April 5, 2008

Some musings (with apologies to grammar and spelling police, I'm too brain dead for such things)

On a quiet Saturday, with a husband in lab, a dog asleep in the sun and a laptop open when it should be my journal, I saw this over at Rev Gal Pals:

With this Sunday's gospel reading in mind, that wonderful revelation of Christ to the companions on the Emmaus road. I wonder where you might have been surprised by God's revelation recently.

How has God revealed him/herself to you in a:

1. Book
This isn't recent, but it's what jumps to mind. Three years into our marriage, there was a Sunday morning when I was ready to leave Jrex. I was figuring out places to stay, thinking out an exit strategy. I went to church wanting the Lord to tell me stay or go. Through a friend He told me instead, "You're stronger than you know. Keep clinging to Me." Not the answer I was looking for. At home, Jrex was watching TV. I wanted to just avoid him, but when I prayed I sensed I should take my new book and just sit next to him and read. The book was The Sacred Romance. As I read, I was reminded about the difficulties of life and how much God wants to shape me through them. I stayed and kept hanging on and kept praying. I can't believe how different what we have and who we are today is from what little we had then. I'm grateful for that book being the reminder from God for me at a huge crossroad in my life.

The Mission is such a tragic movie, and a reminder for me of the tension I always have of defending myself, pushing, or trusting the Lord to defend me. And a reminder that in this life, sometimes none of those choices lead to happy endings. Yet the world is still worth loving and there is still beauty in it.

3. Song
There's a Matt Redman song with words, "Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise. When the road's marked with suffering, and there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name." And then the bridge is, "You give and take away, you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your Name."

The time I experienced the Lord most profoundly through that song was at a wedding. The man who was getting married was a pastor. His mother was dying of cancer. They'd actually bumped the wedding up two months to make sure she could be there. His Mom was on oxygen, sitting in a wheelchair. Hair and makeup perfect, her Korean hanbok worn with pride, she was there. And they sang that song as part of the service. At his wedding to a wonderful woman, his mother panting behind him, he sang with tears, "You give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, Blessed be Your Name." The whole church was sobbing through the song.

I sort of think that faith isn't really faith until you're tempted to give it up but choose not to. That's when it matters. When it's the thin thread holding you through intense darkness. We all believe in God in some form when we stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon or on a mountain in Tahoe, but in silence or in a "No" when you are desperate for a "Yes", faith is an extremely difficult choice.

4. Another person
I can't even count the many amazing people who have been Jesus with hugs or words or prayers. Lately though, it's been through Jrex. Who loves me in the midst of all my flaws and who chooses to extend me grace. I know for a LOT of women they've chosen to stay with men and the investment hasn't paid off. I'm humbled and awed at the marriage we have today. And the fact that we both know how differently life could have turned out just adds to the depth of gratitude.

5. Creation
Thursday morning I woke up early and actually spent some time with the Lord instead of rushing off to work. I lit my candle, but turned to face the sliding door to the patio. Outside in the navy dark of the sky there was a sliver of moon clinging to the round of it's shadow. Somewhere in the quiet of that time, I felt like a pool of rest and order was restored in my soul.

Bonus answer: your choice- share something encouraging/ amazing/ humbling that has happened to you recently!
Honestly, having this whole show taken from me has been really good. I was starting to get driven and arrogant about my abilities. Somehow this has reminded me that it's much more about the people I work with and for. They're always more important than any project. This show is destined for garbage, but each person matters for the rest of their lives and beyond. And that's where I need to invest. The show will get done, but not at the sacrifice of the people I care about, even the ones at work.


jen said...

it's good that you are back where you belong. :) don't leave.

Inkling said...

I love this post. And it was good to read it, for it encouraged me to do the same and think through where I've been seeing God lately. I used to have a pastor who would ask, "So, what's God been whispering in your ear lately?" Well, that pastor is a few thousand miles from me, and I'd been forgetting to think on that question. So thank you for the reminder.

Snickollet said...

Wow. Thank you. I needed this today.

jooliyah said...

#3 made me tear up.....because it's so true and because i've sung the same refrain in my head to get through some difficult things. i love that song.

with the new baby, i won't be able to really be part of worship for awhile and I'm in the midst of mourning that a little. but this post helped to remind me that there are lots of other ways to draw close to Him. thanks.

OTR sister said...

Beautiful post.

Mama Nabi said...

Thank you... of course, your musings blow away my 'deep thoughts...'

Anonymous said...

wow. thank you for sharing. i was really touched. i love that song too. and i'm so inspired that your marriage has weathered so much to get to where it is now