November 2, 2012

Promises, promises

Since Brex's birth, I've been skimming along life's surface. In my time with him I feel deeply alive and love being with him, but the rest of the time, there's too much to do to really feel or think about much more than the daily to-do list. When work gets busy, I don't even have time to read other blogs or do any thinking.

I had time to read some blogs today and two posts  got me thinking about the need to delve into the emotions I'm avoiding. I don't know if I'll be able to do a post each day, but I think I might try.

Snickollet is trying to do a post a day. It sounds like she's in a similar position where the busy moments of life get in the way of introspection. Until she got hit by a truck.

One of my local friends has been blogging about her time in the Solomon Islands as a missionary. They were there to craft a New Testament in the local language. She raised and home schooled four kids while her husband worked on the translation. After many years in the field, she found out her husband had a porn addiction. Then, the organization found out. That story is unfolding on her blog:

The problem for me is that much of my emotional journey right now is intertwined with stuff with Jrex. He's a private person and I don't want to air any of his dirty laundry while trying to wash mine. Yet we don't have much time together to discuss any of this (part of the emotional pain). It's been part of the complex brew that I've been avoiding.

The stuff I've avoided thinking about and therefore the topics I'm hoping to explore:
  • honesty/openness vs 'secrets' vs privacy: where's the line? What's a healthy boundary given my personality and Jrex's?
  • my feelings around church and attending it without Jrex
  • how to raise a kid in a family when the answer to "aren't you both religious?" is "it's complicated"
  • the logistics of balancing any church commitment with family commitment when they don't happen in the same place at the same time
  • dealing with discipline for a one-year old
  • the craving to do something totally non-demanding and how that saps whatever time I have to do anything constructive
  • how to do family time when one's husband just wants to watch sports on the weekends
  • how to do couples time when babysitting is expensive and being house poor impacts our comfort in spending any money
  • how long it takes to achieve emotional intimacy with other moms (time together being full of the distractions of little destructos)
  • dog neglect and the accuracy of Jrex's predictions on that score
  • continuing insecurity that if it's not funny or witty, it's not worth publishing it on the blog 
  • overall blog identity crisis: who is it for? Given the FB option for getting news out, is there a purpose? I'm hoping that using it to do some emotional delving will help give it a reason to exist again

The only way to begin is to begin, right? So. This is the beginning.


Snickollet said...

I am so looking forward to your thoughts on all of the subjects you listed. It seems like we are in a similar place emotionally right now, and you brought up some things that are on my mind that I hadn't yet been able to articulate.

Here's to a rich exchange throughout the month of November!

Rachel said...

I think blogging is so much deeper than FB. I hope you continue writing, and I'm thankful that you are sharing your journey with us. I can often relate to your struggles, like balancing your husband's need for privacy with your own need for self-expression.

Mizasiwa said...

Hey there - I am so glad that both you and Snickollet are planning to blog on a more regular basis...seems like a bout of the 'what is this my lifes' is going around ;-) and I would love to explore these thoughts on my blog but im still negotiating the question 'how to blog on blackberry question...' a few things did strike me though on your list - the one was the mention of how difficult building relationships with othe mothers is... i think Iv mentioned this in one of my previouse commens as something I have found extremly difficult - my husband has been saying for years now that 'this too shall pass' but i ever really agreed as i have always struggled to build relationships but this year in that respect anyway has really reached a turning point. that said my son will be 7 in December so I hope you are MUCH MUCH more successful that I have been...We went out together with other adults our age for dinner drinks and dancing for the first time in 7 years this saturday - it was sureal to be out till 2 in the morning and to have actually been ablet to complete full thoughts never mind sentences ;-)
I too share different religious practices and thought to my husband and this has been a problem for us to. And I think this is the third point but since im struggling with lack of sleep right now I could have miscounted but "the craving to do something totally non-demanding and how that saps whatever time I have to do anything constructive" I have learnt (and its a hard lesson I keep having to re teach myself) I must give myself time to do the non constructive things as if I dont my time will be totally messed up by thoughts of those non constructive relaxing things and you also risk feeling resetment of not getting that time... So much to say I wish now that I did have proper internet so that I could figure this out in my own voice...but reading your and Snickollet's blogs is definatly going to help I think... you guys are such a source of strenght to me so I hope you feel the love I am sending you both <3

Mizasiwa said...

oops its a blog post - sorry :-(