April 21, 2011

Now is the paranoid time

I'm at 15 weeks. There's another woman at work who is due two weeks after me and she looks pregnant. Granted, she started a little more voluptuous, than me so when she gets even curvier, it's more obvious. For me, if I gain a cup size, it's NOT significant since bigger than not much is only a little. ;-)

The point being, I'm not showing yet at all. My pants no longer fit, except the baggy, drawstring ones, but that's easy to chalk up to bloating (there's PLENTY of that!). The nausea is still there, but it isn't as bad as it's been. It's a little too easy to feel like it's all in my head or that the baby has stopped growing. Last week when we got back from Texas, I was convinced that since things were going well, something had to go bad; I called my doctor and asked to come in to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The nurse has a slow morning so she let me sneak in before work. The doppler microphone they use is a little wand that gets pressed into the stomach and has to get mushed all around to find the tiny little heart (size of a pinky finger). Four LONG minutes of deep sea ocean sounds followed before she finally found a little whump whump whump sound. 145 bpm--all good. Now I have two weeks to go before the amnio and ultrasound. I'm trying to just trust that everything is fine, but it's HARD!

Tuesday I chatted with an old college friend who lost her 36 week old baby two months ago. They'd known that the baby had a severely underdeveloped heart, but were hoping for a healing. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Given all the grief surrounding such a loss, she and her husband are doing remarkably well. They've truly pressed into God's grace together in an amazing way. It makes me feel sad that it's so hard for me to do that. I guess it showed me how much I still have trust scars in my relationship with Him. Not just from the miscarriage, though that's a significant part.

My Mom always used to say that she loved God, but that she didn't trust him to do her good. It made me SO mad growing up. He was so obviously good and took such good care of us (we never went hungry and the mortgage always got paid) that her lack of faith felt like an affront to my seven year old heart. I get it now. Enough battering from life and it's harder to trust that the way I want things to go is the way He intends.

It's especially poignant this week. Historically, this is the week to remember Jesus' last week before he got killed by the Roman occupiers. On Sunday, he entered Jerusalem to the loud shouts of an excited crowd. They greeted him as a conquering hero: throwing their coats down so he wouldn't touch the ground, waving arms and palm branches. In their minds, NOW the Romans would be kicked out. NOW God had sent the Anointed One to make things right. NOW was the time for their liberation. Well the second two were true, but Jesus' target was much bigger than what his people could see in front of them.

When Jesus proceeded to get arrested on Thursday night and then get beaten by both the Jewish leaders and the Romans without fighting back, their disappointment rose up and they vehemently cried out for him to be crucified on Friday. Given a choice between him and another rebel, they picked the other guy. It really hits home for me, what do I do with my expectations of Him? How do I interpret his promises and how do I assume it's supposed to look? And then what do I do when it's not what I'd hoped for? What's the deeper stuff in me that He's trying to expose and heal? How often do I just keep moving and numbing and hoping the lesson will fade away instead of requiring me to wade through toward resolution?

Much of my life for a long time has been about waiting. Pregnancy just takes that to a new, more intimate level. There's nothing I can do but trust, though trust and hope are painful places to dwell. Yet in this place, there is healing that God wants to do in me. As I write this, I'm realizing that. May I press into grace in the way that my friend has been.

It's certainly the right week to do that.


Christa said...

You are only a couple weeks away from being able to feel those first fluttery baby movements. To me it was a such a relief to be able to feel movement. It definitely continues to give me peace of mind at 25 weeks.

Lori said...

My heart really goes out to you; I always expected to love being pregnant, but - at least with the first one - it was an anxiety-ridden experience from beginning to end. In one sense, it probably helps to prepare you for the need to trust and hope that punctuates parenthood - I mean, they're never 100% safe and you can never control everything, you can only hope that things will go well in the end. Children - both born and not-yet-born - have a way of driving home our vulnerability, but just the knowledge of it is kind of it's own strength.

FWIW, because I'm overweight and tend to wear baggy clothes, I was fully 30 weeks before anyone realized, really, that I was pregnant and not just fat. Second time around, though, I looked pregnant from about the third week and just got more massive as the weeks wore on. ;)

And, as Christa says, feeling movement is it's own weird and wonderful experience.

Don't go online. For any reason. That was my downfall. I spent the whole first pregnancy imagining every. possible. bad. outcome. Turn away from the screen. ;)

otr mama said...

I love Lori's reply to you! I share your concerns and vulnerable thoughts. But you are so far ahead of many people because you can relate it to God's pushing you to a closer intimacy with Him.

When pregnant with my 1st one, I worked at a hospital and the nurses gave me a little going away party a couple weeks before she was born. None of the MDs realized I was expecting till that night. And I laugh when I see those hip hop guys strut slowly across the street, because I used to stick my belly out as far as I could and take my time crossing streets, and the infuriated car drivers never suspected. On the 2nd and 3rd baby I popped out enough to be in maternity smocks by the 3rd week! Not to mention that I never went rock climbing.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the pregnancy! I can imagine how stressful and anxious this time must be. I hope that everything continues to go well.

Inkling said...

I'm with you on this and I well remember feeling very much the way you do right now, and that is why I've been praying for you and just exactly the topic I've been talking about regarding you and this little one when I do chat with Jesus about you.

Anonymous said...

It is the beginning of the end. Your body will not be yours for a long while. Your heart will never be yours again.
You have to trust in the Lord because he stays the same through all the changes that are coming. I remember when your mom felt this way about you. She did not have the internet (oh my).
Trust in His love for you and this baby that He has given you. We love you maybe not as much as He dose but close. Share/talk with someone about how you feel, it helps. jj

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, above, has profound comments. Wiser than I could offer. This is the other Anonymous.

You have a traditional take on the politics of Good Friday. I've always been troubled by the notion that the majority of Jerusalemites did a 100% attitudinal flip-flop about Jesus in just five days.

I've outlined another play -- Caiphas and Pilate -- which is based on another set of assumptions: First, as was the practice, Pilate borrowed Herod Antipas' Jersualem palace because Herod was out of town. (It was much nicer than the bleak Fortress Antonia. Note: Neither Pilate nor Herod lived in Jerusalem. They stayed away as much as possible.)

Second, the majority of the Jerusalem population still firmly backed Jesus.

Third, there was only as small square in front of Herold's palace. (Fact, not an assumption)

Fourth, because of the limited space, Annas and Ciaphas were able to pack it with Sadducees, Pharisees and hired rabble. Thus, they blocked out the people who supported Jesus, and all Pilate heard was "Crucify him! Crucify him!"

Pilate understood completely that the priesthood was forcing his hand.

So, on Tuesday after the resurrection, Pilate meets with Caiphas and notes that the priesthood has committed a crime against Rome that is so rare that it doesn't even have a name. But, this gives
Pilate leverage to exact concessions from the Sanhedrin.

And one of the concessions is that from now on the Sanhedrin must itself try and punish blasphemy. Caiphas feigns reluctance, but in fact he is delighted -- it's the very demand he wanted to make.

However, Pilate exacts the concession out of malice. He knows that from now on the priesthood will weaken is authority with the people by executing the followers of Jesus -- and Pilate will be above the fray.

Thus, this arrangement sets us the situation for the stoning of Stephen. In contrast, the Sanhedrin wanted to stone Jesus, but did not have the authority.

Anonymous said...

Two typos in the last two paragraphs. They should read:

However, Pilate exacts the concession out of malice. He knows that from now on the priesthood will weaken its authority with the people by executing the followers of Jesus -- and Pilate will be above the fray.

Thus, this arrangement sets up the situation for the stoning of Stephen. In contrast, the Sanhedrin wanted to stone Jesus, but did not have the authority.