Crazier and Crazier

The work drama! Holy camoly.

Snippets:

• Had second interview yesterday with a family-run company. Very salt of the earth, with an interesting chance to help them build their brand for a new generation. Should hear back end of day or tomorrow. Right now my prayer is that if it's NOT what I should be doing, that the door would close. I'm kind of scared they might make me an offer! It's just so different than everything I've been doing that I'm scared it might take me off the career path. That said, would that be a bad thing?
  
• Just spoke with our Global Head of Creat1ve about shifting from full-time to contract. He basically told me he'd love to steal me and sign me up for a one-year contract. I'm supposed to get him the numbers and make a proposal. I asked about titles and he said I could call myself whatever I want, but right now, he's looking for an Assoc1ate Creat1ve Director (which essentially means someone who's still willing to touch a keyboard). So, I could potentially double my salary, but the work he has for me is all in New Business Development and MarCom. Do I want that?
  
• My co-conspirator is going to tell them today that he doesn't want to stay. They don't know that yet, but I do. He has an offer in-hand from another company and he's in conversation with the company headquartered here in Dallas. The same one that Go Go Woman has been talking with me about. He told me to call them because the San Fran branch might be willing to have me working for out of the Dallas office. So that might turn into a full-time offer. The issue there might messing up the slow train with Go Go and Chicago. However, that train is so slow that I've really stopped waiting for it! My buddy would LOVE to have us move together and keep working together.
  
• I want to freelance so I get in the door with local agencies. It sounds like I could stay so busy that it would never happen! That's a fantastic problem to have, but doesn't help with getting connected with people on a local level.
   

So, total change to a new career path?

Same company, different role, lots more money, same stress?

New company, same functions, same stress? 

Sheesh. I'm off to do some math... Please chime in with any thoughts. I suspect that no one is particularly interested in all this except my Dad, but if any of you are still checking in, I need the sounding board!

Curiouser and curiouser

While getting ready for yesterday's job interview, I had an odd sense of calm. The 'little voice' (God's quiet nudges) kept telling me to not stay up too late, not stress too much. For the most part, I listened.

Even while getting ready, I just didn't have much 'juice'. I kept thinking, well, if I get this one, it'll be like the story of Gideon where God kept taking away all the props that would have let him say he won the battle on his own. My go-to outfit needed hemming, my backup outfit didn't seem right for the company. I got that sorted and arrived with about 7 minutes to spare before my appointment.

I'd been told there would be two people in the interview; there was just one woman a couple years older than me. She started right away with this, "I hope you don't mind that I went ahead with the interview. The position you applied for is already filled, but honestly, that wouldn't have been a good fit for you. I wanted to meet you and talk through your work. I thought about calling to let you know, but I didn't want you to opt out! Is that ok?"

What do you say to that?! I was gracious, but kind of bummed.

She wanted me to walk through my portfolio. I have it all set up on 'my' iPad (I plan on returning it within the 30-day window...cause I just don't want to own one.) For last week's interview and this one, I tried to figure out the five key stories they need to hear. Last week was all about the big, sexy, fun ideas. This week was more about my capabilities for corporate clients. It's nuts that I have to spend a few hours prepping a new document for each interview. (OK, OK, 'it's' not nuts, I am!)

Here are some of the snippets from our conversation:

"Your work and thinking are very strong. You know you're not really an art director, right?"

She'd worked in California, too, so I could ask her about that, "Yeah, I'm starting to get the sense that in Dallas an art director is just a glorified graphic designer?"

"Exactly. When I hire someone from design school, they are a junior art director. You're working at the level of at least an Associate Creative Director, but really, you could be a Creative Director without a problem. If I were you, I'd consider freelancing in town for a while. Speaking from experience, if you go straight from a California company to a Dallas company, you're in for a lot of culture shock. It's better to get a sense of the players before you commit to one place. I think you could stay very busy as a freelancer. Would you mind if I tell people about you if I hear that someone is looking?"

Of course! I asked her about the need to 'tone it down' as a woman leader in Dallas culture. She nodded emphatically, "You have no idea! Not only have I worked in LA, I'm from Chicago!" I cracked up as she continued, "They had no idea what hit them. Eventually they realized my assertiveness was all on behalf of the client, so they stopped taking it personally and got used to me, but it was an adjustment for all of us. It helps that only 10 percent of our company are Dallas natives."

In the end, it was a great talk, she wants me to keep in touch, seems like someone worth meeting for lunch every month or two, and I'm really bummed I don't get to work with her (yet)!

I'm also bummed that I need to rework the website and redo my business cards. My Dad wants me to pause and rethink everything. What would I do if I had $100,000/year for the rest of my life. If money were no object, what would you do? I need to think about it more, but I think I'd still do design; perhaps teach it in underserved schools (after buying computers for the class) or do design for non-profits, etc.

In the meantime, given that it's nice to be paid for my expertise, I'll likely spend more time thinking about how to retool my 'brand'.
What do you think about the presumption factor? I can easily claim the title of Art Director on a business card, but calling myself a Creative Director is a bit of a leap. Do I put my current title: "2D Exper1ence Designer" and explain that it involves art direction and creative direction and that I'm seeking a job as a CD?

This definitely helps explain why it's been hard to find a good fit, or even get interviews. I'm overqualified for the job title here. It's amazing to get such a strong vote of confidence, but I'm intimidated!

My review

Good news: Brex is in daycare today. He woke up 'in his right mind' vs the screaming banshee with flailing arms that we've dealt with since Sunday. The reason that's perfect is that I had my review call with my General Manag3r (GM) and our VP of Creat1ve (VP).

I'd told GM that I wanted to find out what I had to do to become an Associate Creat1ve Director. I've been nervous since then because the VP posted some things on our company Chatt3r group about why it's impossible to have remote creat1ve teams. The irony is that before I moved here, I completely agreed with him! Every time my company tried to force me to work with rem0te creatives, I kicked, screamed and whined.

I didn't get the promotion. But...here was the feedback (and yes, I took notes. Don't judge)

• You have a wonderful, 'can-do' attitude that's refreshing
• You have the poise I look for in a leader
• You're a strong communicator. In fact, there are many times when yours is the main voice in the brainstorm, why is that? (I gave a few answers: I'm an extrovert, faster at thinking on my feet, depends who feels ownership, personality of the other guys. The irony is that I've been impressed with myself lately because I've managed to draw out tangible answers from my guys!)
• You need to raise the level of the Big Ideas that you bring to the table. Throw some pasta on the wall.
• We have a new Creative D1rector coming in. Right now you have amazing rapport with your current team, how do we build that with the new leader?
• We need a plan to keep you in the heartbeat of the studio, especially if we start adding new people to the team.
• You are incredibly special and we want to keep you involved, this isn't a way of trying to manage you out. You bring a value that's intense and we want to keep you.

In terms of wanting the promotion:

• Being remote is the biggest hindrance.
• We look for three elements in a creative leader: Outward (being the lead in the eyes of the client), Being a partner to client services; Being a creative leader to the staff.
• If you were still in the area, you'd be in the position. You have it all. 

So I responded, "I have a proposal then."

"Great, we love proposals."

"Let's give it six-months with the new leader. See how it goes. I know it will mean I need to travel there frequently. I'm willing to do that. Then after six-months, let's evaluate with him if he thinks this might work."

They agreed. In fact, the VP added, "I have to say, before meeting you, I've been completely opposed to any creative working remotely. You are challenging and breaking the mold."

I laughed, "The problem will be that if I do it others will want to as well!"

He chuckled, "I'll just write up the OTRgirl model for rem0te creat1ves and no one else will ever measure up."

In other good news, after giving me a speech about how our company didn't meet its objectives and how they took a cautious and aggressive approach to any pay increases, they gave me a cost of living adjustment as well as a bonus. Sounds like most people aren't getting either.

I'm feeling good! Well, despite having caught the cold Brex dished out, and despite having a TON of work to finish in the next two days.

So now, back to the drawing board (literally).

Threads

It's happening again. High School. College. Baltimore. Here. I'm not sure how it happens, but I seem to end up collecting friends who don't necessarily connect with each other. I did have a group of friends in high school, my art room/punk rock crowd, but I had others who didn't fit in there.

In college my four closest women friends were each in different circles of friends, but didn't click with each other. Through them I'd hang out with their circle, but I wasn't consistently part of the core.

Why the pattern? I'm using this blog to try to puzzle it out.

Thanks to my parents and our unusual 'third culture' upbringing, I learned to get along with many different people. I don't fully understand it myself, but I'm able to go deep emotionally with people in different arenas. In college, one friend was a prayer partner and someone who helped process dating relationships. Another discussed music, the creative process and books (and also dating relationships). A third asked intensely perceptive and challenging questions and we shared deeply about our family histories, spirituality, fears,  hopes (and guys). My fourth friend grew up in another country and we talked about race, about how to communicate, about family, religion and food (and relationships). 

The exception to the pattern was Rochester, I moved there after graduating from college to see if Jrex and I should get married. He was already part of a close-knit church which I joined. He had roomates who each married within a couple years of us and we hung out with them and their wives (and eventual children). When we switched to a different church, we hung out with groups of friends from that church. One of the joys that came out of that last year in Rochester was becoming best friends with two women who were also best friends with each other. Jrex called us "The Triplets". It was refreshing to have close friends who knew each other, too! All exceptions to the overall pattern.

In both Baltimore and California, most of our friendships came as I got to know people and initiated relationships. The exceptions were Jrex's group of fellow residents and lab mates. With them we'd join an overall group, but otherwise, we had a motley and fun assortment of friends.

Our developing friendships here feel like yet another collection. We have couples we really enjoy who don't necessarily enjoy each other. For Thanksgiving we tried to do an Orphan Thanksgiving gathering with two other couples, but I don't think the two couples want to hang out with each other. Instead, we met with the one couple this past weekend and will also see them next weekend and will do Thanksgiving with the second couple. It means we get lots of variety, but we don't have a default 'crowd' to see on a regular basis. Obviously, my church hopping has only added to the collection pattern!

I wonder if it relates to the part of me that always wants to find out what's next. I was always nervous to even audition for a play because, if I got in, it would confine my social world for 2-3 months. I'm not sure why a default group makes me feel a bit trapped (any ideas?).

I can't regret being a relationship magpie since our lives have been profoundly enriched by our wide variety of friends, I'm just trying to figure out if it's driven by healthy or unhealthy instincts. Why do I feel trapped if I'm only going to see the same people all the time? What am I protecting myself from? (I was in a toxic 'group' in junior high. Have I been avoiding that ever since?)

Curiouser and curiouser...

This Old House

"It's beautiful!"
"What a wonderful house!"
"You must love living here!"

This house certainly looks beautiful, the location is perfect for us, the flow and ability to entertain are amazing.

But...

"Ma'am, I have to tell you that what's happening with the wires in that crawl space is dangerous. We need a whole day down there to fix it."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to say, I can't tell what they were thinking in how they did the plumbing for that bathtub. I've seen home owners do a better job themselves. This is terrible."

"We can't tell if we should build the deck to match the house, which doesn't have a straight line, or just do it right."

"Ma'am, we cayn't put gutters on thayat porch. Looka the line thare, your whole roof is droopin'. Lewks like thay removed a support post to get a betta view out of the livin' room windas. Ya'll need to add a steel beam up thare to reinforce thayat roof first."

From what we've gathered from neighbor gossip, here's the recent history of this 100-year old house:

1. Mother / daughter lived here with the house in the Mother's name. Mother gets Alzheimer's. Daughter comes home from work to see the house on fire and mother sitting on the porch roof. Mom set the fire. No insurance coverage since the home is in her name.
2. They sell to a Flipper. Flipper runs out of money to even get the house back in sellable condition.
3. DIY Cabinet Maker buys it. His Mom lives a block away and she and her daughter stopped by and told me that when he bought it, there were holes in the front porch, the front door fell off when they tried to open it. He lovingly rebuilt it from chaos. What he knows well, he did well: the redone hardwood floors are gorgeous, we have an amazing coffered ceiling in the foyer and the oak cabinets all over the kitchen are bomb-proof. What he didn't know and shouldn't have touched? Electric, plumbing and roofing. One neighbor said, "Oh you bought one of DIY's houses. He put them together with duct tape and bubble gum!"
4. He sells to a gay couple. B&M completely redo all the non-wood interior surfaces. They get rid of an upstairs bedroom and put in a RIDICULOUS Master Closet. We don't know who updated the Master Bath, but assume it was B&M. All finishes and fixtures are gorgeous.
5. We buy an old house that feels totally updated and move-in ready. Based on the home inspection we knew we had to do some foundation work and get the roof replaced. We also wanted to tear off the porch and put on a deck.

But...

We're slowly having to replace and repair essential yet hidden parts of the house. Doing things right that will add NOTHING to the resale value of the house (rebuilding the front porch, redoing the electrical system in the crawl space, etc). We don't know if B (M left him) knew all this and didn't declare it (and is therefore open for a lawsuit) or if he really just left because his heart was broken. Jrex is opting for the conspiracy theory as the evidence mounts. We're not into suing people, but it's a nice mental valve to think we could.

The latest drama is that we found a huge water bubble coming down the back wall. Long story short, the plumber just left. He found the leak in the spa tub in the master bath (how pretentious that sounds!!!) and was able to shut off the valve. He got to that via a small access port in the side of the tub wall. However, some bright person put structural beams right in the middle of the opening. Our home warranty covers the plumbing repair, but not the cost to create access. Our home insurance has a $3000 deductible. We doubt that the cost to repair the downstairs ceiling and wall and repainting will add up to that much so it becomes an out of pocket expense. For this month that's in addition to the out of cost expenses for my second round of hernia repair and body work on the car (which are also out of pocket).

My sister was wondering why we feel poor given our total salary as a couple. Well, every month has involved a few whammies like this since we moved here. We keep having to dip into savings rather than add-to savings. It's very stressful.

Talk about first world problems, right? Yet all this means that we can't afford the vacations to the mountains that we promised ourselves as part of surviving a move to Dallas instead of Portland.

Am I overspiritualizing if I'm hoping that the big picture story of this house and our time in it will be one of redemption? I was hoping that would come in the form of us doing foster care, or at least being a safe place for Brex's future neighborhood friends. Before we can get to all that, it looks like the house itself is in need of redemption and healing! We keep hoping and praying that the money pit will stop growing and that we'll be able to dwell here and enjoy the house without always feeling like we're on shifting sand.

So far, not so much... Try to ignore our grimaces when you come to visit and say, "What a lovely home, you must love living here!"

Coming up for air

I've worked 61 hours since Sunday afternoon. I'd worked on the RFI (Request for Inf0rmation) for Big Korean Tech Company (BKTC) a couple weeks ago. When we got invited back for the standup, I tried to say no to helping put the presentation together. After being promised that all my paying client work could go to freelancers and I'd only work on the RFP (Request for Pr0posal), I was sucked into the worst clustery project so far.

Anyway, that's all over and everyone in the office is doing a scramble tonight and tomorrow to put the pieces together so that one of our VPs can take the finished booklets and other detritus with him to K0rea tomorrow. I'm OUT of that tunnel.

Tomorrow I'm taking a comp day and will try to avoid the computer all day and all weekend.

We have no plans, but right now, that sounds perfect.
=====================================

In other exciting news, our back porch is being torn off the house!

 

That red circle is around the part of the 4x4 post that held up the roof and was tenuously held together with nails and paint. One of the first thoughts I had when we saw this house was that it's perfect, but the back porch has to go. We thought we'd have to save money for a few years first, but thanks to all the life transitions in one year (move+baby+house+home office), we received a tax refund that more than pays for a new covered deck.

Not only will we end up with a 17 x 12 foot deck, with a roof and ceiling fan, we're using Garapa wood for the deck boards and a built in shelf. Garapa is a sustainably harvested Brazilian hardwood. It lasts for 50-60 years and only needs to be oiled every couple years. It contains silica and therefore is as hard as concrete. It's supposed to be gorgeous. I'm hoping it works as a file for the dog's nails!

 

Another side perk is that while they're working on the back porch, thereby forcing us to park in front and use the front door, the city has torn up the side street facing our garage driveway. So, two reasons we'd have to park in front are happening at the same time. Score!

The city is repaving the road after digging it up to work on the water mains. The good news is that the baby can sleep through the sounds of back hoes, bulldozers and power tools, the bad news is that our fence, front porch and all our trees are covered in dust. Looks like I'll be doing some power washing and staining in the fall! Want to come for a work holiday?

The overarching goal is to get the deck (and the yard?) done for Brex's first birthday party. The first birthday is a big deal in Korean culture and it would be fun to have a progressive party. If people want they can come early for the Korean ceremony (dress him in Korean outfit and have him pick an object that supposedly indicates his future destiny), then we'll do an open yard party in the back yard and serve Korean food.

===========================================

In the gratuitous baby photo category: here are a couple photos from my birthday. We visited the Modern Museum in Ft. Worth. Outside the museum there's a 68-ft Vortex sculpture by Richard Serra. When you stand inside it and clap, melodic echoes clamber up the sides. We brought Brex inside. While he was skeptical at first, he quickly grew excited by the noise.

My brain is exploding

I waiver between tossing up posts that just say that we're alive and give you some tidbits of our lives, however shallow, or taking time to delve into my emotions and write from a deeper, more emotional place.

Frankly, it's hard to find time to delve. Of course, for me, it's also hard to find the motivation.

Here's the list of things I need to think about (but usually avoid instead):

1. My brother-in-law, Jrex's sister's husband has been battling throat cancer. They went in Monday morning to try to remove the tumor, as well as his voice box, and closed him back up. The cancer has spread to his neck bones. Their daughter is 7-years old and I just don't know how to wrap my head around it. I don't know what to do for them except pray. While I'm doing it, it brings up arenas of doubt and disappointment. YJ calls and talks with Jrex for an hour or so multiple times a week. When I've answered the phone, she's quick to ask for him. I remember not having emotional energy for most people when my Mom was sick, so it doesn't feel personal, but it limits how much direct involvement I can have. I don't know what they've been telling Sogna and she's a little young for me to be able to call just to chat with her. I'd love to go visit, but Jrex is also stressed about finances, so that doesn't seem doable either. 
2. Finances. We're both making very good salaries, yet feeling strapped. A lot of it is the house. It's beautiful, but takes a lot of maintenance and help to keep it that way. Plus, gas/electric/water here costs almost as much as the mortgage payment, and we didn't anticipate that. I'm doing what I can to try to be even more frugal, I'm open to selling this house in a couple years and down-sizing, I've raised the thermostat, I'd love to plant drought tolerant plants and cut down on watering, but there's only so much I can do in the meantime.
3. Finding a church. Sundays have become really emotional for me. It's hard not to have a 'home', to not have a sense of at least beginning to be rooted somewhere. I'm totally freaked out about raising a son in the midst of all my searching around. I want a community who will have known him all his life and it's already passing so fast. It's hard that Jrex isn't part of the process. If I find a church where I really encounter God, I come home excited to tell him and he just listens tight-lipped and silent. It breaks my heart to not be able to share our faith walks in any profound way together. It's become so private for each of us. Part of the ache for me is that I've usually had a group of women to talk and pray with at least every other week. I love the women that I've met with, but we don't really dive into active prayer together and I'm craving that. I've got three possible churches that I'm thinking about, but it's often easier to stay home and avoid the emotional journey (which doesn't help in the long run).
4. This one feels less emotional, but I do keep debating whether or not to do  freelance. If so, I need to crank out some design work, make phone calls and start attending area design networking events. It seems like WAY too much hassle at the moment.
5. Vacations. Jrex is desperate for a vacation. We haven't really had one since we did Vancouver and Whistler three years ago. After that, his Dad fell off a ladder and we dealt with all that, then Jrex went into publishing his paper, applying for jobs, deciding on a job, moving, and now starting up his lab. He's FRIED (understandably!) and that's part of his bitterness about the house. Because we can't easily drive to any mountains, our vacations now inherently involve flights, car rentals, hotels/cabins/etc, kennel for the dog, and food costs. We're used to driving somewhere, bringing our own food and sleeping in a tent. Budgeting a few thousand dollars for a vacation is disheartening when it's hard to get money into savings. 

Our current cheap vacation thoughts: We're thinking of doing a staycation in October and then maybe driving to Big Bend for Christmas week. We could  bring food, the dog and all the baby gear. I found a little solar powered cabin with toilet and shower that would be as close to camping as we could get. We can't bring the dog into the national park with us so no lodge for us... plus, Jrex needs mountains, hard hikes and solitude for recharging. It's "only" a 10.5 hour drive through flat, stale and yellow desert. If we were younger, we might try putting the baby in the car seat and driving all night.

I think that's it. Nothing much, right?

No wonder my blog posts have been shallow and infrequent!

Riding the Wave

We've moved enough times that I'm familiar with my emotional arc:

1. Get excited about new possibilities
2. Revel in the shiny newness of it all
3. Rave about how WONDERFUL it all is
4. Notice that patterns I'd hoped would change haven't changed
5. Realize that I still don't have any close friends in the new place
6. Feel like it's not THAT great
7. Get depressed
8. Wallow
9. Find more activities, connect with people and eventually figure out my place in a new area
10. Get restless and ready for something new
11. Sigh

Last week was relationally rich. Friday night Jrex was busy and I had dinner with Two Mommies from daycare. Sunday we had dinner with another lung researcher, his wife and their two children. We attended the Dallas Wind Symphony with our realtor and his wife on Tuesday. Which meant Brex experienced his first official babysitter. Fortunately the Baby Whisperer from daycare also does babysitting, so he was perfectly happy to wave us out the door. As a bonus, when he heard our voices at 11 PM, he managed to roll over onto his stomach while still in his swaddling! Friday morning Bible Study was good. Ordinary life and ordinary joys.

On Sunday I went from general contentment into the slough of despond.

Jrex and I had talked on the drive to Texas about what kind of church he could imagine attending. I found one that seemed to fit the bill. However, Jrex usually has too much work to do, or hasn't wanted to go (still wrestling through his God stuff). Which means that even though it's a good church and full of wonderful people, it doesn't feel like enough for me. If we went together, I could make it work. If he's not joining me, I'd rather be in a more charismatic church. In the past ten years I've discovered I'm a kinetic learner who connects more with God if I can be in motion. So I tend to enjoy churches that have a block of music/songs with no interruptions so that I can really dive into things with the Lord. It helps if no one will care if I'm dancing and/or crying. I've visited various churches in the past month which means I don't have any relational continuity except with Jrex, Brex and the people at the daycare.

This Sunday it seemed right to go back to the first church just to connect with people. The service was fine. The sermon was ok. After the service, I ended up talking to one of the two people I'd hoped to see but then left church feeling really depressed.

The sense of being disconnected, alone, friendless and generally woebegone is a familiar trough. It doesn't help that Jrex is as overwhelmed as he's ever been in his life. He's plugging away and doing everything he can, but we don't have much time or energy to work through any of our deep issues, or even for me to lean heavily on him with my emotions. As part of this wave, I tend to expect him to function as my only close friend and he's just not enough. Every time we move, I do this to him. Poor guy. He doesn't change, but my NEED for him changes. As I build a better relational network, the weight of my emotional needs gets spread out more. Right now though, it must feel like he's dragging a lead weight around.

I've been hanging back from doing things by myself in hopes that here, now, in our long-term house, in our long-term neighborhood, with our long-awaited child we might finally start doing things together. I'm tired of being the solo married woman and being neither fish nor fowl at social gatherings. Now I'm also a mom and so even more of an odd ball when I'm out by myself. Yet Jrex is an exhausted introvert. So we have a pattern of two independent lives with random overlap. Part of the slough is discovering that despite all the big changes in our circumstances, that looks to be staying the same.

Rather than just wallow in my depression, I emailed the two women I'd wanted to chat with and asked if they wanted to meet for lunch. After meeting with them yesterday, I feel better. They are both such genuine people that it feels like I can just be myself and be loved as I am. It takes time to build common ground and if I'm not going to the church and not able to be at Bible Study all the time, I'm not sure how quickly that will happen, but it's worth the effort. I've signed up for a Mommy's Night Out at a local art store and for three months of 6 AM 'bootcamp' at the park two blocks from our house. In addition, I'm reading The Marriage Plot for an upcoming neighborhood book club next week. I'm considering joining the local chapter of AIGA to get involved in the local design community.

In a bigger picture, there's a profound difference in our family patterns playing out in all this. The K family went to church or went to other family's homes for dinner or food. Otherwise, they spent time at home. Even their home time was quieter than ours. They watched TV, ate, visited with each other and did homework. My family went to the movies every weekend, we met other families for dinners, we volunteered at various places, visited lots of churches (my Dad often spoke at different churches due to fundraising for his housing ministry), went to art museums, to the park, theater, ballet, opera, and community council meetings. It seems rare that we spent more than two evenings in a row at home. Even when we were at home, since we didn't have a television we spent most evenings playing games, reading books, and building things (and of course, every child's favorite pastime: fighting!).

I'm just realizing how I've expected that 'something' will happen for Jrex to want more action. In our 15 years of marriage, at times I've waited and hung back in the hopes that we'd do more together, then became impatient and did things by myself, then grew wistful as I did them alone. Back and forth. Thrashing around trying to figure out what shape life is supposed to have. He remains fairly consistent through all of this. He's fine if I want to go do things without him, happy to have me around if I don't, happy to have a couple people for dinner, happy to go to dinner with a few other people, fine with house guests, he's just too drained to leave the house on the weekends to spend time with strangers.

It's all normal. Normal emotions after moving. Normal conflicts for extroverts and introverts. Normal adjustments. I just thought there might be a new normal this time. Remind me of this post the next time I start talking about moving as a solution, ok?

Trust your gut

One of the reasons I enjoy direct contact with clients is that I often get an intuitive sense for what needs to happen next. We had a call on Friday afternoon with a client who needs an identity for an event by tomorrow. He was full of 'strategy', but none of it translated into visual terms. Having gone through a hellacious process last year with a different strategist, I've learned that the best thing is to get a bunch of visuals in front of them and see what sticks.

Monday morning, while waiting for the client to give us art direction, I started pulling images for four concepts I thought could work for the show. He wanted 'anti-trade show': nothing traditional. No booth rentals, no vinyl signs, no bright colors. In the meantime, my fellow 2D designer had come up with a concept that he was really excited about. When I mentioned my deck, he didn't think it was necessary. I discussed it with our 3D designer who was lukewarm. The truth is, this is all a bit muddled since there's also a creative director working on the experience in the booth, so my deck crossed the line a bit. When we met with the client, it was just the 2D designers and our instructions were to use a specific font, specific font color and specific background color and 'have fun exploring'... Really? Whatever.

In the midst of all that, I almost didn't finish my deck. Our other 2D designer sent out a nice 4 page PDF while I was still assembling the PowerPoint (the client LOVES PPT, even though as a designer, I hate it). I thought that he'd come up with something that made a lot of sense from a conceptual level. My ideas seemed much more about 'interior decorating' and less about a strategic concept so I felt fairly insecure about them. Yet, I felt like it was the right thing for that particular client so I ended up sending it at the end of my day to our client services person to forward if she thought it best.

In the meantime, Jrex was struggling with whether or not to apply for a certain grant. If he won the grant, it placed restrictions on how much time he could spend on other projects. He was hearing from various people that he should apply, but it wasn't sitting well in his gut. As a result, even though the deadline was beginning to loom, he'd still not asked for recommendation letters from his usual suspects. One of the great things that U T has set up for him is a requirement that he meet 2-4 times a year with a mentoring committee. He's got three amazing guys: Optimist, No BS and Middle Ground. When he met with them on Tuesday, No BS immediately asked why he was applying for the grant. "Your CV is amazing. You should be applying for an RO 1 (one of the biggest grants available from National I nstitu tes of H eal th). This will tie you down. Forget about it."

Jrex was really excited after that meeting. Middle Ground said during the meeting, "This is amazing, I wish we'd had this system in place when I was starting out." The three mentors all seemed to enjoy spending time together talking science. Obviously, for Jrex, it's wonderful to get more experienced voices helping him think about the bigger picture. It was yet another degree of confirmation that we made the right choice. The P ortland program had no peers for him in l un g research only some other clinical people. These guys are all hard-core scientists.

On my end, throughout the day on Tuesday the client service rep kept forwarding feedback from the client. He really didn't like my coworker's idea. Of mine, he didn't like the first one and liked little bits here and there from the rest of the deck. He really liked an idea I had for creating relatively open 'cabanas' at the edges of the trade show space. They allow for more intimate conversations and gatherings, but open into the common area for the big end of day speech by the guru.

In the end, for both of us, it was a great reminder to trust our guts.

Getting to know you

We went around the room doing introductions: a labor & delivery nurse, a stay-at-home Mom, a Mary Kay rep (and great-grandmother) in her 80's, a single woman who is a Counselor, a Grandma, a Mom/part-time finance person (with three adopted children), Counselor/Mom, Mom, Mom, and then our fearless leader. This group has met for years on Friday mornings: a tight-knit group who've mostly lived in Oak Cliff all their lives. I was invited to join them by a woman at Tyler Methodist.

I joined the study in the second week. They're going through a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus". It's a study of the book of Luke that takes 18 weeks. After a warm welcome, the group had a lot of questions for me:

"When are you due? Two weeks! My goodness, you're tiny. What are you having? Where is your house? How long have you been here. Are you working?"

"Where's your mother?" (this from the labor/delivery nurse). I answered, "She's been dead for 14 years." With a sympathetic shrug she continued, "Well, maybe it's a God thing you're in this group, we're all happy to help with baby stuff!"

Other women chimed in, "Yeah, I have a 14-year old and a 17-year old who love to babysit. Heck, I'm underemployed right now, I'll come babysit!" "Bring the baby to the group, we'll all love to take turns holding him."

After years of being one of the 'old married people' compared to many of the people in my small groups, being in a group of women that includes a great-grandmother (with fiesty red hair) is wonderful. I also loved that the discussion was very earthy and authentic. It didn't feel like 'Southern Hospitality' where there's a facade of warmth, but then people are stuck with masks (stereotype, I know!).

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One of the other things we did with Mom K was to go to a neighborhood bbq in the next block. The hosts were a lesbian couple with twins (one has my first name, the other has a variation on my middle name. Easy to remember!). We sat across the circle of chairs from them and Mom K kept thinking that the guy sitting next to the couple was the Dad. It must have taken 10 variations of me or Jrex saying, "No, it's the two women in the red baseball hats. They're the parents." She also thought there were a lot of housemates there, she didn't realize they were all gay couples.

One of the older gentlemen at the event is actually Santa Claus. He drives a red car with a vanity plate and does dozens of gigs each season. Apparently he really decks out his house, too.

We found out a ton of gossip about our house. They called the guy two owners ago "Na zi Ni ck"; I didn't find out why because his mother was chatting with another group nearby, but I'd met her and she's a really interesting woman who's originally from Germany. I HOPE the name isn't a reference to her heritage, cause that would be really lame. Especially since the woman who was telling me was also going on and on about the super-organic day care that she runs. She called the most recent owner "Daddy War bucks" because he was bald and poured so much money into this house. When we explained which house we'd bought, many of them exclaimed, "Oh! You bought Big Brown!"

I guess this is the joy and the craziness of a "real" neighborhood, huh? People have been here for years and know each others' histories. I wonder what nicknames we'll end up getting? Probably "The Slackers"! We were informed that our street goes nuts with Hallowe'en decorations and Christmas--we've NEVER been good with that. The guy across the street from us does a hearse filled with dry ice, people drop off car loads of children to trick-or-treat our street. I think that this year we have a valid out due to the baby, but I guess we'll be in trouble if we opt out in the future. Guess we still had better stock up on candy, huh? Mom K will be back with us for Halloween this year. Should be fun (and very amusing).

It was strange to go from that BBQ to the Bible study. For the area within a few blocks of us, we have one of the bigger houses and seem like 'rich' people. A little further north in Oak Cliff, there's an area called Kessler Park that has really big mansions, rolling hills, and a golf course. The Bible study is in a house just off the golf course. In that group, I'm definitely NOT one of the rich ones. (Note: the houses below ARE in Kessler, but they're much bigger than the house where the study is...)


We went to a pool party yesterday to welcome new faculty. Jrex was one of the guests of honor. THAT neighborhood has "Oh-My-God!" mansions. It's in a northern part of Dallas that's very wealthy. It all circles back to making me so, so grateful for the house/street/neighborhood where we get to raise a kid. I love the diversity around us and that there's a mix of rich and poor and that we'll get to know people from so many walks of life.

Follow up to my friendly email

Remember this post? I emailed a local blogger to try to connect. For weeks I heard nothing back from her and assumed my email had ended up in her junk folder and been lost forever. I was a little bummed, but shrugged it off. A couple weeks ago, this showed up in my inbox:

I am a terrible, terrible person.
Got your email and then my life got crazy.
Love that you're here - unless of course you've moved because it was so long ago that you wrote this - and would love to get together. We're in your neck of the woods a little and could meet you for lunch.
You have an amazing story and I'd love to hear more!
Let me know when you're available and I'll take you to lunch to make up for my rude delayed response. I blame the children.

We ended up getting together a week later. She's as funny in person as she seemed she'd be. Even though we were in a chic coffee shop with all kinds of posh drink options she asked the waitress in a conspiratorial tone, "I know this is a violation of everything your shop stands for, but would it be possible to get a Diet Coke?"

For over two hours we chatted. She wanted more details about how Jrex and I ended up in Dallas, how I got from there to here, how my childhood impacted my life. She shared some of what her kids are dealing with. Unlike my parents, she and her husband have continued to attend the suburban church that 'sent' them into West Dallas. For a long time, this has kept them in a limbo where they were "in but not of" two very different worlds. In the past year, they've begun to hunt for a neighborhood-based church option. Their part of Dallas is primarily African-American and I think it's been rare for her to be able to talk with a peer who understands the mentality of both the inner city as well as wealthy suburban culture.

I could also relate stories of how our church handled our Wednesday night dinner & worship service (we had a fun activity after the worship so people were more likely to stay for the whole evening. Grocery Bingo, anyone?), how I'd worked with kids and had to start by getting them to respect me before worrying about them liking me. She kept bemoaning that they'd done everything backwards.

I hope we can spend more time together in the years to come. She's amazing and her family all sound like people worth knowing. It's fun to reach out and have good things happen. It's part of what I enjoy about moving--connecting to different people around the country.

One of my college friends had an interesting suggestion for me. I told her about the conversation with MH and how part of me wishes I had time to commit to being a mentor and working with her husband and their program (they connect mentors when a kid is in 4th grade and ask for a commitment between mentor and kid until the kid graduates from high school!) My college friend suggested that I ask MH if she knows a teenage Mom who might want to get together with me for Mommy play dates after our kid is born. A way to combine both of us figuring out motherhood together with mentoring. I keep forgetting to email MH about it, but this post is a good reminder! Mom's out there, is that taking on too much? Should I wait and see how much time/energy I have? Or set something up now?

So much to say

Baby update
The fluid in the kidneys went down, so no worries there. The Kid is on track in terms of size, weight gain, amniotic fluid, head down, etc. In fact, everything looked so good that Dr. N doesn't need to see us for two weeks (we go back next Monday). Jrex asked Dr. N if he thought it would be o.k. if we took a weekend trip down to Austin (3-hour drive). Dr. N laughed and said, "No. Try Ft. Worth instead."

So we did.

Weekend activities
I dragged Jrex over to the Modern last Saturday. We both loved it. Here he is playing with echoes inside a huge sculpture.
Here I am in front of my current art crush, Anselm Keifer:


Also by Kieffer:

After lunch in the museum café, we checked out a Ft. Worth wine shop. Jrex was underwhelmed. So far, he's found a decent, but overpriced, shop in Dallas, as well as another that's better in price, but with more limited selection. I'm amused that I've learned Dallas geography through furniture shopping while he's getting to know it through his hunt for a good wine store.

Speaking of furniture shopping, Lowes had a big end-of-season sale, so we stopped by Sunday afternoon and picked up patio furniture. Sunday night the weather broke (went from 100's to 80's overnight), so Monday we had a wonderful time in the yard putting this together:

The timing was perfect since we had a family of four come over for Asian potluck on Monday night. I made Korean ribs and bought side dishes from Hmart, she made shrimp and broccoli as well as homemade ice cream and dessert rolls stuffed with Hawaiian plantains and jack fruit.

This family lives a block away (I introduced myself to them a while ago. Cause I'm pushy like that...) Anyway, we really enjoyed our time with them. Their little 3-year old girl followed Muttola around the whole evening. The mutt wasn't sure why there was a kid with a hand on her back the whole night, but she tolerated it fairly well. The wife commented a couple times that since she moved here a year ago from the Philippines, this is the first time they've done dinner with another family. Turns out the husband is also an avid Yankees fan, so I foresee some World Series nights in our future (how I suffer).

Sunday night, Enthusiastic Scientist and two of his friends came by the house. From our place, we walked two blocks to the Bishop Arts District for a Margarita fest. For $20, attendees sampled margaritas from 20 restaurants. There were also street tacos and BBQ sandwiches for sale. After getting some food with the group, it wasn't that exciting for me to wait in line for margaritas I couldn't enjoy (plus the gravity of my heavy belly caught up with me) so I headed home early. On the way, I passed a neighbor's porch. He was out there with two other couples and invited me to come up and join them. The other people all live within a few blocks; one of the couples has two boys: a 3-year and a 1-year old. They were happy to hear that we're adding to the neighborhood boy quota. I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with sidewalks and front porches, but without white picket fences (ha!). Who knew I'd find that in Dallas!

Church home?
On Sunday, Jrex and I visited Tyler Street Methodist (TSM). I'd visited once before and felt at home there. It's ironic that after growing up in a quirky Lutheran church, then attending non-denominational charismatic churches, we might end up back in a quirky yet 'traditional' church for raising our family.

Oak Cliff churches seem to do a lot of self-segregation: white, black, OR hispanic. In general, there are few Asians in the area and I haven't seen any in the other churches I've visited. TSM has a white guy as Senior Pastor, a black woman as Associate Pastor and an Asian woman as Director of Music and Fine Arts. Sprinkled throughout the mostly white congregation are Asians, Hispanics, and African-Americans. People are really friendly without being creepy and they feel very alive and genuine. Overall, the church is deeply involved in the neighborhood, many live here, others work and volunteer locally. The church runs a private K-12 academy, a retirement community and is involved in a local AIDS hospice. They do drama (Cottonpatch Gospel performance), music (Jazz Vespers coming up) as well as various Bible study groups and life groups (parenting/financial training/men's breakfast, etc).

It must be my nesting urge in overdrive: my normal pattern is to want to check out every option before picking one, but this time, I liked the church when I visited, wanted Jrex to give a thumbs up or down (he gave thumbs up) and am happy to just start going there and see what happens.

Jrex started his first 'real' job!
Yesterday was the first day at UT. Jrex is getting a nice sized lab (room for eight people to work), plus an attached office for his private domain. The guy who'd been in the space is being moved elsewhere in the building (the whole floor is getting shuffled around for lots of reasons, not just Jrex's arrival). He's mostly out, but lots of his equipment is still in the space. Fortunately, Jrex gets along well with the guy's lab manager and they're working together to clear out the rest of the lab. Jrex's lab tech starts today (he hired her over the phone based on a strong recommendation from Enthusiastic Scientist), so they'll be meeting each other for the first time this morning.

The father of lung cancer research at UT, JM, took Jrex around to introduce him to everyone on the floor. He also invited Jrex to join them this morning as they interviewed another prospective person. Overall, everyone was warm and welcoming. JM's administrator took Jrex to get his ID picture taken and show him around the campus. She commented that as much as JM enjoys science, his real passion if for mentoring people. After being in a sink-or-swim lab that's welcome news!

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I NEVER thought I'd be saying this, but it really does feel like Dallas, TX is the right place and the right time for us. After so many years of uphill battles and frustration, it feels oddly disorienting to be in the 'sweet spot' where everything feels like it's coming together.

Of course, with a baby coming into the equation, this may just be the calm before the storm, right? (hmm...perhaps Jrex's ability to find the dark cloud on a sunny day is rubbing off on me...)

All's well that ends well

My big projects for work are done and therefore, I've been avoiding the computer. It's been lovely! Well, except for what I've been doing now that I'm not tied to my desk: trying to get a Texas driver's license.

In every other state I've lived in, you trek to the DMV and wait in line and they deal with everything all at once. Perhaps you have to get the car inspected, but they can handle everything else with one stop. Not here in oddly bureaucratic Texas (Republicans AND lots of red tape? Seems contradictory...)

When moving from out of state before one can procure a driver's license, the car has to be registered! And before registering you need car insurance and an inspection. THEN you have to go downtown to register the car and pick up the plates. Only after that can you go through the traditional DMV hell. Which is in an entirely different location.

Unfortunately for me, not only did I have to do all that, my California license expired on my birthday in late July, so I had to do the written and driving exams. At 2:30 yesterday, I passed the written test, but they said I didn't have enough time to take the driving test before they closed at 4:30. Back I went this morning.

"Go wait in line 10, ma'am."

I walked to the back of the building and saw a line of 10 people waiting in front of counter 10. There were empty chairs in the middle of the room, so, being 5 weeks away from delivering a big-headed baby boy, I pulled one into the line so I wouldn't be on my feet while waiting. Apparently, the rule that people in Texas are nice ends at the door to the DMV. The woman running station 10 called over the counter, "Ma'am, I need you to put that chair away and stand in line." I raised my eyebrows at her and shrugged as I followed instructions. Everyone else in the line gave me a sympathetic look.

When we got to the front, the older man in front of me gestured for me to go ahead of him. I smiled and shook my head and indicated he should go ahead. He tried to argue, but Bossy Lady called him forward.

While he was still standing in front of her, she beckoned to me. I went to the counter and started to put my Kindle away and get out my paperwork. "You don't have your paperwork ready?" She beckoned the guy behind me to step up to the counter. I stared at her in disbelief as she proceeded to handle all his stuff, answer two phone calls and then finally process my stuff.

I wonder if it was racial. I was one of only two white patrons in the building the whole time I was there. The guy behind me was her race. Could have been she assumed I was presuming on white privilege, or could have been innocent, but the combo of incidents was NOT pleasant.

THEN, it was still going to be over two hours before I could take the driving test! I went home, made lunch and then headed back down to purgatory. To take the driving test, I had to wait in my car in a line of cars, in the lovely temperate Dallas weather (105 degrees in the sun) for over 45-minutes. I thought my air conditioning was going to die.

When it was time to take the test, I was super careful, looked both ways at every intersection, slowed down and looked both ways when crossing the railroad tracks and thought I'd aced it. The tester told me I hadn't looked both ways (I guess just using my eyes wasn't enough, I should have turned my whole head each time), I'd not used my turn signal when parallel parking (fair), and hadn't stopped at the line for the stop signs. Thankfully, I passed anyway.

She then told me to go back to line 10 to get my license.

Sigh.

Fortunately, there wasn't a line.

Working from home

I mentioned (whined) about the air conditioning breaking three times in the first month we (I) were in the house.

Part of the huge impact on me was that I really need my desk. I'm a bit quirky in that I need an organized environment in order to be truly creative. Even in college, I'd have to clean and organize my Art Barn space before beginning to paint. (I also have to do that in the kitchen before cooking.) Being 'homeless' and not able to work in my office made it that much harder to hit the insane deadlines that were being thrown my way. My brain felt fogged and it was hard to get into right-brain mode.

Since the second-floor AC still worked, I ended up perching on the loveseat in our room (not such a bad place to work, but it wasn't my custom built desk! Plus baby-belly hunched over a laptop=not comfy!) (I know, I know, "first world problems", right?)

Now that the AC is fixed, I love our office (bonus: replacing the fan motor got rid of the floor vibration completely). I say 'our' because Jrex is sharing the room with me. It's not as bad as it sounds. As you can see in the picture below, I intentionally set up my desk so that I won't see any visual "distractions" while working. (Let's just say one of us needs clean surfaces to have a calm mind and the other prefers the 'geological' method of organization. That is, finding where something is in the pile based on time of deposit.)

No office is complete without timezone clocks. The black frame is for me in Dallas, with the others for coworkers in Boston and California. It must be the visual thinker in me, but it really helps not to have to 'translate' what time it is.

As of September 6th, Jrex will have an office at UT, but since so much of his impending work will involve writing grants and responding to emails, it makes sense for him to have an office at home. Upon arrival here, we realized that even though the master bedroom closet IS huge, it's not THAT big. Fitting a desk would have been tight (and hot). Having this home office for Jrex also means he'll be able to come home early, play with the kid, and then continue working.

He has 1/3 of the room to the right of the arch while the daybed (for overflow guests as well as a place to brainstorm, sketch and edit) and my area take up 2/3rds.

Thus far, I'm enjoying the expected perks that come with working from home: wearing comfortable clothing, being able to sleep in, being able to take breaks to deal with contractors and repair people, not having as many distractions, and being able to take a nap as needed. The surprise is how aggravating it is being two-hours ahead of my coworkers. It messes up my mealtimes and means I don't get an evening. I often finish work at 8:30 or 9 pm and then have to figure out food (which keeps me up late, wakes me up late and costs the morning as well as the evening). That part should be better in September when there's not as much going on, but there's no guarantee in this business.

It's good to be able to check off another life fantasy ("if only I could work from home and make a good living, everything would be better"). This solution has been great for our transition to Dallas and should be good for the first year of the kid's life, but I don't see it being a long-term solution. It works out well since my company is nuts and burns people out faster than a six-year old boy who's found a box of matches. I'm really hoping to get the brain space to stop talking about my job so much and be able to LIVE outside of work.

Mama Nabi slept here

With Jrex being gone for six weeks and this big old house all to myself, I've really been enjoying having house guests. Last night, I got to host fellow blogger, Mama Nabi. No, we'd never met in real life, but it felt like I was welcoming an old friend and her family despite that. She and her husband, daughter and dog are moving from Florida to California, so Dallas is along the way.

When they arrived, I was chatting with my next door neighbor and her son. I figured it was better to do the doggie meet up on neutral ground, so I was outside with Muttola. Their dog is 1.5, so I knew that Muttola would do her (in)famous puppy take-down at some point. Sure enough, in our front yard, she pounced with a huge growling bark. It always sounds like the beginning of a dog fight, so I try to warn other dog owners what's coming. After that, the dogs were off and running. Literally. We got them into the backyard and they tore around. All night, all morning, they kept chasing each other in circles around the house. I could tell that Muttola has become middle aged cause she kept trying to just lie down for a while, but couldn't resist their dog for very long.

It's so interesting to meet people who's lives you've shared via blogging. In some ways you know them well and in others, it's all new. Filling in the details around the known narrative is a lot of fun. MN went to a college that I'd visited and applied to, I got to hear more about the school where Sansangnim will be working and I got to meet MN's daughter. After seeing so many pictures, it was fun to meet her in person: fearless and playful with the dogs, shy yet eager with me, she quickly warmed up and asked for a house tour.

For dinner, I'd made a new recipe from Sunset magazine with mixed results. What had sounded like a refreshing salad with mango, shrimp and herbs was spoiled by mint that turned out to be really zingy and almost too hot to eat. Not very fun. Thank goodness I'd been seduced by the lure of Central Market and went a little crazy with the charcuterie platter (see all the weird terms I've learned living in wine country? I had no idea what that meant until I went to a wine tasting and found out it was just a sampling of cured meats).

In any case, I saw them off this morning and am now back to the grindstone with lots of work deadlines. Not so fun. Especially since the downstairs AC died AGAIN this morning. The guy who fixed it Friday already told me that he's ordering us a new fan motor, so at some point this week, he'll just call and say he's 10 minutes away and can he come over. Makes it hard to plan to do anything away from the house!

At least there are only 12 days left before Jrex will be 'home'. He's packing in all the final farewells, lab work, closing down his lab stuff, figuring out the shipping for his samples and his mice, trying to get last minute writing done, giving a talk on lungs to his lab (this just in...one more thing to do, Jrex!) as well as trying to sort out his Texas medical licensing.

I've told him that when he gets here, he gets to have a 'potato week'. For the first week, he doesn't have to think about baby stuff, house issues, or anything demanding. He can sit around and watch TV the whole time if that's what he wants to do, or go exploring, or do whatever. I figure he's earned a rest! (plus, I can always use more wife points, right?)

Just the FAQs, Ma’am

Since many people I’ve chatted with have similar questions, I thought it would be good to gather my answers in one place.

Where have you been!?
The cable has been out since Thursday and JUST got fixed, so I haven’t had much blog time. Techs came yesterday and figured out there was a power outage at the pole next to the house. Apparently, we’re the only ones on that pole!

Is it hard to be there without Jrex?
Short answer: yes, very.

Longer answer: having various houseguests has helped (three visits so far). I’m looking forward to Mama Nabi and her crew coming by next week on their move from Florida to California.

Here’s the real irony, after giving pep talks to my single friends about how hard marriage is and the things to be grateful for as a single person, I’m having to call them and tell them I was an idiot. It’s hard to be alone. It’s especially hard to be alone in a big house where things keep breaking! (Did I mention that the AC is out AGAIN. Sigh)

Are you lonely?
Oddly, this is different than feeling Jrex’s absence. I’ve had lots of interactions with neighbors and local friends, so I’m not feeling particularly lonely. It feels like our lives here will begin to fill up very quickly once Jrex gets back into town. Our realtor wants to have us over for dinner, I met a family a block away who want to do a potluck Asian dinner, there are neighborhood b-b-ques starting in September, and I got a link to a local elementary schools’ PTA. They set up Mommy play groups and seem very active. On a day to day level, due to the house falling apart around me, I seem to have daily visits from technicians or our contractor.

Plus, I’m frequently on the phone with people from work. So, no, overall I don’t feel lonely.

How’s the heat?
I’ve been cheerfully reporting that dry heat at 110 degrees Fahrenheit feels better than 90’s with humidity, and there’s some truth to that, but it’s still hot. Being in the sun in the middle of the day is definitely oppressive, though walking the dog once the sun is going down is doable. This neighborhood has lots of big, old trees and usually has a breeze, so it’s not terrible. In terms of heat plus third trimester, I don’t feel like I have an extra oven with the baby. I guess I thought I’d be super aware of an extra heat source, but I haven’t felt any differently pregnant than if I wasn’t. All that being said, when the AC isn’t working, my cheerful speech goes up in smoke!

I’m hot, the house is hot, the animals are hot, and I don’t like it! Whine...

How’s the pregnancy/baby/bump?

Seems to be going well. I found an OB that I like and have a follow-up appointment next week. The baby is moving around a lot and while it freaks me out (cause it feels SO weird), it’s also comforting every time I feel him moving. I have mild heartburn, but it goes away with a TUMS. In terms of sleep, I discovered on our cross-country drive that my camping pillow works great for a between-the-legs pillow. Makes turning over much less arduous than with a big pillow, but it gives me the knee separation that I need. All good.

With all the house drama, I’m waiting until Jrex is back in town to really focus on the baby. I’m getting every other room set up, except the nursery. I want to share that experience with him, plus it’s all very overwhelming and I want someone else in on the decision making process.

I’m definitely showing, which is leading to all sorts of interesting conversations. Met a woman who told me about a day care center at a local church. Visited the church this past Sunday. It was a fine church though not a ‘fit’ for me/us in terms of a spiritual home, but it was full of nice people. Happened to sit in the same pew as the woman who runs the daycare. She asked when I was due, I mentioned that I’d heard about the daycare, she told me she runs it and asked when I was hoping to start. I said January, she said, “Whew! We’re really full, but come on by and check it out. We’ll see what we can do for you.”

I’m sure it helped that I looked like a single mom all alone in church!

Do you have a name for the baby yet?
We have a first and middle that we both like, but it’s turned out that the first name is one of the most popular baby boy names of late. Once Jrex gets back, we’ll get a book of names from the library and see if we can find an alternative. If not, we’ll just be trendy...

What do you think of Dallas so far?
I’m actually pleasantly surprised. People told me it would be easy to make friends here, and that feels very true. Culturally our quirky corner of Dallas seems full of interesting people, so I’m enjoying that. The downtown farmer’s market (easy to get to from our house!) has great fruits, veggies, local honey, and grass-fed beef/pork/chickens--so I don’t feel like our foodie streak will be thwarted. Added to that, there’s a crazy, huge grocery store called Central Market that has organic foods, a huge cheese selection, basically all the pretentious foods we’ve discovered in California and many more that I had no idea existed.

I’m looking forward to exploring the cultural life in Dallas, but at the moment, have been overwhelmed with trying to get the house in shape while staying on top of my super-intense work deadlines. I did get a membership to The Modern art museum in Ft. Worth.

While not being a huge museum, it has fun architecture and a great collection; plus it’s an easy 40-minute drive from our house.

Junior will be indoctrinated in art appreciation from a young age.

Best quote so far about Dallas. My friend Art Instructor came down for my birthday (that’s a whole ‘nother story. GREAT weekend.). We went shopping at Central Market and were both completely blown away and overwhelmed.

In the checkout line, she mentioned that she’s visiting from upstate NY and the cashier asked what she thought of Dallas.

“I’ve got to admit that all my stereotypes of Texas have been blown. This is a neat city full of interesting people. Haven’t seen a single cowboy hat so far.”

The cashier laughed, “Just head over to Ft. Worth and you can get all your expectations fulfilled.”

The guy bagging the groceries nodded agreement, “Truer words I have not yet heard today.”

Reaching out

Somehow, in looking for neighborhood resources (vet/hairdresser/pediatrician, etc), I stumbled across Mercy Street. It's a ministry founded by a downwardly mobile couple from one of Dallas' wealthiest, whitest areas. They moved into one of Dallas poorest communities and are running a mentoring and sports ministry. They link volunteer mentors with 4th grade kids and ask for a commitment from the mentor until the kid graduates from high school.

In the midst of all of that, the wife is raising their four biological kids as well as two brothers from the neighborhood. Her blog is here. Maybe it's the late hour, but when I read about her and her family, I had to respond.

I just emailed this to her:

Hi,

I hope this email doesn't seem bizarre, but I just stumbled across Mercy Street and your blog and had to reach out.

I'm the grown up version of your kids. My parents raised us in inner-city Cincinnati where my Dad ran a non-profit housing ministry. My Dad had a Harvard Law degree, my Mom had a Masters in Theology. White, charismatic Lutherans committed to neighborhood transformation and trusting that God was big enough to protect their three kids as they raised them in the 'hood. When I was two weeks old, Mom was bringing me to the women's prison when she went there to lead Bible studies. We went to public schools (Cincinnati has amazing alternative/magnet public schools), played in the neighborhood steel drum band, mentored neighborhood kids, invited illegal immigrants to dinner and loved the city.

Long story short: I'm now married to a Korean-American and we just moved here from the Bay Area in California. We fell in love with the funkiness of Oak Cliff as well as the economic and racial mix. We bought a house near Bishop Arts and are settling in. My husband will be starting a job at UT Southwestern doing lung cancer research and treatment. I'm working from home as a graphic designer for my company in California. In addition to all those changes, we're expecting our first kid in October.

I'm writing because I'd love a chance to meet you, or at least chat on the phone. Given the neighborhood I grew up in, I'm bi-cultural in terms of black/white culture, but I don't know Hispanic culture at all! You'd think I'd have no apprehensions about raising our kid in a non-Anglo environment, but I'm realizing I don't know how to raise a mixed-race kid in a mixed-race neighborhood. I don't know how far West Dallas is from Oak Cliff, but we're looking for a church and trying to connect to people who really live out their faith. I thought you'd be an amazing resource for connecting with what God's doing south of the Trinity river.

Like I said, I hope this email doesn't seem too weird, but I was excited to hear that there are still Christians choosing to be downwardly mobile and doing the kinds of adventures my parents' did in the '70's.

Guessing from your blog, you're likely a very busy woman. Until October, my schedule is fairly flexible. If you're up for chatting, I'd love to do that at some point.

Does it make me sound like a freak? My job has been super busy for the last couple weeks, so I haven't had much of a chance to do the networking I need to do. I've got a couple friends of friends I need to call and neighbors still to meet. I'm nervous that I got a little over-excited!

Incentive!

I'd already planned to hit the consignment stores and antique shops to try to find some of the remaining puzzle pieces for the house. Plus I have a bunch of odds and ends that need to be done:

• sand and hang the shelves in my office
• hang the shelves that function as night stands in the guest room
  
• organize all the books that my wonderful husband insisted on unpacking and ended up just shoving onto any shelf
• figure out places to stash all our weird bits and pieces
• set up the art studio/workshop in the room next to the garage

However, I figured I had a while before Jrex was back and it was hard to find my motivation. Then my Aunt Ruby called me and asked when I want a house guest. She has time next week (as in THIS Monday). She's going to come down from Oklahoma with a friend of hers and they'll be with me through late Monday evening through Thursday. I'm excited to see her and have her help and advice, but it sure makes the to-do list feel imperative!

One of the big reasons I'm a designer rather than a fine artist is that I need a deadline. Thanks for giving me a good one, Aunt Ruby.

Alone with the critters

Jrex is back in the Bay Area for the next six weeks. Fortunately, my work life is fairly busy, so the days aren't completely dragging. Plus, I still have a plate to return to a neighbor (she brought cookies) and a stranger to meet (a house a block away has an "It's a Boy" banner strung across the porch. Seems worth a knock to see if our kids can grow up playing together).

On the home front, the first floor air conditioner is fixed. Unfortunately, they put the furnace (drives both the heat and the air) in the crawl space under the house. It's mounted to a joist under the dining room, so if the system is on, the dining room vibrates enough to cause mild nausea. NOT a great solution when wanting to host a dinner party. The AC guy says there's no fix that he knows of given the location. Sigh.

When we moved here, I knew the weather would be different and would be hot. I hadn't realized the impact that would have on what animals and insects we'd encounter.

Two nights after we arrived, Jrex was downstairs in the living room as I put clothes away upstairs in the master closet (Walk-in. HUGE. LOVE.). Now, our mutt actually eats bugs. She hunts down flies when they get inside and eats them: spiders, beetles, mosquitoes, she doesn't discriminate. As I folded some clothes I noticed the mutt, just outside the closet, staring at the floor in confusion. I looked down and saw a 2-inch cockroach scurrying towards me. I screamed for Jrex, "Honey, I need you upstairs NOW!" I didn't hear any movement from him so I yelled again, "Jrex, come up here now! Now, NOW!" Nothing.

I gathered my courage (not to kill the beast, but to run past it--hey, it's no fun to be married if I can't abdicate all bug/slug/beast duties!) and go grab him. He'd fallen into an exhausted slumber. I shook him awake insisting, "Jrex, wake up, you have to come kill it!" While understandably very confused, he stumbled upstairs. I gave him a pile of packing paper as a weapon and then we realized the demon roach wasn't there. I saw movement and turned, it was crawling up the wall in the bedroom. I pointed and Jrex scooted over and tried to smash it. Five tries. It took three-times the normal roach-killing force AND it was fast.

The next morning, Jrex was in the kitchen and saw movement on the floor next to him. Instinctively he stomped HARD. When he lifted his slipper, he saw that it had been a tiny lizard. Oops. We both felt bad about that one.

I told various Dallas friends about the roach and they told me it was actually a 'palmetto bug' or a 'water bug'. Nothing to do with a dirty house, just something that occurs here in this foreign country.

In fact, while chatting with our contractor about bugs and snakes (roof has to get redone and potential deck if we can afford it), he told me rattlesnakes are the least of our worries. "At least they tell you where they are, it's the copperheads that'll get you. Or the water moccasins in the lakes; they like the water lilies so you want to be careful when you go water skiing." When?! There's no "when" after you tell me to watch out for water moccasins!

The day before Jrex was supposed to leave, I looked out our back door and hollered, "You can't leave me here with bugs, lizards and dead animals!" Here's a picture of the view (no animal):

Spreadeagled flat on the sidewalk was a squirrel. Unblinking eyes staring straight at the back door. No movement. Ugh.

Jrex called animal control and they promised to come by within 24-hours. "Call us if anything changes" they added. It's dead! What's going to change? A little while after that, Jrex had to go out to the garage, when he opened the door, the squirrel jumped up, ran up a tree and then draped itself over a branch in the same position. We thought it's back was broken or that it had fallen and stunned itself.

That night we met friends at a local restaurant and told them our critter stories. "Yeah those roaches are scary. The lizards are 'friendlies' though; they eat the other bugs. Well, probably not the palmetto bugs, but all the other ones. As for the squirrel, that's what they do when it's hot. It's the only way they can get cooler. Have you noticed that all the birds keep their mouths open most of the time? Same deal."

Now that's a new definition of hot for me: cool-bathing squirrels and panting birds.