Grooming Behaviors

I've always been a kid magnet. Without trying, in many social situations, I end up with children climbing all over me. So other people being friendly or enjoying playing with children never seemed like an issue until I worked in a residential treatment center for behaviorally disturbed kids. In English: they'd all been physically and/or sexually abused and had behaviors that resulted from the abuse.

One of the 10-year olds started dressing like one of the 9-year olds. She started making gifts for the other girl. One of the staff said, "We need to make sure those two are never alone together; those are grooming behaviors."

"What do you mean? Isn't she just being nice?"

I got a Look, "Girl, lissen up. If someone wants to abuse a kid, or anyone, sexually, they usually set them up. They get them to want to spend time with them: gifts, fun events, fun yard, stuff like that. That girl is setting up her friend to try something."

So much for innocence. Mine.

At church, Brex and I often share a pew with an older couple. At first I thought they were irritated by his antics, but they slowly warmed up. One Sunday they had a friend with them. He and Brex made faces at each other and did other cute interactions. I assumed he was just good with kids.

The next Sunday, the older woman gave me a new toy truck. "Our friend Big T wanted to give this to your son. He really had fun playing with him the other week. He just loved your kid and wanted to make him happy." I said thank you, and Brex loved his new truck.

A gift after one interaction sent up a warning flag. I usually wait for another data point before concluding anything, but I knew I'd never leave my kid alone with Big T.

Another data point came the next Sunday. During worship the older woman signalled she had something for me. I nodded. I took Brex back for Sunday school and then came back and sat in the back. After the service, the older woman gave the card intended for me to the pastor's daughter who was working in Sunday School. When the older woman saw me and told me she'd made a mistake and gave it to the wrong person.

"It's ok. I'll get it. Don't worry about it.

When I got the the Sunday school room, the pastor's daughter looked stricken, "I'm SO sorry, she gave me this and I opened and read it cause I thought it was for me. Are you ok?"

I was confused by her concern. The card was from Big T. In it he wrote that he's sorry he hasn't been able to come by church, but he's a missionary and travels alot. He's been praying for us and wants me to know that everything will be ok (I often cry during worship. Usually cause I'm just so struck by something about who God is that feels so big or amazing). He gave me his phone number and told me to call any time. Apparently my facial expressions reflected the same emotions the pastor's daughter had experienced.

 

I quickly explained the situation. I laughed ruefully, "Since Jrex doesn't come to church, he must think I'm a single mom. I thought Brex was the target, but it looks like it's me!" Of course, the terrifying truth is that there are men who target women with children in order to get to the children. How sad that if I were single and feeling unlovely and unloved, and if I didn't know about grooming behaviors, I might be drawn to someone who seems like a very nice guy.

Now, I don't KNOW that's he's an abuser, but two data points confirms my first conclusion: he will never be alone with my son. It also means I need to write him a note to thank him for the gift and let him know that I'm happily married, fine with interacting with him when he visits church, but not looking for anything else.

What truly struck me was coming home from church and telling a friend about it. "You mean people like that go to church? Surely not!"

Did she miss the whole thing with the Catholic church? Never hear about youth group leaders abusing kids? Many pedophiles and sexual abusers are charismatic,  compelling, friendly people who are great with kids. As much as part of me is sad that I need to be on guard, I'm grateful that I know some of the warning signs and know when to proceed with caution.

Real life incidents that I look back on and see red flags:

• The nice policeman with the pool who was great with neighborhood kids and would take groups of them to his house for the afternoon. My brother and sister went. He abused one of their friends, or at least did inappropriate touching.
• The discomfort I felt when our pastor treated me like a beautiful woman when I was a shy, awkward young girl. I thought he was being kind and I just didn't know how to respond. I found out later he was inappropriate with adult women in church; I suspect I was picking up an 'off' vibe.

Given that it was news to me in my 20's and was just news to my friend in her 30's, consider this my public service announcement for the day.

Reasons, shcmeasons

Why so little blogging?

As I've driven around town for various networking events or for the (rare) job interview, I've considered the issue. Most of my blog posts percolated during my daily commute. Since moving here, the only driving I do is to drive Brex to school or pick him up. That means half of the drive is filled with, "Ex-ca-va-tor! Mom!! Ex-ca-va-tor!"

"Yes, Brex, you see an excavator. Isn't that exciting?"

"I see it. Ex-ca-va-tor."

"Mom! No train on bridge. So sad. Un-da-neat!"

"That's right, buddy, we're going underneath the train track. No train, so sad!"

Let's just say, while fun, those drives aren't conducive to meandering thought.

The other factor, as I told a friend from the Bay Area recently is that each day is so filled with the little busyness of life that I just don't have much of an interior life. Sure, there are emotional issues I don't have time to delve. However, I'm not going out of my way to avoid them. Rather, I just don't have time to cry or journal or make art in order to process the emotion. There's nothing so overwhelming that it NEEDS attention, just some of my/our ongoing themes.

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In terms of the one area that I'm working hard to change, lots of motion without much forward movement.

I've only had one job interview so far and I blew it. I was so intent on going through the portfolio I'd labored to set up that I didn't realize her main issue was understanding why I might be interested in working at her firm. Apparently my online portfolio is impressive and the fact that I'm coming from CA means most people are assuming I need an astronomical wage. I'm used to having to prove myself in a job interview, apparently now I need to convince a boutique agency that yes, I'd actually love to step away from the big career track and get back into a normal life.

In the midst of all that, I got a call yesterday from a recruiter. She works for a big market1ng agency downtown. On Thursday, I'd done an online application for an Art D1rector role and expected nothing from it.

I have an interview there in a week.

This job would not be a step away from a career, rather it would be a big step into a more responsible, creative, big picture role. I'd be the conceptual art d1rector running the team and the entire portfolio for Big Name Chip Company. This could involve helping do concepts for Super Bow1 Ads among other things. It's intimidating! From their website, and from a fun team video they'd just done, it looks like a team filled with skinny Dallas Millennial women and bearded, hipster Millennial men. That's also an interesting factor. Sure, I'd like to move into management, but it's a big leap to run a team of 25 people!

I think I need a new outfit...and an iPad. The last interview, I borrowed my MIL's iPad since she was visiting, but it would be nice to have one all set up in case there are multiple rounds at this same place.

Last night Jrex and I were both awake in the middle of the night. Me anxiously reviewing what I need to do for the interview, him thinking through what he needs to do to prepare for a Big Government Grant application. We prayed together for a while.

It's a good reminder that there is a place for me here in town and the right thing will open up at the right time.

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I'm sorry for the long silence! I can't promise to be better, but at least I have a couple thoughts percolating in my head. Here's hoping I make time to write them down soon!

I'm still here!

Wow. It's been a busy few weeks. I started this blog post two weeks ago...
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We had a wonderful week away though we've agreed that we need to build in two days of 'nothingness' on either side of vacations.

For this trip, we bought Brex a plane ticket. He's too restless to sit peacefully on our laps, but is used to being in his car seat for road trips. Apparently they no longer have families with small children pre-board the plane! Poor Jrex had to haul the car seat over head to the back of the plane. To add insult to injury, the one that had the anchors we needed for the car seat trolley has a leopard print seat cover. Jrex is the kind of guy who only wears blue, black, gray or tan colors and here he was flaunting an animal print.
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In conclusion: vacation was fun. Brex had a great time and was able to roll with all the new faces and places fairly well. My back started killing me mid-trip since he wanted me to hold him every time we encountered new people.

Camping went really well. I thought he'd be unable to sleep until dark, but once he reached his manic phase (his indicator that he's beyond exhausted), we took him in the tent and did the bedtime routine. He was fine. We bundled him up in tons of layers and piled blankets on top of him and he seemed to sleep well despite the drop to 50-degrees at night.

He LOVED his cousins. They gleefully tromped around the campground, played stomp rocket and didn't have any fights or issues. It helps that my sister's kids are really cool, kind and generous. My 5-year old nephew seemed to delight in his mentoring/teaching role. "OK, Brex. Hold my hand now so I can show you how to walk on this path." I'd expected that from my niece but was happily surprised to see my nephew do that, too.

Once home, I got buried alive by work and am finally coming up for air.

During the momentary lull, I'm working on my logo/identity/website. Jrex and I are in total agreement that it's time for me to look for work locally. One of the reasons that graphic design works better for me than fine art is that I LOVE people contact. I like meeting with the clients and the internal teams to figure out the best solutions. I miss that. I don't like who I'm becoming in isolation and my design is getting stale. I'm not having fun as a designer anymore.

Of course the biggest factor (that I won't say in public) is that the new Creatv Directr is chaos on wheels. He doesn't manage well though he is good at the big picture thinking. Once he has a team in place, I think that department is going to be doing some wonderful work, but he's terrible for me to work for. He doesn't do verbal encouragement, and honestly, I don't think he likes my design style. I don't think I'd do my best work for him.

We're both excited to see what comes next, but first I have to get a LOT done. In addition to the website/business cards/resume, I'll need to buy or borrow an iPad for showcasing my portfolio in interviews. Plus buy some interview outfits. It's not cheap to look for work!

There's no place like home

Last week was insanely busy. On Friday we presented a creative proposal for a us3r c0nference, we treated the standup presentat1on as a mini-confer3nce. It's a great idea, but meant designing a website, email blast, give-away bag and water bottle in addition to the regular standup presentat1on deck. Unfortunately, at the moment we don't have a robust pool of freelancers to pull into the office, so the only other design resource I had in hand was more of a production artist. That meant I couldn't just give her design and let her own it, so I had to do it all. On top of all that, we got hit with deliverables for a new client.

Needless to say, I barely saw anyone. I made time to see friends on Wednesday night, but otherwise I was buried in the office. I did get everything finished Thursday in time to catch the last 2/3rds of Much Ado About Nothing. It's a modernization, but Joss Whedon did a smart thing and filmed in black and white. It gives just enough of an 'old' feel that the language doesn't feel contrived in the modern context. That said, a plot that revolves around whether or not a woman in her early 20's is still a 'maid' feels far fetched, but they made it work.

Beatrice hiding to listen in on Hero telling the maid
about Benedick's hidden passion for Beatrice.

Once back home, we spent a mellow Saturday just hanging out as a family. Long naps for all three of us that afternoon. Then Jrex and I went out to see Superman. The casting was amazing, the acting was really good, the Messianic moments cracked me up, and the ending was over the top, but overall we enjoyed it.

Jrex turned 45 while I was in California. I'd left two gifts hidden for him. I wrote in the card, "Here's hoping you don't have any lingering Korean superstitions. If you do, I'm going with the 'two wrongs make a right' theory."

I gave him two clocks.

In Korean culture, if one gives a clock, it's a death wish for the recipient. As in, time is ticking toward your demise. Nice, right? Obviously, NOT what I want for him. He'd been wanting one next to his bed as well as an atomic clock in the bathroom. For the bedside clock, look what I found!

It's a water powered digital clock. You fill it with tap water and the ions in the water are enough to power the clock for up to five months.

Sunday night I'd invited a couple to join us for Korean food. They brought a homemade cake and a box full of gin and whisky. After dinner, the wife and I chatted and played with their 5-year old son while the guys did a 'tasting'. Let's just say Jrex was quite relaxed and happy when they left!

It's great to be home. The fun continues tomorrow when Jrex's mom and niece arrive from California. They'll be with us through Sunday. We're really looking forward to seeing Asian niece and watching her and Brex fall in love. She's 8-years old so I expect she'll really enjoy Brex and his antics.

And back again.

I'm off to Cally in the morning. Another work trip. This one was planned in advance. Our other 2D designer is gallevanting around Europe with his family and I'm going in to cover one of the weeks that he's gone.

This trip feels harder in terms of leaving Brex. He's learning so much each day, also testing limits and trying our patience, but then giggling and cuddling to make up for it. Each day the tricks I use to motivate him seem to evolve. It's like he's a super adaptable virus and I can barely keep ahead of him to suppress the outbreaks. The current 'go to' tricks include tons of reverse psychology. "Oh, you don't want to go to bed. That's ok. You stay downstairs, I'm going up." He usually comes running. This technique often involves conversations with Muttola, "Mmmm...this snack of banana and peanut butter is SO good. Too bad Brex didn't want any." At that point I'm usually interrupted by a little voice next to me proclaiming, "Chair!" (he wants up into his chair so he can partake)

For transitions we say 'bye bye'. As in, trying to get him to leave the water table at the Science Museum, "OK, buddy, it's time to say bye bye to the water. Bye Bye boats. Bye Bye cup." He cries in protest and then tearfully begins to join in the Bye Byes as we make our exit.

To get him to let me change his pajamas into his day clothes, we say 'bye bye' to whatever is on the pj's and hello to whatever is on the clothes. "Ready to say hello doggy and bye bye dinosaur?"

Jrex has also been really busy trying to get another round of grants submitted. Each time he gets subsumed by work, Brex begins to prefer me to an extreme measure and even seem to get nervous around his Dad. All it takes are a couple play sessions and Brex is fine, but it makes it that much harder to leave. On the other hand, I'm sure it's nice for Jrex to get some time to figure things out on his own.

I've prepped Brex that I'm leaving. I made a paper chain with five rings so he can tear one off each day. I "charged up" his stuffed rhino with hugs so he can hug it any time he misses me.

In the end, it'll be a nice break to recharge a bit, but the last couple days will be tough. Flying home Friday night helps. It makes if feel less like I'm missing out.

I've only scheduled one social visit while I'm there. I anticipate a heavy work load this week and suspect I'll need the down time. I'm hoping I can get away from work early enough to catch a couple movies. I'd like to see Before Midnight, Much Ado About Nothing and possibly, This is the End. Anyone have opinions on any of those (or other suggestions?)

I'll keep you posted!

The Manifesto

I just saw a job posting for something local that is written for me. Problem? I have no website, no online portfolio, and no resume. I did buy the domain for  [My].[Name].com last year, so I have that in my favor. I'm trying to whip all this together so I can apply for it. I love my job (believe it or not), but local might be a nice change.

Either way, I should have a website up. To that end, I sat down to write out my design manifesto. What do you think:

I believe...

we are all creative
strong leadership doesn't have to be abrasive
your input is valid
working fast ≠ working sloppy
the person matters more than the task
in sophisticated boldness
in simple elegance
in tickling children and wrestling dogs
organization is beautiful
family dinners matter
it's more important to be resilient than safe
Design Divas waste all of our time
everyone has a story
strong opinions streamline the process
I'm an awesome Mom and a so-so wife
in mystery, silence and beauty
in laughter, tears and good wine
in the power of white space
mood boards matter
listening first never hurt anyone


Anything I should add? Delete? Rephrase? (see point #1)

Kindness when I needed it

Sunday morning. Sitting in the creaky wooden pew with Brex on my lap. He's playing peek-a-boo with a boy in the next pew. They're giggling as the music covers any sounds they make. I'm trying to enter into the music, the sense of God's presence, but I'm having a hard time.

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing more stomach churning anxiety than I have my whole life. There have been times in the past when I feel things that are happening to someone else and it's a clue for me to pray. Once I kept thinking about driving my car off the road on purpose. It happened over and over and was definitely not 'me'. When I prayed, I kept thinking of one friend in particular. I asked if she were feeling suicidal. She was. The only thing that's changed in my life of late is my new Creat1ve Director. So, I've been praying for him. While I'm at it, I've prayed for my husband. Now, that all makes me sound 1) psyco/psychic or 2) holy. Neither is true! Mostly I pray just enough to get my stomach to calm down.

As I tried to pray during the worship time at church, I just felt so bad that my real motivator in life is my own comfort. I'll do just enough to get comfy again. I'm not really pursuing God, not really doing much to strengthen my marriage. Yes, working hard as a Mom, and as a designer, but letting most of the rest fall by the wayside. I paused and prayed, "What do You have to say?"

In the pause after I asked, this popped into my head, "O little fretful one, you're judging yourself much more harshly than I am. Just look to me and the selfishness will fall away." That sounds so small when I write it down, but there was a sense of being smiled at and enjoyed behind the words.

There's a verse that says, "It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance." I cried in gratitude as the songs continued. He sees me and he loves me anyway.

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This is off topic, but Brex is at the point where anything works as a "hat". He wanted this on his head and was quite proud of it for the two minutes he wore it.  His stroller is also "chair!" and he loves to just sit in it and watch us cooking in the kitchen. A prince indeed.