Sojournering

Trust your gut

2012-01-26T08:26:00.001-08:00

One of the reasons I enjoy direct contact with clients is that I often get an intuitive sense for what needs to happen next. We had a call on Friday afternoon with a client who needs an identity for an event by tomorrow. He was full of 'strategy', but none of it translated into visual terms. Having gone through a hellacious process last year with a different strategist, I've learned that the best thing is to get a bunch of visuals in front of them and see what sticks.

Monday morning, while waiting for the client to give us art direction, I started pulling images for four concepts I thought could work for the show. He wanted 'anti-trade show': nothing traditional. No booth rentals, no vinyl signs, no bright colors. In the meantime, my fellow 2D designer had come up with a concept that he was really excited about. When I mentioned my deck, he didn't think it was necessary. I discussed it with our 3D designer who was lukewarm. The truth is, this is all a bit muddled since there's also a creative director working on the experience in the booth, so my deck crossed the line a bit. When we met with the client, it was just the 2D designers and our instructions were to use a specific font, specific font color and specific background color and 'have fun exploring'... Really? Whatever.

In the midst of all that, I almost didn't finish my deck. Our other 2D designer sent out a nice 4 page PDF while I was still assembling the PowerPoint (the client LOVES PPT, even though as a designer, I hate it). I thought that he'd come up with something that made a lot of sense from a conceptual level. My ideas seemed much more about 'interior decorating' and less about a strategic concept so I felt fairly insecure about them. Yet, I felt like it was the right thing for that particular client so I ended up sending it at the end of my day to our client services person to forward if she thought it best.

In the meantime, Jrex was struggling with whether or not to apply for a certain grant. If he won the grant, it placed restrictions on how much time he could spend on other projects. He was hearing from various people that he should apply, but it wasn't sitting well in his gut. As a result, even though the deadline was beginning to loom, he'd still not asked for recommendation letters from his usual suspects. One of the great things that U T has set up for him is a requirement that he meet 2-4 times a year with a mentoring committee. He's got three amazing guys: Optimist, No BS and Middle Ground. When he met with them on Tuesday, No BS immediately asked why he was applying for the grant. "Your CV is amazing. You should be applying for an RO 1 (one of the biggest grants available from National I nstitu tes of H eal th). This will tie you down. Forget about it."

Jrex was really excited after that meeting. Middle Ground said during the meeting, "This is amazing, I wish we'd had this system in place when I was starting out." The three mentors all seemed to enjoy spending time together talking science. Obviously, for Jrex, it's wonderful to get more experienced voices helping him think about the bigger picture. It was yet another degree of confirmation that we made the right choice. The P ortland program had no peers for him in l un g research only some other clinical people. These guys are all hard-core scientists.

On my end, throughout the day on Tuesday the client service rep kept forwarding feedback from the client. He really didn't like my coworker's idea. Of mine, he didn't like the first one and liked little bits here and there from the rest of the deck. He really liked an idea I had for creating relatively open 'cabanas' at the edges of the trade show space. They allow for more intimate conversations and gatherings, but open into the common area for the big end of day speech by the guru.

In the end, for both of us, it was a great reminder to trust our guts.

Doing the right thing shouldn't feel so sad

2012-01-19T09:46:00.001-08:00

As Brex, Muttola and I entered the park, she slunk from between two parked cars. She crouched just ahead of us, ears pinned back to her head, tail tucked hard against her belly. Her distinctive head made me nervous about cornering a pit bull mix. I didn’t want to walk away either and trigger any prey instinct. Muttola was on full alert, but relaxed. In a soothing, happy voice I murmured, “It’s ok, sweetie, we’re not going to hurt you. You’re ok. Don’t worry, it’s ok, relax...”

Slowly she stood up a bit, after a minute or so, she half crept, half scrambled so she was in the free space behind us. Her blue collar made me think she was someone’s pet, but there were no tags. She looked skinny, but not gaunt (though I worried her round belly might mean she was pregnant). As she relaxed, we walked ahead and she perked up and scampered along with us, always behind Muttola, as close to me as she dared.

This park, two blocks from our house, has a small pond with a sidewalk all the way around it. It’s a favorite with families, walkers and people who just like to chill on a bench and watch the ducks and herons. As we strolled around the pond, the brindle pit bull’s ears began to stand up, her tongue came out, her tail began to raise and she began to bounce as she walked. Muttola was completely on her dignity. She barely marked (which if you knew her, is close to a miracle) and when the little dog began to run in joyous circles under the leash, around the mutt, up the hill, back down, around the leash, up the hill, tearing quickly over the ground, Muttola just stood still and watched the antics. I laughed since just this past weekend she tore similar circles around Jrex when we took her to an off leash area. Big faker.

As we came to the other side of the pond, the little dog ran off to the basketball court and was petted by a guy there. I assumed it was her owner and kept on going. Within 20 feet, she was back. As I walked home, she stayed close to my side. I hadn’t said anything to her, didn’t want to encourage her and hadn’t petted her at all. She stayed right next to us all the way.

When we got to the house, she scampered up the stairs after Muttola. As I unlocked the door, she sat on the mat and looked up at me with confidence. I felt awful as I let our mutt in, but gently kept her out on the porch. Our big wooden front door is flanked by narrow panels of leaded glass. I could see her shadow on the other side as she silently looked in. After a while, I didn’t see her there. It got dark, I’d heard nothing on the porch, our motion lights hadn’t gone on, Muttola was relaxed. Just to be sure, after an hour, I opened the door to make sure she’d left. Out she crept from the corner of the porch. I said, “It’s ok girl. I’m sorry!” and quickly shut the door on her again.

Now I had to do something.

I called a neighbor who frequently handles strays. She wasn’t able to take this one on. She told me we should get the dog into our yard and then call animal control or put out notices that we found a dog.

I walked out the front door with Muttola and Little Grey scampered behind us as we walked around the house to the back yard. I left them both out there while I went in to get food and water for Little Grey. Muttola let her eat and drink in peace (also a miracle) and didn’t seem at all jealous. After Little Grey finished her food, she came over to be petted. As eager as she looked, when I lifted my hand to pet her, she cringed belly to the floor. As I petted her, she eventually raised back up. After seeing that, I had NO desire to let her owner know where she was. I left both dogs in the back and went in to help Jrex with the baby’s bedtime routine (Brex cries if I don’t sing to him and then put him in the crib. Nothing Jrex does seems to equal that mommy moment. Poor guy.)

We came downstairs and started trying to figure out the animal rescue deal. We worried about leaving her outside all night since it was supposed to get cold. All offices were closed, but I saw that the main SCPA near our house had evening drop off hours. Jrex began cooking soup for dinner while I went out to take the dog to the shelter. Looking at her hopeful brown eyes, I was SO tempted to keep her. Yet, two dogs and a baby? An abused pit bull mix with an eventual toddler in the house?

To get her in the car, I had to climb into the back seat and call her gently to jump in. As soon as she got into the car, she again cringed and slunk along the floor. I climbed into the driver’s seat and she ended up standing with her feet in the back seat area and her paws on the console between the seats. If I petted her, she tried to put her head in my lap. It would have been cute, except she smelled like long dead fish.

We pulled in front of the building. No lights. No open doors. Then I saw a lit area to the right of the front doors. In the wall were eight metal squares with handles. Most of them gaped open. I drove closer. It looked like kennels built right into the wall. If I could get her to go into the outside door, there was an inside door on the other side for them to admit her. A doorbell and papers to fill out meant this could be totally anonymous, or you could give them what info you knew about the dog. Talk about a no shame system!

I had no worries about her running away when I let her out of the car. Sure enough, she stayed right next to me as we walked over to the kennel doors. When I waved my hand for her to get in, her belly hit the pavement and she wouldn’t move. I moved slower and called for her to go on in. She got up and crouched as she sniffed the kennel, but she wouldn’t go forward.

I heaved a sigh and then crouched down and duck-walked into the space. She crowded in after me. I got her in front of me and then gently petted her one last time. “Stay, sweetie. You’re ok”. I closed the door, rang the bell, saw her little shadow as they let her in and then turned and walked back out into the darkness.

Lovin' Texas

2012-01-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

Since October, I've gone most Friday mornings to join a group of women for Bible Study. We've been making our way through a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus". Good times, great women. Most of them grew up in Texas, many of them here in the 'Cliff.

This morning I was sharing that the Lord's been taking me through a passage in Revelation about a church that's lukewarm. He tells them that He wishes they were hot or cold. That they think they have everything and therefore don't realize they are cold, naked, blind and poor and desperately need him. It's actually the place where an oft-quoted verse is, "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone would open to me, I'll come in and dine with him/her." For me it's a call to deeper intimacy during a phase in life where I'm not desperate for God. That I need to invite him in, pursue more time with him, and ask for eyes to see where I need him.

As I shared about how good life is right now, I joked, "I mean, who knew I'd find my dream neighborhood in TEXAS?!"

Amidst murmurs of agreement around the table, the sweet, gentle Texas Grandmother next to me lovingly patted my arm and said, "Get a rope!"

She apologized later, but I thought it was HILARIOUS.

Dreams

2012-01-10T11:10:00.001-08:00

Is anyone else fascinated by dreams and how our minds process our lives throughout the night?

Each morning when I was young, I'd come into the kitchen and Mom would ask me, "What did you dream?" In order to have an answer, I started trying to trace the threads of my dreams as I woke up. Over time, apparently, this is how one trains to become a lucid dreamer. I became aware of what I was dreaming as it happened. Eventually, my semi-conscious mind was able to argue with my sub-conscious.

After my Mom died, whenever she showed up in my dreams, my dream self would argue with her, "You can't be here, you're dead!" We'd actually end up going back and forth and negotiate the terms of her presence in the dream. Over the years I had a few dreams where she'd show up, still in her cancer body with a little skull cap on her head. I no longer had the active shove when she showed up, instead it would gradually dawn on me that she shouldn't be there. At that point in the dream she'd usually say something like, "I know you thought I died, but I've been here all along." Which usually made me really mad, "What?! You mean I'm going to have to grieve your loss AGAIN?!!"

While we were living in California, must have been three years ago now (so 12 years after her death), for the first time she showed up in a dream looking like she was in her 30's. Longish red-brown hair, no glasses, vibrant, healthy and very alive. In the dream I was busily cleaning the house or doing something very agenda driven. She kept trying to get me to stop and talk with her and I kept saying I was busy and she'd need to come back a different time. She finally said, really emphatically, "We only have a little time left. Stop. I have to talk to you." I stopped.

She brought out a long, narrow jewelry case, blue velvet, and gave it to me. As I opened it, she continued, "I've wanted to tell you for a long time how proud I am of you. You've fought for your marriage, you've been really patient and loving with Jrex (mostly), you've made a good life. I'm proud to be your mother and wanted you to have this. We won't have any more time together so I wanted you to know how much I love you." It was a beautiful necklace. When I looked up, she was gone.

I haven't dreamed of her since.

I have no philosophy of dreams. I'm not sure of my theology around them. Most of them feel like random firings based on events of the day. Every so often there are some, like that one, that feel 'real', feel significant and weighty. In the Bible there are many people who have significant dreams. Joseph was told not to divorce Mary in a dream. He was told to flee to Egypt in a different dream. In my life, there have been four or five life-changing dreams. Each felt like an amazing gift. Three happened on my journey out of fear, each marked a juncture where certain fears were conquered (and subsequently didn't have the same power over me in real life either).

On a more humorous level were the dreams while Jrex and I were dating. We'd known each other briefly during college and started dating long-distance. As he became more and more important to me emotionally, he started showing up in my dreams. Except my sub-conscious mind didn't have a template for an Asian man. Seriously. Sometimes he'd be an old white guy, sometimes a young guy, on rare occasions even a woman. In the dream world, there was often an announcement feeling, "This is Jrex for now, ok?" I'd shrug and go along with it. It really felt like my brain just grabbed the first 'skin' it found. None repeated, none felt like a substitute, just a template for the sake of working through any emotional scenarios. Once I moved to the same city and started seeing him often, he began to have his own skin on in my dreams. (MUCH better, I must say)

All this is to say, I haven't yet dreamed about Brex. I can't figure out why not. My main theory is that he's not doing anything that requires an untangling by my brain. No emotional stressors or complicated feeling. Sure it's hard when he's crying, but it's usually a fairly logical deduction to find a reason why and solve the problem. The other possibility is that I'm not getting deep enough sleep and therefore having 'shallower' dreams in general.

Is anyone else a lucid dreamer? Do you rarely remember even having any dreams? (if not, do you have a theory why not? I find that as interesting as the content of a dream.) Do most mothers dream about their children? (I would imagine the answer is yes?)

100 days

2012-01-09T02:12:00.000-08:00

Apparently yesterday (Saturday) was Brex's 100th day of life. The only reason I found out was that all of a sudden I got a flurry of text messages, voice mail and email from Mom K. We were in the middle of cleaning for a dinner party so we didn't hear the activity until it was too late to respond.

In Korean culture, a child isn't celebrated fully until they reach their 100th day. Historically, unfortunately, many kids didn't make it that far. Mom told us that she was hosting a lunch celebration after church, that her pastor was going to pray for Brex and that they were going to sing for him, too. I felt bad that in Brex's immediate surroundings there was no celebration. Rather I wore him in a pouch while vacuuming and mopping. He's lucky he survived his actual 100th birthday!

This morning at church I decided I should do something to honor the occasion. I took Brex down front after the church service. After snagging the worship leader (who is Korean) and the pastor, I asked them to pray for Brex. I'm always happy to get prayer for him, but today I mostly did it so I could tell Mom K that I'd done it. As a side benefit, it was a great way to introduce myself to the worship leader. She seems really cool and seemed to enjoy being able to talk Korean culture without having to explain things. She tipped me off that hulu has a Korean channel and that a Korean drama that we watched with Mom K in California has a sequel. She suggested we also check out "Thank You". It's a K-drama about a little girl who gets AIDS after a blood transfusion. It's a HUGE deal to have any Korean show talking about AIDS at all. It's not Angels in America, but it's a start.

When the pastor prayed he did the whole prayer and didn't really leave room for the worship leader to pray. In the evening when Jrex and I were discussing our day I expressed my disappointment that she hadn't been able to pray, too. "I wanted a Korean to pray for my Korean kid for such a profoundly Korean occasion." Then it hit me (I'm a little slow sometimes), "Wait! I DO have a Korean on hand!" Jrex laughed and then we prayed for our kid.

Happy 100, Brex! May there be many, many more.

Sorry about the hibernation!

2012-01-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

Without planning on it, I've been avoiding the phone and most media since my last post. I/we worked through the pros and cons about working or staying home and are opting to go with the daycare that we found (that's a whole 'nother post...). He starts tomorrow and I think I've just wanted to spend my time either with him or reading a book (when he was sleeping). Overall I feel really peaceful with the decision, but that doesn't mean I wasn't wistful today as I watched him napping.

Because this is how I am, I put together a dossier for the daycare. It's even laid out (like a professional designer created it or something. A designer who is actually looking forward to designing things again...) Thought you'd be amused at further evidence of my anal streak...

The skinny on Brex

Schedule

Not yet on a set time-based schedule. (willing to work with you to get that in place)
Based on when he wakes up (anywhere between 6 to 7:30 AM), he eats every 3 to 3 1/2 hours after for the rest of the day.
Overall pattern: eat, awake time (including as much tummy time and bumbo seat time as possible. He shouldn’t be lying on his head except to sleep. Trying to fix his flat spot...), nap time.

Naps

He sleeps well in a swing. Up to 2 to 2 1/2 hours.
Half the time he sleeps well in the crib, the other half he screams for 20 minutes (or more) before falling into a fitful, relatively short nap (30 to 60 minutes). We’re trying to get him to nap easily in the crib, but it’s become challenging in the last two weeks.

Soothing

Generally likes music and sound effects. They work well for distracting him.
If gassy, prefers to be held vertically
Unfortunately, in the last week he’s seemed to develop separation crying if someone else holds him too long. Call me if I should come down to help ease him into daycare more gradually...

Pacifier

We don’t force it, but when he starts chewing on his hand, we try to replace it with the pacifier (trying to avoid thumb sucking).
For the first hour after eating, he seems happy without the pacifier, but then gets more and more fussy without it. Definitely prefers it when he’s going to sleep.

Cloth Diapers

We’re not fanatical about cloth, so if you need to use regular diapers on him at any point, that’s fine.
Make sure the diaper fabric is tucked into the diaper cover in the back and around the legs. Anywhere the diaper cloth touches his clothes, the urine gets wicked up onto his outfit.

Breastmilk

Generally drinks 5-6 oz per feeding. Will supply bottles each day.
He’s been fine with formula when we’ve needed to use it.

Healing at home

2011-12-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

The surgery went well. In the post-op room they kept asking me if I was ready to wake up and go into the recovery room. I kept mumbling, "No, I like sleeping." On the way home, Jrex commented that for a 20-minute procedure, it was amazing that I was gone from 9 AM til 2:30 PM. Hmm...

An incident from my breastfeeding class this summer continues to echo throughout the childbirth and motherhood experience. During the group class which included spouses, the teacher brought out sample nursing bras. One of the guys exclaimed, "Wow, so no more Victoria's Secret, huh?!" That phrase has continued to ring in my ears as each non-glamorous phase occurs.

While in the recovery room, still somewhat numb from drugs, I freaked out when I felt moisture on my stomach--I thought I'd burst my stitches. Two seconds later I realized it was milk dripping down. (Sorry for the TMI!) I asked the nurse to get my pump from Jrex in the waiting area. Now, for those who may not know, the motors for nursing pumps are LOUD. Once I finished pumping the room rang with absence of sound. I wanted to call out an apology. And in the back of my head came the echo, "No more Victoria's Secret, huh?"

Bonus Day!

2011-12-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

When in the womb, Brex had a pattern where for a couple days he'd barely move and I'd freak out that something had gone terribly wrong, and then he'd have an active day where I wished he'd calm down. I know, I know, never happy, right? He's continued that pattern. Three days ago he would NOT nap. Today? Awake for an hour, nap. Over and over. Then he was still happy to sleep for the night (so far). Tomorrow is my hernia surgery, so I'm hoping we both get a good night's rest.

That's not the bonus though.

When the mail came, we received a huge box of local, Texas citrus, pears and chocolates. From our realtor and his wife! I think his wife sort of adopted us since we moved here and had the baby right away with no family in the area. We're so humbled by their generosity. Looks like we'll have dinner guests in January!

That's still not the bonus.

On Monday, Brex and I wandered down the street to the daycare I'd mentioned in the previous post. It's small, but all the kids looked really happy. They kept crawling into the laps of the woman who runs the place and her helper. The assistant stayed late just cause she wanted a chance to hold Brex. Let's call the director Blondie. I actually met her last fall at a neighborhood barbque and wrote her off as a total flake. Yet watching her loving, gentle approach with the kids and how content the children seemed in her care, I decided that maybe she talked my ear off because she's with kids all day? Anyway, Jrex is going to go down there with Brex tomorrow after we get home from the hospital. I need him to weigh in on which version of Blondie he sees: flake or nurturer.

Beyond all that, part of my hope for my weekend in bed is to spend some time journaling and praying about the bigger picture in terms of career/babyland/part-time/freelance/etc/etc. I need to know that I know I'm supposed to do what's next. I don't want to spend Brex's life second-guessing whichever option we pursue. Jrex is being very patient with me thrashing around trying to figure it out. I was reminded today by a dear, trusted friend that each marriage has to be interdependent. That each spouse stands alone before God before deferring to each other. I need to check in there first before forcing Jrex to be the fall-guy for whatever decision we make.

Not the bonus (obviously).

We've had major contractor drama around getting estimates for roof work. Back and forth since August! In the end, my Dad recommended that we get a clean estimate from a roofer we select (every other one was recommended by either our realtor, our insurance guy or our contractor). I followed his advice and ended up selecting the roofers who'd done our neighbor's house. I called them yesterday to find out when they were going to do the roof. They asked if they could drop off material this morning and then do the work on Friday and Saturday. Sure!

The doorbell rang today at 6:45 AM! Yikes. After the guy dropped off the materials (Class 4, hail resistant shingles. Yee-ha for Texas weather!), a bunch of Hispanic guys started to gather. Next thing we knew, they were working on the roof. As they started working, Muttola bugged me to go out. Well, obviously the back yard was out of the question, so I bundled up the baby and set forth to the park.

When I walked back in the door, the phone rang.

"OTRgirl? Congratulations! This is J with the roofing company. You just won a free garage roof!"

I was confused, "I thought we didn't include the garage in the job?"

J laughed ruefully, "We didn't. I stopped by to check in with the crew just now and they'd already started tearing up the garage roof by mistake. I didn't want you to look out of the house and see that and get worried."

"Will there still be enough material to do the porch roof?"

"Yup. Merry Christmas!"

Bonus!

Oops!

2011-12-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

I didn't mean to take a month off!

The truth is dawning on me: I blog to escape and/or analyze my life. Slow afternoon at work, but I need to stay on the computer and be available? Read some blogs. Something is itching at me mentally? Blog about it in order to process it. Feeling restless and wanting to skip to the end of whatever phase of life is passing by? Troll the internet so I feel like I'm going somewhere.

Well, now that all the family is gone and we have December with just the three of us, I don't have any of the above 'needs'. Somehow, being Brex's mother has stilled the restlessness in me. If I try to jump ahead to the 'next' phase, I'll miss the one he's in now, and I don't want to do that.

Each day feels like a gift to have him and have the chance to be on this side of the Mom line. In terms of crossing that line, I'd mostly given up (most of the time). My thread of hope was tattered and I didn't let myself picture what it would be like to be a Mom. In contrast to when I was younger and just assumed I'd spend most of my life mothering, I'd shifted to avoiding the kids' sections of stores, not cooing (too much) over baby shoes or hats, and tending towards friends who didn't have children.

It's strange and good now to be going to the '2011 playgroup' (went yesterday for the first time. Collection of very nice alpha Moms and fun kids.), to find out about the nursery at church, to gush over fat little baby feet and edible baby cheeks. I have a bone deep contentment that I'm finding surprising and very welcome.

Which leads to my current dilemma: daycare! Ugh.

I'm supposed to start work January 3rd. I haven't found an option that really works. There's one near the house that feels like a baby warehouse to me. Nothing terrible about it, but it didn't feel happy either. The workers looked like they were putting in time at a job. In the building next to Jrex's at UT, there's a daycare that felt a LOT happier, but that's a 20-minute drive. I hate the idea that if I'm doing the pickup/dropoff, I'll waste an hour and a half a day in driving. If Jrex takes him, I hate the idea that I wouldn't see Brex from 7 AM until 7 PM. That's unacceptable to me. There is a daycare at UT that only does admissions in August. That one is amazing, but we may or may not get in, and we need a solution in the meantime. My hope would be that by August, Jrex could come home a little earlier in the evenings and that I could do the morning drop off. I'm following up on one lead for a home-based daycare right down the street. I'll visit on Monday and see if it's a fit. She makes organic food for the kids and only takes 6 at a time. The review said that she's a great middle-ground between a nanny and a traditional day care.

I've reached out to a cool stay-at-home mom a block away and will see if that pans out. I would love to have someone like that bring my kid into her fold (I'd pay what I would to a daycare, but feel MUCH better about it). Obviously, I don't have much time yet, so I'm freaking out a little about that.

Of course the bigger question is whether I should jump on the mommy-track. The problem with being a designer and doing that, my computer skills would become obsolete VERY quickly. It seems a bit short-sighted to throw away years of amassing skills when it's unlikely I'd be able to get back into the job force as a 50-something graphic designer.

There's a teaching position I may apply for, but it's at a school that's a 50-minute drive from here. The position calls for teaching four classes on a tenure-track. As much as teaching sounds like a great fit with parenting, I'm not sure that particular job would be the right pick. I'll likely go through the application process just to get my portfolio up to speed, plus it will give me an idea if I'm at all competitive in the academic arena.

Other tidbits from the long silence:

OTRbro and OTRdad came for Thanksgiving and cranked out a bunch of home projects. OTRbro found out that he actually liked the blob phase (or at least Brex's version of it).
I've already ruined Brex. Due to his sleeping position, his head has flattened out on the right back side. Sigh. Now I have to wedge him with rolled up towels to make him sleep on his side (something a daycare is unlikely to do!) Those baby helmets cost thousands of dollars and aren't covered by most insurers. Ugh.
After the 2-month pediatrician visit, I became the mommy torture queen. Not only did I stop swaddling him to sleep, I had to do the towel bit AND give him lots of 'tummy time' (a.k.a. "baby-scream-his-lungs-out time"). All to try to give him a lifetime with a head he can shave without shame. Poor Mom K worked her butt off to keep Brex happy and content so he'll develop a good personality, only to have me come along and trash it all!

How I suffer!

2011-11-16T12:39:00.001-08:00

I don't remember if I ever blogged about the fact that when I was pregnant, I became lactose intolerant. In addition, anything sweet made me nauseous. I actually used to fight with the fetus about it, especially since it was Girl Scout Cookie season. Looking at a Thin Mint, I'd think, "I LIKE thin mints, dammit. You can't stop me!" Then I'd eat one and regret it for the next hour. Once the feeling of nausea faded, I'd repeat the experience. Hey, it takes me a while to be reconciled to situations in which my Will is subdued by Circumstance!

In our early days with Brex, we started to fear that he was going to be a colicky baby. By his 12th day we'd started pacing the floor, bouncing him, swaddling, soothing, swinging and shushing him. His poop went from yellow and seedy (which is what breast-fed baby poop should be) to green around that time. I googled the symptoms and got a bunch of stuff about how he wasn't getting enough 'hindmilk', that I had overabundant milk and he was only getting a flood of the early 'foremilk' and not the fatty stuff at the end. So I started nursing on one side at a time.

Fortunately for all of us, on day 14 we went to our glorious Pediatrician for his 2-week checkup. I told her about the green poop and the La Leche recommendations. She shrugged, "That may be true, but green poop usually means there's blood in the stool from an irritated digestive tract. The biggest culprit is milk protein, so you need to cut all dairy from your diet for the next two weeks and see if that helps." With a few stumbles backward, ("But I LIKE Almond Butter Thins. Surely if the butter is COOKED?") I quickly complied. All of a sudden we had a happy baby who only cried for a reason. Wow.

Prior to that doctor's appointment, I'd started fidgeting with my diet, but without her intervention, I have no idea how long it would have taken me to discontinue ALL dairy. We've wondered since how many kids with colic just have food issues? I know that most have other stuff going on, but it was such a simple solution for us that I hate to think of anyone suffering longer than necessary.

Anyway, today is Mom K's last full day here (cue the Hallelujah Chorus) so I took her out for lunch. The special was a Sandwich and Soup, and, of course the soup was a lovely Buttermilk Squash Bisque. Dairy based. Sigh... It's going on the list that I plan to wave in Brex's face any time a guilt trip is needed in the future. "You want a later curfew? How can you make me suffer like that after I gave up ice cream so you wouldn't cry?! The ingratitude of youth!"

Of course, the difference between contented Brex and screeching Brex is worth any price. Mom K complimented me on how good I kept in shape during the pregnancy and after. I can't take any credit since it's all the kid's fault. I guess he can wave that back in my face when I try to play the suffering card, "Sheesh, Mom, I made you stay thin and in good shape, and this is the thanks I get? Parents!"

Every time Mom K comments how good Brex is and that we'll never have any problems with him, I shake my head. There's no way that Jrex and I won't end up with a smart-aleck kid. It's going to be fun!

My recent attitude adjustment

2011-11-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

On Sunday morning, Mom K and I went to the front of the church together for communion. Jrex stayed with the baby in the pew. The church has an altar rail with kneelers in front of it that circles the base of the choir/preaching platform. Inside the rail are little individual cups of wine. After kneeling at the rail, the pastor comes over with a loaf of bread and offers, "The Body of Christ, broken for you". Holding the bread, you can pray for as long as you need to, then eat the bread and take the wine. I love having time to confess if I need to and really feel that as I take communion, I'm receiving God's mercy, both physically and spiritually.

Well, on Sunday, I had my attitude toward Mom K to work through. I felt convicted that I need to seek what I can receive from her rather than standing back with my arms folded and my barriers up. It helped that she was kneeling next to me as I prayed.

After church, we were chatting with friends. Mom K had stepped outside to make a phone call. One woman, the one who'd invited me to the Bible Study I go to on Fridays, asked how it was going. I explained Mom's 'no cry' philosophy and it's consequences. She laughed and gave me this eye opener, "When our third child was nine-months old, we were missionaries in the Solomon Islands. We lived in a village of 100 people. In the village, everyone could hear everything that happened in each others house. Culturally, they don't believe in ever letting a child cry for any reason. After 9 months of not sleeping, I was losing my mind. We were trying to train him to go to sleep and he was crying during the night. One night at 3 AM, there was a knock on the door. 'Why is M crying? We love him, we'll walk with him and help him to sleep!' I was ready to kill someone!"

I thanked her profusely for putting my situation into stark perspective. I've only got one woman judging me for letting him cry, I can't imagine having to worry about a whole village!

Since then, yes, I've still been hiding in our room a bit, but that's more just talk fatigue. When I'm with her, I feel much more open to listening to her wisdom and asking her questions. Of course, it's only been two days, but I'm hoping my attitude will stay adjusted!

Mixed Bag

2011-11-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Everything I've said about Mom K being here is true, but... I think I have a two-week limit. She's the best house guest ever: I came downstairs today and she was mopping the downstairs. Jrex finally had time to take her to Hmart on Saturday and we've been eating well ever since. She's wonderful at chattering to the baby and loving him, delighting in him, and nurturing him.

What's not to like?

The sad truth is, I don't think it's her, it's me. I like to think I'm a generous, go-with-the-flow extrovert (don't snort your drink when you laugh, Jrex, it's rude) who is happy to have people visit. There's some truth to that, but after two weeks, I'm feeling territorial and grumpy.

Today we went downtown and visited the Asian Art Museum and grabbed food from a Korean Taco Truck (Mom liked it, and she's now planning to do a better version next weekend. YUM.) Throughout her visit she's mentioned that she could live in Dallas. I just smile and don't say anything each time. As we walked around the clean arts district under a cloudless blue sky with a brisk, yet pleasant breeze, she said again that she could live here. Nod and smile. Inside though, it puts up my walls. Maybe if she lived her, she'd be less HERE than when she's visiting, or maybe she'd take over everything.

During our time together, she also said the following,

"When Jrex and YJ were young, I put them in lots of classes. I wanted them to find out what they liked to do. Better they have exposure to many things so they can socialize with anyone. YJ was very good at ballet, her teacher said she should do ballet, but I don't want her to be a ballet person, so I took her out of the class. Instead, I had her do ice skating. She broke her ankle doing a jump, I feel so bad to her for that.

"Jrex, I put him in Tae Kwan Do in 4th grade. He loved it, but he did it too much. At night I'd find him in the backyard doing it. He lost too much weight, so I made him stop in 7th grade.

"I told you he was so good at music. His clarinet teacher begged me to let him continue lessons, but I don't want him to be a musician, so I made him stop. He begged to try out for the school for the arts, but I don't want him to have a hard life. Being a musician is too hard. If he's good, too much travel. Hard to have a family. Hard to make a living."

She told me all this in a soft, loving voice. Truly feeling that she was doing her best to steer her children to happy, prosperous futures, she sees nothing wrong in her actions. I knew most of those stories already (she likes to tell them), but inside, my version of a tiger mom was rising up. Do NOT go near my child's future. If God designed him to be an artist, then that's what he'll be. Our role is to prayerfully lead him to fulfill what he's meant to do, not steer him to what we think is best. I realized that a big reason I have so many walls up where she's concerned is the control factor. True, it's not just hers, it's my control streak as well, but I do not want to let her mess with my son's head.

Another thing that's irritating me is that she keeps making me take pictures when she's holding him and she gets him to a point where he looks totally peaceful. "He's so pretty, he's such a gentleman, so peaceful." I get the feeling that she only wants to remember and talk about that version of him. To me, the implications that only one state of being is acceptable is NOT ok. He's a whole person: happy, irritable, mellow, intense. I don't want to pick and choose one aspect of his character and inflate that to be the whole picture. (I KNOW that I'm blowing it totally out of proportion, which is why I'm realizing I've hit my two-week limit).

The past two days I've found myself needing to be on the opposite floor to wherever she is with Brex. She's profoundly loving with him, but we've transitioned from having a happy, self-soothing baby to one who can't fall asleep easily unless he's held and walked. His night feedings have gone from 40-minutes of me half-asleep to two-and-a-half hour ordeals of me walking, soothing, rocking, soothing. If I let him cry too much, she asks me in the morning what happened. "YOU. You happened," is what I'm thinking, but I just shrug.

We've asked Mom to put Brex down when he's happy, mellow and heading toward sleep and let him put himself to sleep, but she can't handle the little squawks he makes as he settles into a nap. Instead she walks him and holds him until he's in a deep sleep. As much as we've asked her, she can't let him self-soothe (I think she barely agrees with a pacifier, much less having him fuss at all). Rather than hover and micromanage her, I've just been walking away. It's two more weeks. He'll then be seven-weeks old and we can work on setting up his schedule and figuring out his rhythm once she's gone. She's investing love and that doesn't hurt. I don't want her to think I'm trying to keep her away from the baby, but it's driving me crazy.

The good news is that I'm getting lots of stuff in the house organized!

One Month and counting

2011-10-29T15:22:00.001-07:00

You are one month old today. How can the world change so much in such a short amount of time? How have you impacted our lives?

When you’re falling asleep at night, if I’m not next to you when your eyes flicker open, you start to cry. Having your father next to you trying to soothe you doesn’t seem to be enough. I have to finish feeding you, put you into your co-sleeper (Dman and Singer gave us an in-bed cosleeper), and then remain next to you until you’re in deep sleep before using the bathroom, brushing my teeth or running down stairs to refill my water bottle. It’s a strange feeling to know that I’m someone’s magnetic north. I’m deeply humbled and awed when I think that I will define comfort, safety and home for you. I’m enjoying being that for you so far, but the ongoing implications are a bit daunting.
Over our 14 years of marriage, Jrex and I have journeyed from being each others’ best friends, to being co-habitating adversaries, then eventually making an emotionally charged journey back to being on the same team. My biggest fear in becoming parents was that we’d drift into different worlds and lose that sense of being in each others’ corner. Instead, as proved by how we’ve handled the Mom K visit, we’re definitely working well together. Our philosophical approach--that you’re important and valued, but you’re not in charge, we are--is the same. We agree on mostly trying to do a schedule and give you structure without being hardliners about it. Thank you for giving us the chance to parent you together.
You bring out your father’s silly side. He loves to tell you his plans for you: teaching you four-syllable words by the time you’re three, that you’re not allowed to have a Texas accent, that you’re going to be a north-easterner even if you’re being raised here and that you’ll treat your mother well (love that one!). Appa loves your dramatic hand gestures and makes up music or monologues to accompany them.
I’ve always thought that I’d be a mother someday and be good at it. There have been many times in the past 14 years when I feared that kids would never happen. That was the saddest thing I wrestled with as I waited, prayed and endured the hard times in this marriage. After a pregnancy where it was hard to believe we’d end up with a live, healthy kid, it’s been wonderful to discover that mothering you comes naturally. Sure, you’ve had your inconsolable days when I’ve had to put you down and walk away, but overall, we’re a good team.
Your poor Halmoni keeps asking us what we’re going to do for your one-month birthday and for Christmas. We’re obviously disappointing her when we say, “Nothing. He won’t remember what we do or don’t do at this point.” She shakes her head, “At least you do and take picture! It’s his first Christmas, you have to do something.” Hopefully, not having those pictures isn’t going to scar you forever...
You are a reminder that one can survive much suffering. Having your diaper changed appears to be almost as bad as having a finger cut off; yet you survive and smile soon after.

Race is in the eye of the beholder

2011-10-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Both OTRmama and my father have been clamoring for a blog post. I've had this one in mind for over two weeks now, but it's hard to find the head space to write. Having one's day cut up into two hour blocks with only an hour of free time within the two is more challenging than I thought.

Mom K is here through mid-November and it's hugely helpful that she takes care of Brex in-between feedings. I'd worried about so many things with her here for a month, but it's been good. She's letting me be the Mom (i.e., my bossy self) and follows my directions with Brex. Also, she's more than happy to hold him any time she can.

When OTRsis was here for the week after Brex's birth, we both thought Brex looked really Asian. This is a picture taken while she was here. (That onesie is for my father's benefit! Dad is Michigan born and bred)

We even had a conversation with Jrex where OTRsis insisted that Brex had black hair. We both shook our heads, No, definitely brown.

A week ago, a family we're friends with came for lunch (Jrex and Dman were at Hopkins together, they both work down here now). Dman and his wife, Singer are both ethnically Taiwanese and have two kids, Eager Girl and Mellow Boy.

Here's Muttola waiting to welcome the visitors...

While they were here, Singer exclaimed about how light Brex's hair is. "It's blonde!" Jrex and I laughed and shook our heads, "No, definitely brown." Yet, it was true that our Hapa boy looked more white when seen with Asian kids.

We've found out that the local public elementary school is an immersion program with bilingual English/Spanish classrooms. Two teachers, half the kids native English speakers and half native Spanish. We're excited for him to grow up at least bilingual, and if we can figure out a way to squeeze Korean in there, somewhat trilingual. Of course, in a Hispanic context, he may even look Latino!

With Mom K, every day she sees something different in him. One day he looks white to her, the next day, 'just like Jrex'. Brex definitely has his father's hands and feet (which makes me really happy), and his individual features look more like Jrex, but his face and expressions look just like my baby pictures.

I'm enjoying having this ever-morphing kid. It's going to be fun to watch others' perceptions of him and his perceptions of himself take shape.

Notes from the other side

2011-10-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

For the past week, my fabulous sister has been here. Because of her know-how and ability to get Brex (Baby Rex--love it!) to go to sleep (as well as her willingness to change diapers!), I've felt like I have training wheels for this new parenting deal. She's also helped clean the house, make dinners and do dishes. Between her and Jrex, I've felt like all I have to do is figure out Brex. For the most part, I've been happily surprised by how the overwhelming love for the little one outweighs the exhaustion. Much of that however, is due to my sister taking Brex whenever he's been fussy and then getting him to go to sleep. If I try to get him to sleep, he's too busy rooting into my arm or shoulder to settle. I keep looking at him and mournfully asking, "Don't you like me for my personality?" Based on the scrunch-faced tears I get right after the question, I'm guessing the answer is no.

Throughout the pregnancy, I kept finding out that my theoretical hippie approach was outweighed by my pragmatic streak. The one area where I didn't plan to do the 'hippie' version was with the baby's sleeping habits. Knowing how much I need sleep, my plan was to give Brex a couple weeks, maybe a month sleeping in the co-sleeper that Jrex's sister gave us. Letting Brex sleep in the same room as us, but not our bed seemed like a fair compromise. Overall though, I was going to aim for a schedule and sleep in the nursery crib as soon as possible. As it turns out, if Brex is next to me, he eats/sleeps in four-hour blocks, if left in the co-sleeper, I'm lucky if he eats/sleeps in a three-hour cycle. Despite my theoretical pragmatist, it's so much easier to have the baby in bed and do easy feeding and sleep cycles. Definitely not our long-term plan, but for now, he's hard to resist.

OTRsis leaves Saturday and then it's just us for the next twelve days before Mom Kim comes. I think those days without outside help will be challenging, but good. My hormones finally dropped a bit today (I got very weepy when faced with a few challenges) so if that continues, then next week will be even more of an adventure. Jrex is planning to just do a couple hours each day in lab so that he can be around to help.

Before now, I've always called the first three months of a baby's life The Blob Phase. I just haven't found them all that interesting. Good thing biology kicks in and I find this particular Blob utterly fascinating. His facial expressions crack me up, even the way he warms up toward crying is amusing. Jrex seems similarly affected which is really fun to watch.

Mom K has asked for pictures, so I'm trying to send her a "Daily Brex" via text message. My sister pointed out that my Dad and brother might also enjoy that. I asked if she wanted one, too and she did. I guess that means that I've already become one of THOSE parents, huh?

More details than you really want!

2011-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Tuesday:

The doorbell is ringing and the mutt starts whining and barking. I’m upstairs and rush to change from pajamas to something presentable. Whoever is at the door keeps banging on the door and ringing the bell. The dog is in a frenzy. I hurry down the stairs and Muttola comes to meet me. We get entangled and I land on the floor on knees, elbow and dog. It didn’t feel like I hit my pregnant belly though my stomach muscles felt a little achy from the jostle. I answer the door to find one of the workmen who’ve been repairing our front porch.

The rest of the day I work from the couch with my feet up and ice packs for my knees. Throughout the day I feel the baby moving and have no cramps or discharge, so it doesn’t seem like anything happened. Phew!

I end up working until 2 AM to whip the presentation for Friday into shape so the team can review it.

Wednesday:
(the beginning of potentially too much detail...)

After my late night, I sleep in until 9:30, completely taking advantage of working west coast hours. I step into the shower at 10:20. While in the shower, it feels like I’m wetting myself, which is weird since I used the toilet just before getting in the shower. I finish cleaning up and use the toilet again. It still seems like pee. However, when I get up to put moisturizer on, there’s liquid trickling on my legs. Hmm...well, if it’s amniotic fluid, they have to get the baby out within 24 hours, so I put an overnight pad on, get dressed, head downstairs and upload the files I’ve been working on so that a coworker can take over the project. I email my teams that I’m heading to the hospital, call the doctor’s office, call Jrex, load the car and head out.

People had been warning us to have our bags packed. I’d sort-of done a bag for myself and one for the baby, but I was missing a bunch of stuff recommended in the birthing class (Depends diapers for one. Ugh.). Fortunately, I HAD installed the car seat base. So, my pioneer life/Amish pregnancy continued as I drove myself to the hospital. Since I wasn’t having any contractions, it was much less harrowing (or studly) than it sounds.

Jrex joined me in triage where they figured out it WAS my water breaking and admitted me. My fabulous OB met us in the room and inserted a device with meds that would help soften my cervix. There’s a scale for how inducible a woman is, they prefer to give Pitocin when she’s at 8 and I was at 2 (out of 10). The med would stay in for 12 hours and then, pending the result, they’d start the Pitocin at 4 AM. I started contractions around midnight: I could sleep around them, wake for them and then go back to sleep. By 4 AM I was 1 cm dilated, so a much better candidate for the induction.

I’d told the doctor I wanted to try natural, but I also knew that Pitocin induced labor would be fairly intense, so wasn’t holding natural childbirth too tightly.

With the Pitocin, at first I was able to geek out and use the contraction counter app on my phone to help. It was comforting to know I was at 30 seconds of the pain wave with only another 30-45 seconds to go. At first I lay in the hospital bed, but then they brought me a ‘birthing ball’ (i.e. a balance ball). It helped to be able to rock during the contraction. Of course, NEXT Monday was the birthing class on breathing, but I made something up that seemed to be helpful. Eventually the contractions were coming every 3 minutes for a minute long. I actually was falling completely asleep between each one, which was a little freaky given that I sat on a balance ball with my arms wrapped around a pillow on the bed. I had them switch the hospital bed to a birthing stool formation. Sitting in that meant that sleeping was easier between the contraction, but more painful during.

During the contraction, I kept thinking of things I wanted to tell Jrex, but then I’d fall asleep the instant the contraction finished. Eventually I was able to get out that if I was less than 4 cm when the Dr arrived to check me, I wanted drugs. I couldn’t imagine hours and hours of the pain wave.

Poor Dr N arrived to check me at 10:30 AM. He had to wait to do the check when I was between contractions. At that point, I had NO restraint in me and I exclaimed, “Ow, ow, OW!” the whole time he was checking me. When he was done he pronounced me completely effaced, but only two cm dilated. Without censor or care, I blurted out, “Fuck that! I want the epidural!” They all burst out laughing.

Within five minutes the doctor with his beautiful drugs rescued me and I fell asleep.

A few hours later, I was able to chat on the phone with my sister and send out text updates. A resident checked me at 3:30 PM and I was at 7 cm. Dr N arrived at 5 pm, found me at 10 cm and declared it was time to push. He left me with Jrex and our nurse. At 5:20 or so, they each grabbed a leg and helped coach me through pushing through the contraction. Jrex was awesome about having his arm completely behind my back and forcing me into a strong crunch position. I think it’s to his credit that after only an hour, Dr N and half the hospital were back in the room for the catch.

I believe my famous last words when I saw the purple cone-head child emerge were, “Look, Jrex, it’s a person!” The baby’s head was so big that his cone-head actually had a bend in it! They put him on me to say hello while Jrex cut the cord. Then the nurses and Jrex took the baby over to a warming station to clean him up while Dr N and a resident stitched up my 2nd degree tear (which was NOT bad for such a big headed baby).

When they brought the munchkin back and most people had cleared the room, I tried to nurse. Feeling a bit like a little kid who puts a doll to her chest, I went through the motions I’d seen in the videos, and to my shock, it seemed to work! He latched on really well and seemed to get a good drink from both sides.

We arrived upstairs at 7:30 pm. and the beginning of ‘your life will never be the same’ began!

It’s now Saturday morning and we’ll head home soon. My sister arrives this afternoon for a week (I’m very excited to hang out with her during this transitional week. She’s got lots of practical wisdom and is also a lot of fun. The next immediate adventure is introducing the baby to the dog!

How can you help? I need a name to use on the blog for the baby! Any suggestions?

Getting to know you

2011-09-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

We went around the room doing introductions: a labor & delivery nurse, a stay-at-home Mom, a Mary Kay rep (and great-grandmother) in her 80's, a single woman who is a Counselor, a Grandma, a Mom/part-time finance person (with three adopted children), Counselor/Mom, Mom, Mom, and then our fearless leader. This group has met for years on Friday mornings: a tight-knit group who've mostly lived in Oak Cliff all their lives. I was invited to join them by a woman at Tyler Methodist.

I joined the study in the second week. They're going through a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus". It's a study of the book of Luke that takes 18 weeks. After a warm welcome, the group had a lot of questions for me:

"When are you due? Two weeks! My goodness, you're tiny. What are you having? Where is your house? How long have you been here. Are you working?"

"Where's your mother?" (this from the labor/delivery nurse). I answered, "She's been dead for 14 years." With a sympathetic shrug she continued, "Well, maybe it's a God thing you're in this group, we're all happy to help with baby stuff!"

Other women chimed in, "Yeah, I have a 14-year old and a 17-year old who love to babysit. Heck, I'm underemployed right now, I'll come babysit!" "Bring the baby to the group, we'll all love to take turns holding him."

After years of being one of the 'old married people' compared to many of the people in my small groups, being in a group of women that includes a great-grandmother (with fiesty red hair) is wonderful. I also loved that the discussion was very earthy and authentic. It didn't feel like 'Southern Hospitality' where there's a facade of warmth, but then people are stuck with masks (stereotype, I know!).

-------------
One of the other things we did with Mom K was to go to a neighborhood bbq in the next block. The hosts were a lesbian couple with twins (one has my first name, the other has a variation on my middle name. Easy to remember!). We sat across the circle of chairs from them and Mom K kept thinking that the guy sitting next to the couple was the Dad. It must have taken 10 variations of me or Jrex saying, "No, it's the two women in the red baseball hats. They're the parents." She also thought there were a lot of housemates there, she didn't realize they were all gay couples.

One of the older gentlemen at the event is actually Santa Claus. He drives a red car with a vanity plate and does dozens of gigs each season. Apparently he really decks out his house, too.

We found out a ton of gossip about our house. They called the guy two owners ago "Na zi Ni ck"; I didn't find out why because his mother was chatting with another group nearby, but I'd met her and she's a really interesting woman who's originally from Germany. I HOPE the name isn't a reference to her heritage, cause that would be really lame. Especially since the woman who was telling me was also going on and on about the super-organic day care that she runs. She called the most recent owner "Daddy War bucks" because he was bald and poured so much money into this house. When we explained which house we'd bought, many of them exclaimed, "Oh! You bought Big Brown!"

I guess this is the joy and the craziness of a "real" neighborhood, huh? People have been here for years and know each others' histories. I wonder what nicknames we'll end up getting? Probably "The Slackers"! We were informed that our street goes nuts with Hallowe'en decorations and Christmas--we've NEVER been good with that. The guy across the street from us does a hearse filled with dry ice, people drop off car loads of children to trick-or-treat our street. I think that this year we have a valid out due to the baby, but I guess we'll be in trouble if we opt out in the future. Guess we still had better stock up on candy, huh? Mom K will be back with us for Halloween this year. Should be fun (and very amusing).

It was strange to go from that BBQ to the Bible study. For the area within a few blocks of us, we have one of the bigger houses and seem like 'rich' people. A little further north in Oak Cliff, there's an area called Kessler Park that has really big mansions, rolling hills, and a golf course. The Bible study is in a house just off the golf course. In that group, I'm definitely NOT one of the rich ones. (Note: the houses below ARE in Kessler, but they're much bigger than the house where the study is...)

We went to a pool party yesterday to welcome new faculty. Jrex was one of the guests of honor. THAT neighborhood has "Oh-My-God!" mansions. It's in a northern part of Dallas that's very wealthy. It all circles back to making me so, so grateful for the house/street/neighborhood where we get to raise a kid. I love the diversity around us and that there's a mix of rich and poor and that we'll get to know people from so many walks of life.

Remembering

2011-09-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

Mom K came for a short visit this week. Sept 17 was the second anniversary of Jrex's father's death and she wanted us to spend time remembering him and praying together.

As we prepared for Saturday, I asked lots of questions to try to understand the background and culture for how she wanted to do things. Here's the summary:

Traditionally for the anniversary of a parent's death, the children gather, but so do any other family members who are able to come. In non-Christian Korean tradition, everyone bows to the dead relative's picture and a feast is prepared in their honor. The belief is that on that day the spirit of the ancestor visits the home. Mom didn't say this, but the implication seemed to be that you want the spirit to see that everyone and everything is fine so they won't need to hang around. It's also a way for the dead person to see the family's esteem for them. To my relief, Mom said she doesn't believe that the spirit shows up, she believes that Dad is in heaven, but that he's aware of what we're doing.

As a result, the whole meal was food that Dad would have liked: a wonderful seafood stew (squid, scallops, fish, mushrooms, tofu and other ingredients) and another stew filled with variations of rice cakes. Of course, there were also lots of side dishes. When setting the table, all the settings were white (placemats, napkins, etc). Most of the time, we use cloth napkins, but Dad always asked for a paper towel, so we set the table with paper towels. Mom wore an all white outfit. Neither of us had known about the white stipulation, so we just wore ordinary clothing.

For the ceremony, Mom bought flowers. Five big roses for her, Jrex, me, his sister and her husband and two small roses for Asian niece and our unborn son. I printed out a picture of Dad and put it into a frame I had. She bought a new candle that we lit and placed in front of the picture and the flowers.

Mom had prepared scriptures she wanted us to read about the resurrection and how we have hope. Then we sang Amazing Grace (Dad's favorite) and each of us prayed and thanked God for his life. Mom shared memories of their life together. She was honest and laughingly said, "Jrex knows, when Daddy was alive, I complained about him. When he died, I saw how much he did and how I didn't have to worry about things because he took care of them. When he was alive, I thought all problems were him, after he died, I realized it was me, too. If I had to do it all over again, I would choose him. No one else is like him." She spoke about how hard it was to move to a new country and learn a new language at the ages of 38 and 32. I'd been afraid that it would feel like a strange combination of animism/Buddhism and Christianity, but it was just a good time to remember together.

She asked what my family does to remember my Mom's death. I was embarrassed to admit that after the first year when we gathered together, we mostly just called each other on that day. And that now, 14 years later, we rarely do that. It sounds like she expects to keep doing something for Dad the rest of her life. She also made it sound like it was a really big deal that we need to show up at her house next year for this. She said that her community in NYC keep asking her questions. Her implication was that they are judging her for having disrespectful children who neglect their parents. We do need to go and help her sort and clear out her house, so we might as well go at that time and deal with all of it together.

Do any of you remember those who have died with any special ceremony? Have you experienced another culture's ceremonies?

We ARE the bad kids in the back of the class

2011-09-12T19:49:00.001-07:00

First of four "Prepared Childbirth" classes tonight. I think that Jrex and I are definitely in the 'which of these is not like the others?' category. All the other parents seemed to be doing the blissed out, miracle of baby thing. Of course, most of the people in the class are having their kids in late November or December. NO one else has procrastinated as badly as we have (we're due 7 days after the class finishes...whoops). I thought the whole focus was going to be on labor and delivery, but this first class was all about interviewing and then introducing the people in your little group. Discussing a chart of pregnancy symptoms and how to relieve them, hearing about the right biomechanics to use during pregnancy, etc.

Given the fact that I sit on a balance ball all day as my 'chair', it was amusing/annoying when they spent 10 minutes going over the benefits of using one. I do think that it's been a big part of why I can still pick things up off the floor (plié/relevé...hips apart and down, swoop and rise) and why I'm not getting back pain. Apparently, it can also help get the kid into the right position in my body. I don't know if it's true or not, but they said it might help avoid backache labor. I'll let you know.

We were in the second-to-last row making snarky comments to each other the whole class. He kept correcting the teachers' anatomy explanations (in a whisper to me), I kept muttering about having to hear about how to manage pregnancy symptoms. After I checked off what symptoms I've had and it was only a third of the preggers possibilites, I poked him in the arm, "You are SO lucky! This could have been so much worse." He raised his eyebrows and peered at me over the top of his glasses, "No, YOU are so lucky." I laughed, "I KNOW I'm lucky, I just don't think you appreciate how lucky YOU are. You should be much more grateful for how easy I've made this for you!"

During class, the baby was really pushing and stretching and making me uncomfortable, I nudged him again, "This child is already a trouble-maker. He's definitely YOUR son." Jrex shook his head in mock sadness, "I keep having to point out to you that this whole thing was YOUR idea!"

Everyone else was being wonderful and polite and listening intently to the teacher. Oops. On the way home I commented that it's a good thing we weren't in high school together cause we'd have gotten into lots of trouble. I could blame Jrex, but really, since 10th grade, I've consistently been the bad kid in the back of the class. It must drive teachers crazy to have me around: I'm paying attention and listening, but usually just restless enough to make comments to people sitting near me. I've sat giggling through way too many classes, sermons and lectures with a wide variety of people for me to be able to blame Jrex.

How are we going to NOT corrupt a child?

Follow up to my friendly email

2011-09-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

Remember this post? I emailed a local blogger to try to connect. For weeks I heard nothing back from her and assumed my email had ended up in her junk folder and been lost forever. I was a little bummed, but shrugged it off. A couple weeks ago, this showed up in my inbox:

I am a terrible, terrible person.
Got your email and then my life got crazy.
Love that you're here - unless of course you've moved because it was so long ago that you wrote this - and would love to get together. We're in your neck of the woods a little and could meet you for lunch.
You have an amazing story and I'd love to hear more!
Let me know when you're available and I'll take you to lunch to make up for my rude delayed response. I blame the children.

We ended up getting together a week later. She's as funny in person as she seemed she'd be. Even though we were in a chic coffee shop with all kinds of posh drink options she asked the waitress in a conspiratorial tone, "I know this is a violation of everything your shop stands for, but would it be possible to get a Diet Coke?"

For over two hours we chatted. She wanted more details about how Jrex and I ended up in Dallas, how I got from there to here, how my childhood impacted my life. She shared some of what her kids are dealing with. Unlike my parents, she and her husband have continued to attend the suburban church that 'sent' them into West Dallas. For a long time, this has kept them in a limbo where they were "in but not of" two very different worlds. In the past year, they've begun to hunt for a neighborhood-based church option. Their part of Dallas is primarily African-American and I think it's been rare for her to be able to talk with a peer who understands the mentality of both the inner city as well as wealthy suburban culture.

I could also relate stories of how our church handled our Wednesday night dinner & worship service (we had a fun activity after the worship so people were more likely to stay for the whole evening. Grocery Bingo, anyone?), how I'd worked with kids and had to start by getting them to respect me before worrying about them liking me. She kept bemoaning that they'd done everything backwards.

I hope we can spend more time together in the years to come. She's amazing and her family all sound like people worth knowing. It's fun to reach out and have good things happen. It's part of what I enjoy about moving--connecting to different people around the country.

One of my college friends had an interesting suggestion for me. I told her about the conversation with MH and how part of me wishes I had time to commit to being a mentor and working with her husband and their program (they connect mentors when a kid is in 4th grade and ask for a commitment between mentor and kid until the kid graduates from high school!) My college friend suggested that I ask MH if she knows a teenage Mom who might want to get together with me for Mommy play dates after our kid is born. A way to combine both of us figuring out motherhood together with mentoring. I keep forgetting to email MH about it, but this post is a good reminder! Mom's out there, is that taking on too much? Should I wait and see how much time/energy I have? Or set something up now?

So much to say

2011-09-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Baby update
The fluid in the kidneys went down, so no worries there. The Kid is on track in terms of size, weight gain, amniotic fluid, head down, etc. In fact, everything looked so good that Dr. N doesn't need to see us for two weeks (we go back next Monday). Jrex asked Dr. N if he thought it would be o.k. if we took a weekend trip down to Austin (3-hour drive). Dr. N laughed and said, "No. Try Ft. Worth instead."

So we did.

Weekend activities
I dragged Jrex over to the Modern last Saturday. We both loved it. Here he is playing with echoes inside a huge sculpture.
Here I am in front of my current art crush, Anselm Keifer:

Also by Kieffer:

After lunch in the museum café, we checked out a Ft. Worth wine shop. Jrex was underwhelmed. So far, he's found a decent, but overpriced, shop in Dallas, as well as another that's better in price, but with more limited selection. I'm amused that I've learned Dallas geography through furniture shopping while he's getting to know it through his hunt for a good wine store.

Speaking of furniture shopping, Lowes had a big end-of-season sale, so we stopped by Sunday afternoon and picked up patio furniture. Sunday night the weather broke (went from 100's to 80's overnight), so Monday we had a wonderful time in the yard putting this together:

The timing was perfect since we had a family of four come over for Asian potluck on Monday night. I made Korean ribs and bought side dishes from Hmart, she made shrimp and broccoli as well as homemade ice cream and dessert rolls stuffed with Hawaiian plantains and jack fruit.

This family lives a block away (I introduced myself to them a while ago. Cause I'm pushy like that...) Anyway, we really enjoyed our time with them. Their little 3-year old girl followed Muttola around the whole evening. The mutt wasn't sure why there was a kid with a hand on her back the whole night, but she tolerated it fairly well. The wife commented a couple times that since she moved here a year ago from the Philippines, this is the first time they've done dinner with another family. Turns out the husband is also an avid Yankees fan, so I foresee some World Series nights in our future (how I suffer).

Sunday night, Enthusiastic Scientist and two of his friends came by the house. From our place, we walked two blocks to the Bishop Arts District for a Margarita fest. For $20, attendees sampled margaritas from 20 restaurants. There were also street tacos and BBQ sandwiches for sale. After getting some food with the group, it wasn't that exciting for me to wait in line for margaritas I couldn't enjoy (plus the gravity of my heavy belly caught up with me) so I headed home early. On the way, I passed a neighbor's porch. He was out there with two other couples and invited me to come up and join them. The other people all live within a few blocks; one of the couples has two boys: a 3-year and a 1-year old. They were happy to hear that we're adding to the neighborhood boy quota. I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with sidewalks and front porches, but without white picket fences (ha!). Who knew I'd find that in Dallas!

Church home?
On Sunday, Jrex and I visited Tyler Street Methodist (TSM). I'd visited once before and felt at home there. It's ironic that after growing up in a quirky Lutheran church, then attending non-denominational charismatic churches, we might end up back in a quirky yet 'traditional' church for raising our family.

Oak Cliff churches seem to do a lot of self-segregation: white, black, OR hispanic. In general, there are few Asians in the area and I haven't seen any in the other churches I've visited. TSM has a white guy as Senior Pastor, a black woman as Associate Pastor and an Asian woman as Director of Music and Fine Arts. Sprinkled throughout the mostly white congregation are Asians, Hispanics, and African-Americans. People are really friendly without being creepy and they feel very alive and genuine. Overall, the church is deeply involved in the neighborhood, many live here, others work and volunteer locally. The church runs a private K-12 academy, a retirement community and is involved in a local AIDS hospice. They do drama (Cottonpatch Gospel performance), music (Jazz Vespers coming up) as well as various Bible study groups and life groups (parenting/financial training/men's breakfast, etc).

It must be my nesting urge in overdrive: my normal pattern is to want to check out every option before picking one, but this time, I liked the church when I visited, wanted Jrex to give a thumbs up or down (he gave thumbs up) and am happy to just start going there and see what happens.

Jrex started his first 'real' job!
Yesterday was the first day at UT. Jrex is getting a nice sized lab (room for eight people to work), plus an attached office for his private domain. The guy who'd been in the space is being moved elsewhere in the building (the whole floor is getting shuffled around for lots of reasons, not just Jrex's arrival). He's mostly out, but lots of his equipment is still in the space. Fortunately, Jrex gets along well with the guy's lab manager and they're working together to clear out the rest of the lab. Jrex's lab tech starts today (he hired her over the phone based on a strong recommendation from Enthusiastic Scientist), so they'll be meeting each other for the first time this morning.

The father of lung cancer research at UT, JM, took Jrex around to introduce him to everyone on the floor. He also invited Jrex to join them this morning as they interviewed another prospective person. Overall, everyone was warm and welcoming. JM's administrator took Jrex to get his ID picture taken and show him around the campus. She commented that as much as JM enjoys science, his real passion if for mentoring people. After being in a sink-or-swim lab that's welcome news!

---------
I NEVER thought I'd be saying this, but it really does feel like Dallas, TX is the right place and the right time for us. After so many years of uphill battles and frustration, it feels oddly disorienting to be in the 'sweet spot' where everything feels like it's coming together.

Of course, with a baby coming into the equation, this may just be the calm before the storm, right? (hmm...perhaps Jrex's ability to find the dark cloud on a sunny day is rubbing off on me...)

All's well that ends well

2011-08-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

My big projects for work are done and therefore, I've been avoiding the computer. It's been lovely! Well, except for what I've been doing now that I'm not tied to my desk: trying to get a Texas driver's license.

In every other state I've lived in, you trek to the DMV and wait in line and they deal with everything all at once. Perhaps you have to get the car inspected, but they can handle everything else with one stop. Not here in oddly bureaucratic Texas (Republicans AND lots of red tape? Seems contradictory...)

When moving from out of state before one can procure a driver's license, the car has to be registered! And before registering you need car insurance and an inspection. THEN you have to go downtown to register the car and pick up the plates. Only after that can you go through the traditional DMV hell. Which is in an entirely different location.

Unfortunately for me, not only did I have to do all that, my California license expired on my birthday in late July, so I had to do the written and driving exams. At 2:30 yesterday, I passed the written test, but they said I didn't have enough time to take the driving test before they closed at 4:30. Back I went this morning.

"Go wait in line 10, ma'am."

I walked to the back of the building and saw a line of 10 people waiting in front of counter 10. There were empty chairs in the middle of the room, so, being 5 weeks away from delivering a big-headed baby boy, I pulled one into the line so I wouldn't be on my feet while waiting. Apparently, the rule that people in Texas are nice ends at the door to the DMV. The woman running station 10 called over the counter, "Ma'am, I need you to put that chair away and stand in line." I raised my eyebrows at her and shrugged as I followed instructions. Everyone else in the line gave me a sympathetic look.

When we got to the front, the older man in front of me gestured for me to go ahead of him. I smiled and shook my head and indicated he should go ahead. He tried to argue, but Bossy Lady called him forward.

While he was still standing in front of her, she beckoned to me. I went to the counter and started to put my Kindle away and get out my paperwork. "You don't have your paperwork ready?" She beckoned the guy behind me to step up to the counter. I stared at her in disbelief as she proceeded to handle all his stuff, answer two phone calls and then finally process my stuff.

I wonder if it was racial. I was one of only two white patrons in the building the whole time I was there. The guy behind me was her race. Could have been she assumed I was presuming on white privilege, or could have been innocent, but the combo of incidents was NOT pleasant.

THEN, it was still going to be over two hours before I could take the driving test! I went home, made lunch and then headed back down to purgatory. To take the driving test, I had to wait in my car in a line of cars, in the lovely temperate Dallas weather (105 degrees in the sun) for over 45-minutes. I thought my air conditioning was going to die.

When it was time to take the test, I was super careful, looked both ways at every intersection, slowed down and looked both ways when crossing the railroad tracks and thought I'd aced it. The tester told me I hadn't looked both ways (I guess just using my eyes wasn't enough, I should have turned my whole head each time), I'd not used my turn signal when parallel parking (fair), and hadn't stopped at the line for the stop signs. Thankfully, I passed anyway.

She then told me to go back to line 10 to get my license.

Sigh.

Fortunately, there wasn't a line.

A Christian conundrum

2011-08-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I just read a post on Gifts in the Journey that sparked this (long!) comment in reply. Since I rarely make time anymore to be philosophical, I wanted to share it with the rest of you as well.

As I've mentioned before, I grew up in a Christian family, but because we chose voluntary poverty and chose to live in a 'rough' area, I also grew up where prayer was super practical. Mom and Dad, not knowing where the next meal would come from, praying for food and there would be provision. At the same time, we also grew up surrounded by death and violence. (in the same year--I was 4--our Pastor's grown daughter was murdered by an ex-boyfriend and my godfather was hit in the head by a kid with a baseball bat and died 6-months later.) So my parents could never give us a simplistic version of faith where God would always make everything better. In fact my Mom often struggled with the idea that as much as she loved the Lord, she didn't trust him to "do her good". Toward the end of her life, while dying of cancer, she got a revelation of God's Father love that really changed her. She wasn't healed, but her joy in the midst of dying was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Part of what's hard about prayer is that (at least in the Christian version) it's as much a reflection of the relationship as it is about a formula or set of words. There's a reason that Jesus' revolutionary prayer begins with "Our Father". Not "My Father" not "Our Holy Director". It's about community with others and communion in a loving relationship with God. The problem is that when we go through really crappy life events, it's really hard to reconcile that with a loving Father and, and, frankly, the 'gimmee' faith that I've seen in many American churches makes that wresting match all the more confusing. It also makes it harder to find a community where honest struggle is welcomed.

My husband has been wrestling with these sorts of questions for much of our marriage. For three or four years I gave him a string of rah-rah answers, the lines that had been fed to me. In the end, I did a study of the book of Job where I went through and underlined in one color the things I heard him saying, in another color what people from our church told him, and another for what I was saying to him. It seemed like there were three approaches: God IS responsible and I want him to answer (Job/Jrex); God is always good and this bad stuff has happened because you deserve it (Job's three friends/church); and It's a mystery, we just have to trust (Elihu/me). In the end, God did answer Job, but the answer was mostly a non-answer where God basically says, I'm really big and most of what I do is beyond your capacity to execute or even fully understand. Somehow in the end, that glimpse of God's reality is enough that Job says he gets it. I don't fully understand it as an interaction, but it seems like there was something in that to reconnect the relationship enough for Job to return to a trusting relationship.

Again in the NT, Paul comes to the point where he questions why God does what He does and again, it's a non-answer, "Who are you to question God?" I find that one of the really difficult things about the Christian faith: the reality that Why? won't necessarily be answered. Perhaps Who? and What For? might get clarified, but going down the Why? road seems to lead to a lot of despair. There is a lot in the NT about counting suffering as joy and being thankful in all circumstances that I still don't understand. That somehow mixes into the life of prayer and the living of life in a way I don't often see modeled in the States.

For me, I've had enough relational encounters with Jesus/God that I can't walk away from the reality of his existence. Some of the theology/philosophy around who he is can be confusing, but the core of knowing he's real and trusting that somehow, somewhere along the road he'll use all this still feels true.

I found this verse last night in Hosea: "For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, And in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." As much as Jrex isn't sure about a lot of the Christian faith, he trusts that Jesus died and rose and that heaven is real. Somehow that's been the thin thread that he's held onto and that verse spoke to me about God's attitude toward that. The person who chooses to not completely walk away is someone of great worth to Him. I think of that in your honesty and hope that maybe there's something worthwhile in prayer, there is great worth.

Working from home

2011-08-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

I mentioned (whined) about the air conditioning breaking three times in the first month we (I) were in the house.

Part of the huge impact on me was that I really need my desk. I'm a bit quirky in that I need an organized environment in order to be truly creative. Even in college, I'd have to clean and organize my Art Barn space before beginning to paint. (I also have to do that in the kitchen before cooking.) Being 'homeless' and not able to work in my office made it that much harder to hit the insane deadlines that were being thrown my way. My brain felt fogged and it was hard to get into right-brain mode.

Since the second-floor AC still worked, I ended up perching on the loveseat in our room (not such a bad place to work, but it wasn't my custom built desk! Plus baby-belly hunched over a laptop=not comfy!) (I know, I know, "first world problems", right?)

Now that the AC is fixed, I love our office (bonus: replacing the fan motor got rid of the floor vibration completely). I say 'our' because Jrex is sharing the room with me. It's not as bad as it sounds. As you can see in the picture below, I intentionally set up my desk so that I won't see any visual "distractions" while working. (Let's just say one of us needs clean surfaces to have a calm mind and the other prefers the 'geological' method of organization. That is, finding where something is in the pile based on time of deposit.)

No office is complete without timezone clocks. The black frame is for me in Dallas, with the others for coworkers in Boston and California. It must be the visual thinker in me, but it really helps not to have to 'translate' what time it is.

As of September 6th, Jrex will have an office at UT, but since so much of his impending work will involve writing grants and responding to emails, it makes sense for him to have an office at home. Upon arrival here, we realized that even though the master bedroom closet IS huge, it's not THAT big. Fitting a desk would have been tight (and hot). Having this home office for Jrex also means he'll be able to come home early, play with the kid, and then continue working.

He has 1/3 of the room to the right of the arch while the daybed (for overflow guests as well as a place to brainstorm, sketch and edit) and my area take up 2/3rds.

Thus far, I'm enjoying the expected perks that come with working from home: wearing comfortable clothing, being able to sleep in, being able to take breaks to deal with contractors and repair people, not having as many distractions, and being able to take a nap as needed. The surprise is how aggravating it is being two-hours ahead of my coworkers. It messes up my mealtimes and means I don't get an evening. I often finish work at 8:30 or 9 pm and then have to figure out food (which keeps me up late, wakes me up late and costs the morning as well as the evening). That part should be better in September when there's not as much going on, but there's no guarantee in this business.

It's good to be able to check off another life fantasy ("if only I could work from home and make a good living, everything would be better"). This solution has been great for our transition to Dallas and should be good for the first year of the kid's life, but I don't see it being a long-term solution. It works out well since my company is nuts and burns people out faster than a six-year old boy who's found a box of matches. I'm really hoping to get the brain space to stop talking about my job so much and be able to LIVE outside of work.

Ahhh...

2011-08-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

She knows the routine. If we get in the car and she doesn't have her collar on, we're going to the airport. In general, she's just happy to be in on the action and doesn't care who we're picking up. Most of the time, as someone approaches the car, she starts wiggling and wagging her tail and getting excited. It's only polite in the doggie world, right?

At the airport, I saw him waiting at the curb with a big grin when he saw us pulling up. In the back seat, she froze like a pointer dog on a hunt. "Is it? Could it be?" YES! The wiggle waggle shook the car. I got out to open the back while the two of them reunited through the car window. When it was my turn, I didn't wag quite as much on the outside, but I was just as happy.

He's already claiming his man kitchen. Veggie egg scramble and buckwheat pancakes for brunch. I think my quality of life is about to improve a hundred-fold! Or at least the quality of what I eat.

As promised, he gets this week mostly off from social obligations, but I'm lining them up for the week after. I ran into our neighbor in the grocery store and got her phone number (she doesn't know it yet, but I'm grooming her for my 'adopt-a-grandma' project), another neighbor is going to come over to look at our dysfunctional garage door tomorrow, so we'll likely invite him for dinner, and then we have the couple with the two young kids to invite. Also on the docket are the two couples we knew before moving here.

Let the games begin! (or at least the home fires on our awesome cooktop stove)

When procrastinating might be a BAD idea...

2011-08-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I'm waiting for Jrex to get into town before we deal with baby stuff, right? (He's coming Saturday, I'm SO excited to have him back!!!)

Anyway, this morning I had a sonogram. At the 21-week anatomy scan, the tech noticed that the baby's kidneys are a little enlarged and they recommended a follow-up scan at 32 weeks to make sure everything was fine. Basically, the kidney size was at the high end of normal. The issue is that if they are too enlarged, it may indicate that there's a blockage and fluid isn't draining properly. In the worst case scenario, that could mean kidney tissue is getting damaged.

In today's look/see, the kidneys were still at the high end of normal. Everything else was fine. The Kid continues to hide his face with his hands, keep his head down and flaunt the rest of himself. The tech estimated his weight at 4 lb 10 oz, which freaked me out, "Wait, I have eight more weeks to go! How big is he going to get!? Is his head big?" She went back to measure the head and said it was definitely big, but not overly so. I think I've mentioned that Jrex's Mom loves to tell me how he was so hard to get out and almost killed her cause of his big head? So, a big head does NOT sound fun.

On the plus side, I've only gained 20 pounds so far! One of the strangest surprises in this pregnancy has been how weirdly body-obsessed I've become. I'm not dieting, I'm just eating normally without doing much 'eating for two'. Knowing how hard it is to lose weight in one's 40's, I think I've been terrified of gaining 60 pounds and then having to fight to lose it again. The thought of conquering that mountain, but then trying to get pregnant a second time and having to fight it AGAIN (yes, I think too much, is that a problem?) freaks me out.

After the sonogram, I had a chat with my doctor, let's call him Dr. Kind. Based on the kidneys being enlarged, he wants me back in two weeks. "What's the worst case scenario?" He laughed, "Yes, that's always the question, right? Worst case is that if they are too large and might be getting damaged, we'll go ahead and deliver the baby early. He'd be premature, of course, but he's at a good size and it shouldn't be an issue."

"Two weeks?! I haven't even really started thinking about baby stuff! I was going to do that in September. We don't even have a mattress for the crib. Holey Moley. I guess we'd better pull this together."

He smiled and nodded, but added, "You've had a lot going on this summer, haven't you? It's highly unlikely an early delivery will be necessary. Enlarged kidneys is very normal for boys, it's just something we're going to be watching carefully."

On the bright side, I've found a local diaper service (thanks for the idea, Dad!) as well as a stay-at-home Mom who runs a great store out of their garage--she's got all the diaper covers, 'snappis', great nursing bras, and assorted intimidating paraphernalia. I like the idea of being able to go there and ask her questions.

Jrex is greatly comforted by the diaper service concept, so I think that helps tip him toward cloth diapers. Basically, we have to buy the diaper covers, but the service will not only wash the cloth inserts, but any covers or other stuff we want to throw into the bag. We just fill up a Diaper Genie with dirty diapers (no need to rinse or clean them) and every week we get clean, sanitized, lovely diapers back. Totally helps decrease the intimidation factor on the cloth diapering. The other bonus is that there have been great strides since the '70's and we don't have to mess with pins at all. There are little plastic thingys that pull the sides and front of the diaper together. Nice.

Thank you for all the advice about buying as needed vs going out and getting all the latest greatest stuff. That said, we do need a mattress and a changing table. Sigh. I guess another IKEA run is in my near future.

I think he's going to be a night person

2011-08-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've heard from a few people that the stuff the baby does in utero echoes what they do when their out. Don't yet know if it's true, but if it is, this kid will NOT be a morning person. In the mornings, he doesn't move AT ALL. Right now? As I'm finishing up yet another long day of work (two events that both open August 30th and I'm cranking out look/feel and signage elements for both of them), he's pretending to be John Travolta in Staying Alive.

We've progressed from him feeling like a fish flopping around out of the water, to distinctive body parts protruding in alien fashion from my belly. The first time it happened, I was on the phone with Jrex. I was absentmindedly massaging my belly when I felt a hard knob. Without thinking about it, I started feeling it to see how big it was, the way I used to massage the cyst in my wrist. When it moved, I screeched a little. Poor Jrex, "What's wrong? What happened? Are you ok?"

I laughed as I explained that the "cyst" moved and freaked me out. Earlier in the pregnancy, I'd worried that this phase would give me the heebie-jeebies, but it's actually turning out to be somewhat amusing. I'll massage my stomach and then notice something hard and feel around to see if I can pinpoint if it's a butt, an elbow, foot or knee. As I push a little, he moves away, and then half the time kicks me. What's really weird are the times when, through my shirt, my entire belly looks like it's in motion. BI-Zarre. Somehow though, it's transitioned me from feeling like the baby deal is theoretical to feeling like there's a person in there and I'm looking forward to meeting him.

I'm SO, SO grateful that thus far, this has been an easy pregnancy. Especially with Jrex gone for six weeks, it would have been hard if I couldn't do what I needed to do with relative ease. I get heartburn, but a TUMS deals with it. I'm totally able to sleep, despite the pee breaks. I am getting weird pregnancy dreams (in one, half my ear cracked off and I wandered through the rest of the dreamscape with it in my hand looking for someone who could fix it, in another I gave birth to a little dog that looked like Muttola), but that's nothing bad.

As much as I tend to be a planner, I have a reluctance to get sucked into the baby whirlwind. I don't really feel like doing an intensive birth plan, I figure I'll go with what seems best at the time and not get too stressed about it. Between my doctor and Jrex, I feel like I'll be in good hands. I'm overwhelmed when I think about going into BabiesRUs and trying to figure out what we need. We have a sling, cosleeper, two car seats and crib, isn't that all we need? (all hand-me-downs) Once Jrex gets here and is past his potato week, we'll dive into all the baby stuff. Any "must haves" that you recommend? I'm hesitant to buy things we don't really need.

Mama Nabi slept here

2011-08-08T15:56:00.000-07:00

With Jrex being gone for six weeks and this big old house all to myself, I've really been enjoying having house guests. Last night, I got to host fellow blogger, Mama Nabi. No, we'd never met in real life, but it felt like I was welcoming an old friend and her family despite that. She and her husband, daughter and dog are moving from Florida to California, so Dallas is along the way.

When they arrived, I was chatting with my next door neighbor and her son. I figured it was better to do the doggie meet up on neutral ground, so I was outside with Muttola. Their dog is 1.5, so I knew that Muttola would do her (in)famous puppy take-down at some point. Sure enough, in our front yard, she pounced with a huge growling bark. It always sounds like the beginning of a dog fight, so I try to warn other dog owners what's coming. After that, the dogs were off and running. Literally. We got them into the backyard and they tore around. All night, all morning, they kept chasing each other in circles around the house. I could tell that Muttola has become middle aged cause she kept trying to just lie down for a while, but couldn't resist their dog for very long.

It's so interesting to meet people who's lives you've shared via blogging. In some ways you know them well and in others, it's all new. Filling in the details around the known narrative is a lot of fun. MN went to a college that I'd visited and applied to, I got to hear more about the school where Sansangnim will be working and I got to meet MN's daughter. After seeing so many pictures, it was fun to meet her in person: fearless and playful with the dogs, shy yet eager with me, she quickly warmed up and asked for a house tour.

For dinner, I'd made a new recipe from Sunset magazine with mixed results. What had sounded like a refreshing salad with mango, shrimp and herbs was spoiled by mint that turned out to be really zingy and almost too hot to eat. Not very fun. Thank goodness I'd been seduced by the lure of Central Market and went a little crazy with the charcuterie platter (see all the weird terms I've learned living in wine country? I had no idea what that meant until I went to a wine tasting and found out it was just a sampling of cured meats).

In any case, I saw them off this morning and am now back to the grindstone with lots of work deadlines. Not so fun. Especially since the downstairs AC died AGAIN this morning. The guy who fixed it Friday already told me that he's ordering us a new fan motor, so at some point this week, he'll just call and say he's 10 minutes away and can he come over. Makes it hard to plan to do anything away from the house!

At least there are only 12 days left before Jrex will be 'home'. He's packing in all the final farewells, lab work, closing down his lab stuff, figuring out the shipping for his samples and his mice, trying to get last minute writing done, giving a talk on lungs to his lab (this just in...one more thing to do, Jrex!) as well as trying to sort out his Texas medical licensing.

I've told him that when he gets here, he gets to have a 'potato week'. For the first week, he doesn't have to think about baby stuff, house issues, or anything demanding. He can sit around and watch TV the whole time if that's what he wants to do, or go exploring, or do whatever. I figure he's earned a rest! (plus, I can always use more wife points, right?)

Just the FAQs, Ma’am

2011-08-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Since many people I’ve chatted with have similar questions, I thought it would be good to gather my answers in one place.

Where have you been!?
The cable has been out since Thursday and JUST got fixed, so I haven’t had much blog time. Techs came yesterday and figured out there was a power outage at the pole next to the house. Apparently, we’re the only ones on that pole!

Is it hard to be there without Jrex?
Short answer: yes, very.

Longer answer: having various houseguests has helped (three visits so far). I’m looking forward to Mama Nabi and her crew coming by next week on their move from Florida to California.

Here’s the real irony, after giving pep talks to my single friends about how hard marriage is and the things to be grateful for as a single person, I’m having to call them and tell them I was an idiot. It’s hard to be alone. It’s especially hard to be alone in a big house where things keep breaking! (Did I mention that the AC is out AGAIN. Sigh)

Are you lonely?
Oddly, this is different than feeling Jrex’s absence. I’ve had lots of interactions with neighbors and local friends, so I’m not feeling particularly lonely. It feels like our lives here will begin to fill up very quickly once Jrex gets back into town. Our realtor wants to have us over for dinner, I met a family a block away who want to do a potluck Asian dinner, there are neighborhood b-b-ques starting in September, and I got a link to a local elementary schools’ PTA. They set up Mommy play groups and seem very active. On a day to day level, due to the house falling apart around me, I seem to have daily visits from technicians or our contractor.

Plus, I’m frequently on the phone with people from work. So, no, overall I don’t feel lonely.

How’s the heat?
I’ve been cheerfully reporting that dry heat at 110 degrees Fahrenheit feels better than 90’s with humidity, and there’s some truth to that, but it’s still hot. Being in the sun in the middle of the day is definitely oppressive, though walking the dog once the sun is going down is doable. This neighborhood has lots of big, old trees and usually has a breeze, so it’s not terrible. In terms of heat plus third trimester, I don’t feel like I have an extra oven with the baby. I guess I thought I’d be super aware of an extra heat source, but I haven’t felt any differently pregnant than if I wasn’t. All that being said, when the AC isn’t working, my cheerful speech goes up in smoke!

I’m hot, the house is hot, the animals are hot, and I don’t like it! Whine...

How’s the pregnancy/baby/bump?

Seems to be going well. I found an OB that I like and have a follow-up appointment next week. The baby is moving around a lot and while it freaks me out (cause it feels SO weird), it’s also comforting every time I feel him moving. I have mild heartburn, but it goes away with a TUMS. In terms of sleep, I discovered on our cross-country drive that my camping pillow works great for a between-the-legs pillow. Makes turning over much less arduous than with a big pillow, but it gives me the knee separation that I need. All good.

With all the house drama, I’m waiting until Jrex is back in town to really focus on the baby. I’m getting every other room set up, except the nursery. I want to share that experience with him, plus it’s all very overwhelming and I want someone else in on the decision making process.

I’m definitely showing, which is leading to all sorts of interesting conversations. Met a woman who told me about a day care center at a local church. Visited the church this past Sunday. It was a fine church though not a ‘fit’ for me/us in terms of a spiritual home, but it was full of nice people. Happened to sit in the same pew as the woman who runs the daycare. She asked when I was due, I mentioned that I’d heard about the daycare, she told me she runs it and asked when I was hoping to start. I said January, she said, “Whew! We’re really full, but come on by and check it out. We’ll see what we can do for you.”

I’m sure it helped that I looked like a single mom all alone in church!

Do you have a name for the baby yet?
We have a first and middle that we both like, but it’s turned out that the first name is one of the most popular baby boy names of late. Once Jrex gets back, we’ll get a book of names from the library and see if we can find an alternative. If not, we’ll just be trendy...

What do you think of Dallas so far?
I’m actually pleasantly surprised. People told me it would be easy to make friends here, and that feels very true. Culturally our quirky corner of Dallas seems full of interesting people, so I’m enjoying that. The downtown farmer’s market (easy to get to from our house!) has great fruits, veggies, local honey, and grass-fed beef/pork/chickens--so I don’t feel like our foodie streak will be thwarted. Added to that, there’s a crazy, huge grocery store called Central Market that has organic foods, a huge cheese selection, basically all the pretentious foods we’ve discovered in California and many more that I had no idea existed.

I’m looking forward to exploring the cultural life in Dallas, but at the moment, have been overwhelmed with trying to get the house in shape while staying on top of my super-intense work deadlines. I did get a membership to The Modern art museum in Ft. Worth.

While not being a huge museum, it has fun architecture and a great collection; plus it’s an easy 40-minute drive from our house.

Junior will be indoctrinated in art appreciation from a young age.

Best quote so far about Dallas. My friend Art Instructor came down for my birthday (that’s a whole ‘nother story. GREAT weekend.). We went shopping at Central Market and were both completely blown away and overwhelmed.

In the checkout line, she mentioned that she’s visiting from upstate NY and the cashier asked what she thought of Dallas.

“I’ve got to admit that all my stereotypes of Texas have been blown. This is a neat city full of interesting people. Haven’t seen a single cowboy hat so far.”

The cashier laughed, “Just head over to Ft. Worth and you can get all your expectations fulfilled.”

The guy bagging the groceries nodded agreement, “Truer words I have not yet heard today.”

Reaching out

2011-07-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

Somehow, in looking for neighborhood resources (vet/hairdresser/pediatrician, etc), I stumbled across Mercy Street. It's a ministry founded by a downwardly mobile couple from one of Dallas' wealthiest, whitest areas. They moved into one of Dallas poorest communities and are running a mentoring and sports ministry. They link volunteer mentors with 4th grade kids and ask for a commitment from the mentor until the kid graduates from high school.

In the midst of all of that, the wife is raising their four biological kids as well as two brothers from the neighborhood. Her blog is here. Maybe it's the late hour, but when I read about her and her family, I had to respond.

I just emailed this to her:

Hi,

I hope this email doesn't seem bizarre, but I just stumbled across Mercy Street and your blog and had to reach out.

I'm the grown up version of your kids. My parents raised us in inner-city Cincinnati where my Dad ran a non-profit housing ministry. My Dad had a Harvard Law degree, my Mom had a Masters in Theology. White, charismatic Lutherans committed to neighborhood transformation and trusting that God was big enough to protect their three kids as they raised them in the 'hood. When I was two weeks old, Mom was bringing me to the women's prison when she went there to lead Bible studies. We went to public schools (Cincinnati has amazing alternative/magnet public schools), played in the neighborhood steel drum band, mentored neighborhood kids, invited illegal immigrants to dinner and loved the city.

Long story short: I'm now married to a Korean-American and we just moved here from the Bay Area in California. We fell in love with the funkiness of Oak Cliff as well as the economic and racial mix. We bought a house near Bishop Arts and are settling in. My husband will be starting a job at UT Southwestern doing lung cancer research and treatment. I'm working from home as a graphic designer for my company in California. In addition to all those changes, we're expecting our first kid in October.

I'm writing because I'd love a chance to meet you, or at least chat on the phone. Given the neighborhood I grew up in, I'm bi-cultural in terms of black/white culture, but I don't know Hispanic culture at all! You'd think I'd have no apprehensions about raising our kid in a non-Anglo environment, but I'm realizing I don't know how to raise a mixed-race kid in a mixed-race neighborhood. I don't know how far West Dallas is from Oak Cliff, but we're looking for a church and trying to connect to people who really live out their faith. I thought you'd be an amazing resource for connecting with what God's doing south of the Trinity river.

Like I said, I hope this email doesn't seem too weird, but I was excited to hear that there are still Christians choosing to be downwardly mobile and doing the kinds of adventures my parents' did in the '70's.

Guessing from your blog, you're likely a very busy woman. Until October, my schedule is fairly flexible. If you're up for chatting, I'd love to do that at some point.

Does it make me sound like a freak? My job has been super busy for the last couple weeks, so I haven't had much of a chance to do the networking I need to do. I've got a couple friends of friends I need to call and neighbors still to meet. I'm nervous that I got a little over-excited!

The downside of friendly

2011-07-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I wanted to visit a church I'd driven by, but didn't know what time it started. I figured the earliest would be 10 AM, so I headed over. The service was at 11:15, so I ran to Lowe's to try to get the day's buying done.

Walking in, the woman passing out coupons at the door looked a little tired. "You doin' ok?" I asked. "Oh," she slumped, "I ran out the house without breakfast. I'm draggin', but I'll be ok." We end up chatting about grits and other breakfast topics for five minutes.

The woman at the return counter asked me, "When are you due? You're having a boy, right? I can tell by looking." Another three minute chat.

Getting back to the bath department, there was a woman sitting at the counter just in front of all the shower heads. "When are you due? What are you having? Mmm... a boy, huh? I don't know which is worse, boys or girls. My daughter had two boys and a girl and then decided she didn't want to deal with it, so I been raisin' them kids ever since. I'm telling you, you can't go to sleep when you have kids! First day they came over, I went shopping. Got toilet paper, washing soap, flour and a bunch of other stuff. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, the whole bed was covered with toilet paper. All 36 rolls, girl! I'm tellin' you. Them kids was just giggling sittin' around the bed. And BOYS. Well. They break bones and your stuff ALL the time. But girls, not much better..."

Twenty minutes later I just grabbed any old shower head since I certainly didn't have brain capacity to absorb which one was better or worse than the others.

I arrived at church 10 minutes late.

This morning, Aunt Ruby and I went outside to walk the dog. My next door neighbor came out of her house at the same time. I hadn't had the chance to meet her, so I went over to introduce myself. Her recumbent bike was on the porch and she was ready for her morning ride. We bonded over bikes. She warned me about the Bubba Truck culture here that's a bit anti-bike. Since her bike looks so different than a normal bike, she says people actually give her lots of room and friendly waves, "I think they all see the bike and think I'm some sweet little handicapped lady, but if that means they don't try to push me off the road, I'll take it!"

Poor Aunt Ruby was stuck holding the dog's leash and waiting 15 minutes for me. Looks like my expectations for how much I can get done in any given block of time will need to be adjusted for the friendly factor!

Incentive!

2011-07-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'd already planned to hit the consignment stores and antique shops to try to find some of the remaining puzzle pieces for the house. Plus I have a bunch of odds and ends that need to be done:

sand and hang the shelves in my office
hang the shelves that function as night stands in the guest room
organize all the books that my wonderful husband insisted on unpacking and ended up just shoving onto any shelf
figure out places to stash all our weird bits and pieces
set up the art studio/workshop in the room next to the garage

However, I figured I had a while before Jrex was back and it was hard to find my motivation. Then my Aunt Ruby called me and asked when I want a house guest. She has time next week (as in THIS Monday). She's going to come down from Oklahoma with a friend of hers and they'll be with me through late Monday evening through Thursday. I'm excited to see her and have her help and advice, but it sure makes the to-do list feel imperative!

One of the big reasons I'm a designer rather than a fine artist is that I need a deadline. Thanks for giving me a good one, Aunt Ruby.

Alone with the critters

2011-07-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Jrex is back in the Bay Area for the next six weeks. Fortunately, my work life is fairly busy, so the days aren't completely dragging. Plus, I still have a plate to return to a neighbor (she brought cookies) and a stranger to meet (a house a block away has an "It's a Boy" banner strung across the porch. Seems worth a knock to see if our kids can grow up playing together).

On the home front, the first floor air conditioner is fixed. Unfortunately, they put the furnace (drives both the heat and the air) in the crawl space under the house. It's mounted to a joist under the dining room, so if the system is on, the dining room vibrates enough to cause mild nausea. NOT a great solution when wanting to host a dinner party. The AC guy says there's no fix that he knows of given the location. Sigh.

When we moved here, I knew the weather would be different and would be hot. I hadn't realized the impact that would have on what animals and insects we'd encounter.

Two nights after we arrived, Jrex was downstairs in the living room as I put clothes away upstairs in the master closet (Walk-in. HUGE. LOVE.). Now, our mutt actually eats bugs. She hunts down flies when they get inside and eats them: spiders, beetles, mosquitoes, she doesn't discriminate. As I folded some clothes I noticed the mutt, just outside the closet, staring at the floor in confusion. I looked down and saw a 2-inch cockroach scurrying towards me. I screamed for Jrex, "Honey, I need you upstairs NOW!" I didn't hear any movement from him so I yelled again, "Jrex, come up here now! Now, NOW!" Nothing.

I gathered my courage (not to kill the beast, but to run past it--hey, it's no fun to be married if I can't abdicate all bug/slug/beast duties!) and go grab him. He'd fallen into an exhausted slumber. I shook him awake insisting, "Jrex, wake up, you have to come kill it!" While understandably very confused, he stumbled upstairs. I gave him a pile of packing paper as a weapon and then we realized the demon roach wasn't there. I saw movement and turned, it was crawling up the wall in the bedroom. I pointed and Jrex scooted over and tried to smash it. Five tries. It took three-times the normal roach-killing force AND it was fast.

The next morning, Jrex was in the kitchen and saw movement on the floor next to him. Instinctively he stomped HARD. When he lifted his slipper, he saw that it had been a tiny lizard. Oops. We both felt bad about that one.

I told various Dallas friends about the roach and they told me it was actually a 'palmetto bug' or a 'water bug'. Nothing to do with a dirty house, just something that occurs here in this foreign country.

In fact, while chatting with our contractor about bugs and snakes (roof has to get redone and potential deck if we can afford it), he told me rattlesnakes are the least of our worries. "At least they tell you where they are, it's the copperheads that'll get you. Or the water moccasins in the lakes; they like the water lilies so you want to be careful when you go water skiing." When?! There's no "when" after you tell me to watch out for water moccasins!

The day before Jrex was supposed to leave, I looked out our back door and hollered, "You can't leave me here with bugs, lizards and dead animals!" Here's a picture of the view (no animal):

Spreadeagled flat on the sidewalk was a squirrel. Unblinking eyes staring straight at the back door. No movement. Ugh.

Jrex called animal control and they promised to come by within 24-hours. "Call us if anything changes" they added. It's dead! What's going to change? A little while after that, Jrex had to go out to the garage, when he opened the door, the squirrel jumped up, ran up a tree and then draped itself over a branch in the same position. We thought it's back was broken or that it had fallen and stunned itself.

That night we met friends at a local restaurant and told them our critter stories. "Yeah those roaches are scary. The lizards are 'friendlies' though; they eat the other bugs. Well, probably not the palmetto bugs, but all the other ones. As for the squirrel, that's what they do when it's hot. It's the only way they can get cooler. Have you noticed that all the birds keep their mouths open most of the time? Same deal."

Now that's a new definition of hot for me: cool-bathing squirrels and panting birds.

Treat people right

2011-07-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

As a thank you for our realtor, we invited him and his wife to join us for dinner. They picked a lovely restaurant in our neighborhood and we all met up last night.

During the afternoon before, while on the phone, I'd mentioned to a friend that we were having dinner with our realtor and she exclaimed, "You always find the best realtors!" It's true. Our Baltimore realtor became a friend and we're still in touch. Last night our realtor, Nice Guy promised to invite us to the tailgate he hosts for the first home game at SMU. (He and his wife are alumni and boosters of the football team--which seems to involve traveling to EVERY game! Yikes.)

They are a very dynamic couple. Nice Guy is an older gentleman with a quiet, calm demeanor and his wife is a high-intensity whirlwind. She's also a realtor as well as a wedding coord1nator for one of the big Presbyterian (social club?) churches in Dallas. Then in her copious free time she does fundraising benefit events for local children's charities.

Here's a sample of her conversation, "Oh, Jrex, we are so excited you chose Dallas! We're very supportive of our medical community here. And you chose the BEST house! Oh my God, I just love that house. When we saw that darling kitchen nook and that amazing master suite, I fell in love. You're going to love it. And you're having a baby! That's fantastic. You'll be amazing parents. OTRgirl, you're just adorable. You're obviously going to be a wonderful mother."

Being with her was a little bit like plunging my finger into a wall socket, I think I'm still recovering!

As we said farewell at the end of the evening, Nice Guy repeated, "While Jrex is out of town, call us for anything you need, OTRgirl. Recommendations, help in the house. Don't let yourself feel alone, ok?"

I'd heard from a few people that we'd have no trouble making friends here since people are so friendly. So far, it's seemed to be true.

Home sweet home

2011-07-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

We're here!

After I process the photos from the trip, I'm hoping to give you a travel post, but overall the trip was fun. Highlights include: three nights in Kings Canyon (where I managed a five-mile hike with a 1200 foot elevation gain and a nine-mile level hike, both gorgeous. Walking up switchbacks was challenging, but worth it!), Grand Canyon (did a short two mile hike below the rim), and a drive through the Petrified Forest (VERY hot, but compelling geology/scenery).

We arrived Friday morning after waking up at 6 AM to drive from our friend's house in Oklahoma. Met the realtor then waited around for the movers who finally showed up at 11 AM. The driver was our same guy from Menlo Park, so he'd waited around Dallas for three days to make sure our stuff was OK. He'd hired two local guys to unload. One was a Peruvian gentleman who was 58 years old. In two and a half hours those guys had brought in everything and set up the bed in the guest room. That even included a fifteen minute lunch break where we bought them pizza and soda! Really great guys. Fifteen minutes after they left, the doorbell rang for the washer and dryer installers. Talk about a tight production schedule!

Since then, we've raided IKEA for some of our missing furniture, then entered that special purgatory that is IKEA furniture assembly. On Sunday we had dinner with friends who live 10-minutes away, let's call them Enthusiast and Indian Gourmet. We've hung out with them on each of our Dallas visits and really enjoy them. They share our love of hiking, art and food (as well as our snarky sense of humor). Enthusiast actually offered to come over on July 4th and help assemble furniture! Now that's a friend to keep, huh? With his help, most of the office furniture is done and the living room pieces are in place. We're waiting for our bed delivery (hopefully today or tomorrow) and then we'll have most of the big pieces we need. Still more shopping to do, but none of it essential or urgent.

I'm hoping to head up to "H-mart" (the new name for the Korean grocery chain, Han Ah Reum) and see if they have any Korean tables to use for a coffee table. It would be great to have some Korean decor in the house.

The poor baby is totally neglected. I keep trying to do what I'd normally do in terms of furniture-building and unpacking and then I'll try to crunch up or bend over and get reminded by the impossibility of the proposition that there's a person in there getting squished. Oops! He's moving around a lot. In fact, last night I was looking down and saw my stomach move, which was highly disorienting. I found an OB online and we have an appointment this Friday. Hopefully I like him so I don't have to hunt around. I've got a couple recommendations if he doesn't work out.

We did get some time on the drive to talk through baby expectations. I was surprised to find out that Jrex wants to call him by his Korean name at home. It makes sense since otherwise he'll have very little Korean influence in his environment. What's weird for me is that his Mom picked that name and some part of me feels like that will give her ownership over the kid. It's not a huge deal, and I'm sure I'll get over it, but it was a definite adjustment for me to think about having that for his 'default' name.

In neighborhood news, one of our neighbors introduced herself while I was walking the dog this morning. Forty minutes later, the doorbell rang and she'd brought cookies and recommendations for a local plumber and AC guy (our first floor AC isn't working). I also found this video by the Oak Cliff chamber of commerce that gives a (slightly gilded) overview. (Click here to view.)

I'm back at work today, but sitting around waiting for the guys in the design department on the west coast to wander into work after the holiday weekend. We're having a meeting at 11 to figure out who is doing what (1 PM my time). Nothing like starting the work day at 1 pm? Yikes. We'll see how this goes.

So much STUFF

2011-06-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a little kid and you built a fort out of boxes? A barricade to hide behind? My bedroom feels like that right now. We are overly inclined to collecting books, and now that the packers have come and gone, the walls have boxes stacked all the way to the ceiling. From 9:20 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. two guys toiled away to fill box after box with our belongings. Tomorrow morning a separate team will come to load it all into the moving truck. Thursday (after a little bit of time in lab for Jrex and errands for both of us), we're off to the mountains for one last hurrah en route to Texas.

It's strange to be confronted with how much STUFF we own.

Compared to many people in Silicon Valley, we live simply. Compared to so many people in the rest of the world, we're already 'fat Americans' in terms of how much stuff we own. One of our intimidation factors in the Dallas house is that the stuff that filled this apartment to overflowing will only fill a guest room, a bit of an office, pieces of a living room, a dining room table in solitary glory, most of a kitchen, and part of a nursery. The list of things to buy is long and contains only the 'necessary' items, but what is 'needed' is profoundly more than most people own in the rest of the world. It's bizarre that being relatively well-off is one of the most confusing dilemmas I have.

One of our friends took vows as a secular Franciscan: voluntary simplicity. As much as part of me wants that, another part of me wants this house to look and feel 'finished' before the baby comes. I want a place where we can easily and cheerfully welcome visitors and Jrex's new colleagues. Not so much to show off, but for the house to feel warm, inviting and 'right'. I want beautiful art and wonderful (non-breakable) things for our kid to see, touch and explore. On the scale of "What would Jesus do?" I don't even feel like I'm on the radar anymore. I just can't imagine him looking online for a king-sized bed because it will 'fit' the master bedroom better than anything smaller.

Any ideas for how to be a grown-up who's been granted the keys to an amazing house while living in simplicity?

What the...?

2011-06-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

As mentioned, I'm keeping my job after we move. Once moved, I'll be working on a new project, let's call it RemoteTechShow (RTS). Tomorrow is my last day in the office. At 3:30 pm my creative director rushed in and said, "They just scheduled an RTS meeting. I am so upset." I sighed and looked around my mostly empty cubicle. Last night I took home most of my stuff and didn't even have a notebook left. I grabbed a stack of paper, a clipboard and a pen and we walked toward the meeting room.

My creative director continued, "I have got to calm down, if I keep going like this I'm going to have an ulcer." I nodded sympathetically.

We walked into the room where no one was sitting at the table and a bunch of people were standing along the walls.

"Surprise!"

Everyone who was in the office was there.

I felt my whole face flush and I just grinned, shook my head and dropped the clipboard on the table.

"Thank you. You totally got me!" Lots of people came up to hug me and congratulate me.

There was chocolate cake and a Goodnight Moon book that everyone had signed as well as BabysRUs and Bed, Bath and Beyond gift certificates. The cake had a baby carriage with "Texas" on it and it said, "Aloha, Y'all!"

Many people have left the company recently without much fanfare, so I wasn't expecting any kind of a good-bye event except a farewell lunch with our department tomorrow.

Some surprises are good ones.

When was that again?

2011-06-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

The Event already feels like a long time ago. Our lives are moving at warp speed. Since getting back, we've had a lovely Jrex-cooked gourmet meal, booked all our rooms for our drive to Dallas, done tons of errands, attended a graduation party for Graceful's husband, had my baby shower and had dinner with Lovey and Dovey after. Last night I had dinner with Smart Girl. The packers come a week from today and we pull out of town next Thursday. Phew!

However, I don't want to break my promise for pictures, so here are a few from the event.

This is our booth in the 'neutral' phase. When attendees entered the event, they walked right into the booth and were surrounded by all our screens.

More 'neutral'. These were the d3mo p0ds we suggested. Lots of people from the client company commented on how open and inviting the booth felt.

From facing the back of the booth, the view to the right hand side. Those stanchions were FULL of people once the show opened. The line curved around the sides of the booth.

Every half an hour all the video screens in the booth went black (except the ones for the game dem0 screens). Then bits of sound, or light or media began to creep onto the screens. Brighter, louder, MORE content showed up and ended with a finale featuring one of the six main game titles' trailers. Each time we did a wav3, all the attendees froze and started up. It was what we'd hoped would happen.

Here's the lighting during a wave for one of the sports games.

Below is a picture taken during the 'wave' takeover for the trailer for the new multiple player online game set in the era in the Star W@rs universe when the S1th return and the J3di battle them. The booth packed out every time this showed. Note the posse under the screen.

I am SO glad it's over. Glad it was a success in the end (after much blood, sweat and tears. Well, at least a lot of sweat and sleepy video/tech guys).

Now we're vaulting forward towards the move to Texas.

A friend commented a while ago that we're the most laid-back first time parents she's ever known. We looked at each other and laughed, "We haven't had time to think much about the kid factor! We're just trying to get through the next thing on the to-do list at any given time."

I'm looking forward to the drive for some time to pause and reflect. To think and dream together about what we want our family life to look like, what our expectations are for each other and for ourselves as parents, and to just enjoy each other. We've been drowning in logistics for months now, I think it's time for us to have some fun together.

Small World!

2011-06-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in LA for the final stages of the booth build for our gaming client. We're in a hotel seven city blocks north of the conventi0n center, so I end up walking down in the morning and then taking a cab back at the end of the day. A few pics from yesterday, most are of the public library that's just behind the hotel...

The game shown up top is one of those featured in our booth.

So, we're sitting around the booth and I'm chatting with the guy who is in charge of the technology used in the booth, let's call him Bearded Geek. We've collaborated closely on this project and have a great working relationship. He and three other guys had been in a horrible accident this past Friday where someone ran a red light, t-boned their car and flipped it over the roof to land back on the tires. All four were in seatbelts, all four walked away from the wreck. That led into a conversation about first aid and he and I both started talking about a class we'd taken in college on Wilderness First Aid. Another person asks where I went and I answer, "I went to a small school in western Massachusetts."

He looks at me in surprise and says, "Did you go to Hampshire?" I was shocked since NO one ever knows about Hampshire. "Yeah! How do you know Hampshire?"

"I went there."

"When?!"

"Fall of 84 through spring of 89. I took a year off."

"What was your Div III?" I asked. A Div III is one's final project. It's somewhere between a normal senior project and a master's degree. Turns out he'd done the production and technology for a play that I'd seen my first year! I can still remember it because they'd used a lot of modern technology to tell the story of "The persecution of the Marquis de Sade as told by the inmates of the insane asylum and directed by Marat" (the title was something close to that).

This is the first time since I graduated that I've met a Hampshire alumnus (outside of a school-oriented event). The school is only 40 years old and only graduates 200-300 people a year, so there aren't that many of us. I liked him before, but it's fun to know we're part of the same club of wonderful, creative, eccentric people that Hampshire attracts. The other sweet thing he did was bring me little onesies for the baby with the logo of his company on them!

Overall the booth looks great. In the end, it's been painful, but the collaboration this year was MUCH better between us and the other two vendors. Compared to other booths in the show, ours is MUCH cleaner and more coherent. I can't post pics until the public opening tomorrow, but I'll let you see it then. The client did open the front of the booth and use our idea for how to handle demo stations, so I can semi-proudly admit that I was the creative direct0r for this booth. It will certainly sound good in future job interviews!

I think I have pneumonia

2011-05-31T05:16:00.001-07:00

Last week I had a couple of late nights due to prepping for our big moving sale on Saturday. Mom Kim was also due to arrive Thursday night, so I was also getting her room ready and cleaning the apartment. Saturday morning we all woke up at 6 AM and got things out and ready by 8 AM. Despite the 'no early birds' in my craigslist ad, people started showing up at 8:22. The first guy was a fast-talking guy from India who had highway robbery down to a science. Ah well, everyone else that day was civilized and nice about their bargaining. By 11 AM we'd sold almost everything of value. By 12:30 we closed up shop, loaded everything left and dropped it at Goodwill. Made good money, too!

All that day I had a scratchy throat, but no other symptoms. I was exhausted and went to sleep after we ate lunch. That evening, I urged Jrex and his Mom to go out together and have fun without me. I spent a happy, quiet evening journaling and trying to go to sleep while they closed out a local tapas bar. I kept coughing and having to blow my nose, which kept me up. In the midst of all this, the other development was that I started to trust that the tiny pings I was feeling in the front of my stomach weren't digestive, but were baby. It took until today for me to definitively 'know' that they were kicks. I'm at 21 weeks and obviously good at dismissing physical symptoms!

Sunday I was coughing up phlegm and stayed home from church. Jex wanted me to go to Urgent Care, but I felt silly after one day of coughing and phlegm to run in there like Chicken Little. I lay around all day while Jrex and his Mom went up to San Francisco to visit his cousin at the family restaurant. By the end of the day, I was feeling better. Yesterday I was barely coughing and had no phlegm (sorry for the TMI), instead it felt like it had all moved up from my lungs and throat to my head. I lay around some more and was up for going to dinner at a friend's house last night. We left there by 7:30 PM and came home. Jrex and Mom drove over to Stanf ord so he could show her the new building where he currently works (state of the art St em C e ll In st itut e). While they were gone, I tried to lay down. Each time I shifted position, I ended up coughing like crazy and spitting up phlegm.

It's now 5:30 AM of the longest night of my life.

Sleeping on the couch in a semi-upright position helped, but my brain has been going and going any time I'm awake. Each time I have to cough, or go to the bathroom, it takes 30-45 minutes to get back to sleep. Feels like I've had four cat-naps and that's it.

I'm due for my anatomy scan ultrasound this morning. (Did I ever mention that the amnio results came back totally normal?) Mom and Jrex will be joining me for that, and then we'll troop over to urgent care to find out if this is pnuemonia.

At least it's meant that the time with Mom hasn't been stressful AT ALL. I've barely seen her! And she and Jrex have had a wonderful time reconnecting with each other. Plus the baby is giving me a new understanding of the joy in the phrase, "alive and kicking". So what's a little cough and fleeting sleep?

Oh, wait, the fact that today, one of my new hires is starting? And that I still have to fill two more positions as well as nag my higher ups to make decisions on the three people who've accepted pending those decisions? AND that the account rep for my current project is on PTO this week and I'm 'in charge' while she's gone, the booth is being built at the moment and I leave for LA Saturday to supervise the graphics installation? Don't worry, I'm staying home from work today. I'll manage the call with the client at 2 PM, but otherwise not do a ton of work.

Great timing, right?

UPDATE: not pneumonia. Just a double whopper of major allergic reaction to all the trees around our apartment, combined with a virus. I've been hacking up my post-nasal drip. There aren't you glad you read this blog now? That's a visual for you to enjoy.

Help me lower my hyper-boundaries!?

2011-05-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Some people have trouble saying no, or pushing back, or being in conflict. I don't love it or seek it, but I've been well trained by my parents and by other life adventures to handle those sorts of things.

In fact, last night, I started reading through a journal that my Mom started after I was born. Eventually she went from daily, to monthly, to yearly entries. There was one after my 14th birthday where she talks about how I've been challenging, but how many things she likes about me. Tucked in the pages after that were two letters. In one I'm challenging the household rules about not doing phone calls or visits after 10 pm. It was summer time and I felt that was unfair. I end up listing out 9 rules I was willing to follow (not having the friends call me after 10, being on home premises by then--but allowed to sit on the front steps to talk, 'chores before fun', and 'one hug a day'). Tucked in the letter were a bunch of digs and smart aleck remarks that made me want to smack my 14-year old self! (like, "sometimes I need to talk to a friend after 10 pm. You should know the feeling given how often you run over to otrmama's house at that hour". SMACK!) My mom? Wrote back in a very loving, affirming way, didn't respond to any of the digs, did respond to my underlying concerns, and acknowledged that she found herself resenting how few responsibilities I had compared to how many she'd had as a 14-year old (on a farm with five younger siblings). She ended on a positive note, telling me how much she respects me and wants to trust me.

Talk about amazing training in conflict resolution! There were no bad consequences for addressing what was bothering me. She encouraged me to have healthy boundaries, even as a young kid, "If someone makes you uncomfortable, there's likely a reason for that. You don't have to let them hug you. It's ok to trust your instincts." Over the years though, I think I've developed hyper-boundaries. If you cross them, I've got serious walls that bounce up.

Which brings up Mom K.

Last night, Jrex went to pick her up from the airport since I was frantically prepping for the big moving sale tomorrow. She walked into the apartment, gave me a big hug, said hello, then pulled back and said, "Let me see!" and stuck both her hands on my stomach and felt around. A few minutes later she said to Jrex, in a happy tone, "She's getting fat!" I know some of that is more appropriate in Korean culture (the touching, the comments on physical appearance), but it just threw my walls 10-feet high. She's here for a short visit and I want to enjoy her and be gracious to her, but at the moment, I'm behind my wall and it makes me push back on any attempts at intimacy. I know that I still have sensitivities after her visit last year. Which means there's forgiveness work that I've been avoiding. I guess that means I get to do some of that work this weekend, huh?

Sigh.

Random Deliciosity

2011-05-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a wonderful, crazy week. Since I don't have the brain for a full post...

Week after amnio I leaked fluid and had to do an extra day of bedrest in the middle of the week. Last Tuesday I had a follow-up with the nurse and got an 'all clear' (no more leaking, plenty of fluid inside, great heartbeat). The kid was even waving at us.

During the bedrest insanity and general 'take it easy', my Dad came for a visit. He was wonderfully helpful on Sunday. I had a post about that stuff, but then commented via a different log-in and in trying to delete the comment, I erased the post. I loved my Dad's comment on that about preferring to create memories together and being able to help me out being a pleasure.
Then, on Monday, I found out that my wonderful friend Ms. Sword would be with us through Saturday. She's a relaxing houseguest, so that was fine.
Saturday I dropped her off at the airport then ran around buying plants, pots, dirt and other items for a baby shower in the afternoon. We got to bless Lovey and Dovey with a co-ed baby shower. They're due in July. It was fun to meet some of their other friends and get a chance to pray for them.
Sunday I taught the junior high girls during church. It was the last time before the summer that we met so we prayed for them and they prayed for us (the teachers). I loved their prayers for our move and for the baby.
Then Sunday afternoon I had small group. It's a great bunch married people, all have kids but us, most older. It's fun to not have to be the big sister (for 7 years I've been one of the oldest people in my small groups). During the dinner after our time together, the kids join us for a potluck meal. Someone asked one of the six year olds why she was so dressed up, "Cause we had church this morning and cause we're having a baby shower RIGHT NOW!" So, she spoiled the after dinner surprise. After we ate, the three youngest girls brought out bags of presents and proudly handed them to Jrex and me. Then they helped open each one. After that the group prayed for us. What blessed me most was that one of my junior high girls was there and prayed for me in front of all the adults, then two of the junior high boys also prayed. The kids prayed in particular for the baby, that he would be healthy, normal, not have any defects, have a happy childhood and lots of friends in our new city.
Now, back in the madness of work... Sigh. Only 19 more working days before we move!
This coming Saturday we're doing a yard sale to clear out everything we're not taking with us. I have prices to add to everything. AND Mom K arrives Thursday for a week. At this point, the house is in such disarray with piles for the yard sale and move that I feel very little pressure to clean up.

Very mild ethical dilemma

2011-05-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Preface: I've done jury duty in EVERY city I've lived in, including Northampton, MA as a college student. Despite only actually being selected once, I feel I've done my civic duty fairly regularly. Jrex in contrast has rarely (never?) been called.

Living here, I already got called once, though I ended up not having to serve. A few days ago, I got another summons. Jrex advised that I just delay it and then tell them I don't live in California anymore. Great idea, but I was nervous it might somehow be illegal and I might get dragged back with an infant to serve my time.

So, I called the courthouse to check.

"Hi, I've got a jury summons, but I'll be out of town that day, then I'm moving out of state at the end of the month, can I just file a continuance?"

Sweet, older woman's voice, "Well, you'll need to pick a date while you're still in town."

Me, probing, "What happens if I file for a date after I move?"

Not so sweet voice, "I suppose, if that's how you choose to conduct yourself, that's up to you. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day."

Me, thinking, "Sweet! No legal repercussions", out loud, "OK. Well, thank you."

So I'm 'serving' jury duty in August. I made sure that one of the valid excuses on the form is that I don't live in the county anymore.

Question: should I feel at all guilty? I don't, but I will if you think I should!

Do you want to know the gender?

2011-05-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

That's the first question they ask before the amniocentesis.

Going into the procedure, I thought the amnio was the big deal, but it's just a minute long at the end. Sure it's a long needle (Though I never looked, so I can't tell you if it's scary. Jrex admitted to not breathing as they did the procedure, so maybe it was). The poke into the skin is like any blood draw, it's when they poke through the wall of the uterus that my muscles bunched in horror at the invasion, but that only lasted a second or two. A little more bunching while they extracted two small vials of fluid and then they were out and done.

What was worse was having to get a Rhogam shot after all was finished. I have A-negative blood and there's a risk that my body could develop antibodies to the baby's blood. It doesn't affect anything this pregnancy, but could mean that if we ever got pregnant again, I'd attack the new life like it was an infection. The Rhogam prevents the antibodies and avoids future issues. THAT shot goes into my butt and it's a fat needle and made my whole side hurt for a while afterwards.

The truth is, the big deal during the amnio is the 30-minute ultrasound before the procedure. Up until now, this baby thing has felt theoretical. I talk about it like its happening, but it didn't feel real emotionally. My barely popping belly also makes it hard to believe anything is growing in there. Watching the ultrasound and seeing something that frequently resembled a baby tipped me toward believing there really is a little person in there. The fact that the kid measures over five inches from head to butt still freaks me out a little. I keep holding a ruler up to my stomach and trying to figure out how it's possible. Apparently the kid is in a headstand position with the head buried behind my pelvic bone (part of why I'm not popping much). They couldn't get any clear head or neck measurements as a result, so I still have to do the 20-week ultrasound where they measure every little part.

Of course when the ultrasound tech would say, "Now we'll look at the kidneys", what was on screen just looked like gray blobs. The "heart" looked like a butterfly: four black ovals fluttering in a sea of gray. As for gender? The headstand position meant that she got a full-on crotch shot, so she just paused and said, "I think you can see it on screen".

The 'rump' is to the right with the legs extending top and bottom. She labeled it so I can send the picture to Jrex's Mom.

Yup. We're having a boy.

I've been hoping for one. Yes, I like girls, but I've always enjoyed little boys. I like their energy and straightforward emotions. Girls are complicated! Plus they go through that whole princess phase which freaks me out. (Of course, with my luck, I'll have a son that goes through the princess phase instead!) Jrex is more ambivalent. As he put it, "I can read stories and do puzzles, I don't know if I have the energy to chase a 2 - 5 year old."

"Well, that's why we'll have the yard and dogs, he can run around out there without us. Plus we'll be living two blocks from the park, so it's easy to walk over there and let him run around."

The real shocker for me was that when Jrex looked at the list of conservative boy names I'd selected (with the assmption that Jrex would prefer a good, regular name, especially for a boy), he dismissed most of them by saying, "I don't want any Biblical names." What?! That wipes out most of them! He added, "They just feel like clichés." I thought about it and realized that just about every Korean-American man I know has a Biblical name. So now we're off into uncharted territory. Celtic? Germanic? Greek?

We both really like "Aidan", but it means fire. If you combine that with the Korean middle name that Mom Kim picked out (Ye Jun), you get "Fire provided by God" and THAT sounds like asking for trouble doesn't it? One of our friends just named their kid Bryce, so that's taken. At this point, we welcome any name suggestions! Fritz? Wolfgang? Jamie? It can't start with a "K" since our last name does and we'll be living in the south so "KK" for initials just seems sketchy.

I feel sad that the baby isn't the biggest thing in both our lives, but we leave in six weeks (!) and our social calendar is mostly filled now. My Dad comes this weekend, Jrex's Mom comes the end of the month, the baby shower is in June along with many other events. I'm planning a major moving sale Memorial Day weekend and we're sorting through the apartment in a grand purge. I just found out that my job IS going to keep me full-time remote which is a huge relief (and only drop my salary by $5000 as I go back to being 'just' a designer. I thought it would drop back by the whole raise amount of $15,000, so that's a huge surprise!). Since my insurance will now continue, it means that in my copious free time I can look for a doctor, a hospital and prenatal classes. I'm starting to interview for my replacement as Stud1o Manager as well as looking for designers to interview.

Welcome to the whirlwind, Baby K!

Strange reasons I'm proud of my Dad

2011-05-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

Having counter-cultural parents means that my reasons to admire my Dad are often bizarre by 'normal' society standards. Running a housing firm in the inner-city meant that he knew most of the prostitutes by name. I thought that was really cool. He and my Mom often dragged us to various political protests. Though my feet were often pinched by my shoes and my hands were often freezing, it was cool to be there and I was proud of them for being passionate about their beliefs.

Well, I now get to add a new one: I'm proud of him for getting arrested.

If you want to check out his version of the story, read his latest blog post: http://leadings.squarespace.com/

I like that he knows he didn't truly make a difference in anything global, but that he is choosing involvement over being just a spectator. Unfortunately, I've often been too absorbed by my daily life to think as big as he does and get as involved in things outside my personal sphere. Good on ya, Dad.

Fun slang from Down Under

2011-05-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

Been swamped at work and did tons of social stuff this past weekend, so little time for the blog world. I just had this email exchange with one of my Aussie coworkers. I love the different slang words and thought you might enjoy it as well:

Hey,
Thanks for the files, we're moving slowly and steadily there..
Just wanted to say a big congrats to you for the bub, it's great news.
Being a parent is awesome fun and action packed, and despite getting a
tad less sleep at points, it's an amazing experience bringing a little
dude into the world.
Good on ya, I guess after E3 you may have other focuses beyond wave
colors... like babysuit colors etc..
Rest up
cheers
j
============

Thanks, J!

It was fun when you, B and I were working together here to listen to both of you talk about your kids. I was in early days then and not telling anyone, but I'm looking forward to it. It'll be a whole new adventure!

==========
yeh, kid banter is amusing, and i know what it's like to have to keep that info quiet for the first semester, seems like an eternity.
i'm sure everyone says it... but... enjoy those lazy lie-ins now and take off for a holiday before you two become a three.
chin chin
j

Pitiful, truly...

2011-04-25T16:44:00.001-07:00

Apparently, I'm not one to suffer and wait if there's anything I can do to 'make' something happen. I checked on Craigs List and found a woman who's selling her Doppler for a fair price. The Doppler is a microphone that I can use to hear the Baby's heartbeat. I keep waking up and feeling scared that something's wrong, so for peace of mind for the next month, I'm going to go for it. Though I feel very silly, I'm also extremely grateful that I live in a country where such things are easily available.

Anyone else hearing the hovering doom of an Alpha Mom? So much for my relaxed, hippy version of myself. I should have known that would prove to be a myth. I blame it on the design world and Silicon Valley where I've become too dependent on gadgets (right, that's all this is, right? NOD and smile, people, nod and smile.)

Edited to add: Bought it. Took a while to find the heartbeat, but it was there! Phew. Jrex is fully convinced that I'm nuts, but it was worth it to just feel peaceful last night.

Now is the paranoid time

2011-04-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

I'm at 15 weeks. There's another woman at work who is due two weeks after me and she looks pregnant. Granted, she started a little more voluptuous, than me so when she gets even curvier, it's more obvious. For me, if I gain a cup size, it's NOT significant since bigger than not much is only a little. ;-)

The point being, I'm not showing yet at all. My pants no longer fit, except the baggy, drawstring ones, but that's easy to chalk up to bloating (there's PLENTY of that!). The nausea is still there, but it isn't as bad as it's been. It's a little too easy to feel like it's all in my head or that the baby has stopped growing. Last week when we got back from Texas, I was convinced that since things were going well, something had to go bad; I called my doctor and asked to come in to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The nurse has a slow morning so she let me sneak in before work. The doppler microphone they use is a little wand that gets pressed into the stomach and has to get mushed all around to find the tiny little heart (size of a pinky finger). Four LONG minutes of deep sea ocean sounds followed before she finally found a little whump whump whump sound. 145 bpm--all good. Now I have two weeks to go before the amnio and ultrasound. I'm trying to just trust that everything is fine, but it's HARD!

Tuesday I chatted with an old college friend who lost her 36 week old baby two months ago. They'd known that the baby had a severely underdeveloped heart, but were hoping for a healing. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Given all the grief surrounding such a loss, she and her husband are doing remarkably well. They've truly pressed into God's grace together in an amazing way. It makes me feel sad that it's so hard for me to do that. I guess it showed me how much I still have trust scars in my relationship with Him. Not just from the miscarriage, though that's a significant part.

My Mom always used to say that she loved God, but that she didn't trust him to do her good. It made me SO mad growing up. He was so obviously good and took such good care of us (we never went hungry and the mortgage always got paid) that her lack of faith felt like an affront to my seven year old heart. I get it now. Enough battering from life and it's harder to trust that the way I want things to go is the way He intends.

It's especially poignant this week. Historically, this is the week to remember Jesus' last week before he got killed by the Roman occupiers. On Sunday, he entered Jerusalem to the loud shouts of an excited crowd. They greeted him as a conquering hero: throwing their coats down so he wouldn't touch the ground, waving arms and palm branches. In their minds, NOW the Romans would be kicked out. NOW God had sent the Anointed One to make things right. NOW was the time for their liberation. Well the second two were true, but Jesus' target was much bigger than what his people could see in front of them.

When Jesus proceeded to get arrested on Thursday night and then get beaten by both the Jewish leaders and the Romans without fighting back, their disappointment rose up and they vehemently cried out for him to be crucified on Friday. Given a choice between him and another rebel, they picked the other guy. It really hits home for me, what do I do with my expectations of Him? How do I interpret his promises and how do I assume it's supposed to look? And then what do I do when it's not what I'd hoped for? What's the deeper stuff in me that He's trying to expose and heal? How often do I just keep moving and numbing and hoping the lesson will fade away instead of requiring me to wade through toward resolution?

Much of my life for a long time has been about waiting. Pregnancy just takes that to a new, more intimate level. There's nothing I can do but trust, though trust and hope are painful places to dwell. Yet in this place, there is healing that God wants to do in me. As I write this, I'm realizing that. May I press into grace in the way that my friend has been.

It's certainly the right week to do that.

Please sign here...

2011-04-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

This has been the week of PDF documents. I don't know how people used to buy homes in new states (or countries) before the internet. My father's Mother once took a train solo from Michigan to northern California to find and buy a newspaper business and a house in the same trip. I guess she must have signed all her forms and written her checks while she was there? (A note to those of you who think I'M independent or crazy for being willing to be alone in Texas while pregnant. Yikes, I've got nothing on my grandmother for independence.)

The house passed the home inspection, BUT... there are some issues that need to be addressed in the foundation (cracked joists, wooden support beams resting on the ground and absorbing water). Dallas homes have no basements, so the foundation options are slabs of concrete, or in older homes, post and beam construction. Ours is post and beam. The foundation expert will crawl around down there and give an estimate on Monday.

In other house drama, the inspector recommended a roofing inspection. The roofer (who is a really honest guy, according to my realtor) said the previous roof was installed improperly (not enough overlap in the shingles, exposed nails, some flashing issues) and recommends a new roof. There are a bunch of other relatively minor things (the oven only has one temperature: 375 degrees, etc.), but between the top and bottom of the house we've got some big ones. We're going to ask for all foundation repairs to be completed, for a couple minor safety issues to get addressed, and then propose splitting the cost of a new roof.

We'll see what the seller says, but it's making me glad we didn't do a counter-counter offer on the initial asking price to try to squeeze the price lower. It might mean we have some wiggle room now.

-------
I think that the house and the neighborhood have actually tipped me towards excitement about moving to Dallas. All my fears of big hair, makeup, fancy clothes and murder (thank you soap opera Dallas) are dying down. It's a good city with lots of restaurants and museums. Knowing there's a quirky side as well is highly comforting.

My other comfort is knowing two other couples from Baltimore who've now ended up in Dallas. One of them just had their second baby while we were there. We got to meet him and hang out in the hospital with them. They live 20 minutes north of where we'll be living, but they have a POOL, so I predict our kids will grow up playing together. The other couple are hikers, foodies and all around interesting people. They aren't into kids and she's deathly allergic to animals, so I'm not sure how that will develop, but we saw them twice this last trip and had a lot of fun with them. Both couples have promised to take good care of me while I'm alone in July and August.

PLUS (I missed the text until it was too late) but I had a text from one of my aunts while we were there saying, "Where are you now? We're in Dallas." I saw it three hours after she sent it and saw the follow up that said, "Sorry we missed you, we're heading up to Kansas now. Love and prayers be with you." I like the fact that I'll get to see my Mom's side of the family more often than I have in our coastal lives.

It makes it interesting now when coworkers come up and say with sad sympathy, "I heard you're moving to Dallas! I'm so sorry." It's easier to just nod and smile than try to defend Dallas, but I'm amused that I find myself arguing with them in my head.

This is ridiculous!

2011-04-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm already in a battle of wills with this baby. Seriously!

I'm of German/English extraction. This means that I grew up with dessert as a regular part of the meal. When I talk about dessert, I mean cake, ice cream, chocolate, basically something fattening and sugary. I even have a 'dessert stomach'. When Jrex and I go out for dinner, I'll finish half my meal, declare I'm totally full, yet still have room for dessert. It's one of my more bewildering features as far as he's concerned. It was only after marrying into the Korean world, I discovered fruit could even be considered dessert. I might opt for a couple squares of chocolate after, but I've learned to enjoy the fruit course.

Purely based on what makes me nauseous, this baby is already more Jrex's kid than mine. I can eat anything spicy (Indian, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, Mediterranean and Mexican) and not feel at all nauseous. If I try to eat a Thin Mint? I feel gross and ill. Cake? Same. Pastry? Yup.

The good side of this deal is that I haven't yet gained weight. If the kid is going to make me eat fruit and veggies all the time, I might be able to keep my weight gain around the 25 pound mark. The bigger perk is that I am gaining SO much ammo for after the kid is born. If Jrex tries to blame the kid's quirks on my side of the family, I can argue that from the womb this was his kid more than mine. (Rubs hands in evil anticipation...)

Despite all that, I keep trying to own my own body. I like dessert, dammit! You don't get to take over the world, yet. Sheesh, you're only 4 inches long.

Baby wins every time.

Home Sweet Home!

2011-04-09T06:29:00.001-07:00

We made an offer on the first house we saw on Thursday. Just to confirm our choice, we did look through the other houses on our list. All of these were in Oak Cliff which is the funky, bohemian neighborhood south of the river here in Dallas. Nothing compared. In fact, this was actually cheaper per square foot than many of the others (though it was close to our upper end).

The offer was accepted yesterday! We'd asked for a June 30 close and $15,000 off the asking price, he countered with closing May 30th, $6500 off, and then renting the house back from us with a possession date of July 1. Done!

Forgive the excessive photos, but I love looking at houses, so I'm sharing the fun with you. (my fun = your torture, right? bwah hah hah. evil laughter)
Most houses in Dallas don't have great porches. This one has room for a porch swing and table and chairs on the left and then our sky chair hanging on the right. My mom always lusted after wrap-around porches. I really wish she could enjoy this one with us.

Note the doorbell. It has a little bronze label under that says "Pull" and it rings a physical bronze bell inside the house. Jrex and I have joked about having a house where we could feature a suit of armor as a decor element. We could almost get away with it in the foyer:

Now into the kitchen. Those doors lead to a fenced back yard.

This eat-in area is to the left as you enter the kitchen. We finally have a great place for friends to hang out while Jrex does his magic. The stove is an island, so it allows for cooking as entertainment.

Why, yes, there's a wine fridge! When we said the house was perfect for us...

Mudroom at the back left of the kitchen.

Dog Door! That's my personal 'sign'. I kept thinking about how we could let the dog have an inside/outside life. Done.

Powder room opens off the passageway between kitchen and dining room.

Now back to the front foyer, this is the view when you look left after coming in the front door. We LOVE all the ceiling fans. AND all the windows in the house are new, double-paned glass and they can be opened. The sad truth is that here in Dallas, many people go directly from heating to air conditioning and lots of the houses don't have functional windows.

View back out to the foyer.

Turn to your left and you see this:

Working from home is seeming fairly appealing!

Now back to the foyer and let's go upstairs. This is the view from the top of the stairs.

Looking up into the hall, on the right, the master bedroom. Next door on right, utility room with washer/dryer. Ahead, full bath. Two doors on left, first would be for kid room, back is the guest room.

View into Master Bedroom.

And yes, it deserves all caps...
Working wood-burning fireplace. Walk-in closet on left. It's big enough that Jrex looked at it and claimed the back third for his office space. Master bath on the right.

The left rear third of this opens up and there's an area that's definitely big enough so we can put in a desk. Elfa shelving by the Container Store. All modular.

We're kind of hoping the seller asks if he can take the chandelier with him. Note the little cupids on top! It's just so us, don't you think?

And now, the master bath:

Dual sink and a jetted tub! Mommy needs her alone time now, kiddies, go bug your father.

I love having a water closet! Means the bathroom can end up becoming family time (as I've heard it does), but you can still get some privacy.

Future nursery. Across from the master bedroom.

I already think of this as Mom K's room, though other guests will be welcome to use it, too! ;-)

Utility room.
Now back downstairs, through the kitchen and out to the back yard.

I'm really excited that the house feels perfect as is. I don't need to paint anything or change any fixtures. Nada. The backyard though... I think one of our first projects will be to tear out the rickety back porch that's there and get a deck installed. We'll have a table, chairs and grill up there. Then pull up the brick that divides the yard in very strange ways, put in stepping stones, ground cover and probably a little play house/structure where the patio is now. If you turn around and look to your left from this view, you see the garage:

Behind an automatic gate, we'll be able to fit both cars into the cleanest garage I've ever seen in my life! It will never be so pristine again... There's even a 220 volt plug on the wall in case we opt for an electric car. Through the door you see on the left is the workshop. It's insulated and with the ceiling fans blowing, felt cool even though it was 87 degrees and humid yesterday. It's got it's own circuit breaker, so we can easily install a window AC unit if we need it.

Exercise room (maybe we'll eBay an elliptical machine and weights), carpentry workshop and art studio!

I've developed a serious case of 'pregnancy brain' this trip. Sure enough, I forgot my purse in the house. The seller came home and called our realtor, "I think she feels really at home here because she left her purse in the living room." We got to go back and meet the seller (which made me really happy.) He's moving cause he broke up with his partner and the house is too big for him now. He's had it for five years and done all the wall paint and fixtures as well as planting all the trees and transforming the yard. The guy before him was a woodworker who put in the front foyer and the kitchen. Both men seemed to be incredible craftsmen!

I can't tell you how happy and humbled we both feel. This whole process has been incredibly clean. After so many years where many things were uphill battles, it's a little freaky to have everything aligning and moving smoothly. We'll take it though!

The cultural slant

2011-04-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

To answer OTRmama's question, of course Mom K thinks it's going to be a boy! So does her pastor. She does keep saying she'll be happy no matter what, but she's already picked a Korean boy's name that means "God has made" or "God provides". It's traditional for the parents to pick the Korean name, so I'm fine with her having selected a name, it's just cute that it's only a boy's name. We'll pick the American first name and go with the Korean name she provides as the middle name. Ironically, we have a girl's name we really like, but not a boy's name yet.

My sister offered to come help for the birth and we've asked Mom K to come after that. I'm glad we're doing it that way since there are a ton of Korean traditions around the birth experience that I'd prefer to avoid. The biggest one is the belief that your whole body has to stay hot. Any cold air will cause arthritis to enter into your joints. Every part of your body is stretched out and until it pulls back together you have to stay hot. SO, no bathing after childbirth. Sponge bath only while you lay in bed swaddled in blankets. Hot drinks. Hot soup. Even in summer. Sure, I'm due in mid-October, but I'm thinking that Dallas will still be warm then. Plus, I'll risk the arthritis, but I know I'll need to take a shower after giving birth. I was there for my sister's labor and it's not the cleanest process in the world!

Mom K is thrilled to be invited to come and help. I know I've had a hard time before with her coming for more than 8 days or so, but I've heard from a lot of people that after a baby, you don't care who it is, you're just glad to have extra hands. I'm hoping that's true! With her around I'm sure I'll be fed a ton of seaweed soup (lots of iron) and red meat. She's a great cook and I do love Korean food, so that will be fine. We'll just have to supplement with occasional salads (since Korean fare tends to be a bit meat heavy).

I'm also collecting her advice. She's given me the usual suspects: rest, eat, no stress. The advice I enjoy most comes when she exceeds my expectations:

"Sun Ae (my Korean name), you live on the second floor (like I might have forgotten). When you go down the stairs, you can't run. You have to go slow."

"You have to get a four bedroom house so you have room for a baby, an office and a house guest."

"You have to read the Bible more than ever. It will help the baby."

-------------
On the work front, we've ended up going with a hybrid booth that uses half the ideas we gave them, but doesn't go all the way. We were invited to the table to hear what all the franchises within the big organization want to see in their special rooms. That was a big deal since they haven't done that before. I've been officially listed as the Creat1ve D1rector on the project and the client is thrilled to have me in that role. So that's all good.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with our General Manag3r to discuss next steps and timelines. I get to find out if she intends to keep me on full-time. I also get to tell her I'm pregnant. Fortunately, Jrex and I timed it perfectly (not on purpose...) since the work schedule for post-October is really empty. I've written out job descriptions for the people I'd like to hire in my place and done a timeline for when I need to do interviews and when to hire someone (late May). It's coming up really fast.

Sunday I met before church with the junior high youth workers and the women ended up praying for me and all these life transitions. Then in the afternoon, I went to my small group (which is all married couples with kids). In an unusual twist, the Dads took all the kids out to play so four of us women were able to share and pray for each other. What was cool was that the group in the afternoon ended up praying along very similar lines as the group in the morning. Beyond the usual health and smooth transition stuff there were a couple other threads that are private, but were really neat to hear.

oh yeah! In other good news, Jrex has been in Orlando since Friday night at the Amer1can Assoc1ation of Cancer Research3rs. He was a speaker in a symposium that was run by his advisor. It went really well and he said a bunch of people complimented him on his part of it. I'm so proud of him. So many things in both our lives that have felt stuck are starting to move. It's an exciting time. Feels like we're clicking up and up toward the top of the roller coaster (in a good, anticipation of fun times way).

Thanks for all your excitement and your prayers! Life feels good right now.

One plus one equals three

2011-04-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

Well, at long last, the news you’ve been waiting for. Not only are we moving to a new city this year, buying a house, and starting a new job (Jrex), we’re ALSO going to juggle becoming the ‘rents.

Yup. I’m 12 weeks pregnant. (pause for cheers and hugs)

We just had the second ultrasound. I’ve been wanting to post about all this for a mere 10 weeks, but the superstitious side of me was scared that if put in writing, it might not happen. Somehow seeing something that resembled a human on this last ultrasound has helped me feel more comfortable with the idea of starting to hope we might meet this little person. It was really cool to see a head (huge!), spinal column, arms, legs and a steady heartbeat.

The doctor said the baby is 5-6 days ahead in terms of size (5.63 cm), which means that thus far, we’ve got a big baby. Jrex reminded me of his mom’s travail in birthing him. His head was really big and it took her two days to push him out; as he puts it, he was a ‘butterball’. I guess it’s good that I’ve got these handy Germanic hips if the kid’s going to take after Dad.

Since I’m an old lady, I get to do an amnio in early May. My OBGYN had her first kid at 38 and as she put it, “By the end of the genetic counseling session before the amnio I’m thinking, ‘I get it! I’m really old. Let’s move on!” She’s very bummed that she won’t get to deliver the baby, but is insisting that she still gets to be one of the godmothers.

Because of the baby, we’re doing the move in two parts. End of June the movers take everything and Jrex and I drive out to close on the house. Then I get to nest with a vengeance while he comes back here to finish up his work. He’ll come back in late August to have a couple weeks off before starting work September 6th. I’m due in mid-October so we’ll have time for a couple quick prenatal classes and then wham! Welcome to the land of diapers and sleepless nights.

Overall everything is going really well. I’ve been properly ill. I love the description in The Girlfriend’s Guide that it’s not ‘morning sickness’, it’s ‘progesterone poisoning’. If actual illness is a 10, my nausea never got to 10, but I had many, many days where it was a perpetual wave between 6 and 8.5. My wonderful husband made me food and was patient and nice about it all. Fortunately, that phase seems to be ebbing a bit.

So, ‘real life’ begins with a vengeance, huh?

Tribes and Violence

2011-03-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I spent a day with an Afghani woman. During our time together, I asked about her perspective on the Taliban. Her tone was derisive as she said that they're all Pashtun. Her tribe is Uzbek. The whole conflict was a tribal war. The Pashtun have always been more conservative and less educated (in her opinion...) The Pashtun tribe extends from eastern Afghanistan into Pakistan (there's a reason the border is 'porous'. Tribe trumps a line drawn by some Brits).

I've thought alot about that ever since. Why does the news here rarely mention the tribal element? Instead we hear about Pakistan not having control of it's borders.

A couple weeks ago, I heard something in passing about the fact that Quaddafi is part of the Qudhadhfa tribe. Close to a third of the country (maybe less?) is from that tribe. So the reason there are so many 'Quaddafi loyalists' is tribal. He's taken good care of his tribe, so why would they turn on him. The defectors to the rebels are people who were in his government but who aren't part of the same tribe.

I don't have a huge conclusion, but I'm intrigued and saddened by the tribal lens on world events. It somehow makes the conflicts seem more difficult to fully resolve. The solution seems to be what happened in Sudan recently, let countries reshape around tribal lines rather than continue to carry the burden of colonial borders (that were DESIGNED to thwart tribes).

Home?

2011-03-21T17:20:00.001-07:00

I called a couple mortgage lenders today to start the pre-approval process. We're heading to Dallas in April for a four-day house hunt and will need to make an offer while we're there.

Each lender asked me a bunch of follow-up questions in order to give me an estimate. With each, it felt more like a chat than a business transaction and after asking where I live now and how long I've been here, "California, almost five years," they followed up with, "Oh, so where is your home?"

Pause. Confusion on my part. I've been here five years, it's here. Then the lightbulb, "Oh! Do you mean where did I grow up? I grew up in Cincinnati and my husband grew up in Staten Island, NY."

"Cincinnati! That's great. You'll be closer to home now."

Hmm... first of all, at this stage of life, home is wherever Jrex and I are together. Home can be a tent or a motel room, but I haven't had a 'home' in the sense they mean since my mother died. With my Dad now in Seattle, Cincinnati is where I grew up, but definitely not home.

The other thing that constantly amuses me is how each Dallas person latches onto Cincinnati in excitement. The places I've lived on the coasts are greeted with a blank nod or shrug, but when I mention growing up in Cincinnati, I have an instant 'in'. They tell me who they know there, trips they've taken to visit or ask me about sports (I know nothing about the current state of the Reds, the Bengals or UC basketball). On both the east and west coast, it's been the opposite. Cincinnati is treated as part of the great empty mystery in the middle of the country where nothing really exists except maybe Chicago.

I get nervous for Jrex. He's only lived on the coasts so even without being Asian, he'll be a foreigner. We'll be together though, so at least we'll know where home is.

I can sleep well tonight!

2011-03-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Comments from the client after we gave them our pitch this morning:

"I feel like we asked you to go big and to show us what different would look like and you did it. Change is always uncomfortable, but you definitely gave us what we asked for. Now we just have to figure out what to do about it. You've started some really important conversations. Thank you." (main branding guru)

"I don't know if this solution addresses all of our needs, but I deeply appreciate the thinking that you've done. It's obvious that you were very deliberate in your approach. Thank you." (VP in charge of it all)

"I love the circular video screen. Everyone else there has a huge rectangle. I like that you're opting out of the arms race with the other booths." (Video Guy)

"I love the open, round demo pods. I love the thinking there." (person in charge of press relations)

"How am I going to convince someone who thought they were getting an entire room to be happy with two monitors?" (Operational Person in charge of booth needs)

"We love the idea of one game taking over the entire booth in wav3s. That sounds fantastic." (multiple people). (that idea was mine...)

Overall, we went in with an agency approach (big strategic thinking) and they responded well. Phew!!

Many people on my team (not MM) have thanked me and commented that this wouldn't have happened without me. My General Manager sent me a personal note: "Your calm influence, great perspective and positive attitude helped everyone through this — and I am sure there were times you wanted to bang a few heads together! I've had great feedback on the meeting today and am thrilled it went so well."

One of the ironies is that the strategy guy wasn't really able to pitch the booth section. As anticipated the clients couldn't help themselves and jumped in with many, many questions. All the issues that I'd raised and considered were the very things they wanted answers about. MM's dismissive responses during the process weren't going to work in that situation, so I presented my pragmatic, logistical solutions as if the team had worked them out. In the end, I have to give him my begrudging respect (he WAS right about needing to take them further than their comfort zone), and hopefully he won't be as dismissive in the future.

The client is regrouping tomorrow and will give us feedback on Monday.

I, on the other hand, am taking a comp day. I was going to do a run to Joshua Tree this weekend with my two climbing partners, but all three of us have been overwhelmed by life and so instead we're taking a day off together (vs a whole weekend). We were going to do a day trip to a local climb, but it's supposed to rain all day (and you can't climb the local sandstone in the rain; you damage the rock). Instead, tomorrow will include brunch at Graceful's house, wedding dress shopping for Petite Slovakian and then climbing at the gym.

I feel like a huge anxiety bomb rolled off my back this morning without exploding...

Tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day

2011-03-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

The pitch is tomorrow. I actually feel ok about it. Our team in Austral1a really pulled this one out in the end. Phew.

The account lead met with our main client today to give her a sneak peak. The client is nervous, but willing to let us present our case. We'll see. It's all on MM to pitch this puppy and persuade them.

I had a great idea this morning. We're going to give each person a stack of index cards and a pen. We'll ask them to hold their questions (and write them down) since it's a big, all-inclusive concept. Then, when we're all done, we'll collect the questions and create a FAQ to put up on the microsite. That way our client can direct her people to the FAQ so she doesn't have to answer the same thing over and over and over again.

I'll let you know what happens!

Because there IS life outside of this project

2011-03-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

I brought in an amazing writer to work on this project and he has TOTALLY delivered. Reshaped everything, made it coherent, and better yet, everyone agrees with the radical surgeries he did to our content! I slept like a baby last night.

Anyway, I'm shoving a bunch of stuff in the direction of my Australian team in the next hour, and then Jrex and I are heading out to Supper Club. What used to be a once a month deal has been shredded by the arrival of children. Now when we meet, it's at 4 in the afternoon and it's a much more thrown together sort of thing. Fine with me. Tonight, in honor of Jrex getting a job, we're doing a BBQ theme. Pulled Chicken BBQ, red cabbage coleslaw (with jicama as the surprise ingredient), Champagne, Beer and Pie for dessert (Don't know what kind yet since we have to buy it on the way there. We're hoping for a sweet potato pie, but doubting that Whole Foods will carry one.)

It'll be fun to hang out with people that have nothing to do with work.

I'm so sorry for how dry and unimaginative my blog has become. I'm not even taking pictures anymore. I love seeing pics and miss posting them here. I hope I can get better about that. Anyway, thanks for hanging in through all the blahness of my current phase of life.

I hear that train a comin'

2011-03-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

We really need to hire another full-time designer. For next week, we just got requests for another RFP, a PPT for a current client and pulling together PPT for an event that my company is hosting. Sigh. I'm totally burned out and haven't even made it to the stand-up yet.

Oh, and MM, who has taken over this entire project and been crowned The Decider, will be out of town dealing with something else from Saturday through Wednesday evening. When's the pitch to the client? (the train with the bright lights that I can see clearly heading down the tracks where I'm tied up?) Thursday morning. 9 AM. When I asked him when he thought we could do a rehearsal, he looked at me in confusion, "Rehearsal? We all know what I'm going to say. What's your vision for a rehearsal?"

I paused, "Well, we know your strategy part, but we don't know what you're going to say about the designs and it would be good to walk through that. Also it would be good to know when we're doing hand offs and to whom. Would be good to agree on an order and do a walkthrough to make sure we can cover everything in an hour."

He seemed to think that he could call in from the airport to do the rehearsal. Which won't work.

The train seems bigger than I thought it might be.

At this point, I'm just DONE. I'm tired and beat down. I plan on enjoying my evening and going to sleep early.

I'm also really, really tired of a job that claims this much from me. I end up going into hibernation mode during these intense projects since all the personalities at work drain any need for human contact. I avoid the phone, avoid my friends, barely talk with Jrex. It's no life and I'm really over it. I kind of wish they hadn't said they wanted to keep me remotely. I think I'd be happy to walk away this summer and take time to regroup.

Phew!

2011-03-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel. My 3D des1gner stayed up all night to get through the latest round of changes from my crazy people. What he brought in today looked great. My people looked at it and started with quibbling little comments about the height of a screen or what direction the elements were facing on a shelf. I pulled them back by asking, "So, judging by the things you're picking out, am I right to think that you're basically happy with the overall design?"

"Oh, yes. It's great."

Finally! This has been the two longest weeks of my life. Our strateg1st went to the client on Monday and walked them through our approach and they said he was right on, so at least they won't be in total shock when they see the solution (I hope). I never have work dreams and last night I dreamt that I was with two of the clients and we were trying to print a banner for the p1tch. We were totally stressed about content and delivery. Which IS my next hurdle. I have to pull together content for a writer who thinks he has 6 days to work and I have to tell him we need content by EOD Friday. The standup is Thursday and we have a m1crosite, a PDF 'book' and a p1tch deck to layout before then.

Somehow people think that you hand content to a des1gner and push print and it pops right out. They have NO idea how many hours it takes to lay things out, much the less find images, create graphics and then make sure there aren't stupid typos. Grrrr... At least I'm not doing the final layout so that's a relief. I'm 'managing' so I don't have to be in the trenches.

Fostering Change

2011-03-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

I've always believed that if you want a person (or a big company) to make a change, you have to help them see the pathway to that change and feel safe making steps in that direction. For this current big project our strateg1st sees it differently. Let's call him Micromanaging Miscommunicator. (MM) thinks that if the client said 'Go Big', we need to leave them no safety net, no stepping stones, just a huge new vision. This client is in a super trendy industry where every booth at the big show has a huge screen, lots of noise, lots of action and our solution is to create an 'anti-booth': no big scre3n, no more pr1vate meet1ng rooms, no waiting l1nes to get into a small room for an exclusive viewing of the upcoming fun & gam3s. At heart, our client is surprisingly conservative so my gut tells me they won't make a big jump without something to help them get there. However, the client asked that this all be driven by strat3gy and (MM) has taken it as his prerogative to be The Decider.

(We've taken this up the chain to our General Manag3r and she's said that (MM) gets to decide. All power to the dude.)

He's stepped into the role of the creat1ve d1rector even though he uses words VERY differently than a designer would. For example, he kept telling all of us that he wanted a 'dirty, messy, hairball'. For us, that evokes rough materials (burlap?), make it look like an outdoor park, evoke the opposite of everything else at this show. Well, after over a week of us sketching our little hearts out and being told we're not getting it, someone showed him images of some exper1ences they were proposing for the bo0th. He saw a b0oth that had glowing green curving shapes, none the same as any of the others: sleek, shiny, organic in form but very modern in execution and he said, "See! Now that's dirty". I had to interject, "Could you help me understand what's dirty about that?" "The fact that there are no 90 degree corners. I love that."

Ah. No wonder we couldn't hit it. One of our thr3e-D guys went away and came back with a very sleek, shiny design and (MM) loved it. The des1gner gleefully calls it his 'd1rty' design every chance he can. I tease him, "You mean your sleek, modern, organic des1gn?" "Oh no, it's d1rty!
Stop using words that make sense." It's a sexy rendering, but I have a feeling the client is going to FREAK out when they see it.

I've registered my protests, but since we've been told it's (MM)'s decision, on his head be it.

I hope I'm wrong and he's right. I love these clients and I'm SO uncomfortable that we're only giving them our one big idea and not giving them anything interim to get them toward the b1g picture. If this works it'll be a lesson for me about what going b1g looks (and feels) like. It's not very comfortable at all.

Can I surmount this next wave?

2011-02-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

Aside from all the life drama, a week ago one of our clients came to us and asked us to show them what we'd do with a sky's the limit solution for their booth. Not so much in terms of them giving us much extra money, but in terms of a new concept. Somehow I'm now the creative lead on this project! I'm pulling together a team in Austral1a, two teams in LA, and a designer from our Detr0it office. The client has mandated that we work well with two other vendors, one of whom is a direct competitor. I'm leading brainstorms between our b00th designers and our strateg1st and they DON'T speak the same language so I'm trying to translate while barely understanding myself.

Aaagh! I have support, but we're also being watched by many people in the company. It's an amazing opportunity and there's a lot of pressure. I'm trying to just focus on what I know to do each day and take it from there. I totally can't see how we'll get there from here (right now it all feels like chaos). I've seen other creative directors who come in and have The Vision and can steer the team. I've never seen myself as that person, I'm good at making it look good once someone else gets the big concept, but now I have to figure something out.

Sigh. I'm going to head home and try to do some sketching and brainstorming so that I'm more coherent tomorrow than I was today. This is rough...it's a great challenge, but I'm already exhausted and we have two weeks to go.

Sometimes though it's about being the decider and acting confident so that others feel safe. Part of me is hoping someone will come in and rescue me and part of me wants to see how I survive and triumph.

I'm going to try to navigate this wave without drowning, but we'll see!

What's done is done

2011-02-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

The moving decision is made . . . and, not shockingly, it’s Dallas.

For a while now, Jrex has had a persistent gut sense that the choice was going to be Dallas. Last Thursday, Jrex heard from the guy in P0rtland that everything was in progress, but he didn’t have the paperwork done yet. Basically that P0rtland email crystallized for Jrex the fact that he needed to trust his gut (and the fact that I was getting the same gut sense, even if I didn’t want to listen to it) and that the choice was Dallas. The directors of both programs are good friends and are both straight shooters, so we thought it would be better for Jrex to just call them both to let them know the choice was made. That way P0rtland could stop all the logistics they were doing to get him lab space on top of the hill, etc.

It was SO hard for me to fully commit to that decision. I just didn’t want it to be true. I took some time yesterday to process everything. I wrote down what I’d hoped for P0rtland and what I feared about Dal1as. Then I wrote out key decision points in my life and how the Lord had led me and what the consequences were. For college, I decided between Oberl1n and Hampsh1re. On paper, Oberl1n made more sense. I could have come home on weekends when I needed to, my best friend was going there and it’s a great school, but Hampsh1re gave me a much better financial aid package, so I took that as the sign. And the town Hampsh1re was in had an amazing church that truly saved my faith as I worked through all the philosophical debates of college life.

Choosing to date Jrex also took me away from a known network. Matching in Rochester (which meant 3 more years there for Jrex after the 10 he’d already been there) also led us to an amazing church that started that next year. It gave me healing retreats and friendships with a fantastic group of artistic Christian women. Then in Baltimore we thought we wanted a row house with no yard work and instead the Lord led us to a house with a tree house and wisteria (i.e. LOTS of yard work), and we loved it. We discovered a gift for hospitality we hadn’t known we had. All of that reminded me that when I’ve trusted the Lord, even if it didn’t make sense on paper, there were great things that happened.

So I’m feeling better now. Still sad and will still have some grieving to do, but glad the decision is made so we can move ahead.

One comforting thought is that for family vacations we're hoping to rent a cabin in Crater Lake, or near Mt. St. Helens, etc. and let my family and OTRmama and her daughter know when we’ll be around so they can join us for a chunk of the time we’ll be in the area. It’s not the same, but feels better than nothing right now!

It's good to have the decision made. We even worked out dates for the move and Jrex's start date (July 18th and August 1st, respectively). I've emailed the realtor. It's all in motion now. Despite all mixed emotions at the moment, in the end it will be good.

Thanks for your support and listening during this process.

Trying to listen

2011-02-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

Every single person I’ve talked with has said they can see me in Portland, even people who are from Dallas. Everyone is confused that we’re even considering the big D. I’ve tried to explain that underneath every logical, emotional, and mental process, there’s this quiet, persistent nudge towards Dallas. Most people just look confused when I try to talk about that and then keep asking logical questions that make me question the nudge. Because it doesn’t make sense to move far away from our friends and family and to turn our backs on mountains, it’s been easy to dismiss. In the end, it’s meant trying to find logical, emotional, and mental reasons to tell people why Dallas and not Portland, but it comes out muddled cause I don’t really mean it. We both WANT Portland, but we both have that persistent itch that won’t let us head in that direction.

Last night Jrex rightly called me out on it, “Hon, I love you, but I’m getting a little tired of you telling people that we can’t move to Portland because it would mean a depressed husband.” That’s been one of my ‘logical’ reasons. I think there’s some truth to the fact that we know he gets Seasonal Affective Disorder and Portland would be challenging because of that, but that’s not a real reason to not move there.

We’re waiting to see what the offer from Portland looks like. It’s supposed to come today or tomorrow, so the decision should get made this weekend. I’ve even asked the Lord for a specific sign if he’s opening the door to us moving north (since I need something tangible so I KNOW it’s Him if I ‘get’ to move to Dallas).

Anyway, today I was praying a bit and decided to listen more closely to the nudge. For Jrex’s career it makes sense to go south, but what about for me? If I’m giving up my family and friends, what’s there for me? I asked the Lord what he has for me in Dallas. Right away I got an idea for a class I could teach at a college. I’d have the students contact local non-profit groups (church, synagogue, mosque, community center, neighborhood historical society, etc). As a class we’d have real clients from those groups and we’d go through the entire design process with them. In the end, the client would have a full identity set, publicity materials, a web site and perhaps an event all created by students. They get all that for free while the students get a valuable real-world educational opportunity. Dallas is rife with schools from Community Colleges to Southern Methodist University.

Of course, Portland is also packed with schools, too, so the idea could work there... Sigh. See why it’s hard to listen to such a quiet, persistent thought? I can so easily override it when it’s not what I want to hear.

Big move decision aside, I’ve been thinking about the teaching thing for a long time. I don’t really know how I should go about it. Do I just contact administrators and deans to tell them my idea? Do I start at Community Colleges? Do I go back to school first? Does anyone out there know?

Decision Made!

2011-02-14T16:33:00.002-08:00

Not about where to live since we haven't heard back from Portland yet. Rather, we found a car. Saturday I roamed car dealerships test driving vehicles: Nissan Rogue, Ford Escape, Honda CR-V, Subaru Outback Wagon and Forester. Jrex couldn't join me, but his absence proved to be a GREAT escape from dealers, "I love this car, but I have to bring my husband back with me for a test drive. I'm just the scout." Worked like a charm.

I came home and told him I was most interested in the CR-V. What I liked:

easy fold-away rear seats.
rear seats are movable. Kid in car seat could be pulled close but an adult with long legs could move back. The rear seats also slightly recline.
Two-level cargo area with a removable shelf.
Car didn't feel tippy.
Decent gas mileage for an SUV (23/30).
Lots of great storage solutions.
Steering wheel controls for sound system.
Reliability of Hondas in general.

Of course, my tastes are quirky: I like top of the line for thrift store pricing. Given that, the EX-L (top of the line) is my preference: leather seats (I've seen with the mutt that clean up on leather is MUCH easier than on fabric), better sound system, moon roof, and better gas mileage.

Across the bay, I found a dealer that's part of Auto Nation. Their online prices were definitely under the listed Kelly Blue Book value. When arrived at the dealership the stickers on the cars were significantly more than the prices in my little notebook. The dealer explained that they do internet pricing, but they'd be happy to honor what I'd written down. In the end the $3500 price difference is the amount they can bargain, so we weren't able to crank the price any lower. Knowing it was already under KBB, neither of us felt bad about that. As Auto Nation says of themselves, "Our associates are here to help you, not sell you. At AutoNation, we’ll guide your through a buying process that is honest, transparent and easy to understand." That really was our experience. Plus, they sell certified pre-owned. That means they check 120 things on the car and anything with less than 50% wear left in it gets replaced, so new tires, timing belt, etc.

Anyway, they had a 2007 EX-L on the lot with 43,000 miles. Online that looked like "The One", but when we got there, we discovered that it was GOLD. I couldn't even get Jrex to get in it to test drive it! I tried to tell him it was the perfect car for Dallas: lots of bling! but he was not persuaded. There was another 2007 EX-L with 74,500 miles. After we drove a lower grade 2009, we talked about the high-mileage car and realized that we didn't mind (plus it meant the car cost $3000 less). A quick test drive and we were sold!

We drove off with our (my) new baby (ours also has roof racks and runner boards):

I feel like such a device slut since it's too easy to think of these things as "My precious": my Kindle, my DroidX, my work laptop and now the car. Time to get me out of Silicon Valley!

In any case, I'm excited to really try her out in March when my climbing partners and I are scooting down to Joshua Tree from Friday morning to Sunday night. Seven hours of fun each way!

Yo Momma

2011-02-12T04:44:00.000-08:00

In the neighborhood where we grew up, insults served as forms of affection, greeting, farewell and general interaction. This proved to be problematic for me when I went to a mostly white, liberal (read ‘very earnest and sincere’) college in New England, where insults are viewed as insulting, but that’s another story.

One example of an insult as an expression of deep affection was after our ‘uncle’ Sonny died. When I discussed it with my Mom, worried that Sonny might not have made it to heaven (he dressed up and came to church every Sunday, but he usually sat on the front steps smoking during the service), Mom laughed, “I keep seeing him waiting when we walk into heaven and hearing him say, ‘Aw! Now who let YOU in here!?” (Translation: I’m SO happy to see you, get over here and give me a big hug!)

This brings up ‘capping’ and ‘Yo Momma’ jokes. Capping involves trading insults with one or more people. The goal is to 'cap' the other persons joke with an even better one. One of the classic forms of capping is the ‘Yo Momma’ joke. It’s acceptable to dis (disrespect) on how fat, dark, poor or stupid she is. It sounds terrible in the abstract, but in person it’s an art form.

What brings this up is that yesterday I found a “Yo Momma” app that’s just one “Yo Momma” joke after another. Yup, there’s an app for that. Of course, I called my brother and sister right away. No one else would know to laugh when I said, “Yo Momma so stupid she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.” I told OTRbro about it and rattled off a couple of the jokes. He came back with, “Yo Momma’s so fat, she got on the Greyhound and popped a wheelie.”

I told Jrex about this over dinner. He’d never heard of the ‘Yo Momma’ joke, but he gets wit and sarcasm, so he found some of them funny, too. Here are a couple that cracked me up last night:

Yo Momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.

Yo Momma so dumb, she thinks socialism means partying!

Yo Momma so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said “I CAN’T FIX THAT!”

Yo Momma so fat her BMI is measured in acres.

Yo Momma’s house is so small, the cockroaches are hunchbacked.

Yo Momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks.

Yo Momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it says “One at a time please.”

=========
Of course, on a sociological level, it’s interesting that one of the other forms of capping goes the other way with “My Daddy” comments. “My Daddy can beat up your Daddy” is the classic little child taunt. It gets more refined with “My Daddy so tough, he picks his teeth with a nail” or other variants.

Interesting in a neighborhood where very few of the kids had a Daddy at home that they’d pull out a fantasy Dad to one-up each other while insulting each others’ mothers.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2011-02-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

Well, the time I'd normally spend blogging and reading blogs has been filled with looking at cars, or looking at houses in Dallas or Portland. We can't decide on a car and haven't yet determined a city.

Jrex wrote back to each institution with the changes he'd like to see in their Letter of Intent (LOI). He's still waiting for the response from Portland (the guy there is SUPER nice, but tends more toward benign neglect. Though, to be fair, Jrex asked for a third option for lab space and that takes a bit of work to figure out what's available.). The woman who's the director in Texas is PUSHY. Really, really nice, but the kind of nice that a mother can be where you want to tell her to just back off. She knows that we're waiting to hear back from Portland before we make a decision. We both want to live in Portland, it's all dependent on whether they can meet Jrex's requests. My prayer is that it would be clear either way: they hit a slam dunk and we both feel peaceful about picking the big P, or they flub it and we can take that as a sign that it's a move south.

I've been researching the neighborhood we liked in Dallas (trying to build up emotional padding in case that's where I end up). The local public elementary school sounds really cool. It's mostly Hispanic kids, but it has an active PTA. In the past few years they've raised over $100,000 for arts in the elementary school. Dance, orchestra, sculpture, art class, and individual music lessons, all available for K-6. In addition, the PTA welcomes parents who don't even have kids in the school. They set up baby play dates and Mom outings. So, we could potentially tap into a great network there (which is a small bit of comfort if I don't get to tap into family...)

There's also a great fair trade store. Plus folks in that neighborhood started A Better Block. They took over a section of a busy street for one day. Using borrowed trees and shrubs from landscapers, they terraformed a block with bike lanes, turn lanes and trees on the sidewalk. Along the edges they put café tables and chairs and brought in bike stands. As a result, stores did more business and visitors were happily surprised by a part of town they thought of as 'blighted'. It's a movement that's been spreading around the country: a way for urban visionaries (and rebels) to share their dream and get others to buy into it.

It's hard to stay invested in work at work when all I want to do is surf the web and research each city. Ah well, the future will come fast enough without me trying to drag it here sooner with my fretting.

Help! Need CAR advice asap.

2011-02-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

The mighty Subaru has died. (moment of silence, please)

It overheated and Jrex had to get it towed to the mechanic. The bad news came back today: either the head gasket blew (again. $3500 the last time to fix it...) or the engine block is cracked. We'd decided that anything over $1000 on our beloved '99 Outback would signal the end.

Thus (swelling orchestral music), The End.

Sooo.... we need a second car AND we're moving this summer. Don't yet know if we need a cozy car for a land of rain and mountains or a breezy vehicle with tons of A/C for a HOT desert environment. AWD? Not so much need for it in Dallas? Portland: it would help. Kid factor? Hopefully, but definitely no need for a mini-van at this stage. Our biggest need in either case would be great gas mileage. We'd prefer something that can handle mild off-roading to get to a trailhead. Room to tote furniture or plywood (any homeowner knows the need for hauling capabilities...). Stick shift is fine.

As you may recall, we bought a used '95 Civic from a friend a couple months ago, but haven't decided yet if we bring her for the move or let her retire in sunny California. Ideally this second car would be the one we can drive cross country and use in our new lives.

What do you recommend? We'd prefer to buy used and not spend more than $15,000 (preferably less). I've looked at craigslist. Any other sites people have used and loved?

Edited to add

2011-01-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, while Warm Efficiency and I were having lunch, I got two texts from my sister. She read my previous post as if Jrex didn't count himself part of my family. Being a space cadet, I couldn't even remember what I'd written so I looked up the blog on my phone. Warm Efficiency was curious about the blog, so I showed her.

She objected to the question about bulemia. "I never would have asked something like that!" She's right. I was trying to think of a question she might have asked. While I was often surprised by the questions, she would not have been that indelicate or rude. Mea culpa!

As for OTRsis, I just meant that while being close to my family is a deciding element for me, when he considered his list, he didn't need to consider what would matter for me. Of course he enjoys our family, but it's bonus, not 'essential'.

Our weighted list exercise? We both ended up with Dallas marginally ahead, but then started trying to figure out ways to make Portland work. In the end, it's a tough, tough decision and there's no clear cut winner.

On the other hand, we're in an amazing position just in having two strong options. He won't lose in either place. Sure, the lab work in Portland would be more challenging, and hiking around Dallas sounds depressing, but in either case, we'll have a good life in either place. Thanks for caring about the journey. I'm tired of thinking about it, so I wonder if you're tired of hearing about it!

Heading North

2011-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

No, we haven't made a decision yet, I'm just heading up to SF to see one of my college buds. Let's call her Warm Efficiency. She is a petite Indian woman and was one of my best friends in school. Leading by example, she taught me that most people like to answer questions, even if they jump the 'don't intrude' wall I had back then. Sitting with a gay Republican in our crazy liberal college she asked, "When did you know you were gay?" Chatting with a friend who's part of a bulemia support group, "What do you feel like after you purge?" With me, "I hear everything you're saying to me, but have you told him that?" The power of the question. It's one of my biggest life lessons.

Anyway, I'm excited to have lunch with her. Two years ago, we did an afternoon with each of our husbands and her two children, but since then we've just met each other for lunch. There's too much to talk about to dilute it with extra people!

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Without having read my last blog entry, Jrex told me to have fun and do what I want with the bonus money. Yeah! Might have to swing by Zahara and H&M in the city today...

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Our retreat night is OFF. I couldn't get anyone to run up there with a check in hand to physically sign a contract on Friday. Who doesn't take info over the phone! Sheesh. We're going to hang out for the day next Friday at Only Child's house instead. No overnight, but no expenses either. Works for me.

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Jrex is back from Portland. We're hoping to do a weighted list tonight. One of my coworkers told me about this. Picture a spread sheet. In the left hand column A you list everything that is important to you in a city. Then you assign each item a percentage number: the total has to add up to 100%. In column B, you put Portland, Column D gets Dallas. Then you go down the list and give each city a 1-5 rank. 1 is 'does not apply', 5 is 'has that characteristic in full measure!' In Columns C and E you multiply the rank by the percentage point for each city. Then you add it up and whichever city gets the most points wins.

We're thinking that he'll do a list where he just thinks of his needs and I do one that's just about mine (like I won't rank the quality of research and he won't rank access to my family). It's a way to neutralize the discussion and help us both get at our deeper dreams and needs.

Good times, right?

The rest of the story

2011-01-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

Thought you might like a glimpse into the what's happening aside from The Big Move.

Yesterday was my work review. They "love having me in this position. Lots of wonderful feedback." Got a bonus check. Jrex and I have had lots of money discussions about my tendency to think of what I earn as 'mine' and what he earns as 'ours' (true). Dumped check in 'my' savings account so we can discuss what to do with it when he gets back. (Resist urge to run out and go clothes shopping)
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In the past two weeks have had tons of emails, phone calls, text messages and chats with my friends and a retreat center to try to set up a SINGLE overnight with only four women. I could organize an event for 5,000 with less effort. Too many alpha women... I think I've managed to set it up, but sheesh.
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I've started seeing a spiritual director. We've only had a single session, but even that was good. It's similar to counseling, but the goal is not for her to give me advice, rather it's for her to be a companion with me in listening for what God is doing in my circumstances and in me. Given all the transition in life right now, it feels really good to take time every other week to look around and evaluate my life.

The other bonus is that she's Asian. When Jrex and I have tried couples counseling it's been with white guys. The first one was wonderful, but there's a degree of explaining and understanding we had to do so they could understand some cultural stuff. For example, I can remember when Jrex and I were dating and he'd talk about parental pressure. "Sure, I get it!" I'd answer. Well, it was only after a couple years of constant conversations with his Mom and Dad about babies: when, how, what, are you? when, how, what, are you? when how what. Now! Do it. Go. When, how, what, what's taking so long? What's wrong with my children?! when how what... It took experiencing their relentless focus to understand and go, "Oh, PRESSURE. I thought you meant the way my parents asked me a few times if I'd done my homework. I had no idea what pressure really looked like." Anyway, it's convenient to be able to spend less time explaining some of the cultural background and cut to the deeper emotions.
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Trying to set up a spring break long-weekend down to Joshua Tree with my climbing partners. We're going to put our top-rope anchoring training to good use.
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We made the strategic error of adding Battlestar Galactica to our NetFlix cue. The miniseries arrived on Monday. By Tuesday night at 10:30 pm we still had one more episode to watch. I made Jrex stop and go pack for his Portland trip. Then at 11 pm (we had to scoot out the door at 7 AM the next day), he hits play for the final episode! This could occupy way too much of our free time.
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Jrex and I are both rooting for Portland, but we chatted this morning and it's definitely not a slam dunk. More money than Texas, but in order to get a lab space with windows, Jrex would be in a building at the bottom of the hill. He'd have to take a tram to get up to the mouse facility and most of the core equipment. There are experiments where he extracts stem cells from cancer tumors and has only a certain amount of time to get them reinserted into mice. Factor in 10 minutes of travel time at either end of that experiment and it gets challenging. He's wandering around by himself today to do some hiking and thinking. It's tough that the choice seems to be between life outside work and career (in Dallas he'd share lab space with the founder of lung cancer research...).
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If you want a glimpse into his life in lab that will make you laugh (and cry!), check out this video parody of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance: Zheng Lab's Bad Project (click here).

Pick a town, any town

2011-01-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

(sung badly to the tune of "Oh Holy Night")

Oh neglected blog,
How long ere I have been here
It is a day to post something new.

A ne-ew post is gladly forthcoming
for yonder sits a new and glorious life
Where, oh where
will we live this summer? The answer comes
but not for us today... Oh where?
Where will we live?

========

The second trip to Dallas (third for James) was good. We explored an area called Oak Cliff south of the Trinity River. It's much grungier and more eclectic than Dallas proper. I don't have a better word for most of Dallas than 'sparkly' and I'm NOT a sparkly person, so I've just felt like I couldn't see myself there. Oak Cliff is definitely not sparkly. There's an area called Bishop Arts District that's full of funky little art shops, coffee houses and the best Mexican breakfast/lunch place ever. We had brunch there the day we flew home. I was able to order Mexican hot chocolate (not listed on the menu, but they were happy to make it for me) and Jrex had a veggie omelette with chorizo on the side. FANTASTIC. Looking at the people in the restaurant we saw workers in paint smattered overalls, a gay couple, a lesbian couple with their adopted child (or a very sweet biracial child they were babysitting...), two wealthy Hispanic groups, an older well-dressed African-American couple and a lots of other family groups. We both took a deep breath and thought, yeah, we could live here.

Poor Mom K, she'll never get the impressive home she'd prefer for us. We have friends in Dallas who bought a HUGE 5-bedroom house in North Dallas with a pool for $450,000. We're just not drawn to that style of life. Personally, I look at all that and think about having to keep it clean. I'm too lazy to own a big house with a big lawn.

Jrex got his preliminary written offer from S0uthwestern. He's going to have to counter them (no fun, but necessary). At the end of this week he's going to Portland by himself to evaluate the equipment and see what their written offer looks like. The director there said he'd get an offer he couldn't refuse. We'll see.

On a personal level, no matter how much better Dallas seems each time I visit, there are lots of reasons I'd prefer Portland. For Jrex, it's similar. The appeal of mountains and the outdoors is very strong for both of us. (All thoughts of family and OTRmama and her daughter aside) It's good to know that if Jrex picks Portland it won't be just for my sake (since that could lead to what-ifs and regret--which neither of us want for the other). On the other hand, if we pick Dallas, it's good to know that I could get excited about the little slice of Austin/Baltimore/San Francisco that we seem to have found.

Then vs. Now

2011-01-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog I was working in Baltimore. The company was small, our clients were relatively intimate. The job itself probably took 60% of my time at work and rarely delved into my time outside work. I had tons of time and energy to invest in real world and blog relationships.

This job? Sheesh. I'm surprised to discover that being in a management position has drained any desire to connect with people outside of work. I'm tapped out. I've heard all the sob stories, interacted with all the people I can handle and want to come home and shut down. (Fortunately I still like Jrex and he's relaxing to be with at the end of the day, so that works out.) I don't like this work-only focus AT ALL.

I hate that when a friend texts me to join her in bringing dinner over to another friend, it feels like a drain. I miss reading blogs. I miss catching up on Facebook. I hate that working with the junior high girls feels like a HUGE sacrifice because it means I don't get to recharge during church, instead it's more people and more interactions and more drain. I don't like being consumed by work. This feels like a waste of my life. I liked who I could be in Baltimore where who I was outside of my job meant far more than who I was at work.

Jrex is interviewing in NYC tomorrow. In many ways I'd love to live in NYC, but if it means continuing on this same sort of 'career' path, it doesn't feel worth it. We'll see what happens (and obviously, there are other jobs I could do in New York! It would be fun to see what else is out there). He has verbal offers from the other two possibilities and I don't know if the job in NY is as ready to get an offer out the door. In two weeks we head back to Dallas and then he's hoping to head to Portland the week after that. Perhaps by the end of February we'll know what's next.

Hmm...maybe it's more than just my job that's draining. This is a lot of 'what if' to carry around in my head.

The point of this post is that I miss you all! Though you certainly won't know it as my silence stretches on and on...

The smattering of news (Happy New Year!)

2011-01-01T16:10:00.001-08:00

We're home and vegging very happily. I love our New Year's Day food tradition: Korean dumpling soup in the morning, Pork & Saurkraut (via the crockpot) for dinner. Since I don't have that many specifically German traditions, having something my Mom made, that's definitely German, makes this feel like a truly bi-cultural day. Normally anything 'cultural' is Korean with the default 'norm' being muddled American culture (i.e., neither of us know for sure where it comes from, it's just there).

Christmas with my family was great. I love playing with my niece and nephew ("Let's play 'cat'. My name is Emmett and I'm very cute...Meow!"). I bought my niece a headband making set and we had a great time with her art-directing while I assembled. For my nephew I bought a rocket that rumbles and counts down from 5 to 0 when you pull a string. He carried it everywhere. One morning, I asked each of them what they think about when they go to sleep. Blonde Niece thought a minute, "Hmm...princesses and castles." My nephew piped up, "My rocket!"

My sister is a phenomenal woman. She casually whipped together a massive "Thanksgiving" dinner for Christmas Eve (my brother and Dad were out of town for Thanksgiving so they asked for turkey and the rest of the traditional food). When I mentioned that I should learn to crochet eventually, she pulled me over and taught me on the spot. We even visited a yarn store so I could continue my new addiction at home. I'm currently making a pair of gray "gauntlets" to match the FABULOUS hat that she'd made for me. It even has little ears on top so I look like a fashionista mouse. Love it. I've had at least 5 people comment on it (favorably) since coming back home.

Dad is settling in to life in Seattle. He's got a cozy little apartment not far from my brother and sister. He's still hunting for a church and working on connecting with people, it's really tough to walk away from 35 years of connections and venture to a new place so far away. I respect him immensely for being willing to pull up his roots and attempt the transplant. As in all things, it will take time to figure out the new life and where he fits in with my brother and sister's worlds (and where he creates his own).

Last night we discussed our highs and lows from 2010. Obviously for Jrex, getting his paper published was a huge high. He couldn't think of a specific low. He joked, "See, I'm becoming an optimist!" I rolled my eyes at him and he cackled in response (yes! Cackled. Bad boy that he is.) Overall the year has felt good, contented and good, but I couldn't really think of a specific high. "I know I'm supposed to say it was my promotion, but I don't really care that much about it. It was just a way to make something happen if I had to be in the same job for another year. For a low, our recent discussions of finances and how we're different from each other have been hard." Maybe he's becoming the bright side guy and I'm becoming the doom and gloom person!

Our toast (as we drank a Spanish 'Goliardo' 'Loureiro 2007' wine that was surprisingly good), "May the coming year be also filled with surprisingly satisfactory experiences. May we find rest in the midst of transition and may we enjoy it all with gusto!"

Anyone else have highs/lows from 2010 to share? Or toasts for the coming year?

Link Love: I am Korean American

2010-12-24T06:29:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with Christmas Eve. We woke up early and are preparing to jump on the plane. Of course, I HAD to give myself a 5 AM pedicure (there is no good reason for this...)

So, I'm trolling the web looking for distraction as my polish dries, and I come across this video. Powerful, eloquent. His story is not exactly that of Jrex, but there are interesting parallels. What does it mean to be the child of an immigrant? What does it mean to survive parents who have survived atrocities? What does it mean to deal with conflict when it's been expressed in uncontrolled ways? No one in Jrex's family was ever hit with fists, but there was still rage in his father. Anyway, if you want something besides Christmas-themes, hit play:

[Sorry! Apparently the embedded video didn't work. I had Jrex watch it with me via the site I Am Koream. He found the guy fairly irritating. Rather than a discussion of Jrex's experience, it became an evaluation of the speakers prose/poem and how much was left out of the narrative. Still an interesting talk, but different than I anticipated. That's all part of what I enjoy about Jrex, he usually surprises me.)

Going to find some winter

2010-12-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday and today I've been "working" from home. I've done a couple small things, but watching movies with the computer open (in case I get an email) hardly counts, right? It makes it feel like a real Christmas break. Next week our office is shutting down and we're all taking it seriously: no one wants to see or hear from each other during the time off.

Tonight Jrex and I will drop off Muttola at our friends' house (where she'll play with their Welsh Corgi, Stubby, for a week). We watched Stubby for two weeks while they went to Ireland for a 'babymoon'. The dogs are HILARIOUS together.

Wrestling, competing, playing silly/petty games.

You can see the look in Muttola's eye, "You're MY human, not his. Got it?"

Then tomorrow, we fly to Seattle! My Dad has moved there so it'll be the first Body Part family Christmas since I don't know when. My sister is hosting and we'll be staying in her house. I've gone for mini-visits, but Jrex hasn't been able to visit since Blonde Nephew was born 3.5 years ago! It'll be fun to watch Jrex get to know the kids. Fun to juggle all the BIG personalities in one room (well, fun for us Body Part people, maybe less fun for Jrex and History Prof). Fun to hit a Seattle wine bar, run around outside, play inside, go to the zoo, do whatever. I like my people and it'll be good to be together. Plus, this way my sister gets some backup against the barbarian half of the family (yes, Dad, I'm talking about you boys). Jrex and I might even make a dinner one of the nights. Mmmm...tofu chocolate pudding and whatever else.

When we get back next Wednesday, he's taking the rest of the weekend off to chill out. We're hoping to take one day and get up to SF for a couple art exhibits and a visit to Terroir, a fairly grungy wine bar with a sophisticated/eclectic selection of wines. There's a chi-chi dinner truck that parks across the way and serves French/Vietnamese fusion so it's a little cheaper than some wine bars. Plus, I'm a cheap date since I just take sips from his glass (I get tipsy WAY too fast to have my own).

Somewhere in there I get to do the Christmas/Epiphany letter and ship it out. That'll be a little tricky cause I'd prefer to tell a complete story and right now we're in the middle of the drama. Wouldn't it read better if it could say, "Jrex published his paper, won a grant and got a job. We're moving to ________ and here's a picture of our new digs". Instead it's half of a great story that ends with, "And we're deciding between Portland, NYC and Dallas. Sure you can all see us in Portland, or NYC, but we might end up in Dallas. Which isn't as bad as we'd feared. But we don't know yet. So, have a great year and we'll let you know what happens!" Ah well, life is full of tattered threads that have yet to be incorporated in the great Rug of Life (how's THAT for cliché? Don't mock it, I'm proud of it)...

I'm just so, so happy to take some time off and relax with many of the people I love most in the world. May your time in the coming week be also blessed, fun and somehow restful.

I'm the bitch, Round 2

2010-12-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

One of the 'perks' of managing others is that there are times to be kind and times where kindness won't work.

I didn't have time to write about it when it happened, but during the madness of the last conference I worked on, I had to fire one of the contractors. He kept making mistakes and worked very slowly. I can do semi-slow and meticulous, but slow with mistakes wasn't ok given how much signage we'd be generating in the two subsequent weeks. I learned a long time ago from my mother (when she consulted me on how to say 'no' to someone who loved me), "Don't give false hope, it's the cruelest way because it makes the emotions linger." When I fired the contractor, I tried to blame it all on the fact that it wasn't a good fit. We have fast-flowing chaos and he seems like a designer who needs quiet order. I didn't promise him future work and I didn't give him another chance (I didn't have time, and based on what I'd seen, if he were under more pressure, he'd just make more mistakes). It wasn't fun, I was shaking a little when I asked him to step into an empty office, but I was able to be firm and clear and not give false hope. I'd written out my script to make sure I'd be clear. I didn't have it with me in the room, but it helped to know ahead of time what I should say. He was obviously upset and shocked, but took it very professionally. I really respected his attitude (and conveyed that to the placement agency).

Last Friday, I got to have another round of being the hard-ass manager. We're working on a response for a client (R F P) that's due right after Christmas. During the madhouse of the last conference, one of the designers I hired was assigned to work over on the execut1ves' side of the building and do Powerpoints and presentations for them. They loved his work on an earlier R F P (let's call him Tall and Earnest). When this new R F P came through, the execs specifically asked for Tall and Earnest. He's been working on it for the past week and a half.

Friday evening, Tall and Earnest had already gone home when the door to the design studio burst open and Short Fiery exec burst into the room along with our Gala Guru. Short Fiery exclaimed, "Is Tall and Earnest still here?" And my 'no' she said, "You've got to call him. He put the entire book of the last R F P we worked on on his website!! Doesn't he understand that it belongs to us not him? That's got sensitive pricing on it. What the f___ was he thinking?! I just got called by a prospective employee who'd Googled the event and started talking to me about our fun ideas. WTF!!??"

I called him and he agreed to take it down. Then Short Fiery went on, "You have to get this to him in writing. He signed a non-d1sclosure agreement, he obviously doesn't have a clue what that means."

I defended him by pointing out that he's young and excited, but that I'd email him. I sent him an email that included phrases like, "I can't tell you how violated this made us feel". Unfortunately for him, he's responded since in ways that are both very arrogant and very young. He wrote back to me to say, "I took it down. I'm sorry about that. I didn't think it was that big a deal." Um, yeah, obviously! Not an effective apology to your employer... A little while later he asked if he should apologize to Short Fiery and Gala Guru. I wrote back to say, "Yes. You need to say that you're sorry, you were excited about your design, you made a grievous mistake and it won't happen again. Do NOT say you didn't think it was a big deal."

When he came in on Monday we discussed it further and he had the audacity to say, "Well, if I'm not able to use what I make here to further my career, then I might need to go with other offers."

He's a good fit for what we're doing right now and I don't want the hassle of bringing someone else up to speed right aro, but again, NOT a good answer. It felt so arrogant. I spoke about the situation with one of our long-time freelancers who was horrified, "Does he not know that he could get sued!? Does he also not know not to piss off the big fish? And you all are definitely big fish. His whole job is to keep you happy." Turns out this second freelancer doesn't use ANYTHING he creates for his clients. His business is all word of mouth, he doesn't even have a website since he can't show most of his work. Once a booth or conference is produced, all that work is then in the public domain, but any proposed work can never be shown.

Last night, my Dad also weighed in, "This kid really needs to have a chat with a lawyer. He has no idea how deep the water is does he?" Honestly, I hadn't even thought about the legal issue until both the second freelancer AND my Dad thought about it as their first reaction. I realized I needed to make sure Tall and Earnest understood the situation.

On a side note, I have to say that one of the fun things about this job has been discussing it all with my Dad. He's more of a Mr. Fixit than a Mr. Empathy, so when I'm pouring out my emotional troubles it doesn't always work as well, but anything business related, he's great. He graduated from Harvard with a focus on contract law and worked for an international corporation as their Employee Relations Manager. Management, business and the law? He's great.

Anyway, I just sent off an email to Tall and Earnest explaining the situation. Telling him that I understand learning curves, but trying to fill him in so he can learn from the mistake and not just think it's me being a b1tch or our company being parano1d. Sil1con Vall3y/San Franc1sco are small worlds, all the companies overlap, everyone is working on something cutting-edge and secret. If you're not discreet, you won't have work. I don't think he realized that.

I don't like having to be the mean Boss Lady, but I'm really grateful for my years working with messed up kids. I had to learn there how to be the villain in the piece and how to shrug off the toxicity and keep loving them after. I hope it doesn't make me a callous manager, but I'm glad I'm not afraid to do the hard, but necessary, tasks.

Gratitude Project #3

2010-12-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

I am very thankful today:

for being home safely
that I took today as a comp day. It was especially good to know that last nightwhile announcements that our plane was delayed kept coming at the airport. Only left 3 hours late (due to fog in SF).
for the interesting woman who struck up a conversation with me in the airport. She was an African-American woman who looked at most 42 and proudly announced she was 51. She kept trying to ask me questions about our diet, if we get massages, what we do to stay healthy (since my obviously Asian husband was next to me, my impression was that she was asking about Asian secrets to health and long life. I've had Caucasian friends ask me if my MIL has taken me for special Korean facials. Anyone else know any Asian longevity secrets? I sure don't!) She certainly helped pass the time.
that Dallas is a really intriguing city (since Jrex glows every time he talks about the research there...)
for a future that is unknown, seems like it will contain some unexpected twists, but which will still be interesting.
that I get to go toward that future with a man I enjoy and respect.
that a bunch of women whom I really enjoy are coming over tonight for tea and biscuits.

Promises promises...

2010-12-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

This is why I've never tried to do any blog program that would require me to write every day: I just can't be consistent on a daily basis! It's the same principle as my cleaning program: clean when company is coming over but the rest of the time, not so much.

ANY way. We're in Dallas. Jrex is in the room doing research for his 2nd round of interviews tomorrow at S0uthw3st3rn. I came up to the executive business center to print our boarding passes and then started jonesing for a fix of the blogosphere.

This is going to be a tough decision. The good news is that Dallas isn't so bad. It's a big city with lots of amenities. Tons of art museums and festivals. Lots of friendly people, great restaurants and things to do. We'd even have some built in community via Jrex's friends from Hopk1ns. Last night we had dinner with the wife of a guy who used to be in Jrex's lab. He was out of town visiting Stanford while we were here with his wife. Ironic. She's a petite, fiesty woman who works remotely and has only made one friend in the five years she's lived here. (That made me nervous if I work from home, but she's much more of a hermit than I tend to be.) Originally from the NYC area she could compare things to areas in terms we could understand, "They have a neighborhood they call the 'West Village', but that's a joke compared to the real thing." Jrex chimes in, "Yeah, but the West Village doesn't even measure up to its own reputation anymore." She's someone I could call to go out to see weird independent movies, or to go for a hike or for food (since she's married to a scientist, she's also a 'married single' woman, like me).

We drove around with the realtor for a couple hours both yesterday and today. I'd picked a wide range of properties around the city. It gave us a good sense of neighborhoods and what we might like. It also showed us that we'll likely pay as much here as we would for a house in Portland. It would probably be a bit bigger (it IS Texas after all), but not much cheaper. Somehow we thought we'd find an amazing bargain house here, but the ones in that price range were SCARY. Apparently the soil here is sandy clay or something and houses can settle in very twisted ways. If you don't consistently water the soil around your house (yes, you have to water your HOUSE) then the difference between wet and dry spells is so extreme that the ground expands and contracts and ruins foundations. So some of the houses had floors where you could put a ball on the floor and watch it roll downhill. None of the homes have basements.

When I heard that I exclaimed, "Oh, so they must not have tornadoes here!" The realtor laughed, "No. I guess you're supposed to hide in your bathtub." I responded, "That sounds the same as what they tell you for earthquakes in California. I think they just say that so you'll think you have a plan."

We went to church this morning. I wanted to get a feel for Christian community here and to have some time to try to tune in to whatever the Lord might want to say. It was a good time. Via the internet I found a young, hipster church that meets in a warehouse in an inner city area. It's not 'it' for me in terms of a church, but it was fine. I was able to hear some stuff from God and that was great. I asked him, "Where do you want us to be?" and the first thought that jumped into my mind after I asked was, "With me." It felt like the Lord's humor (and direction) to me. I sort of got the sense that He has good things in store for us wherever we end up. When I told that to Jrex, he nodded. I think he's had the same sense.

That leaves us in a good, but tough place. Neither option is the be-all-end-all, neither is a home run, but neither is awful either. I guess it will come down to whichever institution makes the better offer. In January he goes back to NYC alone for a second interview there. We keep joking that NY will be the dark horse that comes from behind, but it's really a long shot. The good news for me is that I'm not in despair or afraid that Dallas would be a prison exile for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow we're having breakfast with the head of the program (at 7 AM. Uncivilized medicine people wake up at the crack of dawn and think that's normal!). Then she'll drive Jrex over to do a day of interviews while I drive around and check out the climbing gym and see if I can find cheap cowgirl boots for my sister.

That's all for now, y'all!

Thanks, Day 2

2010-12-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

For a job that includes being able to see St3v1e W0nder in concert. I'd expected a VERY boring recap of his greatest hits. Instead he improvised with the audience, with his other singers and, for the last couple of songs, with w1ll.1.am from The B1ack Ey3d P3as.
For listening to the nudge that told me if I wimped out and took the 10:40 train home from SF I'd regret it. I stayed for some amazing DJ artistry by w1ll. Then I took the midnight train to Menl0... (cue music)
For a chat with a coworker (a native Californian) who is married to a guy from the Northwest. She just moved to Texas and gave me her thoughts on moving to Texas. (Lots of friendly people, no regrets)
That Jrex turned in his list. Phew! I'm so proud of him
For today, where instead of sitting at a desk and working, I get to go to IK3A to buy frames for a poster I designed. Then I get to drive them up to SF where I will load the posters into the frames in preparation for them being given to our clients as gifts tomorrow.
For a walkthrough of the conference with another client which will end with a keyn0te by B1ll Cl1nt0n.

Talk about a non-work work day! I'll TAKE it!

Time to purge

2010-12-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a great deal about negativity and complaining. I do think there's a difference between venting and whining, but I'm not sure where the line is and know that I cross it. There's also a difference between analyzing and criticizing, but the line is also hard to find. Lovey and I talked about giving up complaining for Advent (the four weeks leading up to Christmas). Yesterday during church I realized it wasn't so much about giving up complaining as replacing it with thanksgiving. I'm thinking of it as my pre-Christmas spiritual 'cleanse'. Each day between now and Christmas (or maybe Epiphany), I'm going to post things for which I'm grateful. Might be a bit boring for you, but it's definitely necessary for me!

For today (so far):

That I brought my computer home on Friday. Which meant that this morning when I realized NO ONE will be in the office (this year's huge conference opens today so everyone is on-site), I could decide to work from home and change back into my slouchy clothes.
For a comfortable apartment that gets morning sun.
For a very cute mutt lounging in the sun spot.
That Jrex is submitting his list to P0rtland today. He had to get estimates for microscope systems that cost @ $100,000 and other similar kinds of equipment. Yikes!
For my new porn addiction. House porn. The Dallas realtor is supplying me listings and I get to troll around, fantasize about life in each house and pick my favorites.

Just figured out the perfect way to fight

2010-12-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

During the past couple weeks I've known something was bothering Jrex. I tried to draw him out and find out what was going on, but he wasn't yet ready to discuss it. We finally made an appointment to "talk". A couple days before our impending chat I was praying before work when I had a thought: let him say everything that's bothering him while I take notes (and write my counter arguments in the margins). Then, I'll process what he says and write him a letter in response. That removes the risk of confrontation for him and gives me time to give a considered response. Too often our discussions get derailed when one of us hits the other's trigger point. I told him the format ahead of time so that he would know he didn't need to be geared for battle.

Last night we had our 'discussion'. Yes, there were a bunch of things bothering him, but somehow taking notes distracted me enough to hear without personalizing the whole thing. By the end we both felt reconnected and happy with each other.

I still have to write out my response, but it was definitely the most pleasant fight I've ever had!

The CalyDo List

2010-11-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

Knowing we're moving, I'm making a list of things I want to do before we leave. We've already done many of the things that were on my original list (see redwoods, ski Tahoe, visit Yosemite, see the Sierra Nevada and Sequoia National Park, hike Joshua Tree, stay in Mendicino, visit Pt. Reyes, explore San Francisco, let the dog play in the ocean, climb outside, hike the headlands north of Golden Gate bridge, visit Vancouver/Whistler, wine tasting in Napa/Senoma/Anderson Valley and visit California Academy of Science & Monterey Aquarium).

My current list:

Hike Mt. Diablo and explore the town of Walnut Creek (day trip)
Camp at San Sebastian State Park and do tours of Hearst Castle (weekend trip)
Visit the Frank Lloyd Wright Honeycomb house on Stanford campus (only open once a month)
Visit the Linear Accelerator at Stanford (Tuesday morning tours)
Check out Bill Johnson's church in Redding California (day/weekend trip)
Climb at Joshua Tree (3-4 day trip)
See the Impressionist exhibit at the de Young (afternoon)
Backpack Kings Canyon (4-6 days)
Visit the Disney museum in San Francisco (afternoon)
See the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum in San Jose (day trip)
Go out to Farallon Islands to see birds (and great white sharks...)?

In terms of other items to add to the list, I've offered to give a friend from church a ride to the airport. He made an offer that gave me something wonderful to check off my list. Something I hadn't considered even attempting, but once he offered, it was a definite 'check!'.

Would I want to join him at Google for dinner? (he invited me to bring another guest as well, so James will try to come with us)

For those of you not privvy to Silicon Valley's quirks, Google provides gourmet meals in four or five different cafeterias on their campus. Just seeing the Google campus is worth it, but dinner there is a definite bonus.

Can any of you think of something I'm missing from my list?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T19:55:00.001-08:00

As mentioned before, one of the first things I did after my promotion was run out and buy a smart phone (Droid X on Verizon). I think Jrex hates it already, but it's been great to have all my organizational tools at my fingertips. In order to spread the joy (to the ten of you with smart phones...), here are my favorite apps:

Easy Money. Jrex and I have very, very deep differences in how we spend money, but also in how we track it. We solved many of our fights by separating our accounts a bit. I now control my own mini-empire (tithes, my spending, haircuts and train) while he's in charge of our main account (since he saves and I spend, that seemed the wisest course of action). In my little world, I was writing down how much I spent in a tiny notebook that I tucked into my wallet (in his world it's an intense Excel spreadsheet that makes my eyes glaze over; it impresses our mathy friends though!). Of course, I never added up my scribbles and when I did, it was just to discover that I was broke (or worse). Enter a phone app that does the math for me. It's not uber-sophisticated, but it's perfect for my needs.

Retro Camera: This app gives me five old-school "cameras" that let me take pictures like these...

Our funny little mutt likes to have a vegetarian course during her walks. This is one of her favorite weeds which she proceeds to strip down to the stem.

Google Sky: Allows me to use my phone to identify the stars that are above me (uses GPS data to give me exact sky configuration depending on day of year and location).

Urban Spoon: Because it's fun to be able to shake my phone and get a slot machine 'answer' to the question, "Where do we want to go eat?"

And of course, because I AM a geek, Angry Birds. The pigs have stolen the eggs, now we will waste countless hours of our lives (Jrex likes it, too) lobbing birds via slingshots. Sounds simple, but it's evil and addictive.

Any apps I'm missing? What's your favorite phone time waster?

Ironies abound

2010-11-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

I wrote Saturday's update and felt so empowered and excited, but then...

I woke up.

One of my friends just told me she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her, but... it's just a reminder of an arena in our lives that has NOT been easy. As I told Jrex on Saturday night when we hung out and chatted, "Hope is the most difficult emotion." On Sunday morning, I was totally out of sorts. Then figuring out how much we owed in tithe given my raise led to a money talk. Let's just say that money and baby-land are our two most emotionally charged topics. It didn't go well. By the time I left for church (late), we'd found a relatively peaceful meeting point in the middle, but I was emotionally very thin and close to tears.

At church I've been helping teach the junior high girls. This fall there have only been three teachers. As part of the church's Reducing the Risk (of sexual abuse) policy, there need to be two adults at all times with the children. Combine that with travel and work and I've only been in a church service once in two months. I'm desperate for that time to be with God to cry and process and hear his response. Yesterday was yet another teaching day, so I didn't even have church to help.

On a side note, the funny thing about really studying the Bible with kids is that it's VERY "R-rated". How would YOU define 'debauchery, orgies and the like' (actual Bible verse) to a bunch of protected Christian children?

My one ray of hope was my new small group. A few weeks ago my pastor's wife invited me to join their group. It meets every other Sunday afternoon and is followed by dinner. Most people in the group are couples with children from 3-17. As we studied Psalm 73, I had tears in my eyes. I could feel how completely and utterly empty I was. After the study, we split up into men and women for prayer. First we prayed for one other woman and then they asked if anyone else wanted prayer. Part of me thought about letting someone else have an opportunity, but I knew that I was too desperate for that. It felt great to have a group of mature women surround me and pray for me.

Today I feel sane again. The whirlwind in my head has ebbed to a quiet breeze. This pattern is so familiar. I hit on some big insight and then life smacks me in the face with a test of that very concept. If I keep seeking God in the middle of the smack-around, good things happen. The test was where will I focus my attention. Psalm 73 deals with that very idea. When David envies the wicked he feels embittered and overwhelmed, when he enters the sanctuary, he discovers that God is all he wants. I don't know that I'm at the point where God is all I want, but I'm definitely happy to have some of the clutter between him and me cleared away.

Anyone else dealing with life's ironies? Or having to explain orgies to 13-year olds?

I found out I have super powers today!

2010-11-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

Today at the climbing gym I challenged my climbing partners with this idea, "We've been watching the really good climbers and we've all commented on how they use their feet and not just their arms. Let's climb a couple grades below our regular level and really focus on good foot work."

As I climbed, I looked around to find good foot placement, I twisted my hips to get closer to the wall, extended my foot and used my toes to grip the rock and pull my body up. The part of my brain that was always afraid of bad handholds, or of getting burned out, or of swinging far if I fell got filled instead with a quiet peace as I just looked for footholds. My knees and ankles didn't get tired, I didn't get bruised from banging myself carelessly into the wall. From the ground, my climbing partners said my climbing looked totally different.

I truly felt like I could take on any climb! It was like I'd been using 40% of my capacity and found an extra 30-45% sitting around unused. Somehow the 'engine', the center of my power shifted from my chest (focus on my arms) to my pelvis. I could push past any barrier, creatively solve any problem. For months now I've enjoyed the time with my partners, but not the climbing itself as much. Today I fell in love all over again.

Where else in my life have I not been using my feet?

At work I've been functioning in my own abilities without asking / praying for guidance, wisdom, order or anything. I've been facing the future move with my own wisdom. Trying to CONTROL my way toward getting pregnant. Working furiously until I just can't give anymore. I've got so much more juice than what I'm using! Just look around. Find the small holds and pull up with a centered gravity.

Go!

Do you want cheese with that?

2010-11-19T07:30:00.001-08:00

My sister and I had a really great conversation recently where we talked through her perception that I've become critical, negative and whiny. It was one of those hard/good conversations. The interesting thing to me was how surprised I was. Not that she'd bring it up, but because in most of my circles here, I'm one of the more positive, cheerful, encouraging people. I started to wonder if I'm surrounded by whiners and have adopted the communication pattern as a default.

Two days after the sister talk, our department interviewed a potential creative director. He asked us questions about our department and our company. The list of frustrations and negatives came pouring out. All the 'us' vs. 'them' mentality that the guys in the department have. I've worked on a team where the account exec made EVERY team member sit at the table. She ran a very tight ship, the meetings were over in an hour and a half, but it fostered a team. I tried to counter their perception by talking about that experience, but they kept on going. Then the creative director candidate asked, "What brings you into work each day?"

Crickets...

"A paycheck."

I chimed in, "I like to learn new things and I like fixing things and making things better."

A little later he asked, "What do you like about working for this company?"

Silent stares around the table. I waited.

"Good benefits." "A paycheck." "The people here in the studio."

My two-cents, "Everyone here works very hard. I respect the people in this department and love working with them."

Hmm... I can see why I've become a negative whiner! Anything else is so cross-cultural that I sound like a ditzy Pollyanna.

Decisions, decisions...

2010-11-14T19:45:00.001-08:00

I've been avoiding my blog and the phone because I'm not sure what to say about our Portland trip. On the one hand, it was fun to get away together and explore a new city. It was GREAT to see OTRmama and her daughter (we became friends in preschool and were the reason our Moms became friends). We had three days of sun and only one day of rain (but it was good to get a 'realistic' sense of what Portland feels like in the rain).

Overall? Not a home run. I was really hoping for a mutual "Yes!" and neither of us got it. I know I could make Portland work, but then, gray weather doesn't affect me. Being in a whole city of liberal white people would just feel like being back on my college campus. The small town feel with access to nearby mountains and hiking also reminded me of college life. Housing was much more expensive than we'd anticipated (lessening the 'bang for the buck' we like to have), but much better than San Francisco.

I think that what I'm resisting is this underlying sense (dread?) that Dallas might be where we're 'meant' to be next. I'm so enchanted by the idea of being so close to OTR mama/daughter and my immediate family, who all live in Seattle, that it's been hard to listen to that still, persistent voice underneath it all.

Today I lunched with Artistic Scientist. She grew up in South Texas but is as 'crunchy', artsy, Christian and progressive as I am (we bonded through a love of a local farmers' market). I asked her to give me the scoop on Dallas. Could she see me there? Her evaluation is that if she wasn't in Austin, she could move to Dallas, "It's metropolitan, has great art exhibits and a bustling downtown. For Texas, it's progressive: they have a light rail, bike paths and an 'out' gay community. I think you could find people you'd enjoy. Honestly, people in Texas are much friendlier than people in Silicon Valley. Sure sometimes it can feel like fake Southern friendly, but most of the time it's very genuine. I think you could be happy there and I'm not just saying that."

I'm nervous that we're going to reach a point where I really want Portland and Jrex really wants Dallas. How do you choose? Who 'wins'? My prayer has been that if it's supposed to be Dallas, I would fall in love when we go in December; if Portland, that Jrex would be changed. I dread having to make a decision where one of us would have to face dreadful loss and be bitter with the other. I really am praying that we'll have one mind about this before we move. I have told Jrex that if we end up in Dallas, I'd love part of the deal to be that I don't get grief for flying places to visit my family or to go meet my climbing buddies...

Yikes! This is high stakes.

I'm running a sweat shop

2010-11-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

As I suspected, it's very difficult to be both the manager and the designer. Thus far I've brought in four freelancers in the last week (in addition to the one I found a few weeks ago). I'm talking with a Flash designer about four screen savers we'll need. Even that may not be enough!

It would be one thing if I were just responding to their designs and directing them. That part is FUN (I'm the boss lady and I feel the POWER). One of the designers is GREAT. I've got him working on the other side of the building with the execs and he's doing wonderful work. It still means an hour yesterday and today to look through his work and nudge him in the direction that will make my internal client happy. He responded well though, so we're on track.

I've got layouts I've been trying to get to ALL day. Stuff that I'd normally bang out in 2 hours of focused time is taking me eight. Unfortunately the guy I picked from the pile to be my mini-me is s...l...o...w. It's taken him 6 hours now to lay out one graphic. That's NOT the speed of trade design. We've got 10 of these due by end of tomorrow. How am I going to squeeze out 7 designs tomorrow to make up for his lack o' speed?

Oh well, perhaps if I weren't blogging right now I might get something done? Better than whine for a while than really focus, that's what I always say.

Spoiled Rotten

2010-11-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

As we think of moving next summer, I'm realizing how spoiled I've become. Honestly, when we moved to the Bay area, nestling into our little apartment half-way between San Francisco and San Jose, I resisted falling in love.

Autumn is my favorite time of year and the weather here is always autumn, never summer or winter. Warm days when the sun shines accompanied by cool evenings which mean we never have to put away the down comforter. Locals complain about winter, but it's just a bit of rain with sunny days in-between.

On the east coast, it was EXTREMELY rare to see an Asian / Caucasian couple where the Asian was the male. We'd never seen anyone older than us who fit the pattern until we moved here. In the Bay area, it seems like the default is for a mixed race couple. I'm working with Junior High girls at church. I meet the girls before the parents. As a result, I've had some faux pas where I didn't connect the right kid with the right parent until I saw both parents together. Oops, he's obviously not the parent of the cute, quiet redhead, since he's a tall brunette Caucasian and his wife is a petite Philipina, they must belong to the girl who looks Persian.

With CalTrain running up and down the Peninsula, it's normal for all classes of people to take advantage of public transportation. The bike culture is deeply ingrained here. Sure, it was challenging, but it was totally doable to survive with only one car. I value walkability and having public transport as a viable alternative to driving.

The food culture here has truly corrupted us. Sure it all costs an arm and a leg, but there's a vast array of great food choices. I knew we'd become snobs when we were underwhelmed by Portland's best restaurant (granted, the wait staff seemed flustered to serve a table of 11, so the food may have sat around and dried out). Farmers Markets run year-round, there's a market in each 'town' (aka neighborhood), and most markets take place within sight of the train station.

On a personal level, I LOVE the climbing gym. It's huge, has tons of workout equipment, tall walls laid out by amazing climbers and a great community of other climbers. As a comparison, it's part of a chain of gyms between San Jose and San Francisco. At 40,000 sq. ft., the one I use is the largest of the three. Portland's single climbing gym is 12,500 sq. ft. Dallas has one that is 20,000. Neither are as tall as mine. Having two women to climb alongside is also an amazing joy for me. The fact that we're venturing outside is phenomenal and one of my griefs about leaving.

Of course all of this comes with a price tag. The cost for the weather is the brown hills and the gray-green foliage on the native trees. For housing? "You can't get a $600,ooo fixer upper". Jrex has paid a high price being at Stanf0rd. They are notoriously slow and disorganized unless you're an "It" person. His advisor "Isn't" and Jrex certainly isn't even on their care-about radar.

So, sure, we're ready to move, but as much as I've resisted, I've become accustomed to what we have here. Nothing else will compare. I'm sure there will be compensations, but it's hard to not what THIS with lower housing costs. Surely that's not too much to ask?

Colored Blue

2010-11-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

It's harder to vote in California than anywhere else I've lived. Not the actual voting process (vote by mail, yeah!), but what I'm required to know in order to vote the entire ballot. As an impassioned high school student studying the US Electoral system, I thought I believed in direct democracy. What's this stupid electoral college business?! Power to the people!!

Well, California has it and it's a mess!

Based on reading a few brief paragraphs (with rebuttals printed alongside) and a list of who supports or opposes a measure, I'm supposed to decide whether to legalize pot, continue to support clean energy, fund a project in my neighborhood, allow a simple majority to pass a budget, expand or contract the Congressional Redistricting group (measures in both directions were featured), restrict pensioning for government employees in my neighborhood, allow an $18 surcharge on car renewals to fund state parks... and those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. That's not even touching WHO to vote for!

I hate that when it comes to city council members, I'm literally picking people based on their last names. "Ooh, that sounds Japanese, let's get some diversity into this rich, white board." I vowed to never be that person, but here I am. Sigh.

Anyway, watching Jerry Brown and Meg last night as the results came in, I thought about why he won. Disregarding all facts about California as a blue state, there were other elements. I've been buried alive in Meg mailings. One even had pictures of her with smiling Asians that had Korean translation alongside the English. She felt slick, wealthy and naive. After hardly ever voting, she promised her commitment to California. While spending MILLIONS, she preached fiscal responsibility. I don't even know what the housekeeper incident was (anyone?), but that obviously played into it. Jerry felt crusty, edgy and unscripted, but in this era, I think authenticity sells. His campaign managers were himself and his wife; Meg had 60 consultants.

Actually, I think that's part of the energy in the tea party campaigns. Authenticity. Not that they're right, but they are expressing a genuine passion through honest-feeling words that seem earthy and 'real'. We'll just see what they choose to build after all their tearing down speeches.

Anyone else have reactions to this election? Did you vote?

Just remember, someday YOU might want to run for governor and if you don't vote while you're an ordinary business tycoon, you won't look so good . . .

It's dangerous out there

2010-11-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

"What did you dress as?"

I looked down, "A graphic designer."

A laugh, "I meant yesterday!"

I smile, "A graphic designer on the weekend going to a baseball party."
-----------------------

When I reached home, Jrex was watching the game and the mutt was eager to head out for her evening walk. We set out in the growing darkness. As we passed one of the houses on the street, I glanced in their huge picture window to see a very large flatscreen TV and a woman hovering over her laptop. I shook my head and thought, "We definitely aren't living in a city! That's a screaming invitation to get robbed."

The mutt trotted across the street and as I followed behind, I hear hysterical screaming behind me. I looked back and saw two shapes running toward me and braced for disaster relief and/or attacki, then I started to understand the words. "Oh my GOD!!!! Yeeehah!! It's over!" As the shape became more distinct, I realized it was the blind woman with her dog. She was out for an evening jog and listening to her radio. I laughed and called out, "I'm ahead of you with a dog. Did the Giants score?"

In an excited tone, "Yes! Three run homer bottom of the 7th. Yes!!" As her exclamations continued, I heard screaming from three nearby apartments. "I guess the TVs are behind the radio!"

I don't really care about sports, but it is fun to live in a winning area during the final rounds.

Weird complaint (be careful what you wish for)

2010-10-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

It looks like I'll be getting a promotion.

Which sounds great, but... (I hate to even complain about this. I have a job in the midst of 'The Great Recession' for which I AM grateful.)

They want me to become the "Studi0 Pr0duction Manager". It would involve making sure we have the personnel resources to cover the work flowing through our office. I'd be moving more into an Art Director/managerial role where I supervise and direct the freelancers.

My hesitation is because they aren't planning to replace my design role. The Boss Lady thinks that we get slow enough throughout the year that we don't need two full-time designers. Yet, it's fairly rare that I'm twiddling my thumbs: maybe two months of the year get a little slower, but the rest of the time, it's rare to work a 40-hour week. So now they are expecting me to remain 50% billable and be 50% administrative. I'd hoped for a job where I could have design optional, but not required. This way, it really sounds like they're just giving me MORE work without taking anything away. The theory is that I'm being empowered to bring in the contractors that we need, but we'll see...

I had to remember to thank KBig and Boss Lady for the opportunity. They both commented that I didn't seem that excited. I told both of them my concern that I'd end up doing 70% and 70% rather than 50/50. Jrex had a great suggestion: if I have design to do, I stay home in the morning and get it done, then come in for the afternoon to manage things. I'll have to discuss that with Boss Lady.

On the plus side, no matter what, I know that we're moving in late spring or summer. I get a promotion on my resume, a little more money (don't know how much yet...) and I gain some valuable experience. Knowing it's not a death sentence or a DOOM for the next few years of my ever shorter life, I can make it work. If I were staying here, I think I'd feel trapped.

Do I sound like a whiner? An ungrateful brat? I feel like one.

Too much to say

2010-10-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

I've had blog posts sloshing around in my head since last Wednesday, but haven't had time to shape them. Rather than not writing, here are quick updates:

On Wednesday night, I scooted up to San Francisco to see a documentary by a college buddy: Adam Blank Gets A Vasectomy. Not a pseudonym. His name AND the (graphic) content. My brother was in town visiting his girlfriend and met us after the movie. We all hung out together a few blocks from the theater. When OTRbro and Adam stepped out for a smoke break, Adam was greeted by a stranger who declared, "Hey! I just saw your balls!"

Jrex flew to Dallas Wednesday morning and returned late Thursday night. His interview went REALLY well. They want us both to visit for another round. In Dallas, the collaborations, science, cross-pollination and technical capabilities are years ahead of what's happening in Portland. There's even a posse of ex-Hopkinites who would love to work with Jrex. Unfortunately, all that wonderfulness is in the center of Texas. Sigh. I asked Jrex whether it would be a no-brainer without me in the picture (since I'm clearly biased toward Portland). He said, "No". I asked why, "Because I saw Mt. Hood," was his answer, "If Southw3stern were in Portland, it would be an easy decision. I've had a feeling it was going to be a tough decision and come down to Dallas vs. Portland."

I've had the same feeling. Even worse, I'm scared that my "I'm won't do Texas" statement is going to come back to haunt me. My hope and prayer is that somehow it would all become more clear once we visit each city together. He's still got a second round coming in NYC, but at the moment that feels like a distant third.

Saturday, I drove over to the east Bay to visit old friends. I had a great time, and have a lot to think about after those visits (post-feminism, life choices that dim our brightness, contentment and the ingredients thereof and the mental/emotional fragmentation that come with motherhood).

Sunday night I flew to Los Angeles (after a three-hour fog delay in the airport). I'm here to attend Ad0be MAX. It's a show for developers and designers who use Ad0be software. This opportunity to be creatively refreshed and technically recharged has been amazing. I keep wondering how to create interactive/matchmaking opportunities for all these women designers and male developers. I'm also realizing how bored I am by conference design. I'm profoundly grateful that I've had a steady job through this Great Recession, but I'll be happy to move to a new city and find something new to try.

Anyway, that's why I've been a bit silent (both as a writer and a reader). I'm missing my blog fixes!

Survival is sweet

2010-10-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

We naively assumed if we arrived at the crag by 9 AM, there'd be some open climbs. To further that aim, we hiked in for 2.5 miles (figuring most people would be too lazy). We were wrong. As we approached the big rock, we saw ropes attached to each anchor. Turned out the boy scouts set up climbs on EVERYTHING. As we were exploring the big rock (checking out the scary approaches required to clip in to the anchor bolts on the wall...hike a knife ridge 100 feet off the ground, anyone?) yet another group approached and started laying their gear out. They were setting up for a group of 20 climbers.

Fuggedabahdit!

We turned around and explored a little herd path that ended up leading us to a nice smallish cliff. No one disturbed us as we flubbed around trying to remember the details from our class. Let's just say the first few knots looked VERY sketchy.

However, between the three of us (and a refresher book on climber's knots that I'd bought), we figured it out. There's something completely terrifying about preparing to walk backwards down a cliff knowing that YOU set up every single anchor and YOU tied yourself in and your hand is the ONLY thing keeping you from plummeting 25-feet. Yeehaa!

The photos of me rappelling are not so great, so here's one of me climbing back up instead:

Climbing outside with women that I enjoy has been on my life list for at least 8 years. I'm really excited that it might happen frequently for the next year (if we move in July as anticipated, it would be a bit less...). We're contemplating a trip to Joshua Tree in March, which makes me super happy. (Climbing J-tree is another item on my life list. Going there with Jrex merely to hike was TORTURE. Lovely and fun torture, of course, but getting back there as a climber is definitely on my list.)

I've been terrified to lead climb in the gym after taking an 18-foot fall a while ago. After being outside, doing two lead climbs in the gym on Sunday was a piece of cake (OK. OK. I had to stop four times to let the adrenaline 'shakes' subside, but on the second climb I barely had any fear surges).

---
Explanation of terms:

"Top Rope" climbs involve hiking up a hill and setting up ropes and other gear to create an 'anchor' at the top of a cliff. The rope dangles from two 'locking' carabiners that hang off the anchor system. To climb, we first lower ourselves down the rope (rappelling) and then climb back up using holds on the cliff. When done, we hike/climb back to the top to remove the anchors and then hike back out with our gear. Falling isn't that big a deal unless you're under an overhang and will then 'swing'.

"Lead climbing" means tying the rope onto one's climbing harness then climbing up the wall with the rope dangling below you. As you go, you pull the rope up and clip it into carabiners attached to the wall. Falling is a bigger deal because it's a direct force (not diluted by the anchor at the top). As I fall, I lift the person belaying me off the ground. Plus, I fall twice the length of whatever rope is past my last clip. Which means that when going for a clip that's 4 feet above my head, if I get to the clip and miss it or fail to clip in and then lose my grip, I fall 8 feet + whatever amount my belayer is pulled off the ground (I'm heavier than both my climbing partners, so I always pull them up). It looks beautiful in theory, but it's terrifying in person.

The End.

2010-10-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

On my way to pick up the book "Bay Area Top Ropes". Earlier this week Graceful and I ordered the gear we need from REI to go outside and set up our own anchors. We took an anchor/belay/rapel class a month and a half ago.

We're going to try top roping all by ourselves (no guide) tomorrow.

This may be my last post. It's been a delight and a pleasure knowing you all.

Work and more work...

2010-10-14T22:37:00.001-07:00

Last week at this time, I was in Vegas. I was just starting what proved to be 6 hours of edits and revisions to get a final version of a Keynote presentation ready for the clients. At 4:30 AM I emailed the final PDF to our team so they could review when they woke up.

As a designer, I was sick of being on the receiving end of last minute deliverables. When I was invited to participate as an organizer in what proved to be a 2-month process, I welcomed the chance to be part of the solution. Getting files to the designer AHEAD of the deadline was my goal.

I didn’t succeed.

It was so much harder than I anticipated to get the whole team to commit to decisions, to revise the writing, to just MOVE quickly. For the first phase I was able to pass all the assets to another designer. I worked alongside him to create charts and tables and help him get a 60 page book finished in 48 hours.

Then I was the one on the line to get the standup presentation organized and designed. I did everything I could to show the document ahead of time, to get the team to agree to the storyboard, but it’s hard to get an executive to focus before things are truly ‘hot’. It all got done, the presentation went well (haven’t heard the decision yet, but we heard that they’re leaning in our direction), but that last night was painful.

Now I’m suffering from more of the same. I’m back in my normal seat as a graphic designer, but I’m waiting for the discussion with our GM and KBig. It’s been rescheduled and reshuffled too many times to count. At the moment, its on the calendar for the end of October.

Quite honestly, our GM is in over her head. She’s a micromanager who has now been thrust into a larger office than she’s run before. Her management style doesn’t work for our office. She’s from the British Isles and used to a hierarchical system, protocol and all that good stuff. Our office is THE most collaborative and the most technologically savvy of all our global offices. People have been quitting almost every other week. And she’s so overwhelmed by details that she doesn’t have time to replace them.

Quite honestly, if I didn’t know we’d be moving (according to Jrex, not until July) and if I didn’t have the carrot of a possible new position, I’d be another one of those fleeing the ship. I don’t even know if I can make it until July, but I guess that’s not up to me.

On the Jrex job front, he’s heard from UMich that they don’t have room for him (he thinks the real answer is that he doesn’t have his own funding). Next week is the first round at Southw3stern. He has a second round coming up at Mt. S1nai and we have a round in Portland in November.

I guess my question is, should I be looking for a new job, knowing I might only be there eight months?

Aunts & Cousins weekend

2010-10-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

There’s nothing better than actually feeling relaxed and happy after five days with family. It’s hard to sum it all up in a tidy package, so here are a few highlights and tidbits:

Driving the van turned out to be fine. It handled similarly to our Subaru and Aunt Bird was next to me and she was able to tell me how to parallel park the beast.
I found out that my uncle died over a year ago! NOW I feel bad about my post about him... I guess he’d developed lung cancer and died in prison. My aunts had visited him after their Mom died a few years ago. From what they said, he never expressed remorse, but he did say that prison was the best place for him because he couldn’t control his urges.
Apparently the aunts have traditions for their sister weekends. They usually have tshirts made, give each other jewelry and buy a commemorative pin. The aunts’ shirts were pink and said, “Who needs a therapist, I have a SISTER”. For the cousins, navy shirts with “If you met my family, you would understand.”
I always thought my Dad was the playful one (doing puzzles, playing card games, dancing), not my Mom. Being with her sisters showed me why she must have enjoyed him: our default option was to play together. I learned to play cribbage, we watched movies, and we obsessively put together puzzles (no one got to go to bed until the last piece was IN that 1000 piece puzzle, darn it).
When we figured out how to play music through the house stereo system, OTRsis exclaimed, “We should have a dance party!” So we did. We moved back the table and chairs then did a conga line, had party lines with a soloist dancing down the middle (including a very impressive ‘worm’) and in general had a raucous, fun time.
Every time one of my aunts said they missed my Mom, I asked what they missed about her. “She always made me think about God.” “How she lived her life.” “She read us the Narnia tales and she really made them come alive.”
When everyone else left for a wine tasting tour, my cousin E and I took off separately for a day of wandering the town of Point Reyes as well as a dash out to the lighthouse. We found some great buys including To Go Ware. It was fun to have a two-person day in the midst of so much big family activity. We’d been the last to leave the rental house and had carefully locked up. At the end of the day, as we left the lighthouse (with an hour and a half drive to get back to the rental house), we came into cell phone range to find texts and voice mails that everyone else had returned and they were locked out! We freaked out, but were on little twisty roads (which I took as fast as possible). After twenty minutes of non-stop guilt and not enough consistent signal to call out, we got a text that two of the aunts had climbed up to the balcony (which hangs over the cliff...) and managed to get into the upstairs door. Phew!!! Dinner was ready when we got back and no one was TOO mad at us.
At the end of the weekend, they were overjoyed to be able to pack up boxes of leftovers for me to take home. On previous sister weekends they’ve had to throw away food which was awful for them.

Who knows, if we move to Texas, I could be ‘host’ for the next one, too!

Your poor uncle!

2010-09-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work, I was talking with a couple people about my upcoming weekend (starting today!!), Gentle Man overheard me and asked, "Wait. WHAT are you doing?"

"I'm spending the weekend with my seven aunts and the oldest of the girl cousins."

"You have SEVEN aunts?"

I thought I'd told him the litany before, but apparently not, "Yeah. My Mom was the oldest of ten kids. There was her, then one boy, then eight girls. I have 26 first cousins."

He looked shocked, "My family is so small, I can't even imagine something like that. Your poor uncle!"

My turn to be shocked. I really hadn't told him the litany since that was a phrase I'd never heard nor imagined. I tilted my head and mused, "Hmm... not a phrase I'd use. He was a sociopath who abused everyone in the family. My Mom worked hard to protect me from him, so he's more of a theory to me than an actual person, but I don't think he is the one who needs the sympathy."

As a result of that intense family life, my aunts are some of the strongest, most vibrant people I know. We've rented a beach house north of San Francisco where we'll hang out, cook, talk, laugh, play games and tease each other for the next five days. My sister and five of our fabulous cousins are coming as well.

Their all en route as I write. I'm off to rent (and learn to drive) a 12-passenger van. Picture us all stuffed in there and attempting to survive Route 1 (think of all those car commercials with the cliffs and the ocean and the hair-pin curves).

See ya on the other side!