May 17, 2012

What wasn't there

After years of posts about Mothers' Day and countless conversations with friends about hoping to be a Mom someday, the obvious question of the week has been, "How was your first Mothers' Day?"

It should be an easy answer, right? Well, sure, it was a good day, but it didn't feel any better or worse than most days. We went out for brunch and had to wait half an hour for a table. By the time we sat down, we were into Brex's naptime so we didn't get to linger. We managed to keep him happy with bread shreds, but once those ran out, so did we! Home for naps for all three of us. After playing with Brex and then putting him to bed, Jrex made a lovely dinner of fresh halibut and tomatoes accompanied by roasted veggies from our Urban Farm basket. We chatted and then watched a movie.

All quite lovely, but not earth shattering or life changing.

Last night I shared with Jrex my struggle to put words on how Mothers' Day felt. I'd just had a conversation with a friend who adopted a sibling pair three years ago. Over the years we've bonded over emotionally supporting depressed husbands, being childless, and waiting and praying and waiting some more. Obviously she wanted to know what it was like now that I've borne a child. I tried to share that in a good way, I'm finally able to take Brex and motherhood for granted. That I'm very grateful to have such ordinary splendor. It didn't come out right.

After listening to me, Jrex said, "This Mothers' Day wasn't about what you felt, it was about what you didn't feel."

Click. Finally! He put words on my emotions for me.

For the fifteen years of our marriage, every Mothers' Day (except last year) has been sad. First because my Mom had cancer, and then because she was dead and then because I wasn't yet a mother. NO fun. Going to church became excruciating since they usually did something Mother-friendly.

This year? I felt contentment. Bone-deep and 'take it for granted' solid contentment. Despite the cliché I thought was propaganda by women trying to convince themselves, I DO love every minute of this gig. I miss the little guy when he's sleeping, I'm excited to pick him up from day care. So Mother's Day was just another good day in 7 months of good days (let it be acknowledged that a huge reason for all this is that Brex is one of the most mellow kids on the face of the earth; proof that it's not just me being a fond mother is that the nanny in California said he's the most mellow baby she's ever worked with. If I had a tempestuous, energy-draining kid I know I'd be grateful, but whining a lot).

For a Mothers' Day that was quietly, deeply good, I'm more grateful than I can say. And for tempestuous emotions that I didn't have to endure, I'm grateful. For a husband who knows me well, obviously grateful.

Flowers from my Dad

For the fact that my blog has devolved into a Mommy blog? Slightly embarrassed, but still grateful.


Elizabeth Harper said...

I'm so glad to hear Mother's Day has some peace and contentment for you now. I can imagine to a degree some of the emotion you may have felt each year without your mom and without the baby you wanted.

Your Mother's Day dinner sounded amazing!

Monterey Jack said...

You had another great title in your text: