Frankly, it's hard to find time to delve. Of course, for me, it's also hard to find the motivation.
Here's the list of things I need to think about (but usually avoid instead):
- My brother-in-law, Jrex's sister's husband has been battling throat cancer. They went in Monday morning to try to remove the tumor, as well as his voice box, and closed him back up. The cancer has spread to his neck bones. Their daughter is 7-years old and I just don't know how to wrap my head around it. I don't know what to do for them except pray. While I'm doing it, it brings up arenas of doubt and disappointment. YJ calls and talks with Jrex for an hour or so multiple times a week. When I've answered the phone, she's quick to ask for him. I remember not having emotional energy for most people when my Mom was sick, so it doesn't feel personal, but it limits how much direct involvement I can have. I don't know what they've been telling Sogna and she's a little young for me to be able to call just to chat with her. I'd love to go visit, but Jrex is also stressed about finances, so that doesn't seem doable either.
- Finances. We're both making very good salaries, yet feeling strapped. A lot of it is the house. It's beautiful, but takes a lot of maintenance and help to keep it that way. Plus, gas/electric/water here costs almost as much as the mortgage payment, and we didn't anticipate that. I'm doing what I can to try to be even more frugal, I'm open to selling this house in a couple years and down-sizing, I've raised the thermostat, I'd love to plant drought tolerant plants and cut down on watering, but there's only so much I can do in the meantime.
- Finding a church. Sundays have become really emotional for me. It's hard not to have a 'home', to not have a sense of at least beginning to be rooted somewhere. I'm totally freaked out about raising a son in the midst of all my searching around. I want a community who will have known him all his life and it's already passing so fast. It's hard that Jrex isn't part of the process. If I find a church where I really encounter God, I come home excited to tell him and he just listens tight-lipped and silent. It breaks my heart to not be able to share our faith walks in any profound way together. It's become so private for each of us. Part of the ache for me is that I've usually had a group of women to talk and pray with at least every other week. I love the women that I've met with, but we don't really dive into active prayer together and I'm craving that. I've got three possible churches that I'm thinking about, but it's often easier to stay home and avoid the emotional journey (which doesn't help in the long run).
- This one feels less emotional, but I do keep debating whether or not to do freelance. If so, I need to crank out some design work, make phone calls and start attending area design networking events. It seems like WAY too much hassle at the moment.
- Vacations. Jrex is desperate for a vacation. We haven't really had one since we did Vancouver and Whistler three years ago. After that, his Dad fell off a ladder and we dealt with all that, then Jrex went into publishing his paper, applying for jobs, deciding on a job, moving, and now starting up his lab. He's FRIED (understandably!) and that's part of his bitterness about the house. Because we can't easily drive to any mountains, our vacations now inherently involve flights, car rentals, hotels/cabins/etc, kennel for the dog, and food costs. We're used to driving somewhere, bringing our own food and sleeping in a tent. Budgeting a few thousand dollars for a vacation is disheartening when it's hard to get money into savings.
I think that's it. Nothing much, right?
No wonder my blog posts have been shallow and infrequent!