Jrex is back in New Y0rk. His Mom still can't decide what to do. This is the one week where his sister and he are there together with their Mom. So, it's the one week they could make Dad comfort care and let him die together as a family unit.
I called Mom this morning to see how she's doing. Yesterday she said she gave up, she was ready to let God take Dad, but this morning she had a dream which she interpreted to mean Dad would be healed. I shared that with Jrex and he says she's done this cycle five or six times already. Dad has a bad day and she's ready to give up, then she has a dream, or reads a scripture, or someone gives her a phone number for a faith healer, and she's back into holding on mode.
I feel like an evil vulture to just be waiting for her to give up. What's wrong with me, why can't I jump on board the 'jump out of bed, Dad!' boat?
Too much experience? Listening to Jrex and the 'medical view'?
We've had so many conversations around all this. Christianity and the definitions of 'life'. Why do Christians resist dying so much when they have hope of eternal life? The Baby Boomers and a culture of entitlement being translated into how they die (or resist it). How few people in this country have been exposed to the dying process. The reality that if Dad is kept on the vent, then the means of his death becomes a septic bed sore or a super-killer pneumonia. That our friend who's a rehab doc has seen 15-24 year olds come out of month-long comas and go home, but never someone over 65. (any counter stories? Please comment!) And between now and then, it's endless rounds back and forth from nursing home to Emergency Room. (He's back in the hospital now after three days in the nursing home.)
It's all a big mash up in my head. All I know is that I feel so sad every time I think of Dad K being trapped in his body when he said repeatedly he never wanted this.
Last night, OTRdad called me and asked for an update. Then he prayed with me for Mom and Dad K. He saw a picture of Dad K right now being the chrysalis and his death releasing him to become the butterfly. I shared that with Mom K this morning, and she said, "I know. I know both sides." There's so much confusion around her right now. Such heavy decisions on her shoulders. Dad never wanted this for her since he knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.
This really, really stinks.
Of course, this means my blog has become a total downer. Welcome to the vulture's nest! Come on the death watch with me. It'll be FUN!