February 23, 2011

What's done is done

The moving decision is made . . . and, not shockingly, it’s Dallas.

For a while now, Jrex has had a persistent gut sense that the choice was going to be Dallas. Last Thursday, Jrex heard from the guy in P0rtland that everything was in progress, but he didn’t have the paperwork done yet. Basically that P0rtland email crystallized for Jrex the fact that he needed to trust his gut (and the fact that I was getting the same gut sense, even if I didn’t want to listen to it) and that the choice was Dallas. The directors of both programs are good friends and are both straight shooters, so we thought it would be better for Jrex to just call them both to let them know the choice was made. That way P0rtland could stop all the logistics they were doing to get him lab space on top of the hill, etc.

It was SO hard for me to fully commit to that decision. I just didn’t want it to be true. I took some time yesterday to process everything. I wrote down what I’d hoped for P0rtland and what I feared about Dal1as. Then I wrote out key decision points in my life and how the Lord had led me and what the consequences were. For college, I decided between Oberl1n and Hampsh1re. On paper, Oberl1n made more sense. I could have come home on weekends when I needed to, my best friend was going there and it’s a great school, but Hampsh1re gave me a much better financial aid package, so I took that as the sign. And the town Hampsh1re was in had an amazing church that truly saved my faith as I worked through all the philosophical debates of college life.

Choosing to date Jrex also took me away from a known network. Matching in Rochester (which meant 3 more years there for Jrex after the 10 he’d already been there) also led us to an amazing church that started that next year. It gave me healing retreats and friendships with a fantastic group of artistic Christian women. Then in Baltimore we thought we wanted a row house with no yard work and instead the Lord led us to a house with a tree house and wisteria (i.e. LOTS of yard work), and we loved it. We discovered a gift for hospitality we hadn’t known we had. All of that reminded me that when I’ve trusted the Lord, even if it didn’t make sense on paper, there were great things that happened.

So I’m feeling better now. Still sad and will still have some grieving to do, but glad the decision is made so we can move ahead.

One comforting thought is that for family vacations we're hoping to rent a cabin in Crater Lake, or near Mt. St. Helens, etc. and let my family and OTRmama and her daughter know when we’ll be around so they can join us for a chunk of the time we’ll be in the area. It’s not the same, but feels better than nothing right now!

It's good to have the decision made. We even worked out dates for the move and Jrex's start date (July 18th and August 1st, respectively). I've emailed the realtor. It's all in motion now. Despite all mixed emotions at the moment, in the end it will be good.

Thanks for your support and listening during this process.


Snickollet said...

Congratulations on making a big decision and coming to some peace around that. I have so much respect for the thoughtful and pragmatic way you approach these decisions, and there's much for me to learn in your ability to be open to the path that doesn't seem to be what you want in the moment.

I'm of course disappointed that the decision is not Portland, but this isn't about me :). I certainly wish you and JRex nothing but happiness and prosperity. Dallas is sure lucky to be getting both of you.


Anonymous said...

I am sure Dallas will hold many unexpected joys for you and Jrex. I will pray for peace to settle in you both in the midst of the transition time.

Lil'Sis said...

Congratulations, I loved how you laid out the process in your head...for me figuring that out is the toughest part, and letting go of the anxiety it involves. Really happy for you all getting to move forward and excited about all the adventures that lay ahead for you!

lots of love,

Rachel said...

I'm glad that things are settled, even though it sounds like you are a little bit disappointed. I'm sure you will find things to love in Dallas. It sounds like it was the right call for you guys.

Good luck with your move!

Mizasiwa said...

Hi, thank you so much for 'leading' us throgh this decision process. It has been amazing to 'watch' I am sory that you didnt get Portland and I hope that the grieving goes quickly. I am a terrible griever and once the decision is made even when I can see how the Lord has lead me there I always land up being a brat! I can learn so much from you!! All the best for your and JRex's transition period!!

Inkling said...

You know, as much as I hated to admit it, the same gut feeling for Dallas has been in my head all these weeks. It just kept feeling like that's where you would end up, even though it meant leaving "granola territory" which didn't seem to make sense. It must be a relief to have that decided and get some forward motion going, even though there's sadness mixed in too.

Somehow I keep thinking that God has some (or maybe multiple) divine appointments arranged for you in Dallas that will hugely impact your life in a good way. I don't know where that sense comes from for sure, but it's been in the back of my brain for awhile now.

I'll be praying for you guys as you get the moving process going and as you transplant the roots of your marriage and individual lives once again. May you find some unexpected sweet and refreshing experiences in the coming weeks.

otr mama said...

.... you can still end up in Portland. God is like that.