August 20, 2012

Hormones Suck

Once a month I have a couple days where my mood dips really low. Whatever matters most to me in my life feels doomed and horrible. In high school, I'd vent to my Mom. After a while, she'd gently ask, "Where are you in your cycle?" Of course, I'd flounce away completely offended that She Just Doesn't Understand Me! During college, I'd feel like I was the worst painter in the world. While Jrex and I were dating, I'd tell him we had to talk and then I'd paint a doom & gloom picture of the state of our relationship. At first he tried to have a rational discussion, but (wise man), he eventually learned to just listen sympathetically and not really respond much. A day or so later I'd say, "Gosh, I don't know what that was about!? I mean, everything I said was valid, but it felt so life or death and now it's not that big of a deal. Weird, huh?" He'd just nod and smile.

Yesterday was Sunday (in case you weren't paying attention). Since I'm still looking for a church, Sunday just highlights that I don't have a place to feel rooted, I don't yet have a deep Christian network here, Jrex isn't at church with me and I don't know where to bring Brex in order to experience both God's love and rich community. Hormones aside, it's become a challenging day for me. Well, yesterday, I walked out mid-way through the sermon. It just felt empty and futile (not God, just the church hunt process).

When Jrex came home after hanging out with some friends in the evening, he offered to just sit together and talk. It didn't take long before I was teary and expressing how much despair I felt about Everything. He just listened. Eventually he looked tired, which of course meant He Just Doesn't Understand Me! I left him to watch football and went upstairs, Hurt, Sad and Alone.

This morning it occurred to me that, while there is validity in the emotion, perhaps it's hormones that are inducing the thrashing, raging despair.

It truly gives me sympathy for people who's brain chemistry is out of whack all the time. It's horrible to feel buried alive by Life. Most of the time I feel resilient and able to handle curve balls. These few days of fragility and wrath are quite disorienting. I also haven't had many of them since getting pregnant, so last month and this month caught me by surprise.

Looks like things are getting back to normal... I'm SO excited!

Do any of you get involuntary crazy days? It's been 28 years of this, you'd think I'd figure it out when the wave is cresting, but EVERY time, I only figure it out as it ebbs.


Anonymous said...

I totally have those days...usually for a good full week. Even my trainer has noticed..those seem to be the days I am totally discouraged about the whole process. Then she reminds me what is going on :) I think we just get the hang of recognizing it right about the time menopause starts kicking in with it's own basket full of mood swings and hot flashes. Oh the joy!


Lil'Sis said...

Feeling your pain on this front, it's been more evident as I've gotten into my late 30's, but I found that with the more obvious symptoms I at least have a short window of time to prepare for the onslaught, a few years ago I didn't have that. Hang in there sister!

Anonymous said...

you poor thing! you do come by it honestly. wait until a sister calls (aunt a) and you ask that question where are you in your cycle? i'm so glad we were not in the same room. it would hurt. jj

Rachel said...

Yes, we used to have a big fight about once a month. Hormones are huge. I also had some post-breastfeeding lows. Now, thanks to Mirena, not so much. :)

Inkling said...

I so hear you. I can only imagine the patterns people like you see if you read my posts on a regular basis. Back when I was writing more regularly, I bet it was especially apparent when I was a hot hormonal mess. So embarrassing to admit. But so true. At 38 I still haven't learned to live WITH them, following the ebbs and flows in a way that allows others to live peacefully with me without me eating them alive. (My husband will attest to that quite enthusiastically, longsuffering man that he is.)