Lovin' Texas

Since October, I've gone most Friday mornings to join a group of women for Bible Study. We've been making our way through a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus". Good times, great women. Most of them grew up in Texas, many of them here in the 'Cliff.

This morning I was sharing that the Lord's been taking me through a passage in Revelation about a church that's lukewarm. He tells them that He wishes they were hot or cold. That they think they have everything and therefore don't realize they are cold, naked, blind and poor and desperately need him. It's actually the place where an oft-quoted verse is, "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone would open to me, I'll come in and dine with him/her." For me it's a call to deeper intimacy during a phase in life where I'm not desperate for God. That I need to invite him in, pursue more time with him, and ask for eyes to see where I need him.

As I shared about how good life is right now, I joked, "I mean, who knew I'd find my dream neighborhood in TEXAS?!"

Amidst murmurs of agreement around the table, the sweet, gentle Texas Grandmother next to me lovingly patted my arm and said, "Get a rope!"

She apologized later, but I thought it was HILARIOUS.

Dreams

Is anyone else fascinated by dreams and how our minds process our lives throughout the night?

Each morning when I was young, I'd come into the kitchen and Mom would ask me, "What did you dream?" In order to have an answer, I started trying to trace the threads of my dreams as I woke up. Over time, apparently, this is how one trains to become a lucid dreamer. I became aware of what I was dreaming as it happened. Eventually, my semi-conscious mind was able to argue with my sub-conscious.

After my Mom died, whenever she showed up in my dreams, my dream self would argue with her, "You can't be here, you're dead!" We'd actually end up going back and forth and negotiate the terms of her presence in the dream. Over the years I had a few dreams where she'd show up, still in her cancer body with a little skull cap on her head. I no longer had the active shove when she showed up, instead it would gradually dawn on me that she shouldn't be there. At that point in the dream she'd usually say something like, "I know you thought I died, but I've been here all along." Which usually made me really mad, "What?! You mean I'm going to have to grieve your loss AGAIN?!!"

While we were living in California, must have been three years ago now (so 12 years after her death), for the first time she showed up in a dream looking like she was in her 30's. Longish red-brown hair, no glasses, vibrant, healthy and very alive. In the dream I was busily cleaning the house or doing something very agenda driven. She kept trying to get me to stop and talk with her and I kept saying I was busy and she'd need to come back a different time. She finally said, really emphatically, "We only have a little time left. Stop. I have to talk to you." I stopped.

She brought out a long, narrow jewelry case, blue velvet, and gave it to me. As I opened it, she continued, "I've wanted to tell you for a long time how proud I am of you. You've fought for your marriage, you've been really patient and loving with Jrex (mostly), you've made a good life. I'm proud to be your mother and wanted you to have this. We won't have any more time together so I wanted you to know how much I love you." It was a beautiful necklace. When I looked up, she was gone.

I haven't dreamed of her since.

I have no philosophy of dreams. I'm not sure of my theology around them. Most of them feel like random firings based on events of the day. Every so often there are some, like that one, that feel 'real', feel significant and weighty. In the Bible there are many people who have significant dreams. Joseph was told not to divorce Mary in a dream. He was told to flee to Egypt in a different dream. In my life, there have been four or five life-changing dreams. Each felt like an amazing gift. Three happened on my journey out of fear, each marked a juncture where certain fears were conquered (and subsequently didn't have the same power over me in real life either).

On a more humorous level were the dreams while Jrex and I were dating. We'd known each other briefly during college and started dating long-distance. As he became more and more important to me emotionally, he started showing up in my dreams. Except my sub-conscious mind didn't have a template for an Asian man. Seriously. Sometimes he'd be an old white guy, sometimes a young guy, on rare occasions even a woman. In the dream world, there was often an announcement feeling, "This is Jrex for now, ok?" I'd shrug and go along with it. It really felt like my brain just grabbed the first 'skin' it found. None repeated, none felt like a substitute, just a template for the sake of working through any emotional scenarios. Once I moved to the same city and started seeing him often, he began to have his own skin on in my dreams. (MUCH better, I must say)

All this is to say, I haven't yet dreamed about Brex. I can't figure out why not. My main theory is that he's not doing anything that requires an untangling by my brain. No emotional stressors or complicated feeling. Sure it's hard when he's crying, but it's usually a fairly logical deduction to find a reason why and solve the problem. The other possibility is that I'm not getting deep enough sleep and therefore having 'shallower' dreams in general.

Is anyone else a lucid dreamer? Do you rarely remember even having any dreams? (if not, do you have a theory why not? I find that as interesting as the content of a dream.) Do most mothers dream about their children? (I would imagine the answer is yes?)

100 days

Apparently yesterday (Saturday) was Brex's 100th day of life. The only reason I found out was that all of a sudden I got a flurry of text messages, voice mail and email from Mom K. We were in the middle of cleaning for a dinner party so we didn't hear the activity until it was too late to respond.

In Korean culture, a child isn't celebrated fully until they reach their 100th day. Historically, unfortunately, many kids didn't make it that far. Mom told us that she was hosting a lunch celebration after church, that her pastor was going to pray for Brex and that they were going to sing for him, too. I felt bad that in Brex's immediate surroundings there was no celebration. Rather I wore him in a pouch while vacuuming and mopping. He's lucky he survived his actual 100th birthday!

This morning at church I decided I should do something to honor the occasion. I took Brex down front after the church service. After snagging the worship leader (who is Korean) and the pastor, I asked them to pray for Brex. I'm always happy to get prayer for him, but today I mostly did it so I could tell Mom K that I'd done it. As a side benefit, it was a great way to introduce myself to the worship leader. She seems really cool and seemed to enjoy being able to talk Korean culture without having to explain things. She tipped me off that hulu has a Korean channel and that a Korean drama that we watched with Mom K in California has a sequel. She suggested we also check out "Thank You". It's a K-drama about a little girl who gets AIDS after a blood transfusion. It's a HUGE deal to have any Korean show talking about AIDS at all. It's not Angels in America, but it's a start.

When the pastor prayed he did the whole prayer and didn't really leave room for the worship leader to pray. In the evening when Jrex and I were discussing our day I expressed my disappointment that she hadn't been able to pray, too. "I wanted a Korean to pray for my Korean kid for such a profoundly Korean occasion." Then it hit me (I'm a little slow sometimes), "Wait! I DO have a Korean on hand!" Jrex laughed and then we prayed for our kid.

Happy 100, Brex! May there be many, many more.

Sorry about the hibernation!

Without planning on it, I've been avoiding the phone and most media since my last post. I/we worked through the pros and cons about working or staying home and are opting to go with the daycare that we found (that's a whole 'nother post...). He starts tomorrow and I think I've just wanted to spend my time either with him or reading a book (when he was sleeping). Overall I feel really peaceful with the decision, but that doesn't mean I wasn't wistful today as I watched him napping.

Because this is how I am, I put together a dossier for the daycare. It's even laid out (like a professional designer created it or something. A designer who is actually looking forward to designing things again...) Thought you'd be amused at further evidence of my anal streak...

The skinny on Brex

Schedule

1. Not yet on a set time-based schedule. (willing to work with you to get that in place)
2. Based on when he wakes up (anywhere between 6 to 7:30 AM), he eats every 3 to 3 1/2 hours after for the rest of the day.
3. Overall pattern: eat, awake time (including as much tummy time and bumbo seat time as possible. He shouldn’t be lying on his head except to sleep. Trying to fix his flat spot...), nap time.

Naps

1. He sleeps well in a swing. Up to 2 to 2 1/2 hours.
2. Half the time he sleeps well in the crib, the other half he screams for 20 minutes (or more) before falling into a fitful, relatively short nap (30 to 60 minutes). We’re trying to get him to nap easily in the crib, but it’s become challenging in the last two weeks.

Soothing

1. Generally likes music and sound effects. They work well for distracting him.
2. If gassy, prefers to be held vertically
3. Unfortunately, in the last week he’s seemed to develop separation crying if someone else holds him too long. Call me if I should come down to help ease him into daycare more gradually...

Pacifier

1. We don’t force it, but when he starts chewing on his hand, we try to replace it with the pacifier (trying to avoid thumb sucking).
2. For the first hour after eating, he seems happy without the pacifier, but then gets more and more fussy without it. Definitely prefers it when he’s going to sleep.

Cloth Diapers

1. We’re not fanatical about cloth, so if you need to use regular diapers on him at any point, that’s fine.
2. Make sure the diaper fabric is tucked into the diaper cover in the back and around the legs. Anywhere the diaper cloth touches his clothes, the urine gets wicked up onto his outfit.

Breastmilk

1. Generally drinks 5-6 oz per feeding. Will supply bottles each day.
2. He’s been fine with formula when we’ve needed to use it.

Healing at home

The surgery went well. In the post-op room they kept asking me if I was ready to wake up and go into the recovery room. I kept mumbling, "No, I like sleeping." On the way home, Jrex commented that for a 20-minute procedure, it was amazing that I was gone from 9 AM til 2:30 PM. Hmm...

An incident from my breastfeeding class this summer continues to echo throughout the childbirth and motherhood experience. During the group class which included spouses, the teacher brought out sample nursing bras. One of the guys exclaimed, "Wow, so no more Victoria's Secret, huh?!" That phrase has continued to ring in my ears as each non-glamorous phase occurs.

While in the recovery room, still somewhat numb from drugs, I freaked out when I felt moisture on my stomach--I thought I'd burst my stitches. Two seconds later I realized it was milk dripping down. (Sorry for the TMI!) I asked the nurse to get my pump from Jrex in the waiting area. Now, for those who may not know, the motors for nursing pumps are LOUD. Once I finished pumping the room rang with absence of sound. I wanted to call out an apology. And in the back of my head came the echo, "No more Victoria's Secret, huh?"

Bonus Day!

When in the womb, Brex had a pattern where for a couple days he'd barely move and I'd freak out that something had gone terribly wrong, and then he'd have an active day where I wished he'd calm down. I know, I know, never happy, right? He's continued that pattern. Three days ago he would NOT nap. Today? Awake for an hour, nap. Over and over. Then he was still happy to sleep for the night (so far). Tomorrow is my hernia surgery, so I'm hoping we both get a good night's rest.

That's not the bonus though.

When the mail came, we received a huge box of local, Texas citrus, pears and chocolates. From our realtor and his wife! I think his wife sort of adopted us since we moved here and had the baby right away with no family in the area. We're so humbled by their generosity. Looks like we'll have dinner guests in January!

That's still not the bonus.

On Monday, Brex and I wandered down the street to the daycare I'd mentioned in the previous post. It's small, but all the kids looked really happy. They kept crawling into the laps of the woman who runs the place and her helper. The assistant stayed late just cause she wanted a chance to hold Brex. Let's call the director Blondie. I actually met her last fall at a neighborhood barbque and wrote her off as a total flake. Yet watching her loving, gentle approach with the kids and how content the children seemed in her care, I decided that maybe she talked my ear off because she's with kids all day? Anyway, Jrex is going to go down there with Brex tomorrow after we get home from the hospital. I need him to weigh in on which version of Blondie he sees: flake or nurturer.

Beyond all that, part of my hope for my weekend in bed is to spend some time journaling and praying about the bigger picture in terms of career/babyland/part-time/freelance/etc/etc. I need to know that I know I'm supposed to do what's next. I don't want to spend Brex's life second-guessing whichever option we pursue. Jrex is being very patient with me thrashing around trying to figure it out. I was reminded today by a dear, trusted friend that each marriage has to be interdependent. That each spouse stands alone before God before deferring to each other. I need to check in there first before forcing Jrex to be the fall-guy for whatever decision we make.

Not the bonus (obviously).

We've had major contractor drama around getting estimates for roof work. Back and forth since August! In the end, my Dad recommended that we get a clean estimate from a roofer we select (every other one was recommended by either our realtor, our insurance guy or our contractor). I followed his advice and ended up selecting the roofers who'd done our neighbor's house. I called them yesterday to find out when they were going to do the roof. They asked if they could drop off material this morning and then do the work on Friday and Saturday. Sure!

The doorbell rang today at 6:45 AM! Yikes. After the guy dropped off the materials (Class 4, hail resistant shingles. Yee-ha for Texas weather!), a bunch of Hispanic guys started to gather. Next thing we knew, they were working on the roof. As they started working, Muttola bugged me to go out. Well, obviously the back yard was out of the question, so I bundled up the baby and set forth to the park.

When I walked back in the door, the phone rang.

"OTRgirl? Congratulations! This is J with the roofing company. You just won a free garage roof!"

I was confused, "I thought we didn't include the garage in the job?"

J laughed ruefully, "We didn't. I stopped by to check in with the crew just now and they'd already started tearing up the garage roof by mistake. I didn't want you to look out of the house and see that and get worried."

"Will there still be enough material to do the porch roof?"

"Yup. Merry Christmas!"

Bonus!

Oops!

I didn't mean to take a month off!

The truth is dawning on me: I blog to escape and/or analyze my life. Slow afternoon at work, but I need to stay on the computer and be available? Read some blogs. Something is itching at me mentally? Blog about it in order to process it. Feeling restless and wanting to skip to the end of whatever phase of life is passing by? Troll the internet so I feel like I'm going somewhere.

Well, now that all the family is gone and we have December with just the three of us, I don't have any of the above 'needs'. Somehow, being Brex's mother has stilled the restlessness in me. If I try to jump ahead to the 'next' phase, I'll miss the one he's in now, and I don't want to do that.

Each day feels like a gift to have him and have the chance to be on this side of the Mom line. In terms of crossing that line, I'd mostly given up (most of the time). My thread of hope was tattered and I didn't let myself picture what it would be like to be a Mom. In contrast to when I was younger and just assumed I'd spend most of my life mothering, I'd shifted to avoiding the kids' sections of stores, not cooing (too much) over baby shoes or hats, and tending towards friends who didn't have children.

It's strange and good now to be going to the '2011 playgroup' (went yesterday for the first time. Collection of very nice alpha Moms and fun kids.), to find out about the nursery at church, to gush over fat little baby feet and edible baby cheeks. I have a bone deep contentment that I'm finding surprising and very welcome.

Which leads to my current dilemma: daycare! Ugh.

I'm supposed to start work January 3rd. I haven't found an option that really works. There's one near the house that feels like a baby warehouse to me. Nothing terrible about it, but it didn't feel happy either. The workers looked like they were putting in time at a job. In the building next to Jrex's at UT, there's a daycare that felt a LOT happier, but that's a 20-minute drive. I hate the idea that if I'm doing the pickup/dropoff, I'll waste an hour and a half a day in driving. If Jrex takes him, I hate the idea that I wouldn't see Brex from 7 AM until 7 PM. That's unacceptable to me. There is a daycare at UT that only does admissions in August. That one is amazing, but we may or may not get in, and we need a solution in the meantime. My hope would be that by August, Jrex could come home a little earlier in the evenings and that I could do the morning drop off. I'm following up on one lead for a home-based daycare right down the street. I'll visit on Monday and see if it's a fit. She makes organic food for the kids and only takes 6 at a time. The review said that she's a great middle-ground between a nanny and a traditional day care.

I've reached out to a cool stay-at-home mom a block away and will see if that pans out. I would love to have someone like that bring my kid into her fold (I'd pay what I would to a daycare, but feel MUCH better about it). Obviously, I don't have much time yet, so I'm freaking out a little about that.

Of course the bigger question is whether I should jump on the mommy-track. The problem with being a designer and doing that, my computer skills would become obsolete VERY quickly. It seems a bit short-sighted to throw away years of amassing skills when it's unlikely I'd be able to get back into the job force as a 50-something graphic designer.

There's a teaching position I may apply for, but it's at a school that's a 50-minute drive from here. The position calls for teaching four classes on a tenure-track. As much as teaching sounds like a great fit with parenting, I'm not sure that particular job would be the right pick. I'll likely go through the application process just to get my portfolio up to speed, plus it will give me an idea if I'm at all competitive in the academic arena.

Other tidbits from the long silence:

• OTRbro and OTRdad came for Thanksgiving and cranked out a bunch of home projects. OTRbro found out that he actually liked the blob phase (or at least Brex's version of it).
  
• I've already ruined Brex. Due to his sleeping position, his head has flattened out on the right back side. Sigh. Now I have to wedge him with rolled up towels to make him sleep on his side (something a daycare is unlikely to do!) Those baby helmets cost thousands of dollars and aren't covered by most insurers. Ugh.
• After the 2-month pediatrician visit, I became the mommy torture queen. Not only did I stop swaddling him to sleep, I had to do the towel bit AND give him lots of 'tummy time' (a.k.a. "baby-scream-his-lungs-out time"). All to try to give him a lifetime with a head he can shave without shame. Poor Mom K worked her butt off to keep Brex happy and content so he'll develop a good personality, only to have me come along and trash it all!