giving Mom some rest and the baby some normalcy).

I was home by 10:30 AM. Of course I ended up sleeping most of the day and then had trouble sleeping that night. It felt like the meds had caffeine in them, but I think I was just wired from oversleep. Saturday and Sunday I slept every time the baby slept and a few more times when he was awake. He seemed to do just fine with Halmoni. She's AMAZING with him: really loving and not TOO indulgent.

Since then I've needed less and less sleep and less and less pain meds. I really only took pills during the day Friday through Sunday. Frankly, the dreams are too weird and I don't like feeling like I'm waking up through a layer of molasses.

So much for a two week vacation! The problem now is that I keep wanting to pick up my kid, but I really can't yet. I let him stand next to me as I sit on the floor and he rests his head on my shoulder as I rub his back. He also crawls into my lap as I sit there. I miss feeding him and playing with him, but he's so active now that it's difficult to keep up when I'm limited in what I can do to intervene.

I'm grateful that we've found another fun interaction via a new 'toy'. After our trip to Minnesota I was really frustrated that it was impossible to get him to sleep without having a confining space to hold him. At home he usually cries in protest for 30 seconds when I put him down and then goes to sleep. Well, when I tried to lay him down on the floor at someone's house, he'd crawl to the door and wail until I came back. I found a used "Phil & Ted's Traveller" via craigslist.org and he's loving it. It folds up into a packable 7 lb size and functions as a crib big enough for a three-year old. We'll use it when we go to someone's house for dinner so he can go to sleep at his usual 7 pm. It also makes camping (car camping...) feel doable.

I set it up in the living room and we threw in a bunch of balls. He crawls into it on his own and then when we zip up the side, he flings himself around, laughing gleefully. There's an opening in the top so he can pull himself up and play "Where's Brex? THERE he is!" I can also kiss his hands when he shoves them against the mesh on the sides.

http://philandteds.com/us/Products/Sleep/Traveller#.UFvRsxiCOtg

It's helped save our sanity a bit since it's functioning as a play yard. His discovery for the weekend was that he can climb the stairs to the second floor. He'll accept help coming down, but only help that lets him do it By.Himself. (I've ordered a gate for the bottom of the stairs. It arrives Monday. NOT soon enough.)

Poor Mom K has been patiently going up.and.down.the.stairs.over.and.over.and.over. She's definitely a saint!

So, for those of you who prayed for a speedy recovery, thanks! (mostly...)

My vacation is almost here!

Friday morning, 7:30 AM, I go 'off duty'. This happened the last time I had hernia surgery, it mostly felt like I got permission to catch up on sleep and reading while 'recovering'.

In the same spot as my last hernia, I developed another one within 3 months of the previous surgery. I couldn't figure out a good time to be off-duty for two weeks (the time span in which I can't lift anything, like a baby, that's over 20 pounds). The doctor didn't use mesh the last time since it wasn't a big hernia and I'm not a big person. Unfortunately, it seems like the mesh is necessary! Ah well...

Mom K arrives Thursday afternoon. We'll go and pick up Brex from daycare on the way home. Then on Friday, Jrex will drop me and Mom off for the surgery, take Brex to daycare, work for a while, pick us up, pick up the baby, etc. He'll be running around like crazy while I just SLEEP.

In an unusual turn of events, I'm looking forward to Mom K being here. Since having Brex, I've lost any fear of her opinion so that's a wonderful freedom. Second, I can't imagine anyone else, including Jrex, who will be as attentive to Brex as I would be. In fact, I know she'll be way MORE attentive. The beauty is that I'll be lounging in bed reading with earplugs in my ears. She can do whatever she wants, spoil him, love him, let him do whatever his pudgy little heart desires and I don't have to care.

I'm a little nervous for Brex's sake. I know babies are resilient and he won't remember anything from this next couple of weeks, but he's definitely in his "Mommy" phase and it'll be hard to not be able to pick him up. Given how much he wiggles at this point, I won't even be able to hold him in my lap; I think I can have him sit next to me, but not on me.

Here's the real beauty of my plan: Mom K would have been here for this time period anyway. The 17th is the anniversary of Dad K's death and the 29th is the boy's first birthday. There's no way I could have kept her away! Yet this way, I'm not being a bad daughter-in-law if I'm lazing in bed.

Is it wrong that I feel so excited about my nefarious plot?

Brex's first tomato.

What's not to love?

Brex and I just returned from attending my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis. As I've mentioned before, my Mom was the oldest of 10 kids. After her there was an uncle, whose family I've never met, a childless aunt who died in a car accident, and then seven more aunts who all had children. That adds up to 27 first cousins, many who've now had kids of their own.

When Brex and I arrived on Friday, we went straight from the airport and car rental to the house that Aunt Gemstone had rented for the weekend. On the day of the wedding, a bunch of us met at a park/farmer's market in the morning. The day after the wedding, we all assembled at another house rented by the other aunts. That's a lot of family time! Yet all of it was fun and relaxing.

I kept realizing how much I enjoy our family. Here are some of the reasons why:

1. Fun. When the music starts ALL of my aunts got up to dance. Just having all of them in the same room means the party will be fun.
2. Relaxed. Despite having an open bar all night, nothing bad happened. No embarrassing moments, no fights, no hidden ugliness. It's amazing to have a family this large and not have any dread about a family gathering.
3. Introverts/Extroverts. While most of the uncles seem to be non-dancing introverts, many of my male cousins were out on the dance floor having a great time. It gives me hope that no matter what Jrex does, our kid(s?) can join me on the dance floor!
4. Caretaking. There was always someone wanting to hold Brex. He often preferred Mom to anyone else, but that's normal for his age. When I put him down to explore, there were always cousins around to keep an eye on him and play with him. After being loved by so many new people, by the time we arrived at the airport to fly home, he was crawling up to strangers and expecting they would be delighted to see him.
   
   
   
5. My kind of fun. When we gathered no one watched television. Rather, people talked, played games, ate food and just hung out with each other.
6. Laughter. Most of us have similar enough senses of humor that there are always quips flying around. Conversation is fast and interesting.
7. Diversity. You'd think that us getting along would be because we have similar points of view, but it's not true. Opinions on the political spectrum seem to run from tea party to liberal, and we occasionally mentioned politics, but no one wanted to argue about it. It helps me remember that as much as the media wants to showcase a divided country, individuals  are willing to be kind to each other no matter what their point of view.
8. Warmth. Come as you are, quirks are welcome. We all tend toward foot-in-mouth disease, so if it happens, we shrug and move on.

Steady....steady....

In a reversal of our usual system, yesterday I dropped off Brex and Jrex brought him home. Which meant that we were all hanging out in the living room as Brex stood next to his wooden box playing with the beads on wire loops twisting around the top. Jrex accidentally dropped the little notepaper we get from the daycare. It landed on top of Brex's box.

Now, this little kid is SUCH a fidgeter. He always needs to do something with his hands and loves to obsessively clutch any object as he goes about his activities. It's so bad that we suspect he's never going to switch from an army crawl on his belly to a 'real' crawl. Why? In the army crawl he can continue to hold onto his Baahhwwl, or whatever other random item is in his grasp.

So, he reached for the paper. With both hands. Midway through the move, he seemed to realize what he was doing and his chubby legs started shaking, but he maintained his balance as he slowly reached forward to grab the paper and then stretched one of his hands to clutch a wire loop. Phew! He looked proud and relieved as he waved his paper at us.

Then he plunked down and army crawled over to me with his trophy.

Nope. He's not going to crawl before he walks.

Blah blah or Bawwwl?

Saturday night, 9:00 pm, far past the kiddo's bedtime and he was playing contentedly at Happy's 1st birthday party. While there, he discovered the joy of playing with round objects. Somehow, I've just never gotten around to buying him any toys with balls included.

Since then, I've rummaged through our stored stash of gifts from friends and found a couple balls. Tonight he happily migrated back and forth from his big wooden play box to a couple of balls. At one point, he picked up one of them then pointed at it and made a sound that (to a prejudiced, fond mother's ear) sounded like, "What's that?" (aka "da TA?")

I pretended he'd asked a question and answered slowly, "Baaalll. That's a ball. Baaaalll."

He looked at me solemnly and slowly enunciated (tone for tone), "Baaaww". I repeated, "Baaaalll", he looked at me, "Baaaawwl". Now, technically, if I do rasberries at him, he does them back so I'm not convinced it isn't just mimicry. We'll see if he says anything close to a "B" sound when he plays with them tomorrow.

The funny thing is that I look at him and feel like I've known him for years. It's still a bit strange to me that he can't talk or walk. It's like, some part of me thinks he's just wearing a baby suit and pretending. Don't fret, I'm not pushing him to be more than he is, it's just this odd sensation when I'm around him. If I believed in reincarnation, I could latch onto the whole 'old soul' thing. I've never had a baby of my own before, so perhaps it always feels like this for Moms. Among all the conversations about cracked nipples, thrush, crazy diapers, all-nighters and other Mothering Lore I've heard over the years, I've never heard this one talked about. Am I the odd one out on this?