August 11, 2009

Drifting Along

Jrex is back in New Y0rk. His Mom still can't decide what to do. This is the one week where his sister and he are there together with their Mom. So, it's the one week they could make Dad comfort care and let him die together as a family unit.

I called Mom this morning to see how she's doing. Yesterday she said she gave up, she was ready to let God take Dad, but this morning she had a dream which she interpreted to mean Dad would be healed. I shared that with Jrex and he says she's done this cycle five or six times already. Dad has a bad day and she's ready to give up, then she has a dream, or reads a scripture, or someone gives her a phone number for a faith healer, and she's back into holding on mode.

I feel like an evil vulture to just be waiting for her to give up. What's wrong with me, why can't I jump on board the 'jump out of bed, Dad!' boat?

Too much experience? Listening to Jrex and the 'medical view'?

We've had so many conversations around all this. Christianity and the definitions of 'life'. Why do Christians resist dying so much when they have hope of eternal life? The Baby Boomers and a culture of entitlement being translated into how they die (or resist it). How few people in this country have been exposed to the dying process. The reality that if Dad is kept on the vent, then the means of his death becomes a septic bed sore or a super-killer pneumonia. That our friend who's a rehab doc has seen 15-24 year olds come out of month-long comas and go home, but never someone over 65. (any counter stories? Please comment!) And between now and then, it's endless rounds back and forth from nursing home to Emergency Room. (He's back in the hospital now after three days in the nursing home.)

It's all a big mash up in my head. All I know is that I feel so sad every time I think of Dad K being trapped in his body when he said repeatedly he never wanted this.

Last night, OTRdad called me and asked for an update. Then he prayed with me for Mom and Dad K. He saw a picture of Dad K right now being the chrysalis and his death releasing him to become the butterfly. I shared that with Mom K this morning, and she said, "I know. I know both sides." There's so much confusion around her right now. Such heavy decisions on her shoulders. Dad never wanted this for her since he knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.

This really, really stinks.

Of course, this means my blog has become a total downer. Welcome to the vulture's nest! Come on the death watch with me. It'll be FUN!


Anonymous said...

It should be more of a "life remembered" not a "death watch". The week with Grandma was very difficult, but also there was a release as well. To know that she is at rest and out of pain is one joy. To know that I will see her again is another. My prayers are with you and the K's.
Aunt Country Singer.

OTR sister said...

I wish there was a clear way to allow God to heal if that is meant to be but still accept and embrace the end. Does our faith have to be a necessary ingredient for a miracle?

Sort of like, "God, feel free to interrupt at any time here, but I'm planning on saying my goodbyes."

Poor Mom K. All the K's. Love you.

Liz said...

I wish there were something I could say that would help. You, James, and both your families are in my thoughts. May you all find peace and clarity soon.

Aimee said...

I've been wondering about you all. It's not easy. Please don't feel like a vulture. I think you're just being honest. All of us want to hold on to the people we know and love, but knowing how we will face eternity is such a comfort, as well.

It's not easy for any of you. (((Hugs)))

OTRgirl said...

It's 11:23 pm and I'm still at work. Project dump from London at 5 pm, due at 7 am: InDesign and PPT presentation. Still have 2 to 3 hours on the PPT to go.'s not helping!

Snickollet said...

So many memories, not that what I went through was the same, but your writing does bring a lot back for me. Can you feel my waves of empathy?

Thinking of you and yours.

Cristel said...

I remember when your mom called to tell me that her doctors told her she had 6 months to live. My heart jump, and the first thought I had was that she was going to met God and when. That has stayed with me, the certainty,and has help as I see others on their way Home.

Inkling said...

Your blog isn't a total downer. After all, there's the hope of eternity. And I appreciate your authenticity so very much. Praying for you guys.

swallow said...

Wow, so hard... you are far from a vulture... you are so clearly writing your empathetic comprehension of the many layers to the situation and the ways that all the members of the family are trying to make meaning of the situation. Thinking a lot about you both, and about Mom & Dad K.

Mama Nabi said...

I'm so sorry that this is dragging on... I wish there was a way for him to wake up long enough to say the necessary goodbyes. Seems that's what Mom K needs in order to let him go. Sigh. Hugs, thinking of you and JRex... and Mom K and the rest of the family. Perhaps take Mom K to a quiet church, when there's no one, so she can clear her mind and say a prayer/goodbye in a peaceful sanctuary..?