February 20, 2007


I'm having trouble doing meaningful posts lately. I'm wrestling with a pile of disorderly thoughts and don't yet have words for any of it.

I've found that in relationships, if I have something that really needs to be talked about, I just have nothing to say to the person until we talk it out. Sure, I can do chit-chat, but there's no good middle ground between shallow and "We need to talk". It's kind of like that with the blog. The stuff I'm wrestling with isn't easily summed up in five paragraphs or less.

My sister was here this weekend and was wonderful about trying to ask me questions. She kept apologizing for not asking the same kind of thought-provoking questions I ask her (her description, not mine...). It wasn't her fault she couldn't draw it out of me. I'm not sure what all is there. I just know that anytime I go near the pile, I spend a lot of time crying. It's good to 'get it out', but exhausting. My normal response is to avoid the pile and just hope it will go away somehow. This time, I'm trying to just 'rest' near it. To let it slowly unravel and resolve.

One example of a piece of the pile was that while I was praying for a bunch of things in my life to resolve or 'get better', I came across this verse (this is Jesus talking with his students and he's referring to his upcoming crucifixion): "Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, ‘Father, save Me from this hour'? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Thy name." It was NOT comforting at the time and I've been struggling with the Lord since then. I have a sense that all this struggle and all this frustration is coming ahead of whatever it is the Lord wants to do. Yet I struggle with how to rest when I don't know what's solid. When I don't like many elements of my life, yet seem to be getting 'not yet' as the answer to "When?!!!"

That's just one small piece of thought thread. I have 20 more that tangle into that one and at least 3 or 4 more inter-related knots with their own tangles. I'm not expecting anyone to have an 'answer', just trying to explain why my recent posts have felt a little dry (to me at least).

On a lighter note, once I upload some pictures tomorrow, I'll show you how the weekend went.


Rachel said...

It's so hard to wait sometimes. I don't know what you're going through specifically, but it is frustrating to pray and not feel like you are getting the answers you want/ need. Hope you get some resolution.

Wistful one said...

I can relate to feeling brain-tied, like there's too much to sort through and not enough time. And maybe we can't sort through it. I feel like God is preparing you for something bigger, something you can't see right now but it will be beautiful in time. May He bring beauty out of the pain and confusion, even now.